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The Enterprise is preparing
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to leave Beta III in star system C-111.
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Sociologist Lindstrom
is remaining behind
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with a party of experts
who will help restore
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the planet's culture to a human form.
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The Late Landru, Captain.
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A marvelous feat of engineering.
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A computer capable
of directing the lives
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of millions of human beings.
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But only a machine, Mr. Spock.
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The original Landru programmed
it with all his knowledge,
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but he couldn't give it
his wisdom, his compassion,
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his understanding, his soul.
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I prefer the concrete, the
graspable, the provable.
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You'd make a splendid
computer, Mr. Spock.
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That is very kind of you, Captain.
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That's humorous, because Spock
is half human and half Vulcan.
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But he's ashamed of his human side.
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That's why I identify with him.
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Good luck.
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I gravitate a little more towards Kirk.
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Why?
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Be-cause... everything
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he says...
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he makes sound so im-portant.
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I should hope so... He's the captain.
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Sheldon.
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Do me a favor.
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Go help your brother study
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for his math test tomorrow.
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Is that really a good use of my time?
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Come on. I'm asking nice.
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If he doesn't pass, he won't
be able to play football.
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You realize he's often mean to me.
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So? Your mother's mean to
me. I still try to be helpful.
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Does she break wind on your head?
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Because that's what Georgie does to me.
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Can you help me out here?
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I'll do it if you take
me to the train store.
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You got it.
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And buy me whatever I want.
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Connie, what are you doing?
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Just providing my grandson
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with financial guidance.
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Don't mock the captain.
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If Georgie passes his test,
I'll get you whatever you want...
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Under 20 bucks.
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Deal.
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Why?
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I guess I like him better than you.
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Georgie?
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- What?
- Dad told me
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to help you study for the math test.
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I don't need your help. Get lost.
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Georgie, let him help you!
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Fine. Come in!
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Oh, dear.
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What's your problem?
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No problem. I'll just...
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tidy while we talk.
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Help yourself.
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Before we start, I'd like to get a sense
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- of how much algebra you know.
- 'Kay.
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Do you understand solving and graphing
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- linear inequalities?
- Sure.
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Great. Explain it to me.
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Uh...
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first you solve 'em...
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and then you graph 'em.
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And how do you do that?
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Uh, you know,
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carefully.
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Excuse me.
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$20 isn't gonna do it.
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- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --
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So you collect all
the terms linear in X.
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See? Simple.
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Maybe for you.
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No, it's simple for everybody.
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Now you collect all
the terms linear in Y.
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I don't get it.
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Try this. Close your eyes.
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- 'Kay.
- Can you see
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the slope of the line given
by the coefficients of X and Y?
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No.
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What do you see?
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Darkness.
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Try harder.
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Wait.
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I see Elle Macpherson in a bikini.
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Ooh, it just fell off.
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- Dad!
- I'll make it $40! Keep going!
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Maybe the problem is
you're not a good teacher.
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Unlikely. Regardless,
I am your only hope.
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What do you see when
you close your eyes?
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I see quadrant one as red,
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quadrant two is soft and plush...
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quadrant three smells like lavender,
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and quadrant four is overlaid
with a Fibonacci spiral.
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That's really weird.
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No. What's really weird
is doing simple algebra
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and thinking about a girl in a bikini.
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I disagree.
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Dad!
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Keep going.
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And when you divide
by a negative number,
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you have to reverse the
direction of the inequality.
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I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
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But we're not done.
You're going to fail.
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I get enough of what
you said. I'll be fine.
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It was at that moment I decided
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I was not cut out for teaching.
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I consoled myself with the knowledge
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that I was wonderful at everything else.
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Take one and pass it back.
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Take one and pass it back.
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As you all know, this test'll count
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for 25% of your final grade.
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Be sure to show all your work.
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If you get stuck on a question,
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move on and come back to it at the end.
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And I shouldn't have to say this,
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but if there's any
cheating, I will see it.
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I got eyes in the back of my head.
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I got more eyes than a potato.
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Ms. Ingram?
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- Yeah, Sheldon.
