1 00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:10,135 All right, car behind you! Car! Car! 2 00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:12,137 - Car. - Clear! All right, clear! 3 00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:13,388 - Clear. - Clear. 4 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,599 - Car. Behind you. Car. - Car. Car. 5 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,768 What the hell's going on out here? 6 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,770 All right, clear, clear. The guys are having a race. 7 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:20,896 - Clear. - Clear. 8 00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:23,106 - What kind of race? - To settle a dispute. They're beefing. 9 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,442 - What's the beef? - About which one was the original, okay? 10 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,027 The original what, Charlie? 11 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,904 You guys are killing me with the questions. Okay, okay. 12 00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:32,032 They're-They're beefing because they wore the same exact Rudolph sweater, all right? 13 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,993 So, they're having a race to see whose idea it was to wear the sweater. 14 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:38,288 The winner of the race wears the sweater for the Christmas card. Car! 15 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,623 - What? - Oh, my God. 16 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:41,416 You guys are doing the Christmas card without us? 17 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,001 Look, Dee, this is on a need-to-know basis, 18 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,169 and you do not need to know. 19 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:47,214 Yeah, look, we wanted a card with a little bit more physical prowess this year, 20 00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:48,715 that's why we're doing, like, jumping spin kicks. 21 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,592 - Great. - You can't do a jumping spin kick, guys. 22 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:51,843 Is that what the ladder's for? 23 00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,178 The ladder's none of your business, Frank. 24 00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:54,429 - Can you believe this? - Oh, no. 25 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:55,806 - We should be on that card. - Yes. 26 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,599 Dee, don't take it personally. It's not about you. 27 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,309 You know who it's about? It's about Schmitty. 28 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,019 Look at this guy. Here's him a couple years ago. 29 00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:02,437 "Wishing you a Maui Christmas!" 30 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:03,647 - He's in Maui… - He's in Maui. 31 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:06,316 …where he's judging a Hawaiian Tropics bikini contest. 32 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,151 - Yeah. - All right. The next year, 33 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:09,611 - "Marry Christmas!" - He got married. 34 00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:11,530 He's married to one of the models. The year after that… 35 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:13,699 - …"Season's Breedings!" - Breedings. 36 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:16,201 She's bore him some sort of Hawaiian child. 37 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,453 - Oh, wow. - The guy's just embarrassing us 38 00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:19,538 with these Christmas cards. 39 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,373 That's why we gotta do the jumping spin kicks, guys. 40 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:22,916 - I'm sorry, okay? - But we can… 41 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,793 And we can't take the picture until we do the race. 42 00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:27,671 - Yeah, but why don't you just do a trial? - A race is faster. 43 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:30,048 - It-It's over in a matter of seconds. - No, this is so stupid. 44 00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:31,174 You guys are gonna get hurt. 45 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,385 Shut up, Dee! You're stupid. You're on a need-to-know basis. 46 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:36,888 - Shut your mouth! Stupid bird. - Guys, go now, now, now, now. All ready? 47 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:38,890 On your mark. 48 00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:41,643 Get set. Go! 49 00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:04,416 All right, how's that feeling under there? 50 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:05,584 - Yeah. Yeah. - Okay, okay. 51 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,753 I'll stop moving it. But you gotta keep… 52 00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,546 - Dude, just breathe. - Okay. 53 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,214 Okay? You got to keep it elevated. 54 00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:14,092 - This is all Mac's fault, dude. - Well, I mean, you guys were both racing. 55 00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,261 - I'm the original. You know, I… - The original what? 56 00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:19,348 - What are you talking about? - I create the IP, he-he-he copies it. 57 00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:22,392 - Right. The IP? - IP, dude. Intellectual property. Duh. 58 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,686 - Right, yeah. - My ideas. He copies my ideas. 59 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:27,356 He copies my sweaters, the tearing of my most crucial ligaments. 60 00:02:27,439 --> 00:02:29,107 - But… - Son of a bitch! 61 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,567 You know, can you… 62 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,027 - Yeah. - He copied my bell. 63 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,695 He copied the bell idea. That was my idea. 64 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:35,697 I don't love the bell. Okay. 65 00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:36,782 He's going to town on that bell. 66 00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,200 - Yeah, all right. - Go yell at him. 67 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,077 - Hang on a second, man. - Can you yell at him? 68 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,829 Yo. Ay, ay. You can stop ringing. 69 00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:44,790 - I heard you. What's up? What's going on? - Hey, Hey. 70 00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:46,583 Is he in there taking credit for the bells? 