1 00:00:00,940 --> 00:00:03,340 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:03,380 --> 00:00:06,880 and scenes that some viewers may find disturbing or upsetting. 3 00:00:32,460 --> 00:00:34,700 [door opens] 4 00:00:35,580 --> 00:00:36,620 Ahem. 5 00:00:36,633 --> 00:00:38,740 They're ready for you now. 6 00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:43,805 - Gwendolyn Harris. We've met. - Bournemouth. 7 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:48,120 - But you don't know the others. - No, but I'm familiar with you. 8 00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:50,660 Why do you want to be an MP? 9 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,300 Because I'm not satisfied with the way things are. 10 00:00:53,308 --> 00:00:56,920 And rather than sit back and moan I'd prefer to do something about it. 11 00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,540 Go again from the top. 12 00:00:58,556 --> 00:01:03,620 I don't know why anyone's surprised the world's number one teen idol has become a Scientologist. 13 00:01:03,626 --> 00:01:04,980 Speed up the autocue, please. 14 00:01:05,020 --> 00:01:07,540 Pop stars do believe in weird things. 15 00:01:07,580 --> 00:01:10,540 Abba believed in angels. R Kelly believed he could fly... 16 00:01:10,906 --> 00:01:12,880 They said show you this. 17 00:01:12,887 --> 00:01:14,262 - This happened just now? - Mm-hmm. 18 00:01:14,268 --> 00:01:15,420 Gladwell? 19 00:01:15,460 --> 00:01:20,240 "Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns", - capitals - "over Twitter porn pics scandal." 20 00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:22,240 Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all. 21 00:01:22,254 --> 00:01:24,360 "Originally claimed his account had been hacked, 22 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,040 "resignation statement admits inappropriate correspondence with a 15-year-old girl." 23 00:01:28,043 --> 00:01:31,422 So tweeting dick photos is "correspondence" now, is it? 24 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:35,440 "Departure triggers a by-election in his Stentonford and Hersham constituency." 25 00:01:35,460 --> 00:01:37,400 Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff. 26 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:37,880 Mm-hmm. 27 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,220 Bump it all up to the top of the monologue. 28 00:01:40,260 --> 00:01:42,100 Anyone seen Jamie? 29 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:48,711 Rach? 30 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,060 You really shouldn't be calling me any more. 31 00:01:51,088 --> 00:01:53,312 You need to sort yourself out. 32 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:54,260 I am. 33 00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:57,290 Put focus on Waldo, that's going well for you. 34 00:01:57,302 --> 00:02:00,128 - But it is not... - He's a hit, Jamie. 35 00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:02,520 "He". Not me, "he". 36 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,460 Just do your show. 37 00:02:04,467 --> 00:02:07,000 I will. I mean, hon, if you'd just... 38 00:02:07,180 --> 00:02:08,700 Jamie? 39 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,060 Jamie, hurry up. 40 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,080 What do you know about Stentonford and Hersham? 41 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,920 Safe Tory seat. 42 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:20,640 So, realistically, I know there's not much of a chance, but... 43 00:02:20,655 --> 00:02:23,460 So, it's a stepping stone for you? 44 00:02:23,588 --> 00:02:25,040 Yes. 45 00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:29,460 Obviously, I wouldn't say that outside of this room, but... 46 00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:31,340 well, you want me to be honest. 47 00:02:31,380 --> 00:02:33,300 There's no point in pretending. 48 00:02:33,311 --> 00:02:37,733 Is there anything in your past that might conceivably cause problems? 49 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,140 No. 50 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,140 Except... 51 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:48,140 I did commit a series of murders in Huddersfield between 1999 and 2003. 52 00:02:48,180 --> 00:02:50,740 But apart from that... 53 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,680 Well, thank you, Gwendolyn. 54 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,540 If you could leave via that door. 55 00:02:57,580 --> 00:02:59,200 Oh, that door? 56 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,640 We like to keep the candidates separate. 57 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,100 Right, yes. 58 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:18,200 (MUTTERS) Idiot. Idiot! 59 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,111 Shamed super groomer and all-round pillock of the community 60 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,234 Jason Gladwell has resigned as an MP, 61 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:29,880 saying he could no longer maintain his position. 62 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,160 That position, presumably, being hunched over 63 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,660 wanking madly at school kids. 64 00:03:34,666 --> 00:03:37,060 - A pal of Gladwell said... - You ready? 65 00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:38,160 Uh-huh. 66 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,240 ...how old the girl wasn't. 67 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:44,540 That's the sort of feeble excuse only a naive school kid would swallow. 68 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,280 Which, presumably, was the idea. 69 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,640 Anyway, the bad news is he's resigned in disgrace. 70 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,120 The good news is he's now free to pursue a full-time career 71 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,260 in the disgraced paedophile industry. 72 00:03:57,540 --> 00:04:00,760 Personally, I don't understand why anyone's surprised... 73 00:04:00,764 --> 00:04:03,060 Um, small change to the intro. 74 00:04:03,140 --> 00:04:03,920 What? 75 00:04:03,922 --> 00:04:06,340 Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko gag for the monologue, so... 76 00:04:06,342 --> 00:04:07,120 That was my bit. 77 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,978 There is the Chancellor stuff, you could use that. 78 00:04:08,983 --> 00:04:10,588 - Bit politics. - You can do politics. 79 00:04:10,592 --> 00:04:12,120 I do piss-taking. 80 00:04:12,123 --> 00:04:14,500 - Go be Waldo. - Yes, commander. 81 00:04:14,508 --> 00:04:16,394 R Kelly believed he could fly, 82 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,820 and Michael Jackson believed that his doctor was qualified... 83 00:04:19,833 --> 00:04:21,800 (DEEP VOICE) Big ball blue bear bollocks. 84 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,760 And now it's time for our final visit 85 00:04:23,777 --> 00:04:26,000 to the world of educational children's programming 86 00:04:26,005 --> 00:04:27,591 courtesy of everyone's favourite, 87 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,500 and only occasionally inappropriate cool kids' TV character, 88 00:04:31,512 --> 00:04:33,108 Waldo. 89 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,840 Whose mum's in tonight, apparently. 90 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,766 Waldo, who have you had in your cave this week? 91 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:44,000 Well, Conor, in my big pink cave this week 92 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:47,000 I had former Minister for Culture Liam Monroe. 