- I'm done.
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What?
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I enjoyed it very much.
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I'll take another if you have one.
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No, I don't have another one.
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J-Just read ahead in the textbook.
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Oh, boy.
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Seeing my brother struggle
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was difficult for me.
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As his tutor, I took
his failure personally,
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almost as if I had failed.
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Which was odd, because
I knew how dumb he was.
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Georgie, how'd you do
on that math test today?
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It was tough.
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I don't know.
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I'm sorry I wasn't more help.
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Me, too.
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That's all right, baby, you tried.
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Yeah. It's okay, baby.
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I don't understand what went wrong.
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Is there any chance you drank alcohol
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when you were pregnant with Georgie?
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No!
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Well, don't be so
high-and-mighty.
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I drank when I was pregnant with you.
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You turned out fine.
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These days everybody's like,
"Don't drink, don't smoke."
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I swear. Texas is
turning into California.
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You realize there's nothing
I can do if you fail.
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You're off the team.
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I know.
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Well, I'm gonna ask Jesus
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to help you get a good
grade on that test.
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Shouldn't you have asked
him before he took it?
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The man rose from the dead...
I think he can fix a test
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after the fact.
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You know, I hear you
say things like that,
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and I wonder if maybe I did
have a few too many whiskey sours
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when you were in my belly.
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Not me, but not bad.
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I would say "A" for effort,
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but... that's an "F."
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What? How bad is it?
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You got a "B."
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Are you kidding?
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I don't believe it.
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Me, neither.
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Me, neither.
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So, I guess I have to
rethink my abilities.
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Clearly, I'm a wonderful teacher.
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Georgie didn't pass because of you.
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What do you mean?
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He cheated.
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He had the answers written
on the bottom of his shoe.
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He wouldn't do that.
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When you cheat in school,
you only cheat yourself.
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Where'd you get that?
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An inspirational poster
outside the boys' room.
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I saw what I saw, Sheldon.
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Well, if this is true,
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he needs to turn himself in.
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That'll never happen. He'll
get kicked off the team.
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I'm sorry, I can't accept this.
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There must be another explanation.
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If you don't believe
me, look at his shoes.
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I will.
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This is quite a workout.
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You dirty bird.
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What are you doing in here?
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You cheated.
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No, I didn't.
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I'm holding the evidence.
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Let me see that.
200
00:09:04,571 --> 00:09:05,915
I don't see nothin'.
201
00:09:05,917 --> 00:09:08,678
That's obstruction of justice,
202
00:09:08,681 --> 00:09:10,493
as well as disgusting.
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Oh, relax. By passing that
test, I get to play football,
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and you get to go to the train store.
205
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Everybody wins.
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00:09:17,429 --> 00:09:19,107
But what about the truth?
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What about it?
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It's supposed to set us free.
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00:09:22,626 --> 00:09:24,167
Who told you that?
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00:09:24,169 --> 00:09:25,635
The Bible.
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00:09:25,637 --> 00:09:28,371
Since when do you care
about what's in the Bible?
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00:09:28,373 --> 00:09:30,673
When it helps me win an argument.
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00:09:30,675 --> 00:09:33,897
The Bible also says honor
thy father and thy mother.
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00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:36,654
And if you open your mouth,
you're gonna make them sad.
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00:09:36,657 --> 00:09:38,414
He had me.
216
00:09:38,416 --> 00:09:41,927
Somehow, the mullet-headed
simpleton had me.
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00:09:41,930 --> 00:09:44,124
This isn't over.
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00:09:44,127 --> 00:09:46,060
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
219
00:09:47,158 --> 00:09:49,314
All right, maybe it's over.
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00:09:53,031 --> 00:09:54,884
Meemaw?
221
00:10:02,156 --> 00:10:04,723
I assume you've read the
Surgeon General's report
222
00:10:04,726 --> 00:10:06,459
on the dangers of smoking?
223
00:10:06,462 --> 00:10:09,012
I'm gonna wait till they
turn it into a movie.
224
00:10:09,014 --> 00:10:10,580
Is that your new train?