71 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,752 Because I'm the one that ordered these bells for Christmas, 72 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,046 and I feel like these are my idea and I should get credit for it. 73 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,673 Okay, yeah, cool. Credit to you. 74 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,466 Is he… Is he wearing the Christmas sweater? 75 00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:56,551 'Cause I should be the one that's wearing the Christmas sweater. 76 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,720 - Who cares about who's wearing it? - No, let's be real, dude. 77 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:02,557 I'm the one that wanted to return to a more traditional model of Christmas, 78 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:05,143 as I do with this country, and you know he doesn't care about that. 79 00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:06,395 Yeah, Got you. So, what's up? 80 00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:09,856 Um, I gotta pee really bad, so could you get him out of his room? 81 00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,066 Why? 82 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:13,402 Well, because there's only one bathroom in the entire apartment 83 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,986 and it happened to be in his room, so… 84 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,655 Okay. Just close the door and go to the bathroom. 85 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:18,281 I just don't want him to be able to hear me make. 86 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,158 Uh, I'll have him plug his ears. 87 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,619 Can you just get him out of the room 88 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,955 - so I can pee? - Oh, my God. Damn it. Give me one second. 89 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,790 - I mean, God! - Stay there. One sec. 90 00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:30,127 Hey, uh, Dennis, you got to clear out. Mac wants to use your bathroom. 91 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,462 Oh. Does he now? Okay, well, 92 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,215 why don't you tell Mac that I will no longer be sharing my IP 93 00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:37,968 or a place to pee pee. 94 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,553 Say it like that, that was a good delivery. 95 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,179 Dude, come on, where's he gonna piss? 96 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,973 Oh, I'm sure he'll come up with something 97 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:47,102 just like he comes up with all of his other original ideas. 98 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:49,146 That was sarcasm. So you know what, label it, 99 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,481 because it's best to label sarcasm after you use it. 100 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,359 Can't you guys just, like, settle down and talk to a… 101 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,486 No, no, no, no, no, no, stay off your knee. 102 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,030 I'll talk to him. I'll-I'll label it. I'll… 103 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,574 - I'm getting up. I'm coming to pee. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 104 00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:02,909 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't-Don't get up. Don't get up. Okay. 105 00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:06,496 Uh, he said you can't use his bathroom. Uh, or his intellectual property. 106 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,415 Uh, he said, you'll come up with something 107 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:11,042 just like you come up with all the original ideas around here. 108 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,420 - That's… That's true. - Yeah. 109 00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:15,005 Was he being sarcastic? 110 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,425 - Oh, yeah, he was being sarcastic. - Why didn't you label it? 111 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,760 I forgot, dude. I didn't realize I was gonna have to… 112 00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:23,764 I want you to remind him whose room it actually was when we first moved in. 113 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:26,183 - It was your room? Was it? - But we switched. Yes. 114 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,393 - Why'd you switch? - Because I wanted to be in the room 115 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:30,645 with the thermostat because I run cold. 116 00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:32,314 He got the bathroom. You got the thermostat. 117 00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,316 But listen, I want you to say it exactly like this. 118 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:35,734 - "Dennis…" - Dennis. 119 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,694 - "…Mac said…" - He'll know it was you. We're the only… 120 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,571 - Okay. - "…if you can't stand the heat, 121 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:42,908 then don't go in the kitchen." And then do it with a wry smile. 122 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:48,288 - Oh, 'cause it's sarcasm. - No, it's a… it's a full-blown joke. 123 00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:51,082 So, you say the joke and then you finish with the wry 124 00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:52,876 and the wry is the punctuation at the end. 125 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,377 - And… - Okay. "Dennis, Mac said, 126 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,880 'If you can't take the heat, you gotta get out of the kitchen.'" 127 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,840 - Something like that. - That's pretty good. Let's do that one. 128 00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:01,051 And saying that you said it and that it was a quip, 129 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,136 - an aside will give him context for… - Yes. 130 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,972 …who's speaking in this apartment where there's only two people 131 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,099 and one person who's communicating between them, but let's… 132 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:09,559 - I'll get that all covered. - That's it. 133 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:10,727 - That sounds great. - Thanks. 134 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:13,188 Okay, so he said… Oh! Uh, sorry. 135 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,649 - Mac said… - Good. 136 00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:18,276 As if anyone else could possibly be saying this. 137 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,153 - You. - Yeah, but it's not me. 138 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,948 I've been delivering mes… Okay. It's fine. Fine. Whatever. 