93 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,920 Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he? 94 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,200 I was hoping he'd nosh me off! 95 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,000 Want to see how it panned out? 96 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,640 I think we should. 97 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,800 Run VT! 98 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,760 APPLAUSE 99 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,520 LAUGHTER 100 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,280 Hey, everybody! 101 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,280 It's Waldo time! 102 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:13,760 Yeah! 103 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,080 Cool! Cool! 104 00:05:16,220 --> 00:05:18,480 Waldo-rrific! 105 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:19,640 Ha-ha-ha! 106 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:23,191 Hey, kids, my guest this week is Mr Monroe. 107 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,720 Hello, Mr Monroe. 108 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,054 Hello, Waldo. 109 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,256 Mr Monroe is a politician. 110 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,040 So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe? 111 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:40,455 Well, a politician is someone who tries to make the world a fairer place. 112 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,100 Like Batman. 113 00:05:42,140 --> 00:05:44,020 Not exactly like Batman. 114 00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:45,900 Do you beat people up? 115 00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:49,288 - No, I don't beat people up. - Oh, you're a pussy then? 116 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,760 Well, I'm not sure I know exactly what... 117 00:05:52,788 --> 00:05:55,480 You don't know what pussy is? 118 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:56,940 LAUGHTER 119 00:05:57,980 --> 00:06:00,460 OK, this is clearly some kind of joke. 120 00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:03,100 No joke, sorry, let's move on. 121 00:06:03,140 --> 00:06:04,780 Friends again? 122 00:06:13,980 --> 00:06:17,560 Oh, hello, mate, great show. Well done, really good. 123 00:06:17,620 --> 00:06:20,660 So, we'll bring him over. You go and get him, I'll explain about... 124 00:06:20,667 --> 00:06:22,460 Now, he comes across... 125 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:23,820 Jamie! 126 00:06:23,825 --> 00:06:25,760 (WALDO'S VOICE) What you want, Miss Tamsin? 127 00:06:25,768 --> 00:06:28,320 Behind me, man in glasses talking to Jack Napier. 128 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,132 - Jack freaks me out. - Yeah, ditto, 129 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:33,800 but he owns the company and the man he's with is important and wants to talk to you. 130 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,972 He's from the channel. 131 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:37,460 Go on. 132 00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:38,220 Honestly, all I'm saying... 133 00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:39,660 Is he shy? 134 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,900 No, all I'm saying is he's a terrific guy... 135 00:06:41,940 --> 00:06:44,620 - Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim. - How do you do? 136 00:06:44,660 --> 00:06:46,860 - Jim, Jack, James. - Jamie. 137 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,314 Uh, Jim was just talking about Waldo. 138 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:53,020 Yeah. Liam Monroe has lodged a complaint. 139 00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:55,955 - Toys out the pram. - And that's...? 140 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,380 Good press. 141 00:06:57,420 --> 00:06:59,720 It's so tough to get a breakthrough these days, 142 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,300 but when it does, well, it's just fantastic. 143 00:07:02,340 --> 00:07:05,140 It's fantastic the way Waldo puts the piss up Monroe. 144 00:07:05,180 --> 00:07:08,680 You know, all those twats, it's punk, it's... it's... 145 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:09,880 Jack? 146 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,280 Excuse me. 147 00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:16,040 Well, Twitter can't get enough of Waldo, loves him. 148 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,120 Look, I know the show's coming back again next year, 149 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,920 but we want to see more of Waldo. 150 00:07:24,740 --> 00:07:26,967 - They want to do a pilot. - A Waldo pilot? 151 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,100 Yeah. I mean, how does that sound? 152 00:07:29,140 --> 00:07:31,400 Yeah. Sounds good. 153 00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:34,529 Sounds stormin' Norman, fucking stormin'. 154 00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,480 Going to give it to 'em. 155 00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:43,620 PHONE BEEPS 156 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,617 Yeah, but look, we can't do sketches without Waldo. 157 00:07:58,620 --> 00:08:00,622 It's a Waldo pilot, it's a Waldo show, 158 00:08:00,627 --> 00:08:02,380 it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo. 159 00:08:02,389 --> 00:08:04,940 Realistically, there isn't the budget for other animations. 160 00:08:04,947 --> 00:08:07,200 I mean live action, other characters I can do. 161 00:08:07,208 --> 00:08:10,520 - What about the Brown Knight? - What, the crap crusader? 162 00:08:10,528 --> 00:08:12,540 We can look into the Brown Knight. 163 00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:15,840 But right now let's find more Waldo ideas. 164 00:08:16,780 --> 00:08:20,100 The problem is, any guests we book will be in on it. 165 00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:22,460 They know that Waldo's a joke, the surprise is gone. 166 00:08:22,465 --> 00:08:24,380 So, we think round that. 167 00:08:24,420 --> 00:08:27,060 (WALD) Hey, boys and girls! It's Waldo time! 168 00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:29,220 Yeah! Ha-ha! 169 00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:32,100 He's awesome, isn't he? 170 00:08:32,140 --> 00:08:36,560 I mean, look - sod name in lights, you're an app now, my brother. 171 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:41,100 All right, Sara? How's the think tanking going, good shit? 172 00:08:41,109 --> 00:08:43,200 Um, yeah, yeah, we're making headway. 173 00:08:43,203 --> 00:08:44,580 Good. 174 00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:46,940 I see our friend Monroe is in the news again, 175 00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:49,660 running in the Stentonford by-election. 176 00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:51,660 We should get Waldo down there. 177 00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:54,540 Hey, that's not a bad idea, actually. 178 00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:58,240 We get a van with a screen with the image of Waldo on the side. 179 00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:58,940 Like it. 180 00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:01,180 And then, when Monroe's doing a meet and greet, 181 00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:03,420 we just turn up and just get under his skin. 182 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,178 - I love that, I love it. - We've done Monroe. 183 00:09:05,180 --> 00:09:06,500 But it was a great bit. 184 00:09:06,540 --> 00:09:08,940 I'm not dumb or clever enough to be political... 185 00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:12,300 Why don't we get Waldo to stand for the by-election? 