225
00:10:10,582 --> 00:10:14,617
Yes. It's my reward for helping
Georgie pass the math test.
226
00:10:14,619 --> 00:10:16,886
You don't seem too happy about it.
227
00:10:16,888 --> 00:10:19,120
I don't feel like I earned it.
228
00:10:19,123 --> 00:10:20,756
Why not?
229
00:10:20,759 --> 00:10:22,225
Can you keep a secret?
230
00:10:22,227 --> 00:10:25,294
Well, at my age, the question
is can I remember one.
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00:10:25,296 --> 00:10:26,596
Try me.
232
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,600
Georgie cheated on the test.
233
00:10:30,602 --> 00:10:32,101
Oh.
234
00:10:32,103 --> 00:10:33,678
And nothing bad happened.
235
00:10:33,681 --> 00:10:35,138
He gets to stay on the football team,
236
00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:36,510
Mom and Dad are proud of him,
237
00:10:36,513 --> 00:10:38,045
I even got a train for helping.
238
00:10:38,048 --> 00:10:40,835
So you're feeling guilty.
239
00:10:40,838 --> 00:10:43,179
Very much so.
240
00:10:43,181 --> 00:10:45,715
Well, that's a real conundrum.
241
00:10:45,717 --> 00:10:48,027
Have you been reading the
Word of the Day calendar
242
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:49,652
I gave you for your birthday?
243
00:10:49,655 --> 00:10:52,255
Indubitably.
244
00:10:54,824 --> 00:10:56,524
So what do you think?
245
00:10:56,526 --> 00:10:58,959
I don't think you should
let it bother you very much.
246
00:10:58,961 --> 00:11:01,246
I mean, there's always
gonna be people in this world
247
00:11:01,249 --> 00:11:04,298
who are playing fast
and loose with the rules.
248
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,200
And your brother's one of them.
249
00:11:08,671 --> 00:11:10,725
That's how Captain Kirk is on Star Trek.
250
00:11:10,728 --> 00:11:13,674
Well, there you go, and he's,
like, the main guy on that show.
251
00:11:13,676 --> 00:11:16,194
No, Mr. Spock is the main guy.
252
00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:19,065
I stand corrected.
253
00:11:19,068 --> 00:11:23,250
Although Kirk is usually the
one who saves the Enterprise.
254
00:11:23,252 --> 00:11:26,620
Because he doesn't
always follow the rules?
255
00:11:26,622 --> 00:11:30,218
He even cheated on a
test when he was a cadet.
256
00:11:30,221 --> 00:11:31,920
The Kobayashi Maru.
257
00:11:31,923 --> 00:11:32,789
The what?
258
00:11:32,792 --> 00:11:33,824
Kobayashi Maru.
259
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,729
Kirk is a legend because of it.
260
00:11:35,732 --> 00:11:38,899
Ko-Kobayashi Maru.
261
00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:41,597
Sounds like something
you eat at Benihana's.
262
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,037
Have you ever been to one of those?
263
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,405
They make you sit with strangers.
264
00:11:44,407 --> 00:11:45,671
It's crazy.
265
00:11:48,077 --> 00:11:50,678
Do you think a Spock
could become a Kirk?
266
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,980
Well, in my experience,
267
00:11:52,982 --> 00:11:55,416
most people stay the
miserable bastards they are
268
00:11:55,418 --> 00:11:56,751
their whole entire life.
269
00:11:56,753 --> 00:11:58,052
But...
270
00:11:58,054 --> 00:12:00,444
I have seen some folks change.
271
00:12:02,859 --> 00:12:04,225
Hmm.
272
00:12:06,095 --> 00:12:08,963
All right. Well, I'm gonna
go play with this train.
273
00:12:08,965 --> 00:12:10,608
You do that.
274
00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:28,716
Georgie?
275
00:12:28,718 --> 00:12:30,944
- Go away.
- I need to ask a favor.
276
00:12:30,947 --> 00:12:32,080
What?
277
00:12:32,083 --> 00:12:34,155
It's private. Can I come in?