139 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:26,993 So, Mac said that this was originally his room, not yours. 140 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,453 And then he said, uh, 141 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:30,747 "If you cannot take the heat, don't go in the kitchen." 142 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,375 Even though the expression, yeah, it's the opposite way around. 143 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,460 So you're already in the kitchen and you're feeling the heat… 144 00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:37,254 It would make more sense if you were in the kitchen. 145 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,547 Either way, he got that wrong. 146 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,049 And then lastly, he said to do one of these, 147 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,260 which is a wry smile that I'm supposed to give you. 148 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,803 - Why would you label it? - I don't know. 149 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,847 I don't know what I'm doing. Why would I do any of this? 150 00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,515 - You gotta know when to label things when… - Do I? 151 00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,475 Yeah, because if you do a joke, you have to explain it. 152 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,060 - Oh, cool. - Otherwise, it's not as funny. 153 00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:55,188 - Okay. Sounds good. - Okay, well, how about this? 154 00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:58,233 Why don't you tell my wry little guy who runs so cold 155 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:01,945 to go ahead and crank that heat up, and he can hold his piss forever. 156 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,155 I'm sure he's tough enough to do that. 157 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,992 Okay, and then what is that? Is that wry or is that sarcasm? 158 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:09,202 I think I managed to pull off both. 159 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,037 Oh! Son of a bitch. 160 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:15,750 Hey. All right, uh, he says, "No go on the bathroom ever again." 161 00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,919 He says, "I'm sure you're tough enough to hold it." 162 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,421 And then he did something with his face 163 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,673 and I have no idea what to label it or not label it. 164 00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:23,550 Fine, I'll hold it. 165 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:28,096 - Charlie, crank up the heat. - Uh… 166 00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:30,974 Okay. And then do I do something with a smile or do I label this? 167 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:34,436 - Just crank it up. - All right. How far am I going here? 168 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:36,313 All the way. 169 00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:43,278 Ugh, I'm sick and tired of being on the bottom rung of the ladder around here. 170 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,572 - Tell me about it. - Getting kicked out of the Christmas card? 171 00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:48,408 - Are you kidding me? - Jump spin kick. That's not even clever. 172 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,702 You know what? I doubt that's even what they were gonna do, 173 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,830 but I know that that ladder factored into the card in some way. 174 00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:56,499 But how? We gotta figure out how. 175 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,836 Mm-hmm. I'll tell you how we're gonna do it. I saw a sticker on that ladder. 176 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,631 It came from this hardware store. We're gonna figure out their idea. 177 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:04,716 We're gonna rip it off and steal it as our own. 178 00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:05,884 Smart. 179 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,721 Hi there. Excuse me. Can we ask you a couple of questions? 180 00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,641 A couple of guys come in here recently, medium height, average build? 181 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:15,018 - Yeah, they bought a ladder. - Yeah, a ladder. 182 00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:20,774 Yeah, two guys buying a ladder. How could I forget? 183 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,070 Is that sarcasm? I can't tell. 184 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,946 Yeah, me neither. You gotta label it, pal. 185 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,990 Yeah, look, we're looking for a couple of guys 186 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:31,993 and we were not given a ton of information, you know? 187 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:35,747 We're sort of at the bottom rung of our organization, much like yourself. 188 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,248 - Yeah. - Like me? 189 00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:38,833 Cashier at a hardware store. 190 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,960 This is my store. I own it. 191 00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,004 - You own this store? - Oh, no shit. 192 00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:45,090 - Wow. - Nice. 193 00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:47,676 Congratulations. That's quite an accomplishment. 194 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,552 Hey, you know what? That, um, gives me an idea. 195 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,304 You would then have the authority 196 00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,598 to let us pore through your security footage 197 00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,892 - so we can find the people… - 'Cause you're the owner. 198 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,268 …that we came in here looking for. 199 00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,646 Sure. Maybe you wanna look through my books, 200 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,815 you know, and check inventory. 201 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,149 Poke around in the safe. 202 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:06,528 That's sarcasm, if I'm not being clear. 203 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:07,987 Nice labeling, dickhead. 204 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,115 - We got it 'cause you labeled it. - Yeah. 205 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:13,451 Ugh. Son of a bitch. 206 00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:16,079 Okay. Apparently, we're gonna have to create some sort of distraction. 