186 00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:14,580 - Get people to vote for him? - He's not real. 187 00:09:14,586 --> 00:09:17,100 But people have stood as fictional characters before. 188 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,580 Do you think Screaming Lord Sutch was his real name? 189 00:09:19,588 --> 00:09:21,860 We just put "commonly known as" on the ballot. 190 00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:24,300 No-one's actually going to vote for him, that's not the point. 191 00:09:24,303 --> 00:09:27,380 The point is, we get to hang around, we're there for the count. 192 00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:30,460 Well, go on then, Sara, whack it up there. 193 00:10:02,132 --> 00:10:04,740 He's with a mum and baby group. 194 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:09,315 OK. Going live in five... four... three... two... 195 00:10:09,325 --> 00:10:12,600 Thank you so much for joining me this morning. It's been incredibly informative. 196 00:10:12,607 --> 00:10:15,740 and I think we should have a little round of applause for the children, 197 00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:17,700 who were fantastic. 198 00:10:17,740 --> 00:10:20,120 Thank you, Naomi. 199 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,100 Thank you for your time. 200 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,540 Hey! 201 00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:29,100 Hey, it's me Waldo. 202 00:10:29,140 --> 00:10:31,540 Oh. I like your trainers, man! 203 00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:35,260 I'd wear trainers myself but I can't cos I haven't got feet. I've got stumps. 204 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:36,280 (THEY LAUGH) 205 00:10:36,289 --> 00:10:37,380 He's out. 206 00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:39,760 Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe. 207 00:10:39,775 --> 00:10:42,114 Hey! Did you get off with any of the mums? 208 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,100 Where'd you look while they were breastfeeding? 209 00:10:44,104 --> 00:10:46,180 They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe! 210 00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:47,940 He said it! 211 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,380 Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me! 212 00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:52,334 - I'm sorry about this, Liam. - Hey, I'm being snubbed! 213 00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:55,320 Hey, don't ignore me. Don't just get in your car. 214 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,460 It's a death trap anyway, look at it! 215 00:10:57,467 --> 00:11:00,100 Let's find out what we can about the idiot inside that thing. 216 00:11:00,102 --> 00:11:01,400 Sure. 217 00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,900 Mr Monroe. Oi! 218 00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:06,400 PHONE RINGING 219 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,600 Stentonford Labour Party. 220 00:11:08,609 --> 00:11:10,620 Right, you've got a choice of styles, 221 00:11:10,660 --> 00:11:15,940 so just choose one from there. Then you put your name in there. 222 00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:18,520 This is like bloody Moonpig. 223 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:21,080 Don't knock the free mail out. 224 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:25,689 Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some Fisher-Price leaflet app. 225 00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:27,480 He doesn't have to. 226 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,860 Day one of the campaign in Stentonford and Hersham, 227 00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:38,700 and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe hits the ground running. 228 00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:41,620 The licence fee is something that's very close to my heart... 229 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:44,113 Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh! Look at me Mr Monroe, please! 230 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,680 Hey, over here! Hey, over here... 231 00:11:46,685 --> 00:11:48,580 Look over here, Mr Monroe... 232 00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:50,480 The Conservative Party have been, er... 233 00:11:50,489 --> 00:11:54,100 Have been arguing for a reduction of the licence fee for... 234 00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:55,884 - Good morning, everybody. - Pardon? 235 00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:57,340 Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe? 236 00:11:57,380 --> 00:12:00,680 - I beg your pardon. - I'm sorry. It's rather loud. 237 00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:02,800 We have argued for a further reduction in the licence fee... 238 00:12:02,808 --> 00:12:04,100 Mr Monroe, why you ignoring me? 239 00:12:04,112 --> 00:12:05,900 Mum with a pushchair... Drag her into it. 240 00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:07,340 Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair. 241 00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:11,340 Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe why he's ignoring me. 242 00:12:11,380 --> 00:12:13,880 Why are you ignoring Waldo? 243 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,120 Mr Monroe, what's Waldo done to you? 244 00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:21,040 We should probably just shift before this turns stupid. 245 00:12:21,504 --> 00:12:24,360 I'm not walking away from a cartoon. 246 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,360 I'm not ignoring you. 247 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,660 Yeah, you were, you upset me. 248 00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:32,080 You made Waldo sad. 249 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,300 Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah. 250 00:12:37,020 --> 00:12:40,860 Well, obviously, I'm absolutely devastated that you're upset... 251 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:42,860 WA-A-A-A-A-A-A... 252 00:12:42,900 --> 00:12:45,180 (CROWD LAUGHS) 253 00:12:45,220 --> 00:12:48,140 Let him get a word in. 254 00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:52,780 I'm not ignoring you because there is no you. 255 00:12:52,820 --> 00:12:55,620 You are an image voiced by a comedian. 256 00:12:55,625 --> 00:12:57,500 An alleged comedian, more accurately. 257 00:12:57,512 --> 00:12:59,720 If I'm not real, why you talking to him? 258 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,080 And by "him" I mean me, knobber! 259 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,840 (CROWD LAUGHS) 260 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,660 There's no point in attempting to converse with a cartoon. 261 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:09,260 Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship! 262 00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:12,760 Thy flowery language doth give me a right throbbing bone-on! 263 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,420 Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh! 264 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,940 (CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS) 265 00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:17,820 Uh-er-ha-ha! 266 00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:19,940 Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh! 267 00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:23,500 Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh! 268 00:13:23,540 --> 00:13:25,300 Finished. 269 00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:26,100 (CROWD LAUGHS) 270 00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:34,020 Drink? 271 00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:36,120 I've got e-mails. 