278
00:12:34,157 --> 00:12:35,936
Come on.
279
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,747
Ugh.
280
00:12:40,750 --> 00:12:42,249
What do you want?
281
00:12:42,252 --> 00:12:44,864
It occurs to me you
have something in common
282
00:12:44,867 --> 00:12:46,389
with Captain Kirk.
283
00:12:46,392 --> 00:12:47,958
We both have cool hair?
284
00:12:47,961 --> 00:12:49,060
In order to succeed,
285
00:12:49,063 --> 00:12:51,671
you both play fast and
loose with the rules.
286
00:12:51,674 --> 00:12:53,780
Yeah, I suppose we do.
287
00:12:53,783 --> 00:12:56,844
When you cheated on the math
test, what was your strategy?
288
00:12:56,846 --> 00:12:59,246
Well, I guess the most important part
289
00:12:59,248 --> 00:13:01,482
was not stepping on
anything wet before the test.
290
00:13:02,185 --> 00:13:03,551
And not getting an "A."
291
00:13:03,553 --> 00:13:05,486
Why wouldn't you want an "A"?
292
00:13:05,488 --> 00:13:07,988
'Cause that would raise suspicions.
293
00:13:07,990 --> 00:13:09,857
Who would believe I got an "A"?
294
00:13:09,859 --> 00:13:11,358
Wow.
295
00:13:11,361 --> 00:13:12,958
Tell me more.
296
00:13:12,961 --> 00:13:15,195
Okay, when you're telling a lie,
297
00:13:15,198 --> 00:13:17,428
it's important to throw in some details.
298
00:13:17,431 --> 00:13:19,800
Like, when I was wanted to
spend the night at Ricky's house,
299
00:13:19,803 --> 00:13:22,436
and Mom asked me if his mom
and dad were gonna be home,
300
00:13:22,438 --> 00:13:23,504
I said, not only
301
00:13:23,506 --> 00:13:25,046
are they be gonna be home,
302
00:13:25,049 --> 00:13:26,339
his dad was gonna teach us
303
00:13:26,342 --> 00:13:28,639
how to cook turkey legs in the smoker.
304
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,695
I like turkey legs. Were they good?
305
00:13:30,698 --> 00:13:32,813
There weren't any turkey legs, you dope.
306
00:13:32,815 --> 00:13:35,082
His parents were in Branson.
307
00:13:35,084 --> 00:13:38,052
That's incredible. I
totally believed you.
308
00:13:38,054 --> 00:13:39,420
Details.
309
00:13:39,422 --> 00:13:42,139
Now get out of here, I
got to finish reading this.
310
00:13:43,493 --> 00:13:46,560
Thank you, Georgie,
that was very helpful.
311
00:13:47,897 --> 00:13:49,063
Did you hear that?
312
00:13:49,065 --> 00:13:50,147
What?
313
00:13:50,150 --> 00:13:52,754
Sounds like Georgie and
Sheldon are getting along.
314
00:13:52,757 --> 00:13:53,868
Really?
315
00:13:53,870 --> 00:13:55,536
That can't be right.
316
00:13:55,538 --> 00:13:56,663
I just heard it.
317
00:13:56,666 --> 00:13:58,939
Maybe there's hope for
those two after all.
318
00:13:58,941 --> 00:14:01,242
Or it's a sign of the apocalypse.
319
00:14:01,244 --> 00:14:03,874
Honey, I'm-I'm watching this.
320
00:14:08,257 --> 00:14:10,084
So you'll have to find someone else
321
00:14:10,086 --> 00:14:12,030
to hold your ankles in P.E. today.
322
00:14:12,033 --> 00:14:13,532
I'm sorry, what?
323
00:14:13,535 --> 00:14:16,469
I've suffered a terrible injury
and won't be able to attend.
324
00:14:16,472 --> 00:14:17,791
What happened?
325
00:14:17,793 --> 00:14:19,499
See for yourself.
326
00:14:21,731 --> 00:14:25,144
"Dear Coach Wilkins, please
excuse my son, Sheldon,
327
00:14:25,147 --> 00:14:26,491
from P.E.