207 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:17,497 What would Mac and Dennis do? 208 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,416 Will you shut up about what Mac and Dennis would do, okay? 209 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,085 We don't need them. We can come up with our own goddamn original idea. 210 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,461 - Now follow me. - I'm following you. 211 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:26,381 - There he is. There's our big guy. - Oh, God. 212 00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,133 - Hey, Cricket. - Come on. What do you want now, huh? 213 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,426 Let me guess, you want something? 214 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,720 Well, we… It's actually… It's something fun for you to do. 215 00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:33,555 - Oh, yeah? - We-We want you to come with us 216 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:35,598 to a hardware store and create a diversion. 217 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,808 Yeah, make a really big scene. 218 00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:39,561 Frank, Frank, Frank, I don't have to make a scene. 219 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,896 I am the scene, baby. 220 00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:43,648 I walk in any place of business, 221 00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:45,775 people are all over me like flies on crack. 222 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,527 - Do flies like crack? - Well, you tell me, 223 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,070 does a trick always pay full price? 224 00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,238 I have no idea. 225 00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:53,408 Well, that… that's a bad example because technically, 226 00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:56,411 I'm at the lower end of the transaction, if we wanna call it that. 227 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,580 And, uh, you know, after everyone takes their cut, 228 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:01,958 I'm, uh… Well, I'm basically paying in for the pleasure……you know? 229 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,627 Which often, hey, don't get me wrong, is very pleasurable. 230 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:07,005 If you don't enjoy it, they won't pay full price. 231 00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:09,049 - You know, that's… - I never pay full price. Always haggle. 232 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,217 - Who sets the price, 'cause I'm curious? - I'll tell you what. 233 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,845 I'm glad we… I'm glad we got to the bottom of some these whoring tips. 234 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:14,971 - Let's go. - Yeah? 235 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,890 - Okay. Uh, compensation though. - Come on, Cricket. 236 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,600 - Yeah. You'll get paid. - We gotta talk compensation. 237 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:19,768 And no lemons this time. 238 00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:27,609 All right. Watch me work my magic. 239 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,531 Yo, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You… You can't be in here. 240 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:35,033 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking for a showerhead. 241 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,368 - Yeah. We talked about… - Wow. It worked like a charm. 242 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:39,454 - Let's move. - I'm remodeling, all right? 243 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,581 I have… Own a duplex. I have a tenant. 244 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:44,000 And I need… I need like, uh… 245 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,294 - Goddamn it. It's locked. - What would Mac and Dennis do? 246 00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:49,172 Stop saying that. Hang on a second. 247 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,799 - Hmm. - I got an idea. 248 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:56,930 - Ah! - Whoa! 249 00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,848 - Shit. Did you see that? - Nice… 250 00:09:58,932 --> 00:09:59,933 Yeah. 251 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,102 They're not the only ones who know how to use a ladder. 252 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,981 Ah! Maybe that was their card idea. 253 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,233 Bashing a door down with a ladder? 254 00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,401 Yeah, with the Christmas sweaters and everything, 255 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,112 wearing that and that in the card. 256 00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,279 Well, what would the card say? 257 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,448 "We crash you a merry bash-mas?" 258 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:18,910 I don't hate it, but I don't think that was their plan. 259 00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:21,913 Okay, let's scrub through this footage. It's gotta be on here somewhere. 260 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:23,790 Hopefully, Cricket's keeping that guy busy. 261 00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:26,084 Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is 15. We said 20. 262 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,670 Do you want the money or not? 263 00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:30,588 Okay, fine, good haggle. 264 00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,257 Don't treat it lightly… 265 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,134 Okay, uh, now that we're all in the same room, 266 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,844 - I'd like to just hash this thing out… - Pause. 267 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,220 …and… what? 268 00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,264 No talking during JAG. That is a rule. 269 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:42,976 Another rule. You can have as many vocalizations as you want while paused, 270 00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,894 but no more than six per episode. 271 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,021 Okay, why do you have all these rules? What is this? 272 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,399 Because Mac was always commenting on the men's bodies. 273 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:52,235 No, because Dennis was always commenting on women's physiques 274 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,319 and what he would fix. 275 00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:55,572 Whatever. Either way, a system was devised. 276 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,741 Yeah, a full comment counts as two vocalizations. 277 00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:01,452 Now you can laugh continuously, not excessively. 278 00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:02,787 If you're moved to tears, 279 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:05,540 you gain an extra laugh or vocalization, so just FYI. 280 00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:08,001 - Moved to tears? What… What is this? - Charlie. 281 00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:10,378 - What are you talking about? - Charlie, Charlie. JAG is… 282 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,464 - a nuanced military procedural… - No. 283 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:16,593 …combining the legal drama of A Few Good Men 284 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,345 with the thrilling action of Top Gun. 285 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:23,725 You can't just tune out whenever you want to. 286 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:28,104 Goddamn, it's not NCIS where you could… 287 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:31,274 NCIS wouldn't even exist without JAG. 288 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,650 - Right? - JAG is the original. 289 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:33,943 - Yeah. - Resume. 290 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,742 Pause! You just laughed right after I laughed. 291 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:44,120 - I laughed first. You heard that, right? - I laugh at that line every single time. 292 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,873 Oh, you laugh at that line every single time? Every single time? 293 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,875 Why don't you explain to us what's so funny about that line? 294 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:51,294 Well, the captain just came at her aggressively, 295 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,713 and I thought there was something funny about the double entendre. 296 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,090 Okay, fine. That is what's funny about it. You're right. 297 00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:58,009 But I… You didn't even know what an entendre was 298 00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,844 until I explained to you what an entendre was. 299 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:02,555 Why don't you rewind it and then see who laughs first? 300 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,098 - Because I would laugh first. - It's just a laugh. 301 00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:06,059 - No, no. I'm gonna rewind it. - All right, fine. 302 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,144 - I didn't even push play yet. - That's two vocalizations each. 303 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,729 I'm counting it as two vocalizations each. 304 00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:12,440 No, no, no. Because laughter is not a vocalization. 305 00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:15,068 Yeah? Cool. All right, fine, resume, resume it. 306 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,904 - Jesus, learn the rules the first time. - Goddamn it. Goddamn. 307 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,155 Pause! 308 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,324 What? What? Why? 309 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,619 Bathroom break for those of us who have one. 310 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,956 Getting a little bit cool and I think we should crank up the heat. 311 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:31,042 Trial! We're having a trial. We're having a goddamn trial. 312 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,339 Goddamn, we've gone through the whole week. 313 00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:38,007 What the hell? Where are they? 314 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,134 - Who's that? - That's Cricket. 315 00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:42,345 - What's Cricket doing here? - Hey, buddy. No, no, no. 316 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,555 - No, no. Hey, buddy. - I'll tell you exactly what he's doing. 317 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,684 He's causing a distraction. Goddamn it. So, we didn't have an original idea. 318 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,435 - …ask you to leave again. - Yeah, I'm… 319 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,312 - There they are. - There they are. There they are. 320 00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,773 - We were right. There's the ladder. - You know, any of this can… 321 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:57,151 But they're also getting construction hats and coveralls. 322 00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:58,820 Why are they stealing all this stuff? 323 00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:01,781 No paper trail. Oh, they're no dummies. 324 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:04,617 They knew I would go through their trash to find evidence. 325 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,786 - Of course you would. - These guys are good. 326 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,997 What the hell, Cricket? 327 00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:12,041 Why didn't you tell us you were helping Mac and Dennis steal stuff? 328 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,003 Oh. That information was on a need-to-know basis. 329 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,297 - I didn't think you needed to know. - Okay, well, we do. 330 00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,340 Yes, we do. What's the plan, Cricket? 331 00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:23,803 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down here, all right? Payment first. 332 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:25,972 Huh? How about that? Payment first, bitch. 333 00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,348 All right, here. 334 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,268 - One can of paint thinner. - Thank you. 335 00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:33,479 And in case you need to know, this is for getting high. 336 00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:35,481 That we didn't need to know because we already knew. 337 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,358 Obviously. What's their plan? 338 00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,236 Two words. Taylor Swift. 339 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:51,414 Order. Order. Okay, court is now in session. 340 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:55,043 You'll each have a chance to present your evidence and make your case. 341 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:58,546 Now, I think we can all agree that we're all very hot, 342 00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,339 okay, and our bladders are full. 343 00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:02,675 So let's keep vocalizations to a minimum. 344 00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:06,888 Laughs are allowed, but if sarcastic, will be labeled as such. 345 00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:07,972 Are we in agreement? 346 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,057 - Aye. - Aye. 347 00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:12,185 Oh. Very good. Then I have selected Dennis to go first, 348 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:15,188 only 'cause he's more in my eyeline. You're a little bit off to the side. 349 00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:17,607 - Dennis, you have the floor. Go. - Well… 350 00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,693 If JAG has taught us anything, 351 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:24,697 it's that in order to argue your case, you must first establish the record, 352 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:29,577 and I think you will find, Judge, that the record is crystal clear. 353 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,412 Exhibit A. 354 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,874 Our Christmas card 2021. 355 00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,794 As you can see here, I'm rocking some pretty sweet chaps 356 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,922 and I'm also rocking some pretty sweet sideburns. 357 00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:43,800 Mac, however, has no sideburns. 358 00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:48,971 Until the next year when he copied me. 359 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:54,852 Boom! New card, new theme, same sideburns, different guy. 360 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:58,397 He copied me. And then the next year, he copied my look. 361 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:04,278 Observe. A lip bite, controlled, suggestive, a bit coy. 362 00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:05,863 Mac's expression… 363 00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:09,325 all veneers. 364 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:13,079 Until the next year, in one of our best cards ever. 365 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:17,208 Boom. There it is right there, Judge, 366 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,460 in plain sight, or should I say, 367 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:21,879 in plain bite? 368 00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:26,592 - That was sarcasm, by the way. - Okay, yeah. You have to label it. 369 00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:28,636 - Again, you have to label it as sarcasm. - I did. I did. 370 00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:30,555 - But there's a little pause… - Too much of a pause. 371 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,057 - …and the pause doesn't help. - I would like to continue moving forward, 372 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,934 - so that we don't lose the thread here. - Carry on. 373 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,812 Okay. The next year, the man stole my IP. 374 00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:40,940 See, the idea for "Pimps and Ho Ho Ho's," that was my idea, 375 00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,609 but the next year's card, that was Mac's idea. 376 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:46,612 "Ho, Ho, Hose." 377 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:50,908 A blatant rip off of my idea and a blatant misuse of the pun. 378 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:52,952 It is a misuse of the pun. It doesn't make much sense. 379 00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:55,913 So, as you can see, the record is consistent. 380 00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:58,833 The proof is clear. I innovate. 381 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:01,919 Mac replicates. 382 00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:04,422 Well… …very persuasive, Mr. Reynolds. 383 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:07,425 - I think so too. - Now, Mr. McDonald, the floor is yours. 384 00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,552 I'd like to respond with the truth. 385 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,930 And the same cards. The man even copies my evidence. 386 00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:15,933 Same evidence. Different story. 387 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:20,271 Now witness, "The Good, The Bad, and The Jolly." Dennis… 388 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,482 sideburns, but the following year? 389 00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:26,194 No sideburns. 390 00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:28,404 Wait, hold on. Objection. 391 00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:31,324 Uh, sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s. 392 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:34,368 That's true. You know, the sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s. 393 00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:35,578 Uh, please explain the lip bite. 394 00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,288 I was covering up a cold sore 395 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,916 that I got from playing basketball with an Ecuadorian man. 396 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:43,628 Objection. There's no known evidence of, uh, herpes 397 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,504 being transmitted through the playing of basketball. 398 00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:46,881 I agree, I'll allow that. 399 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:51,761 I… received the cold sore meeting an Ecuadorian man 400 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,013 - in an abandoned basketball court. - Oh… 401 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,724 Okay. Well, that's a different story, Mr. McDonald. 402 00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,768 So, let's please keep our evidence truthful. 403 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:02,813 Okay, it was 2:00 a.m. His name was Hector. 404 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:04,232 He was covered in sores, 405 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:05,775 - but it was worth it… - Your Honor… 406 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,401 - Ha! - Ha! 407 00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:08,986 Gentlemen. 408 00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,739 - Why did you do that? It was open. - Yeah, and what are you wearing? 409 00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,074 Oh, why? Does it look familiar? 410 00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:15,576 We figured out what the ladder was all about. 411 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,912 There's a Taylor Swift concert tonight. 412 00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:22,875 And you were gonna crash, bash, or climb your way in. 413 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,419 Yeah, there was never any spin kick planned. 414 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:28,256 You were gonna get a signed picture with Taylor 415 00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:30,299 and write some sort of catchy slogan on it, 416 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,344 - like, um… like… - Taylor Christmas. 417 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,139 Uh… Yeah, it's not very… it's not very catchy, 418 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:40,059 but we hadn't gotten that far, but it doesn't matter, okay? 419 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,520 'Cause we are gonna steal your idea. 420 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,564 Goddamn, why is it so hot in here, you guys? 421 00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:47,525 - It's sweltering. - Yeah, well, hang on. Hang on a second. 422 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,028 You guys were gonna do a Christmas card without me? 423 00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:53,906 - No. No. She's lying, dude. - No. No. Yeah. 424 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:56,075 Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm lying? I got evidence. 425 00:17:56,158 --> 00:18:00,454 I got a case, and we're gonna lay it all out right here with a trial. 426 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:03,374 No, no, no… Dee, we just had… we just had a trial. 427 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,459 - I can't do another trial. - I can't hold it. I gotta pee. 428 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,837 - I gotta turn down the heat! - Pau… Pause! 429 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,215 - You guys are faking? - You copied my faking. 430 00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:15,011 No, I… I got the idea to fake from an episode of JAG. 431 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,387 Guys, why would you do this? 432 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:19,724 - I didn't wanna lose the race. - I didn't wanna lose the race. Oh. 433 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,767 Guys, don't you see what's happening here, you know what I mean? 434 00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:24,061 All this need to, like, take credit for whose idea was what, 435 00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:25,771 and not filling each other in on our plans. 436 00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:27,815 It's putting us all at the bottom rung of the ladder. 437 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,025 - Yeah. - You know? 438 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,943 And you know who's at the top of the ladder looking down on us? 439 00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:32,570 - Jesus. - I knew you were gonna say that. 440 00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,239 No. It's Schmitty. It's Schmitty. He's looking down on us. 441 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:38,075 But the point is that, like, Schmitty's always gonna be topping us 442 00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,745 when we're putting each other on a need-to-know basis, okay? 443 00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:43,873 So, can we just team up on this thing? You know, get together on this? 444 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,166 Dennis, what was the plan with the ladder? 445 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,753 All right, fine. Well, the first thing you guys need to know 446 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,714 is that you don't climb the ladder, you carry it. 447 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,132 - Wait, what do you mean? - Well… Okay. 448 00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:55,635 Mac and I came up with a theory together 449 00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:59,013 that two men carrying a ladder would be granted access anywhere. 450 00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:04,101 So, we decided to test that theory out at the Linc… 451 00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:05,686 at an Eagles game. 452 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:12,234 At a Monster Truck Jam. 453 00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:15,571 Turns out there's something about two men carrying a ladder 454 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,532 that just allows you access to anything. 455 00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:21,869 And it worked over and over and over again. 456 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,916 They assume you're there to work, and they let you pass right through. 457 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:30,127 Two men with a ladder can get in anywhere. 458 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,545 So, that's what we're gonna do. 459 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,714 We're gonna suit up, we're gonna grab our ladder, 460 00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:36,634 and we are gonna walk right into that Taylor Swift concert, 461 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,886 and nobody is gonna stop us. 462 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:43,307 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 463 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:46,060 What are you people doing with this ladder? 464 00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:54,235 You know, two people carrying a ladder, that makes sense, 465 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,238 but four men and a useless chick, that's suspicious. 466 00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:58,864 It doesn't make any sense, you know, 467 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,283 and that's why everybody's on a-need-to-know basis. That is why. 468 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,702 Whose idea was the ladder anyway? 469 00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:04,787 - Oh, that was actually my… - Mine, of course. 470 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,747 - Are you serious? - It was my idea. 471 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:09,750 - It was so most definitely my idea. - Mac, are you kidding me with this? 472 00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:11,836 - It was… Oh! - Maybe we should have another trial. 473 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,546 - I can do a race. - Well, let's go. Let's race. 474 00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,715 - What? Oh, my God. - Son of a bitch. 475 00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:18,259 Well, no point in racing, or trials, or any of that shit 476 00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:20,803 'cause we're not going to beat Schmitty's card this year. 477 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:21,971 He got to the idea first. 478 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:25,307 - He took a picture with Taylor? - No, even better. 479 00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:27,143 Oh. 480 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:30,062 - That is… That's awesome. - There's no way you can beat that slogan. 481 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:31,439 - Yeah. - Yeah. 482 00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:33,607 - That's as cool as it gets. - Look at that.