272 00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:45,220 You know that's Gwendolyn Harris? 273 00:13:45,223 --> 00:13:47,100 The Labour candidate. 274 00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:51,700 - Did you read my background doc? - Yes. 275 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:56,100 Why don't you read it tonight? Alone. 276 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,140 I'll swing by about nine, so have your breakfast first... 277 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:10,180 Are you my dad? 278 00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:13,060 Apparently not. See you tomorrow. 279 00:14:14,940 --> 00:14:18,140 (TELEVISION)... Waldo the bear left Monroe in stunned silence. 280 00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:20,660 The colourful Waldo launched his own campaign 281 00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:23,660 in typically loud and crowd-pleasing style... 282 00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:29,109 Someone's bold? Do I know you? 283 00:14:29,115 --> 00:14:31,440 Nice way to greet a voter... 284 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:36,100 - Sorry, I thought you were... - Actually, I'm more of a rival. 285 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,960 "Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?" 286 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,212 - You're good at that! - Because I am that. 287 00:14:42,217 --> 00:14:43,440 What? You're that thing? 288 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,880 Waldo's not a thing. He's a bear. 289 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:51,060 Well, Liam Monroe calls him worse. Nice work there, by the way. 290 00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:54,680 Yeah, well. It's dick jokes at his expense basically. 291 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:55,800 Another one? 292 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,440 OK. One. 293 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,640 The way you describe it, it's like you're doing this for a showreel... 294 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:05,380 No... 295 00:15:05,384 --> 00:15:08,400 ...like this place is the equivalent of a walk-on in a sketch show... 296 00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:12,120 ...but your party leader has to show up because it's a... mid-thing... 297 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,317 - Midterm by-election. - Terminology tits. 298 00:15:14,318 --> 00:15:15,560 You are 12! 299 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,556 So because leaderballs is there, 300 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,560 suddenly it's walk-on in a Ricky Gervais sketch show so it's good exposure. 301 00:15:21,564 --> 00:15:23,400 You're not going to win, you know you're not going to win... 302 00:15:23,404 --> 00:15:24,440 Come on, shh. 303 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,480 You're not going to win though. 304 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:27,520 Of course not. 305 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,720 So, why not be honest? 306 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,960 Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, so here's what I think anyway". 307 00:15:31,968 --> 00:15:33,160 It doesn't work like that. 308 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,640 Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed. 309 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,880 You're angry, for someone who's doing well. 310 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,580 I'm the voice of a blue bear... 311 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,520 if that's, "doing well", then we are doomed! 312 00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:50,652 I can't see! 313 00:15:50,660 --> 00:15:52,640 Hang on, there's a thing. 314 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:59,580 Have you had a fox in here or do you live like a 14-year-old? 315 00:16:03,620 --> 00:16:05,840 Well, don't get too excited, I'm not sleeping in it. 316 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,520 Shit, really? 317 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,040 (You're amazing.) 318 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,200 Sorry? 319 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,040 You're amazing? 320 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,840 Oh, thank you! 321 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,840 (SIGHS) 322 00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,880 What's up? 323 00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:56,640 Nothing. 324 00:16:56,647 --> 00:16:58,160 Are you sure? 325 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,000 It's just... 326 00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:11,220 I haven't been happy in a while... 327 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,620 And this is good, you know? 328 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:16,420 Hm. 329 00:17:26,660 --> 00:17:29,920 Can I... have your number? 330 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,000 Yes! 331 00:17:52,140 --> 00:17:53,820 Where's our mark this morning? 332 00:17:53,860 --> 00:17:55,460 We're out on the road. 333 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,580 Ooh... bien sur. 334 00:18:01,420 --> 00:18:05,874 Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe. 335 00:18:05,884 --> 00:18:09,984 Vote for me and keep things shitty. 336 00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,500 PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING 337 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,580 PHONE BEEPS 338 00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:35,800 Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 339 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,500 Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 340 00:18:41,860 --> 00:18:43,520 You're right. Strong Tory. 341 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:44,800 I warned you. 342 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,500 You know you're on Monroe turf when they live so far apart. 343 00:18:48,540 --> 00:18:50,180 CAR HORN BEEPING 344 00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:52,500 I'm voting Waldo! 345 00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:57,820 I met Waldo last night. 346 00:18:57,860 --> 00:18:59,620 Jamie, the guy who plays him. 347 00:18:59,780 --> 00:19:00,840 He's fun. 348 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,340 Fun? 349 00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:03,340 Mmm-hmm. 350 00:19:05,380 --> 00:19:08,040 Did you tell him anything about our campaign? 351 00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:09,600 Not really. 352 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,040 Not really or no? 353 00:19:12,764 --> 00:19:14,700 Er, not really. 354 00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:17,444 - Look, he's OK. - He's a comedian. 355 00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:20,860 He's mocking Monroe now, it'll be you next. 356 00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:25,460 His act is all f-this and penis jokes. 357 00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:26,500 But... 358 00:19:26,511 --> 00:19:28,680 Don't see him again. 359 00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:38,260 OK. Job done till the husting tomorrow. 360 00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:41,980 Some media students doing a Question Time type thing. 361 00:19:41,988 --> 00:19:44,080 They've asked Waldo to join the panel. 362 00:19:44,087 --> 00:19:46,860 Oh, come on. It's my nightmare, going on Question Time. 363 00:19:46,865 --> 00:19:49,400 - It's students, you'll walk it. - I can't answer serious questions. 