328
00:14:26,494 --> 00:14:28,702
He has experienced a testicular hernia,
329
00:14:28,704 --> 00:14:31,539
and needs to rest for the
next six to eight weeks.
330
00:14:31,541 --> 00:14:33,707
Sincerely, Mary Cooper."
331
00:14:35,545 --> 00:14:36,977
Testicular hernia?
332
00:14:36,979 --> 00:14:38,952
That's called details.
333
00:14:41,117 --> 00:14:42,863
Ooh, that's rough.
334
00:14:42,866 --> 00:14:43,984
Hmm.
335
00:14:43,986 --> 00:14:45,019
How'd it happen?
336
00:14:45,021 --> 00:14:46,387
It's hard to say,
337
00:14:46,389 --> 00:14:49,924
but some risk factors include:
heavy lifting, a chronic cough
338
00:14:49,926 --> 00:14:52,493
and repetitive straining
during bowel movements.
339
00:14:52,495 --> 00:14:54,139
I've been there.
340
00:14:54,142 --> 00:14:55,900
Hmm. All right.
341
00:14:55,903 --> 00:14:59,337
Guess I'll see you
in... six to eight weeks.
342
00:15:05,561 --> 00:15:07,769
I don't know if other supervillains
343
00:15:07,772 --> 00:15:10,824
started their careers
by getting out of P.E.,
344
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,546
but that's where I began.
345
00:15:12,548 --> 00:15:15,182
Emboldened by my faux hernia,
346
00:15:15,184 --> 00:15:17,832
I started taking books
out of the library...
347
00:15:17,835 --> 00:15:20,889
without getting the cards stamped.
348
00:15:20,892 --> 00:15:22,556
You didn't check out those books.
349
00:15:22,558 --> 00:15:23,991
I know.
350
00:15:23,993 --> 00:15:26,126
Before you judge me too harshly,
351
00:15:26,128 --> 00:15:28,195
I always brought them back on time.
352
00:15:28,197 --> 00:15:31,265
I was a rule-breaker, not a lunatic.
353
00:15:31,267 --> 00:15:34,234
But perhaps my most
satisfying transgression
354
00:15:34,236 --> 00:15:36,139
was duping my sister
355
00:15:36,142 --> 00:15:39,277
into relinquishing control of the TV.
356
00:15:40,843 --> 00:15:42,109
Hello.
357
00:15:42,111 --> 00:15:44,111
What's that for?
358
00:15:44,113 --> 00:15:47,915
Oh, this? I was just digging
for money in Meemaw's backyard.
359
00:15:47,917 --> 00:15:49,717
There's money there?
360
00:15:49,719 --> 00:15:52,319
Oh, yes. I already found 75 cents.
361
00:15:52,321 --> 00:15:54,121
Who do you think left it?
362
00:15:54,123 --> 00:15:55,856
If I were to guess,
363
00:15:55,858 --> 00:15:57,958
I'd say pirates with
holes in their pockets.
364
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,327
Can I use your shovel?
365
00:16:00,329 --> 00:16:02,796
Be my guest.
366
00:16:02,798 --> 00:16:05,139
Oh, baby, I'm gonna be rich.
367
00:16:07,703 --> 00:16:11,505
Today, we're going to learn
about Sir Isaac Newton.
368
00:16:11,507 --> 00:16:13,301
Hello, old friend.
369
00:16:13,304 --> 00:16:15,004
One of the world's
greatest scientists...
370
00:16:19,448 --> 00:16:20,547
See you tomorrow, Wayne.
371
00:16:20,549 --> 00:16:22,316
You have a good one, George.
372
00:16:22,318 --> 00:16:24,018
Hey, how's your son doing?
373
00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:25,285
Georgie?
374
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:28,255
No, the smart one.
375
00:16:28,257 --> 00:16:29,890
He's fine. Why?
376
00:16:29,892 --> 00:16:31,659
What about the hernia?
377
00:16:31,661 --> 00:16:32,983
What hernia?
378
00:16:32,986 --> 00:16:35,020
The one your wife said he had.
