1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,795 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,510 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:14,472 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:18,226 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:21,604 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,064 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:24,690 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:30,155 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,283 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:35,825 (SLURPS) 12 00:00:35,826 --> 00:00:37,453 Ah. Nothing like drive time radio 13 00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:39,455 to remind me that I don't make enough 14 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:42,124 to afford satellite radio. 15 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:45,503 DEVIN: Hey-hey! You're listening to WQHG 97.1, 16 00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:47,296 and we are Devin and Lawrence, 17 00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:48,923 formerly known as Weenie and The Butt. 18 00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:50,508 LAWRENCE: That's right, Devin. 19 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,843 Those nicknames no longer fly ever since several women 20 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,929 came forward with allegations of sexual misconduct 21 00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:56,180 against each of us. 22 00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:58,516 HIGH VOICE: De-De-De-Devin and Lawrence! 23 00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,434 SINGERS: ♪ Sexual misconduct ♪ 24 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:03,145 ♪ 97.1 FM. ♪ 25 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,606 DEEP VOICE: Rebranded to phase out Weenie and the Butt! 26 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:08,359 SINGERS: ♪ WQHG 97.1. ♪ 27 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,653 HIGH VOICE: They got Me-Too'd, Me-Too'd, Me-Too'd! 28 00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:13,489 SINGERS: ♪ But there were still six months on their contract ♪ 29 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,366 - ♪ Overlooking that for now. ♪ - DEEP VOICE: FM! 30 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:17,451 HIGH VOICE: Devin, Devin, Devin and Lawrence! 31 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:19,537 DEEP VOICE: Court-ordered overcorrection! 32 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:21,205 (RATTLING) 33 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,207 Damn it, what's wrong with the AC? 34 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:25,293 DEVIN: And don't forget, Quahog is expected 35 00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:27,295 to experience record-high temperatures this week, 36 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,255 according to our respected meteorologist 37 00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,215 - Dr. Jessica Sturgess. - (HONKING, TIRES SQUEALING) 38 00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:34,176 Formerly known as Weather Girl Aah-Ooh-Gah Knockerson. 39 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,762 (SIREN WAILING) 40 00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,309 Sir, could you please roll down your window? 41 00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,894 I can't. I spilled honey on it and it won't move. 42 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,646 Please just step out of the vehicle. 43 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:46,856 (CLACK) 44 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,316 (STRAINING) 45 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:50,943 Sir, you were swerving back there. 46 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,321 Plus, you're drowning in sweat. Have you been drinking? 47 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:55,990 No. I don't start drinking till... until the drive home. 48 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,658 Why are you slurring your words? 49 00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,744 Sorry, I had Cap'n Crunch for breakfast. 50 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:02,204 The roof of my mouth is in shreds. 51 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:04,499 (CHUCKLES) I find that story relatable. 52 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,042 You're free to go. 53 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:08,502 Man, I can't believe that cop thought I was lying. 54 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,964 The only time I lie is when I play poker. 55 00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:12,340 ANNOUNCER: It's make-or-break time. 56 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,550 $75 million at stake. 57 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,052 Betting starts with Peter Griffin. 58 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:18,179 Ooh, he's not looking 59 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,723 at much of anything right now. And those mirrored sunglasses, 60 00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:22,350 not doing him any favors. 61 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:24,473 All in. 62 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:27,439 (PHONE RINGING) 63 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,138 Got to take this. It's my wife. 64 00:02:31,139 --> 00:02:32,778 (WHISPERS): Are you here? 65 00:02:37,070 --> 00:02:39,200 Okay, you two just hang out in the store 66 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,618 while I return this keyboard. 67 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:43,079 I'm going to watch the older boys play Fortnite, 68 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,207 because I'm not old enough to play Fortnite myself. 69 00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:48,250 Hi. I'd like to return this keyboard. 70 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:49,710 Was there something wrong with it? 71 00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:51,879 Well, it said it was designed for writers, 72 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,632 but when I sat down to work, it just wasn't flowing through me. 73 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,703 - Do you have a receipt? - Uh, no. 74 00:02:56,704 --> 00:02:58,409 - (YELLING, GRUNTING) - Can't you just look it up? 75 00:02:58,410 --> 00:03:00,554 Do you have the credit card you used to pay for it? 76 00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:03,766 I actually paid using store credit for another return. 77 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,893 Do you have the original packaging for the item? 78 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,603 (CHUCKLES): No. No, that's 79 00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,647 that's probably with the receipt. 80 00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,399 (SIGHS HEAVILY) 81 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,901 (OVER SPEAKERS): Manager who's dishearteningly younger than me 82 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,486 to the service counter, please. 83 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:17,780 This better not be another overring. 84 00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:20,158 Corpowate's gonna have my ass. 85 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:28,457 Well, we can probably throw out this sunflower butter 86 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:31,461 now that Stewie's classmate with the peanut allergy died. 87 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:35,923 Oh, there you are, Peter. Listen, I need you to... 88 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,425 Why are you so sweaty? 89 00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:39,093 The AC in my car broke. 90 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,428 Not from the honey. 91 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:42,471 And fat-guy sweat is like a battleship. 92 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,974 Once it gets going, you can't just turn it around. 93 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,267 So until the weather cools off, 94 00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:48,436 you're gonna be dealing with a slippery walrus. 95 00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:51,105 Now, if you'll excuse me, I see a potential rival 96 00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:52,899 to my beach supremacy. 97 00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:57,070 (BELLOWING, GRUNTING) 98 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,870 Now? 99 00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:08,164 No, let them tire themselves out. 100 00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:09,248 (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) 101 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,958 Dad, what are we doing here? 102 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,127 Now that I sweat all the time, 103 00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:16,339 it's just natural that I be a very sweaty bomb defuser. 104 00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:20,509 (BEEPING) 105 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,470 Steady. You can do this. 106 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:26,098 All you gotta do is remember the song you learned in bomb school. 107 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,850 ♪ Green is good and green is good ♪ 108 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:30,269 ♪ And red is good and yellow is good ♪ 109 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,855 ♪ And clip whatever you want. ♪ 110 00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,566 Now, who can tell me what he did wrong? 111 00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,318 He made up a song about cutting wires? 112 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,143 He made up a song about cutting wires. 113 00:04:39,144 --> 00:04:40,947 Don't do that, guys. 114 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:47,328 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Indiana Jones 115 00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,164 and the Temple Beth Shalom. 116 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,874 You must be Mr. Jones. 117 00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,000 It's Dr. Jones. 118 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,169 (GASPS) Oh, a doctor. 119 00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,631 You should meet my frumpy daughter. 120 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,094 Wow. What are you all dressed up for? 121 00:05:01,095 --> 00:05:03,385 Well, thanks to my car's AC breaking, 122 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:06,013 I've been asked to be an overly sweaty Southern lawyer 123 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,474 during a landmark civil rights case. 124 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,267 Mr. Griffin, you may proceed. 125 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,353 (SOUTHERN ACCENT): May it please the court, Your Honor, 126 00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:14,355 opposing counsel, members of the jury, 127 00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,524 Madam Stenographer, Bailiff Clarence, 128 00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:18,234 Snack Cart Steve, 129 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,152 elderly widows with paper fans, 130 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,154 woman in the third row with a flower hat, 131 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,948 Deputy Fife, Boo Radley, 132 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:26,325 Yay Radley, Herman Munster judge, 133 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,619 lazy dog who wandered in due to the heat, 134 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:31,288 crazed Al Pacino, old Robert Duvall, 135 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:34,250 young Robert Duvall, in-between Robert Duvall, 136 00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,210 the books of John Grisham. 137 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,171 The defense rests. 138 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,050 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jesse Eisenberg 139 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:46,095 and Emma Stone in Opposite Eye Sizes. 140 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,930 Sorry, guys. All I have left 141 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,890 are one pair of extra-large contact lenses 142 00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,600 and one pair of extra-small. 143 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:54,770 BOTH: Uh, we'll be fine. 144 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,106 Well, I just got off the phone with the electronics store. 145 00:05:57,107 --> 00:06:00,484 Your stupid fight caused $3,000 worth of damage. 146 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:03,237 Well, I'm not very good at math. Y-You lost me. 147 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,406 - A thousand dollars. - Wow! 148 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:07,992 - Another thousand dollars. - (LAUGHS): Oh, my goodness! 149 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,577 A third thousand dollars. 150 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:11,538 Now you lost me again. 151 00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:13,289 I don't think Chris can count to three. 152 00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,665 How are we gonna pay 'em back? 153 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:16,125 Whoa, what do you mean, "we"? 154 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:18,419 Yeah, do you expect all nine of us to chip in? 155 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,462 Come on, we got to think of some way 156 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:21,797 to raise that money in a hurry. 157 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:23,799 Good afternoon, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. 158 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,303 OUR TOP STORY: actor, director and odd-nostriled punch line 159 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:30,014 Zach Braff has successfully Kickstarted another movie. 160 00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,348 The shameless film star 161 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,559 who made a movie college kids used to like 162 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,687 is again asking people who have less to give him more. 163 00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:38,314 That's it! We'll set up a Kickstarter 164 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,024 for the three grand we need. 165 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:42,693 But, Brian, people don't just donate money on Kickstarter. 166 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:45,321 It has to go toward some sort of project. 167 00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,656 Okay, then we'll say we're making a movie. 168 00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,408 And who will we get to direct? 169 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,660 We'll raise the money we need, pay back the store, 170 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:53,954 and then e-mail the backers, saying we ran into trouble 171 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:55,664 and couldn't finish the project. 172 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:58,042 Great idea, Brian. Much better than that version 173 00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:02,171 of Free Solo narrated by a concerned Midwestern mom. 174 00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,964 MIDWESTERN MOM: Oh, that's too high, Alex. 175 00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:05,799 That's too high. Oh, I can't watch. 176 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,301 Now, now, why wouldn't you just have 177 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,886 a nice lunch at Applebee's? 178 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:11,556 - (BIRD SCREECHES) - I like that bird, though. 179 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,687 Griffin, why is this floor wet? 180 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,147 Oh, sorry, that's from me. 181 00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:22,066 I-I got a little perspiration problem. 182 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,817 Hey, what time is our meeting, Oscar? 183 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,152 It's... Aah! 184 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:28,197 Sorry. What time is our meeting, Aah-scar? 185 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,866 Damn it, Griffin, you've become a liability in this office. 186 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:33,035 - Why? 'Cause I'm drunk and have a gun? - No. 187 00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:34,578 - 'Cause of the cocaine? - No. 188 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:35,829 'Cause I use office petty cash 189 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,539 to have sex with high-end escorts? 190 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:41,335 No. But your perspiration has become a serious problem. 191 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,837 I'm afraid you're going to have to work from home 192 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,800 - until you get it under control. - All right, if you insist. 193 00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:48,217 Hey, Candy, sorry I couldn't finish 194 00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,260 'cause I'm so freakin' gacked on ski powder. 195 00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,221 I thought the gun would get me there. 196 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,681 Anyway, here's the office cash. 197 00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:56,226 Careful of the wet floor. You're pregnant. 198 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,275 So, Dad, are you excited for your first day 199 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,779 - of working from home? - Yes, but I'm very late. 200 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,281 Busy dad morning goodbyes. 201 00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:13,535 ♪ ♪ 202 00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,792 (CHEERING) 203 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:25,129 ♪ ♪ 204 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:26,547 (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) 205 00:08:26,548 --> 00:08:27,923 Forgot my phone. 206 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:30,844 ♪ ♪ 207 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,058 (CHEERING) 208 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:39,602 (PHONE RINGS) 209 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,815 (WHISPERS): Are you here? 210 00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,609 So, Mom, you're okay with Dad working in the house 211 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,069 - all the time? - Oh, yeah, 212 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,988 it's nice having a coworker. 213 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,615 'Cause being a housewife is a full-time job. 214 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,118 For some pretty tough bosses! 215 00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,829 (CHUCKLING) 216 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,748 (CHRIS CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY) 217 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:03,333 Hi. So, is this your break time? 218 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,960 - No, sir. - Oh, okay. 219 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,463 I was wondering if my watch was off, maybe. 220 00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:09,089 - It's not. - You see, Mom, 221 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,675 we try to stay focused on the task at hand 222 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:14,595 here at Griffin, Griffin, Griffin, Griffin and Griffin. 223 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,472 - (PHONE RINGS) - Good morning. 224 00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:18,432 Griffin, Griffin, Griffin and Griffin. 225 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:21,769 Huh. I thought our letterhead had five Griffins on it, Meg. 226 00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:24,313 But you were right to leave one of them off, 227 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,565 because you're (BLEEP) fired. 228 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:29,569 ♪ ♪ 229 00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:32,196 (BEEP) 230 00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,114 - (LINE RINGS) - LOIS: Uh, hello? 231 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,824 Hey, Lois. I'm at the small bodega 232 00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:37,326 in the living room lobby 233 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,244 trying to pick out a new baby card for Janine. 234 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,788 Wai... Who's Janine? 235 00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,873 (CHUCKLES): Yeah, right? Anyway, should I get one 236 00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,792 with a baby with SpaghettiOs on his head, 237 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:47,002 like, "This is what it's gonna be like", 238 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,962 or one with a stork with an injured back? 239 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,672 Peter, I don't care. 240 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:54,676 Well, time to live out my dream of becoming a bodega cat. 241 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:57,513 PETER'S VOICE: I'm between the breads. 242 00:09:57,514 --> 00:10:00,600 ♪ ♪ 243 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:04,478 Again, I want to say I'm so glad all of our schedules lined up 244 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,522 so we can work together. And, as a reminder, 245 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,232 we've got New York on the line. 246 00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,567 - New York, are you there? - (CAR HORNS HONKING) 247 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,195 Stewie, is there anyone specific on the line in New York? 248 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,530 Brian, you're just showing your ignorance. 249 00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,865 The phrase is, "New York on the line". 250 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,050 - (HORN HONKS) - MAN: Hey, buddy, 251 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,391 move that piece of junk! 252 00:10:19,392 --> 00:10:20,494 Go Mets! 253 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,704 And that's the best city we have. 254 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,164 All right, so, we've heard from New York. 255 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,597 - What have you guys got? - This, 256 00:10:25,598 --> 00:10:26,750 this can't be the meeting. 257 00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:29,002 New York, I'm gonna put you on hold for a second. 258 00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,879 Brian, you're embarrassing us in front of New York. 259 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,506 Now get it together. 260 00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:35,175 All right, let's show them the pitch video we put together. 261 00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,010 ♪ ♪ 262 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:38,428 My name's Stewie, 263 00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,556 and this camera saved my life. 264 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:43,016 I was born on the wrong side of the tracks. 265 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,060 My father made holes in belts, 266 00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,855 and my mother was the Italian guy on a pizza box. 267 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,524 The old man wanted me to go into the family business. 268 00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:53,277 MAN: Hey! I don't hear any holes being holed! 269 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,862 I want to make movies, Pa! 270 00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,446 Don't make me beat you 271 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:59,449 with the instrument with which I make holes in belts! 272 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,285 It's called an awl, Pa! 273 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,079 You son of a bitch! 274 00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:06,164 Ma! Do something! 275 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:08,750 FEMALE VOICE: Frank, no! 276 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,460 STEWIE: Six months later, 277 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:13,380 my old man died when they canceled The Tony Danza Show. 278 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:15,382 The one that was on during the day. 279 00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:18,135 Anyway, all that is why I want to make a movie 280 00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:20,930 about a dog who joins a hockey team. 281 00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,476 Morning, handsome. 282 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:28,187 Mwah. 283 00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:33,817 Now, Lois, you have been accused of an unwanted touching. 284 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,351 - When? - Just now. 285 00:11:35,352 --> 00:11:37,738 - Just before the flip. - Uh, this is ridiculous. 286 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,072 Lois, please. 287 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,741 Now, the way this works is 288 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:43,952 we simply gather information and I make up my mind an hour ago. 289 00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:45,787 Peter, please tell us what happened. 290 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,497 I'm sitting there at my desk, 291 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,249 trying to watch porn on sites 292 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,751 you guys haven't figured out yet, 293 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:51,919 and 294 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,670 she comes in and kisses me. 295 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,381 (CRYING) 296 00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:01,678 Now, Barbara, the reason you are here at Super HR 297 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,765 is there's been an accusation of unwanted touching 298 00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:08,101 and an overly sexualized work environment. 299 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,854 That's it. Peter, no more working from home. 300 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,856 I want you to go back to the office. 301 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:16,026 Peter, how can the company make this right? 302 00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,820 Bring back Lay's WOW chips with Olestra. 303 00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:22,282 Mr. Griffin, those chips were recalled in the '90s 304 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,785 for causing explosive diarrhea. 305 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,203 You heard me. 306 00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:27,871 - (CHIPS CRUNCHING) - Mmm. 307 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:29,419 So good. 308 00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:30,457 (STOMACH GURGLING) 309 00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:31,541 Uh-oh. 310 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:32,627 (EXPLOSIVE FART) 311 00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,714 All right, boys, get me up to speed. 312 00:12:43,136 --> 00:12:45,013 Brian! Chris! 313 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,181 Stewie, what's the matter? 314 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,557 Our Kickstarter... 315 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,351 What? (STAMMERS) Did we not hit our goal? 316 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:52,854 I also want to ask a question without looking at the screen. 317 00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:55,775 Oh, oh, we hit it all right. 318 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:00,487 Whoa. 319 00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,155 We actually have to make this thing. 320 00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,657 Gentlemen, it's time 321 00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:05,701 to start inappropriately touching actresses 322 00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:07,202 on the casting couch. 323 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:10,580 Okay, I have been made aware of the allegations. 324 00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:13,876 Is there anything you can say on your behalf? 325 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,838 I'm trans? 326 00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:19,675 You just won HR. 327 00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:24,345 ♪ ♪ 328 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,015 All right. Dishes washed, 329 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,224 kids off to school, 330 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,101 taking my boobs out of my bra. 331 00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,644 (SIGHS) 332 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,439 Alexa, play Mom Spa channel. 333 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,400 (CALMING MUSIC PLAYING) 334 00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,693 All right, you're gonna have to catch me up. 335 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,361 I just stepped off a bird from Omaha, 336 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,863 and I have a very tight window. 337 00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,281 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. 338 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,699 I don't have the bandwidth for this right now. 339 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,701 This is a lot for me to unpack, honestly. 340 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,369 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 341 00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:50,912 Well, I'm gonna have to circle back with Ken 342 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,289 to get it past the goal line. 343 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,583 Unless, Wendy, do you want to run it up the flagpole? 344 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:56,376 Well, at the end of the day, it is what it is. 345 00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:57,919 Look, look, look. Listen, listen. 346 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,713 Look, listen, look, look, listen, listen. 347 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,465 Not to put too fine a point on it, 348 00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,550 but when push comes to shove, look, listen, look. 349 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,218 Okay, I'm gonna put a pin in this. 350 00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:07,763 I got to go crowd the gate so people think I'm in first class, 351 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,514 even though I'm in boarding group seven. 352 00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,475 - (BEEP) - Peter, for God's sake, 353 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,602 can I not just have 15 minutes of peace and quiet 354 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:14,686 in my own kitchen? 355 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,480 All right, I'll stay out of your way. 356 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,942 I will simply do my work and not say a word. 357 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,571 (WHIRRING) 358 00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,604 (SIGHS) Peter, we are gonna have to fi... 359 00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,189 WOMAN (OVER P.A.): Attention, please, 360 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:02,150 we are gonna begin pre-boarding Flight 238 to Scottsdale, 361 00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:04,611 beginning with our first-class and Prestige members. 362 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,572 Oh, that's me. I got to go. 363 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:12,119 Scuse me, is there any way I can get on the plane now, 364 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,414 even though I'm in the seat whose back touches the bathroom? 365 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:21,962 Okay, welcome to the first official table read 366 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,422 for The Untitled Kickstarter Project. 367 00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:26,383 Chris will be on speakerphone from down the hall, 368 00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:29,219 and, as a reminder, that may result in a five-second delay. 369 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:32,389 So, now to hand it over to our writer extraordinaire, 370 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,683 - Mr. Brian... - CHRIS: Hi, everyone! 371 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,059 There's the delay. 372 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,478 - Brian Griffin, take it away. - Thank you, Stewie. 373 00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:39,688 And before we get started, 374 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,314 I would like to officially thank Stewie 375 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:42,649 for spearheading this project, 376 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,067 and I'd like to thank Chris 377 00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,236 for his help scouting all the locations. 378 00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:48,655 Now, scene one. We open on a suburban... 379 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,906 Aw, you're welcome, Brian! 380 00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:51,408 Happy to pitch in. 381 00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:52,826 Yeah, speaking of scouting, 382 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:54,411 you sure got good at scouting 383 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,996 the location of the nearest Burger King. 384 00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:57,080 Okay, scene one. 385 00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:58,498 We open on a suburban home, 386 00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,667 where a party is in full swing. 387 00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:02,419 - There is a knock at the... - (LAUGHS) 388 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,546 I do like Burger King! 389 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:05,672 At the door. 390 00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,842 The teenage son answers it. 391 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:15,182 Well, if it isn't my favorite uncle. 392 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:17,058 Why-why did we give him the lead part? 393 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,019 Chris, we're having a little delay issue here, 394 00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:21,272 so try and come in a little sooner, yeah? 395 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,776 Roger that. 396 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:29,613 Okay. The teenage son stares at the man in the doorway, 397 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:32,908 - and they exchange an intense... - Back so soon, Uncle Cornelius? 398 00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:34,576 Okay, Chris, that was a little too soon. 399 00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,077 Bri... look, what we're gonna do is, Brian... 400 00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,705 Why didn't you come to my mom's funeral? 401 00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,457 No, no, Chris, we're pausing for a second. 402 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,209 All right? Okay, okay, Brian, here's what we're gonna do. 403 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:45,045 You're going to slap the table halfway through your line, 404 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:47,297 and, Chris, when you hear the slap on your end, 405 00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:48,465 that's when you talk. 406 00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:49,716 Everyone got that? 407 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:50,843 Yes. 408 00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:55,889 Yes. 409 00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:58,308 Okay. Uncle Cornelius stands in the doorway 410 00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,393 in stunned silence 411 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:03,480 not knowing what to say but knowing he should say something. 412 00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:06,274 Well, do you have anything to say for yourself? 413 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,401 - (QUIETLY): This is working. - You're damn right I do! 414 00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,737 Uncle Cornelius slaps the table in anger 415 00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,906 as he walks across to pour himself a gin and... 416 00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:16,576 I'll return your pearl-handled revolver one bullet at a time! 417 00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:18,745 Okay, let's just shoot it. It all works. 418 00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:22,332 I just want to thank... everyone for all their hard work today. 419 00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:24,210 You're welcome! 420 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:30,715 What the hell? 421 00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,134 (KEYS CLACKING) 422 00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:34,344 Oh, hi, Peter. 423 00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,929 Like what I've done with the place? 424 00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:37,847 I'm not sure what you have done. 425 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:41,518 Well, since you decided to turn our house into an office, 426 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,812 I decided to make it into a public work space 427 00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,819 for everyone to enjoy. 428 00:17:45,820 --> 00:17:47,148 Principal Shepherd? 429 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,401 Oh, hey, Peter. John Shepherd of Shepherd Marketing. 430 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,278 (QUIETLY): Eye contact, firm handshake. 431 00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:52,612 We can put your logo on anything: 432 00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,656 a mug, a set of pens, a mug. 433 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,199 I, uh... I don't have a logo. 434 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,701 Funny you should say that, 435 00:17:57,702 --> 00:18:00,120 because our art department could whip you something up. 436 00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:02,998 Hmm, let's see. Peter, Peter... 437 00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:04,124 Penis? 438 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,167 Let's just fire up Windows 98. 