364 00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:53,900 No-one wants you to! You're the comic relief, lighten up. 365 00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:08,760 Erm, just have a look. I'm sure you'll find lots in there... 366 00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:10,940 PHONE RINGING 367 00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:16,220 Are there any particular issues that you're concerned about at all? 368 00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:18,060 TONE BEEPING 369 00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:32,940 Hey. 370 00:20:32,980 --> 00:20:33,980 Oh, hi. 371 00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:36,300 - I thought we were going to...? - Sorry, I've had a tough day... 372 00:20:36,314 --> 00:20:39,080 - Right. Not even one? - Sorry. 373 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,720 Well, what about tomorrow? 374 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,640 Look, I can't, when this is happening, I can't see you. 375 00:20:44,646 --> 00:20:46,860 - What do you mean? - I'm sorry. 376 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,040 Do they think that looks like Question Time? 377 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,480 Yeah. It looks politicsy. 378 00:21:20,940 --> 00:21:24,720 Check the host. Jailbait Dimbleby. 379 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:37,288 When it comes to addiction and addicts, we should sympathise, but we shouldn't patronise. 380 00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:40,760 You know, serious drug use is a criminal offence, that is 381 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,360 committed voluntarily and for pleasure... 382 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:44,560 AUDIENCE MUTTERS MUTINOUSLY 383 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,840 Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts. 384 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:50,414 - Waldo, what do you think? - Mr Monroe, are you addicted? 385 00:21:50,420 --> 00:21:51,640 No. 386 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:54,040 Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead? 387 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,700 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 388 00:21:56,060 --> 00:21:57,880 I think we have to ask ourselves... 389 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:01,220 I think we have to ask ourselves, what is this for? 390 00:22:01,260 --> 00:22:05,740 And why do we waste our time with animated trivialities like him? 391 00:22:05,750 --> 00:22:06,800 AUDIENCE WHOOPING 392 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,200 I mean why? 393 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,340 Why? I mean why? 394 00:22:09,346 --> 00:22:11,240 I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? 395 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:12,460 I mean why? I mean why? 396 00:22:12,477 --> 00:22:15,140 This is just the kind of thing... rather than see you laugh... 397 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,600 They laugh at you, Limbo. 398 00:22:17,608 --> 00:22:20,280 You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage. 399 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:24,760 Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon. 400 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,400 Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool? 401 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:32,240 I'm... I'm... I'm speaking about James Salter. 402 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:33,620 Hm? 403 00:22:34,420 --> 00:22:36,983 That's your name, isn't it? 404 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:41,581 James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. 405 00:22:41,591 --> 00:22:44,700 He's 33 years old, 406 00:22:44,740 --> 00:22:48,540 a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. 407 00:22:48,580 --> 00:22:50,160 You were in a sketch troupe 408 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,560 that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, 409 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,640 and the others moved on to better things, 410 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:57,100 but your main achievement seems to have been 411 00:22:57,112 --> 00:22:59,280 playing the part of a corn on the cob 412 00:22:59,294 --> 00:23:02,123 in a high-interest personal loan commercial. 413 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,660 I notice you keep that pretty quiet. 414 00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:08,460 And now of course operating this sort of teddy bear thing. 415 00:23:08,500 --> 00:23:11,600 Which by the way is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. 416 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:17,480 See, this is... this is the thing. It's easy, what he does. 417 00:23:17,620 --> 00:23:19,360 He mocks. 418 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,880 And when he can't think of an authentic joke, 419 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:25,320 which is actually quite often, he just swears. 420 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,840 I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the 421 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,920 process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues. 422 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:38,520 So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? 423 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,820 He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say. 424 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,560 Prove me wrong. Hm? 425 00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:46,980 Speak, Waldo. 426 00:23:47,020 --> 00:23:48,452 Please. 427 00:23:49,436 --> 00:23:51,532 Come on. Speak up. 428 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,280 There you see, nothing. 429 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:57,360 Oh, go fuck yourself. 430 00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:59,380 LAUGHTER 431 00:23:59,420 --> 00:24:01,240 It's more swearing. 432 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,860 You're a joke. You look less human than I do 433 00:24:03,867 --> 00:24:06,060 and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock. 434 00:24:06,100 --> 00:24:07,760 LAUGHTER 435 00:24:09,140 --> 00:24:13,280 What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. 436 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:16,060 Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously? 437 00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:18,520 No-one takes you seriously, that's why no-one votes. 438 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:19,840 The vast majority do vote. 439 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:20,720 It's bullshit. 440 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,000 Surely this is enough? 441 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,640 You think you deserve respect. 442 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:24,720 Just common courtesy. 443 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,160 Because you went to public school 444 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,360 and grow up believing you were entitled to everything. 445 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,374 - Perhaps we could get back... - Ad hominem nonsense... 446 00:24:30,380 --> 00:24:31,600 Gwendolyn Harris... 447 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,940 Something's got to change. No-one trusts you lot cos they know 448 00:24:34,947 --> 00:24:37,360 you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble. 449 00:24:37,367 --> 00:24:39,680 What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddy-flasher? 