379
00:16:38,491 --> 00:16:40,367
Happened to me while I was in the Army.
380
00:16:40,369 --> 00:16:44,371
I was in a bar in Georgia,
tried to lift up this big gal.
381
00:16:44,373 --> 00:16:46,741
Swear I could hear
something pop down there.
382
00:16:46,744 --> 00:16:48,273
Sheldon gave you this note?
383
00:16:48,276 --> 00:16:49,509
Yeah.
384
00:16:49,512 --> 00:16:50,911
I didn't write this.
385
00:16:50,913 --> 00:16:52,212
You sure?
386
00:16:52,214 --> 00:16:53,514
Looks like your handwriting.
387
00:16:53,516 --> 00:16:55,005
It's got that little
swoopy thing going on.
388
00:16:55,007 --> 00:16:56,016
I didn't write it.
389
00:16:56,018 --> 00:16:58,699
And I think I'd know
if my son had a hernia.
390
00:16:58,702 --> 00:17:01,847
So what, Sheldon forged a
letter to get out of P.E.?
391
00:17:01,850 --> 00:17:03,457
Looks like it.
392
00:17:03,459 --> 00:17:05,125
How about that.
393
00:17:05,127 --> 00:17:07,639
Don't be proud of him.
394
00:17:07,642 --> 00:17:08,762
Can't help it.
395
00:17:08,764 --> 00:17:10,631
First time he ever seemed like my kid.
396
00:17:10,633 --> 00:17:12,921
Do you have any idea
397
00:17:12,924 --> 00:17:15,569
what's gotten into him?
398
00:17:15,571 --> 00:17:16,937
I might.
399
00:17:16,939 --> 00:17:18,539
Well?
400
00:17:18,541 --> 00:17:21,175
Have you ever heard of...
401
00:17:21,177 --> 00:17:24,645
Mobokachi Kaboom?
402
00:17:24,647 --> 00:17:25,858
Wait.
403
00:17:25,861 --> 00:17:28,314
Koshimaki Magoo.
404
00:17:28,317 --> 00:17:30,538
Wait a minute, I'm gonna get this.
405
00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:35,656
"Dear Professor Proton,
406
00:17:35,658 --> 00:17:37,524
I would very much like to meet you,
407
00:17:37,526 --> 00:17:40,094
and I only have three weeks to live.
408
00:17:40,096 --> 00:17:42,930
Please come visit me
here in Medford, Texas.
409
00:17:42,932 --> 00:17:44,665
Sincerely, Sheldon Cooper.
410
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:46,546
P.S. My Meemaw makes excellent brisket."
411
00:17:46,549 --> 00:17:47,681
Sheldon.
412
00:17:47,684 --> 00:17:49,647
Would you like to explain this note?
413
00:17:51,941 --> 00:17:53,040
Well?
414
00:17:53,042 --> 00:17:55,309
I was trying to be more like Georgie.
415
00:17:55,311 --> 00:17:56,710
That's a dumb idea.
416
00:17:56,712 --> 00:17:59,413
We don't want Georgie
to be like Georgie.
417
00:17:59,415 --> 00:18:03,317
Well, let me start by
saying how very sorry I am.
418
00:18:08,618 --> 00:18:10,463
Despite my explanation
419
00:18:10,466 --> 00:18:13,290
that I was embracing my inner Kirk,
420
00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:16,893
my mother had me make
amends for all my misdeeds.
421
00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,662
Starting in the library,
422
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:22,265
where I had to reshelve
hundreds of books.
423
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,868
Well, to be honest, that one was a hoot.
424
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:29,472
The amends got worse when Coach
Wilkins made me climb the rope.
425
00:18:29,474 --> 00:18:31,708
Lacking any upper body strength,
426
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:35,249
I hung there like a
salami in a deli window.
427
00:18:35,252 --> 00:18:38,982
And finally, I had to
apologize to my meemaw,
428
00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:43,109
who was an unfortunate victim
of my sister's treasure hunt.
429
00:18:44,231 --> 00:18:49,460
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