439 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,794 You like that, right on the mug? 440 00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,488 Uh, n-no. No, thank you. 441 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,006 Lois, what do you think you're doing? 442 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,966 Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, Peter. 443 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:16,177 Just creating a nice work environment for you. 444 00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:19,306 For instance, I also piped in easy listening music 445 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,515 throughout the house. 446 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:21,975 ♪ Doo doo doo... ♪ 447 00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:24,144 "Ode to My Family" by the Cranberries? 448 00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:26,980 Lois, you know once I hear that, I can't get it out of my head. 449 00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:29,024 (CHUCKLES) Don't worry. It's not the whole song. 450 00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:30,150 It's just the... 451 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,152 ♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪ 452 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:33,361 Part on repeat. 453 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:34,863 That's the catchiest part! 454 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,197 Well, you better get to work. 455 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:38,033 It's already 9:15. 456 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,493 Come on, Peter, focus. You can do this. 457 00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:42,537 ♪ Doo doo doo doo, doo... ♪ 458 00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:45,248 And... send. 459 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,499 All right. 460 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,545 Let's see what Griffin's been up to. 461 00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:56,134 Hmm. I've been saying that to corporate for years. 462 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,344 I got your mug, Peter. 463 00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,346 That'll be $59.99. 464 00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:00,680 I got a Square here, 465 00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:02,766 so we can take care of the transaction in-house. 466 00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,434 Geez, seems kind of pricey. 467 00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:07,062 Well, we could bring that down to $29.99, 468 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:09,064 but you'd have to buy 4,000 of them. 469 00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:12,525 Fruit Baskets Covered in Cellophane. How may I help you? 470 00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:16,446 Long, juicy bananas and melon balls. 471 00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:18,531 No, I know you hadn't asked me a question. 472 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:21,539 I was just thinking about another part of my day. 473 00:19:21,540 --> 00:19:23,953 - (ALARM RINGING) - Okay! Fire drill! 474 00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:26,206 Everyone out in the hot sun for an hour, 475 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,958 with no information as to when we're coming back! 476 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,794 - Damn it, Lois. I can't take this! - (RINGING STOPS) 477 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,963 Huh. Maybe you'd be better off working from your office. 478 00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:37,258 But I thought you'd like having me around the house all day. 479 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,551 I thought so, too, Peter. 480 00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:40,929 But maybe it was too much of a good thing. 481 00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:44,057 You know I love you, but if this marriage is gonna survive, 482 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,601 I think you need to be gone for most of it. 483 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:49,062 I guess you're right. When you look at it, 484 00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:51,398 most marriages are just a couple hours a night. 485 00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:54,401 I'm sorry I was getting on your nerves, being home so much. 486 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:57,278 I'll call Bert and ask him if I can come back to the office. 487 00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:58,405 Thank you, Peter. 488 00:19:58,406 --> 00:19:59,989 I love you so much. 489 00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:02,790 - I love you, too. - Mmm. 490 00:20:02,791 --> 00:20:05,870 Hey, I went ahead and ordered those 4,000 penis mugs for you. 491 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:06,996 I don't want those. 492 00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:08,790 Well, what am I supposed to do with them? 493 00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:11,252 May I propose a merger? 494 00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:16,380 ♪ The secret of my success is I'm living. ♪ 495 00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,104 Wow, we did it. 496 00:20:25,105 --> 00:20:26,641 We actually made a movie. 497 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,101 Yeah, I don't want to call this a movie. 498 00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:29,602 We made a film. 499 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,312 We made a film, guys. 500 00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:36,151 And we even had $300,000 left over to buy snacks. 501 00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:40,447 "M-Movie snacks are very expensive" is, is-is the joke. 502 00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:41,740 (QUIETLY): Here we go. 503 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:45,869 (BARKING) 504 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:47,829 - (BOOING) - MAN: This is garbage! 505 00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:50,210 MAN 2: I'm just happy for a night out. 506 00:20:50,211 --> 00:20:51,460 (BOOING CONTINUES) 507 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,335 Now, who can tell me what they did wrong? 508 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,504 They were no-talent jerks who made a Kickstarter movie? 509 00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:59,174 They were no-talent jerks who made a Kickstarter movie. 510 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:00,968 Don't do that, guys.