450 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,840 You knew him for 20 years, did you not know what he was like? 451 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:44,080 No, of course not. 452 00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:48,360 Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him, sly and pretending, 453 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,360 and in that way you're all the same. 454 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:55,120 Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time? 455 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,640 Well, of course I think no... 456 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,680 Oh, shut up, you're worse! 457 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,766 Seriously, she's faker than him. 458 00:25:02,780 --> 00:25:05,480 For once I though I must agree with Liam Monroe 459 00:25:05,489 --> 00:25:08,720 in that this doesn't get us anywhere and there's no point in us continuing... 460 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,300 Tell them why you're here. 461 00:25:10,340 --> 00:25:11,720 if we can't have anything resembling a deba... 462 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,500 Tell them why you're here. 463 00:25:16,460 --> 00:25:18,880 She's here to build a showreel. 464 00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:21,640 I'm not kidding, that's literally it. 465 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:25,140 Knows she's not going to win. This is all experience, to get on telly. 466 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,260 She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than he does, 467 00:25:28,300 --> 00:25:31,397 because he'll actually have to represent you. Am I wrong? 468 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,460 A career politician. Someone else less real than me, 469 00:25:35,477 --> 00:25:37,140 and I can do this. 470 00:25:37,180 --> 00:25:38,960 LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING 471 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,720 Can I just make a couple of points? 472 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,440 Oh, shut up, you pebble. 473 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,120 What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe. 474 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:50,120 And the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you. 475 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,360 What are you for? What are you for? 476 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,120 Thank you and goodnight. 477 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:56,440 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 478 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:45,920 KNOCKING 479 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,080 Jamie. 480 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,340 Jamie? 481 00:26:51,980 --> 00:26:54,720 Jack is here. He wants to see us. 482 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,080 You can't avoid it. 483 00:27:02,780 --> 00:27:05,580 Get dressed, he'll meet us outside. 484 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,840 (TV) And yet accusations of vapidity aside, 485 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,160 it's clearly tapped a nerve. 486 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:28,520 in just three days, Waldo has gone viral. 487 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:33,440 The video of his clash has already been viewed over a million times on YouTube. 488 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:38,194 There are Facebook groups calling on Waldo to form a national party. 489 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:39,713 You're a joke. 490 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:43,160 You look less human than I do and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise (BLEEP). 491 00:27:43,166 --> 00:27:47,400 What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. 492 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,995 Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously. 493 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,100 No-one takes you (BLEEP) seriously. 494 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:55,600 MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY 495 00:28:01,900 --> 00:28:04,160 Oh, look, here, he is the man of the moment! 496 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,280 How does it feel to be a phenomenon? 497 00:28:06,294 --> 00:28:08,120 Shitifying. 498 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:10,000 You are everywhere, my son. 499 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,260 Twitter, the news... Have you seen the poll? 500 00:28:12,300 --> 00:28:16,060 You're in third place, mate. You overtook that Lib Dem prick... 501 00:28:16,077 --> 00:28:18,733 - Yeah, well, he's a glass of water. - This is an opportunity, Jamie. 502 00:28:18,740 --> 00:28:20,640 He knows my name now. 503 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,540 We could really do something here. 504 00:28:22,580 --> 00:28:25,000 You know, everyone's pissed with the status quo. 505 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:29,440 - And Waldo gives that a voice. - Waldo's a bear. A blue bear. 506 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,036 Tell him, Tams. 507 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,440 We've been asked on Consensus. 508 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,880 It's a ten-minute one-to-one interview with Phillip Crane. 509 00:28:36,888 --> 00:28:38,900 - Pitbull Crane? - Big guns for big guns. 510 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:42,060 Hello? I'm not a politician, OK? I don't want to be a politician. 511 00:28:42,066 --> 00:28:43,520 We know that you hate politics. 512 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,880 I don't hate them, I'm just not interested in them. 513 00:28:45,889 --> 00:28:47,800 You don't need to be interested in them. 514 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:49,920 You just need to be Waldo. 515 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:54,277 And when Crane asks something tricky and I look stupid because I don't know how to answer? 516 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,913 You'll know the answer. Because you have a producer. 517 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:01,520 Look, I can tell you what to say. 518 00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:05,345 I can live Google any facts, give you stats, quotes, whatever else you need. 519 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:07,720 So you've got a safety net for the concrete stuff 520 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,220 And the rest is Waldo, and you can do that in your sleep. 521 00:29:10,260 --> 00:29:12,160 You'll piss all over Crane. 522 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,240 He'll know there's a team around me, he'll see it. 523 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,840 Yeah good. I hope he does. I hope he points a camera at it. 524 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,920 All the other MPs have got teams, we're just more honest about it. 525 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:23,200 Now come on. What do you say? Eh? 526 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,593 - Jamie! Jamie! - Why would I want to do this? 527 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,480 Look, the world is knackered and you can do something about it. 528 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:32,760 I don't know what you're on about. 529 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:34,740 Waldo has got the attention of the young, 530 00:29:34,744 --> 00:29:39,020 and the young don't give a shit about anything except trainers and pirating films. 531 00:29:39,027 --> 00:29:41,740 Do you have any other astounding theories about young people? 532 00:29:41,743 --> 00:29:45,280 Yeah, yeah I do actually. Look, they care about Waldo. 533 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:48,119 They'll vote for Waldo. The video was a hit for a reason. 534 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,400 The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. 535 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,520 I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate... 536 00:29:52,522 --> 00:29:54,620 - It doesn't matter. - or funny, which is almost worse. 537 00:29:54,624 --> 00:29:56,900 - We can build on that. - Waldo's not real. 538 00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:00,680 Exactly! That's what you said that really hit home. He's not real, 539 00:30:00,686 --> 00:30:02,340 but he's realer than all the others. 540 00:30:02,344 --> 00:30:03,960 He doesn't stand for anything. 541 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:06,360 Yeah, well, at least he doesn't pretend to. 542 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:08,880 Look we... we don't need politicians, 543 00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:11,720 we've all got iPhones and computers, right? 544 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:15,280 So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. 545 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:19,040 Let the people vote thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. 546 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,920 That's a democracy. That's a... that's an actual democracy. 547 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:24,654 So is YouTube and I don't know if you've seen it 548 00:30:24,660 --> 00:30:29,760 but the most popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days. 549 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,133 Well, today it's Waldo. 550 00:30:33,140 --> 00:30:35,760 No. It's still the dog. 551 00:30:35,777 --> 00:30:40,468 Listen, can you imagine all the things we can change if we fuck the politicians out the equation? 552 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:43,420 I've said what I've said and now I'm shutting this door. 553 00:30:46,900 --> 00:30:49,669 Do you know who owns Waldo? 554 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:52,600 I do, I own the rights. 555 00:30:54,277 --> 00:30:56,080 He's my character. 556 00:30:56,088 --> 00:30:58,480 Yeah, written for my show. 557 00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:02,040 You're too frightened to take to the next level. Fine. I understand. 558 00:31:02,047 --> 00:31:05,120 But also, fuck off! 559 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:07,200 And watch me fly. 560 00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:10,783 You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo. 561 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:15,520 (MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh? 562 00:31:16,860 --> 00:31:19,000 Pretty close, I'd say. 563 00:31:39,750 --> 00:31:41,910 What's happenin'? Ahh! 564 00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:45,550 Waldorific, yeah! Yeah! 565 00:31:45,690 --> 00:31:48,066 Why is it going off left again? Because the... 566 00:31:48,070 --> 00:31:49,990 - I know! I've got my... - Put your thumb in the white thing. 567 00:31:49,999 --> 00:31:52,030 I got that. In there? OK. 568 00:31:52,070 --> 00:31:54,370 That's not how that works. 569 00:32:02,570 --> 00:32:06,990 First tonight, a figure, or more accurately a character, 570 00:32:07,004 --> 00:32:10,610 who's been causing an upset in the Stentonford by-election. 571 00:32:10,650 --> 00:32:13,927 Unlike the other candidates, he has no party affiliation. 572 00:32:13,930 --> 00:32:15,930 He doesn't even have a surname. 573 00:32:15,932 --> 00:32:20,670 He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just a cult character in a comedy show. 574 00:32:20,688 --> 00:32:23,856 Today, an official mascot for protest voters. 575 00:32:23,859 --> 00:32:25,130 Vote Waldo. 576 00:32:25,170 --> 00:32:27,519 Cartoons don't play by the rules 577 00:32:27,522 --> 00:32:31,130 and Waldo's open disdain for his opponents has clearly struck a chord. 578 00:32:33,670 --> 00:32:36,350 Waldo, as a mascot for the disenfranchised, 579 00:32:36,354 --> 00:32:39,930 don't you ultimately neutralizing seriously effective dissent? 580 00:32:40,930 --> 00:32:43,010 Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane, please? 581 00:32:43,023 --> 00:32:46,508 By encouraging people not to care, you're actively dangerous. 582 00:32:46,510 --> 00:32:48,650 Dangerous? You think the public can't be trusted? 583 00:32:48,660 --> 00:32:49,430 No. 584 00:32:49,444 --> 00:32:51,810 - Isn't that basically you calling them twats? - No, I... 585 00:32:51,822 --> 00:32:52,890 Bell-ends then? 586 00:32:52,910 --> 00:32:54,450 Did you have to come for a discussion or... 587 00:32:54,490 --> 00:32:57,790 You're snooty for a glorified Punch And Judy man, Phil. 588 00:32:57,830 --> 00:33:00,770 You know you're gonna get your best ratings in months cos I'm here. 589 00:33:00,810 --> 00:33:03,530 To even get close to the figures I'm gonna pull in for you tonight, 590 00:33:03,570 --> 00:33:06,370 you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich live on air. 591 00:33:06,410 --> 00:33:08,010 Make a nice prawn cocktail. 592 00:33:08,050 --> 00:33:10,170 Could we make a serious political point that is... 593 00:33:10,210 --> 00:33:12,090 I've got one big blue point to make, fool. 594 00:33:12,130 --> 00:33:14,269 - Would you like to have a look at it? - Oh, God. Thank you. 595 00:33:14,270 --> 00:33:16,730 Great work tonight. Look at... Look at this, look at this. 596 00:33:16,770 --> 00:33:19,990 It's The Waldo polling app. Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS 597 00:33:20,030 --> 00:33:23,430 so that when you're at a polling station, it unlocks loads of free shit, look. 598 00:33:23,490 --> 00:33:24,730 Thanks for voting, dickhead! 599 00:33:24,870 --> 00:33:27,290 Thanks for voting, dickhead! 600 00:33:27,330 --> 00:33:28,450 It's good, isn't it? 601 00:33:28,490 --> 00:33:29,890 Who's this guy we're meeting? 602 00:33:29,930 --> 00:33:34,370 I dunno. But he's from Washington and he's got my restricted number. 603 00:33:37,110 --> 00:33:39,890 Jeff Carter, from the agency. 604 00:33:40,050 --> 00:33:41,830 - Hey. - Hey. And I'll leap right in. 605 00:33:41,850 --> 00:33:44,410 I think what you're doing with Waldo is fascinating. 606 00:33:44,450 --> 00:33:45,730 From "the agency"? 607 00:33:45,770 --> 00:33:49,370 Yeah, listen. Waldo may be the perfect political figurehead. 608 00:33:49,410 --> 00:33:50,890 Waldo The Bear. 609 00:33:50,930 --> 00:33:53,930 The bear, people like. The fact he's a bear is an assist. 610 00:33:53,970 --> 00:33:55,470 - An assist? - It helps. 611 00:33:55,490 --> 00:33:57,779 Right. You look at human politicians, 612 00:33:57,790 --> 00:34:00,530 you're instinctively like, "brrrr" - uncanny, right? 613 00:34:00,570 --> 00:34:02,030 Like the girls in porn. 614 00:34:02,035 --> 00:34:04,210 You know something's wrong, cos why else are they doing it? 615 00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:05,767 It's usually daddy issues, eh? 616 00:34:05,970 --> 00:34:08,210 Just like politics. Waldo bypasses that. 617 00:34:08,250 --> 00:34:10,730 You already know he's not real, so no personal flaws. 618 00:34:10,770 --> 00:34:12,199 I'm a person. 619 00:34:12,210 --> 00:34:14,190 With respect, Waldo's more than you. 620 00:34:14,230 --> 00:34:17,730 He's a team, and you're open about that, which is fantastic. 621 00:34:17,770 --> 00:34:19,690 The honesty thing works. 622 00:34:19,730 --> 00:34:23,930 Waldo is a construct people not just accept, but embrace. 623 00:34:23,970 --> 00:34:26,090 At the moment he's anti-politics, 624 00:34:26,130 --> 00:34:28,930 which is a political stance itself, right? 625 00:34:28,970 --> 00:34:32,050 But he could deliver any brand of political content, 626 00:34:32,090 --> 00:34:34,730 minus the potential downsides of a human messenger. 627 00:34:34,770 --> 00:34:38,650 In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, 628 00:34:38,690 --> 00:34:40,650 then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats 629 00:34:40,690 --> 00:34:43,810 and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. 630 00:34:43,850 --> 00:34:46,170 He's the perfect assassin. 631 00:34:46,210 --> 00:34:48,590 We won't win, though. 632 00:34:51,510 --> 00:34:53,570 You guys are so British. 633 00:34:53,610 --> 00:34:57,730 No, of course he won't win. You started out too coarse off the bat. 634 00:34:57,770 --> 00:35:00,930 There's no substantial basis to what you offer, and the whole 635 00:35:00,943 --> 00:35:05,370 nihilist "democracy sucks" thing, yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo, 636 00:35:05,410 --> 00:35:09,810 but with a targeted, hopeful message, which we of course can provide, 637 00:35:09,850 --> 00:35:13,010 energising the disenfranchised without spooking the middle, 638 00:35:13,050 --> 00:35:15,585 via your new platform... 639 00:35:15,590 --> 00:35:20,910 You got a global political-entertainment product people actually want. 640 00:35:21,370 --> 00:35:23,570 You could roll this out worldwide. 641 00:35:23,610 --> 00:35:25,390 Like Pringles. 642 00:35:25,430 --> 00:35:27,090 Absolutely. 643 00:35:31,670 --> 00:35:34,990 It's, er... It's interesting stuff though. 644 00:35:35,030 --> 00:35:36,930 When you're done with Stentonford, 645 00:35:36,970 --> 00:35:39,530 there may be an opportunity in South America. 646 00:35:39,570 --> 00:35:41,170 Se puede hablar espanol? 647 00:35:41,210 --> 00:35:43,570 Vivi en Madrid tres anos. 648 00:35:43,610 --> 00:35:45,950 Excelente. 649 00:36:04,410 --> 00:36:06,150 What? 650 00:36:06,870 --> 00:36:08,650 He's not coming. 651 00:36:08,690 --> 00:36:11,090 But he's the party leader! 652 00:36:11,130 --> 00:36:13,010 It's too toxic. 653 00:36:15,810 --> 00:36:19,476 (TV) Meanwhile, as support for Gwendolyn Harris appears to be dwindling, 654 00:36:19,490 --> 00:36:23,370 Labour denies the party is losing faith in their young candidate. 655 00:36:23,388 --> 00:36:27,810 But Miss Harris spent most of the day locked in crisis talks at party headqu... 656 00:36:30,970 --> 00:36:36,450 In the Stentonford by-election, Waldo the cartoon bear continues to be... 657 00:36:36,490 --> 00:36:38,970 Did you see Gwendolyn Harris yesterday? 658 00:36:39,010 --> 00:36:41,050 She looks like she's been poisoned. 659 00:36:41,090 --> 00:36:44,846 - Because he's gonna overtake her. - We're still way ahead. 660 00:36:44,850 --> 00:36:49,170 If that thing is the main opposition then the whole system looks absurd. 661 00:36:50,850 --> 00:36:53,410 Which it may well be. 662 00:36:53,450 --> 00:36:56,050 But it built these roads. 663 00:37:01,070 --> 00:37:02,570 KNOCK AT DOOR 664 00:37:02,812 --> 00:37:05,110 Just come in, Roy. 665 00:37:11,150 --> 00:37:13,310 I'm sorry, OK? 666 00:37:14,330 --> 00:37:17,030 It was wrong to speak to you like that and... 667 00:37:17,044 --> 00:37:19,770 After the campaign, I would've called you. 668 00:37:19,950 --> 00:37:22,450 After the campaign! 669 00:37:22,490 --> 00:37:25,310 All you've done is strengthen Monroe. 670 00:37:25,410 --> 00:37:29,370 You won't win either, but I was at least attempting to represent... 671 00:37:29,410 --> 00:37:32,388 Well I don't know! Not just "bollocks to everything". 672 00:37:32,410 --> 00:37:35,086 If you were preaching revolution, well that'd be something, 673 00:37:35,090 --> 00:37:38,930 but you're not because that would require courage and a mindset. 674 00:37:39,310 --> 00:37:41,270 And what have you got? 675 00:37:42,330 --> 00:37:44,430 Who are you? 676 00:37:44,870 --> 00:37:47,170 What are you for? 677 00:37:53,630 --> 00:37:55,610 Morning. 678 00:38:04,570 --> 00:38:06,570 So, final push. 679 00:38:06,579 --> 00:38:08,357 You remind everyone that's got the app 680 00:38:08,366 --> 00:38:12,210 that if they recommend it to a friend it unlocks a little fez for Waldo. 681 00:38:12,350 --> 00:38:14,030 We're here. 682 00:38:15,950 --> 00:38:18,290 Attention, shoppers. 683 00:38:18,330 --> 00:38:21,930 I'm here to ask you an important favour. Gather round. 684 00:38:21,970 --> 00:38:24,290 Come over here and listen. 685 00:38:26,410 --> 00:38:29,530 Don't vote for me. I'm an insult. 686 00:38:29,570 --> 00:38:31,090 Seriously. 687 00:38:31,130 --> 00:38:34,090 Vote for Monroe or Harris or, I dunno, UKIP, 688 00:38:34,130 --> 00:38:36,230 or even that Lib Dem guy. 689 00:38:36,270 --> 00:38:37,570 He's a prick! 690 00:38:37,610 --> 00:38:41,263 Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me. 691 00:38:41,270 --> 00:38:42,370 What is this? Irony? 692 00:38:42,410 --> 00:38:44,090 I'm worse than a wasted vote. 693 00:38:44,130 --> 00:38:45,850 He's from the Harris campaign. 694 00:38:45,890 --> 00:38:48,090 I mean it, you idiots! Don't vote for me! 695 00:38:48,130 --> 00:38:50,290 Don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! 696 00:38:50,330 --> 00:38:52,210 Don't vote for me! 697 00:38:52,250 --> 00:38:53,970 Don't vmmmf! 698 00:38:56,330 --> 00:38:57,450 Shut up. 699 00:38:57,490 --> 00:38:59,370 No. Don't boo him, he's right! He's right! 700 00:38:59,410 --> 00:39:01,170 - What are you doing? - Resigning. 701 00:39:01,174 --> 00:39:02,550 Jamie! 702 00:39:03,690 --> 00:39:06,050 Look! It's me, I'm Waldo. 703 00:39:06,090 --> 00:39:08,650 This guy, whoever this guy is, he's a hero. 704 00:39:08,690 --> 00:39:11,010 He should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news. 705 00:39:11,050 --> 00:39:12,423 - He's funny! - He's not. 706 00:39:12,430 --> 00:39:15,430 Don't listen to that man, he's a lesbian. Ahh! 707 00:39:15,470 --> 00:39:18,670 So remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, 708 00:39:18,691 --> 00:39:22,330 you can unlock new stuff like catchphrases and a little hat 'n' that. 709 00:39:22,370 --> 00:39:26,690 Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me. So question the status quo! 710 00:39:26,702 --> 00:39:29,483 - Kill it! Kill it! - Kick them where it hurts. 711 00:39:29,490 --> 00:39:32,290 The first man to hit him gets 500 quid! 712 00:39:32,304 --> 00:39:35,570 Yeah, that's right. Knock him down. Knock him down. 713 00:39:35,610 --> 00:39:37,010 Smash it! 714 00:39:37,050 --> 00:39:39,170 Yeah! Yeah! 715 00:39:39,210 --> 00:39:43,530 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah... 716 00:39:52,850 --> 00:39:54,210 (TV) I, the undersigned, 717 00:39:54,250 --> 00:39:58,131 being the returning officer for the Stentonford and Hersham constituency, 718 00:39:58,141 --> 00:40:03,956 hereby give notice that the total number of votes recorded for each candidate at the election is as follows. 719 00:40:04,490 --> 00:40:08,290 Finch, Simon Arthur. Liberal Democrats. 720 00:40:08,330 --> 00:40:10,850 2,449. 721 00:40:10,990 --> 00:40:13,650 APPLAUSE 722 00:40:13,690 --> 00:40:17,090 Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour. 723 00:40:17,130 --> 00:40:19,570 11,237. 724 00:40:19,710 --> 00:40:22,930 APPLAUSE AND BOOING 725 00:40:22,970 --> 00:40:27,410 Monroe, Liam George Tennyson. Conservative. 726 00:40:27,450 --> 00:40:29,990 19,161. 727 00:40:30,030 --> 00:40:32,970 JEERING 728 00:40:36,310 --> 00:40:38,950 Waldo, Independent. 729 00:40:42,010 --> 00:40:44,570 16,784. 730 00:40:44,710 --> 00:40:47,550 BOOING AND SHOUTING 731 00:40:47,990 --> 00:40:52,370 Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen, please! I declare that Liam Monroe 732 00:40:52,410 --> 00:40:55,590 is duly elected member of Parliament for the constituency. 733 00:40:55,630 --> 00:40:57,370 BOOING 734 00:40:57,410 --> 00:40:59,730 Hey, hey! Everyone! 735 00:40:59,770 --> 00:41:02,550 500 quid to anyone who can lob a shoe! 736 00:41:32,690 --> 00:41:34,930 Up you get, come on. 737 00:41:34,970 --> 00:41:36,650 Come on! 738 00:41:38,530 --> 00:41:41,810 MECHANICAL WHIRRING 739 00:41:45,130 --> 00:41:47,210 Come on. Out you go. 740 00:42:18,610 --> 00:42:22,890 AUDIO IN MANDARIN 741 00:42:42,170 --> 00:42:43,210 GLASS SMASHES 742 00:42:43,250 --> 00:42:44,650 Oi! 743 00:42:45,970 --> 00:42:47,170 Agh! 744 00:43:03,850 --> 00:43:06,890 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd