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00:00:02,250 --> 00:00:04,379
ADULT SHELDON: For most
students, the weekend
2
00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:06,080
represented two days of fun,
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00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,579
freedom, and in the case of my brother,
4
00:00:08,580 --> 00:00:11,450
a chance to ignore all forms of hygiene.
5
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,419
[QUIETLY]: Come on, come on.
6
00:00:16,420 --> 00:00:18,320
ADULT SHELDON: To me,
however, it represented
7
00:00:18,330 --> 00:00:20,450
an unwelcome break from education.
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00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:23,059
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
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00:00:23,060 --> 00:00:24,229
[EXCITED CHATTER]
10
00:00:24,230 --> 00:00:26,669
Whoo! Thank the Lord!
11
00:00:26,670 --> 00:00:29,099
ADULT SHELDON: But this
wasn't a typical weekend,
12
00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:31,099
because this was the weekend
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00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:33,200
I got to do my parents' taxes.
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00:00:33,210 --> 00:00:36,660
Howdy do, W-2.
15
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:39,540
♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪
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♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
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♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
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00:00:45,190 --> 00:00:48,150
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
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- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --
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"If you were not covered
by a retirement plan,
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00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:04,739
but your spouse was, see
the worksheet on page 14."
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00:01:04,740 --> 00:01:07,469
Try and stop me.
23
00:01:07,470 --> 00:01:09,570
Mom, I was going
through our expenditures
24
00:01:09,580 --> 00:01:12,079
and noticed our grocery
bills are up 12% compared
25
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,109
to last quarter. Any idea why?
26
00:01:14,110 --> 00:01:17,479
There's a person at the end of
the table that eats for free.
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00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,680
There's a person at the
other end of the table
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00:01:19,690 --> 00:01:21,219
that eats for three.
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00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:22,630
[LAUGHS]
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00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,940
I've been buying groceries
for the church food drive.
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00:01:24,950 --> 00:01:26,159
I think that's it.
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00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,159
Ooh, I bet I could write that off,
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00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:31,099
including the gas it took
to drive to the grocery store
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00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:32,529
and then to the church.
35
00:01:32,530 --> 00:01:34,020
With all that driving,
maybe she can count
36
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,319
her car as a home office.
37
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,240
Sounds aggressive, but I
like how you're thinking.
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00:01:38,260 --> 00:01:41,159
None of that is necessary,
it's for charity.
39
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,829
What's the point of charity
if there are no tax benefits?
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00:01:43,830 --> 00:01:45,429
Eat your peas.
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00:01:45,430 --> 00:01:46,699
I like how he's thinking.
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00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:48,430
You eat your peas, too.
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00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:49,730
[LAUGHS]
44
00:01:52,940 --> 00:01:54,469
Dad, banking question.
45
00:01:54,470 --> 00:01:55,570
What's that, buddy?
46
00:01:55,580 --> 00:01:57,200
I noticed there's a check missing.
47
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,999
I have a copy of check 128
48
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,320
and a copy of check
130, but 129 isn't there.
49
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:04,820
Oh, yeah, don't worry about it.
50
00:02:04,830 --> 00:02:07,559
But I enjoy worrying;
I find it very relaxing.
51
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,079
'Course you do.
52
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,539
I balanced the rest of the account,
53
00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:13,189
and it appears to be a check for $300.
54
00:02:13,190 --> 00:02:15,620
All right, well, let's just put it down
55
00:02:15,630 --> 00:02:17,959
for $300 for miscellaneous.
56
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,099
I've never labeled anything
miscellaneous in my life.
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00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:22,330
I'll go ask Mom.
58
00:02:22,340 --> 00:02:23,939
Wait. [CHUCKLES]
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00:02:23,940 --> 00:02:27,409
I just remembered.
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00:02:27,410 --> 00:02:30,219
I gave the money to a friend.
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00:02:30,220 --> 00:02:32,249
- Who?
- It doesn't matter who.
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00:02:32,250 --> 00:02:33,519
Why'd you give it to them?
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00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:36,189
They needed it. It... it's like charity.
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00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,689
Ooh, another write-off, excellent.
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00:02:38,690 --> 00:02:40,790
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
66
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,829
What do you say we keep this quiet?
67
00:02:45,830 --> 00:02:47,669
You mean like a secret?
68
00:02:47,670 --> 00:02:50,599
No, no, just, you know,
something between you and me.
69
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:51,700
What about Mom?
70
00:02:51,710 --> 00:02:53,609
Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
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00:02:53,610 --> 00:02:54,770
What if Mom needs to know?
72
00:02:54,780 --> 00:02:56,739
Okay, it's a secret.
73
00:02:56,740 --> 00:02:58,160
Just trust me.
74
00:02:58,170 --> 00:03:00,809
It is better for everyone if
she doesn't know about this.
75
00:03:00,810 --> 00:03:02,710
But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
76
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,819
It's not hard. Just
keep your mouth shut.
77
00:03:04,820 --> 00:03:06,549
But I'm not good at
keeping my mouth shut.
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00:03:06,550 --> 00:03:10,590
Sheldon, all you got to do is be cool.
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00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:14,269
ADULT SHELDON: "Be cool."
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00:03:14,270 --> 00:03:17,460
He might as well have asked
me to fly around the backyard.
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00:03:19,570 --> 00:03:21,479
- Good night, baby.
- Night, Mama.
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00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,040
- Love you.
- Love you, too.
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00:03:25,570 --> 00:03:27,569
Oh, hello.
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00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:31,139
I was just brushing my
teeth like I do every night.
85
00:03:31,140 --> 00:03:33,109
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Nothing new there.
86
00:03:33,110 --> 00:03:34,449
You all right?
87
00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:36,379
Yes. I'm cool.
88
00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:38,180
I'm very cool.
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00:03:38,190 --> 00:03:39,819
Tell Sheldon what cool means.
90
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,589
Hush.
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00:03:41,590 --> 00:03:43,150
Sweet dreams.
92
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,109
Love you.
93
00:03:45,110 --> 00:03:47,749
Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom.
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00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:49,310
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
95
00:03:55,770 --> 00:03:57,239
You're so weird.
96
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,269
More than usual?
97
00:03:59,270 --> 00:04:02,270
No, I guess not.
98
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,780
Perfect.
99
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,979
ADULT SHELDON: To avoid
looking suspicious,
100
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:10,619
I tried to interact with my
mom as little as possible.
101
00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:13,789
Thankfully, it's rude to
speak with your mouth full.
102
00:04:13,790 --> 00:04:16,119
You look tired, baby. Sleep okay?
103
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,560
Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,790
So how big a tax refund
you think we're gonna get?
105
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,899
Mm.
106
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:27,169
- Mornin'.
- Mornin'.
107
00:04:27,170 --> 00:04:28,899
I slept in the nude last night.
108
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Felt every little breeze.
109
00:04:30,940 --> 00:04:33,269
Thank you for sharing that.
110
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You're welcome.
111
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,120
Fight, you cowards, fight!
112
00:04:38,130 --> 00:04:40,940
You fight, Skeletor.
113
00:04:40,950 --> 00:04:44,279
Mare, we got any batteries?!
114
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:48,050
MARY: Look in the drawer
by the refrigerator.
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00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:50,619
ADULT SHELDON: There was only
so much food I could eat,
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00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:53,630
so I started avoiding my
mother whenever possible.
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[GASPS]
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[WHISPERING] What are
you doing in there?
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00:04:58,470 --> 00:05:00,199
[WHISPERING]: Keeping your secret.
120
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,700
You got to pull it together.
121
00:05:01,710 --> 00:05:03,729
This is me pulling it together.
122
00:05:03,730 --> 00:05:05,669
- Pull harder.
- MARY: Find 'em?
123
00:05:05,670 --> 00:05:08,329
Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Got 'em. Thanks.
124
00:05:08,330 --> 00:05:10,749
You're very welcome.
Hey, have you noticed
125
00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:12,309
anything off with Sheldon?
126
00:05:12,310 --> 00:05:15,649
Uh, no, no, no. Can't
say that I have. Why?
127
00:05:15,650 --> 00:05:18,849
He's been awful quiet, and, at
the risk of being indelicate,
128
00:05:18,850 --> 00:05:22,250
he's gone several days
without a bowel movement.
129
00:05:22,260 --> 00:05:23,689
How do you know that?
130
00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,239
Well, I was worried about him,
131
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,219
so I took a look in his potty journal.
132
00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:28,690
He's still keeping that thing, huh?
133
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:31,300
Oh, yeah, that's why he
wanted the Polaroid camera.
134
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,919
Uh, well, I'm sure he's gonna be fine,
135
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,099
uh, but I'll keep an eye on him.
136
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:38,710
- Thank you.
- You got it.
137
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,679
- [WHISPERING]: She's gone.
- SHELDON: Thank you.
138
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,280
Batteries are in this drawer.
139
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,150
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
140
00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:57,690
We got a problem.
141
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,959
I don't know how much
longer Sheldon can hold out.
142
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,399
This is why I did not
want you to write a check.
143
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:06,799
Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't have
144
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,269
that kind of cash lying around.
145
00:06:08,270 --> 00:06:10,569
I do not want Mary to
find out about this.
146
00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:11,939
Well, what about Sheldon?
147
00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:14,709
The kid hasn't pooped
in days, he might pop.
148
00:06:14,710 --> 00:06:17,439
Slip a little Metamucil into
his apple juice, he'll be fine.
149
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,240
Why don't we just come clean?
150
00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:23,680
All right, sure, we could do that.
151
00:06:24,580 --> 00:06:27,389
You could rat me out to Mary and...
152
00:06:27,390 --> 00:06:30,619
I could tell her what you
did at the church picnic.
153
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:32,359
Come on.
154
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,889
Now you're just playing dirty.
155
00:06:33,890 --> 00:06:36,390
We sink or swim together, George.
156
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,890
We sink or swim together.
157
00:06:45,210 --> 00:06:47,309
Grandmas are supposed to be nice.
158
00:06:47,310 --> 00:06:49,050
What went wrong with you?
159
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,599
ADULT SHELDON: Avoiding
my mother in our own house
160
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,139
was proving to be difficult,
161
00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:58,690
so it was time to get creative.
162
00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:02,009
Hello. I'd like to book
a room in your hotel.
163
00:07:02,010 --> 00:07:04,579
I'd be arriving tonight.
164
00:07:04,580 --> 00:07:08,610
No, it's just me.
165
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,639
Ooh, a queen bed, that sounds fancy.
166
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:15,550
And how much would this room cost?
167
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,820
Wow. Is that per month?
168
00:07:18,830 --> 00:07:21,659
Per day?
169
00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:24,500
By any chance, do you
have a children's rate?
170
00:07:25,830 --> 00:07:28,599
We've been friends for
a while now, haven't we?
171
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,669
I suppose so.
172
00:07:30,670 --> 00:07:33,300
Given that, how would you
feel about a sleepover?
173
00:07:33,310 --> 00:07:35,439
Sure. Your mom lets you watch TV.
174
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,209
Jake and the Fatman is on tonight.
175
00:07:37,210 --> 00:07:39,679
I meant we could sleep at your house.
176
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,479
But you'll miss Jake and the Fatman.
177
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,780
Even better. So what do you say?
178
00:07:44,850 --> 00:07:46,419
I'll have to ask my mom.
179
00:07:46,420 --> 00:07:49,240
Well, be sure to tell her
I'm clean, I'm well-behaved,
180
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:50,529
and if you don't have a lot of room,
181
00:07:50,530 --> 00:07:52,770
I can fit in really tight spaces.
182
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,060
So your first sleepover.
183
00:07:59,070 --> 00:08:00,529
Pretty exciting, huh?
184
00:08:00,530 --> 00:08:03,499
No. It's not exciting,
it's constipating,
185
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,639
and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.
186
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,189
But still, it's your first sleepover.
187
00:08:08,190 --> 00:08:09,830
It's fun stuff.
188
00:08:11,550 --> 00:08:13,589
Okay, I know you're having
a tough time with this,
189
00:08:13,590 --> 00:08:16,170
but... you're doing great.
190
00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:18,540
You spend some time at Tam's house,
191
00:08:18,550 --> 00:08:21,759
you know, clear your head,
and come back home refreshed.
192
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,259
And then I can tell Mom?
193
00:08:23,260 --> 00:08:24,859
Oh, no, you can never tell Mom.
194
00:08:24,860 --> 00:08:27,829
Wouldn't it be easier to just be honest?
195
00:08:27,830 --> 00:08:30,549
Usually, it would be, but...
196
00:08:30,550 --> 00:08:33,899
sometimes the truth can hurt people.
197
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:35,930
We wouldn't want to hurt Mom, right?
198
00:08:35,940 --> 00:08:36,999
Of course not.
199
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,539
Attaboy.
200
00:08:38,540 --> 00:08:40,470
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
201
00:08:42,290 --> 00:08:45,229
Hey, here's a funny
prank you can try tonight.
202
00:08:45,230 --> 00:08:47,899
When Tam falls asleep, put
some shaving cream in his hand
203
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:49,429
and then tickle his nose.
204
00:08:49,430 --> 00:08:50,430
Why?
205
00:08:50,431 --> 00:08:52,330
'Cause then he'll go to,
206
00:08:52,390 --> 00:08:53,849
you know, scratch his nose,
207
00:08:53,850 --> 00:08:55,850
and he gets shaving cream on his face.
208
00:08:55,860 --> 00:08:57,389
And then what?
209
00:08:57,390 --> 00:09:00,929
Well... that-that's it.
210
00:09:00,930 --> 00:09:02,559
But I'm a guest in their home,
211
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,259
and that doesn't seem
like a very good way
212
00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:05,799
to repay their kindness.
213
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,809
Never mind.
214
00:09:07,810 --> 00:09:09,849
And what if the shaving
cream gets in his eyes?
215
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:11,009
That would sting.
216
00:09:11,010 --> 00:09:12,379
Sorry I mentioned it.
217
00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:14,110
Also, I didn't bring
my own shaving cream.
218
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,120
I'd have to use his dad's, and that...
219
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:16,890
Forget it! [CLEARS THROAT]
220
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,810
[DOORBELL RINGS]
221
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,299
Hello.
222
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,439
Hi. You must be Mrs....
223
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,739
Tam's mom.
224
00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:29,839
I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper.
225
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:30,849
Nice to meet you.
226
00:09:30,850 --> 00:09:32,399
Thanks for letting him spend the night.
227
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,379
It's his first sleepover. He's excited.
228
00:09:34,380 --> 00:09:36,279
Actually, I'm quite apprehens...
229
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,949
He's really looking forward to it.
230
00:09:37,950 --> 00:09:39,379
Uh, in case something
231
00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:41,249
comes up, just give us a holler.
232
00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:43,519
I mean, a call. If you
hollered, we wouldn't hear you.
233
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:44,690
[CHUCKLES]
234
00:09:45,690 --> 00:09:47,559
That-that was a joke.
235
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:49,289
[FORCED]: Ha-ha-ha!
236
00:09:49,290 --> 00:09:51,230
Okay, buddy, have fun.
237
00:09:53,330 --> 00:09:55,369
ADULT SHELDON: Visiting Tam's house
238
00:09:55,370 --> 00:09:58,549
for the first time was an
emotional roller coaster.
239
00:09:58,550 --> 00:10:01,499
For example, it's traditional
in Vietnamese homes
240
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:04,399
to have gruesome religious
iconography near the entrance.
241
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,450
I did not like that.
242
00:10:06,460 --> 00:10:08,610
However, it's also customary
243
00:10:08,620 --> 00:10:10,199
to not wear shoes around the house
244
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,229
for sanitary reasons.
245
00:10:12,230 --> 00:10:14,129
I did like that.
246
00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:15,420
Interestingly,
247
00:10:15,430 --> 00:10:18,269
one of the main ingredients
in Vietnamese cooking
248
00:10:18,270 --> 00:10:21,870
is an extremely pungent
condiment known as fish sauce.
249
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,879
I did not like that.
250
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,779
But before every meal,
251
00:10:25,780 --> 00:10:29,349
it's common for everyone to
wash their hands and face.
252
00:10:29,350 --> 00:10:31,019
I did like that.
253
00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:34,650
Forks are not customary
in a Vietnamese household.
254
00:10:34,660 --> 00:10:35,690
[GIGGLES]
255
00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:38,749
I did not like that.
256
00:10:38,750 --> 00:10:42,029
And instead of napkins,
there was one towel
257
00:10:42,030 --> 00:10:43,600
for everyone to share at the table.
258
00:10:45,070 --> 00:10:47,969
Seriously, what are they thinking?
259
00:10:47,970 --> 00:10:50,639
I can't help thinking how odd it is
260
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,290
that Shelly volunteered
to go on a sleepover.
261
00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:54,509
Oh, I don't know.
262
00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:56,409
Hmm? He's growing up.
263
00:10:56,410 --> 00:10:58,879
It's natural for a young boy
to want to spread his wings
264
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,679
a little bit, try something new.
265
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,049
That's nonsense.
266
00:11:02,050 --> 00:11:03,419
Last week, I brought home
267
00:11:03,420 --> 00:11:05,249
the Raisin Bran with
the sugar on the raisins.
268
00:11:05,250 --> 00:11:07,439
He almost lost his mind.
269
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:08,979
If you ask me,
270
00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:10,589
you're worried about nothing.
271
00:11:10,590 --> 00:11:12,720
[SIGHS] Maybe it's me.
272
00:11:12,730 --> 00:11:15,319
Maybe I did something to upset him.
273
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,059
What are you talking about?
274
00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:18,070
He loves you
275
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,340
like crazy.
276
00:11:19,350 --> 00:11:21,199
Much more than he loves this one.
277
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:22,369
It's true.
278
00:11:22,370 --> 00:11:23,569
I don't know.
279
00:11:23,570 --> 00:11:25,929
I just feel like something isn't right.
280
00:11:25,930 --> 00:11:27,630
MISSY: Mom!
281
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,779
I got my hair stuck in my zipper!
282
00:11:29,780 --> 00:11:31,980
That's the kid you need
to be worried about.
283
00:11:35,180 --> 00:11:37,349
[QUIETLY]: Okay, Connie,
why don't we just come clean?
284
00:11:37,350 --> 00:11:39,449
- No.
- [SCOFFS] You heard her.
285
00:11:39,450 --> 00:11:41,319
Now she's blaming herself.
286
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,789
And Sheldon's so upset
287
00:11:42,790 --> 00:11:45,120
he's-he's acting like a regular kid.
288
00:11:45,130 --> 00:11:47,139
- All right, let's tell her.
- Thank you.
289
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,459
But first I'm gonna tell her
what you did at the picnic.
290
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,390
- Oh, Mary!
- Okay, okay, shh.
291
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,569
[SIGHS]
292
00:11:55,570 --> 00:11:58,139
I don't know how much longer
we can keep this going.
293
00:11:58,140 --> 00:12:00,010
I'm willing to find out.
294
00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:10,419
So, this game is called
Mystic Warlords of Ka'a.
295
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:11,589
It's pretty fun.
296
00:12:11,590 --> 00:12:13,600
There are six kinds
of secret warlords...
297
00:12:13,610 --> 00:12:16,929
- Secret warlords.
- GEORGE SR.: It's a secret. Secret.
298
00:12:16,930 --> 00:12:18,130
It's a secret.
299
00:12:18,140 --> 00:12:20,059
Have you noticed
anything off with Sheldon?
300
00:12:20,060 --> 00:12:21,300
Something between me and you.
301
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,199
Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
302
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,929
I took a little look
in his potty journal.
303
00:12:24,930 --> 00:12:27,409
- It's a secret.
- Several days without a bowel movement.
304
00:12:27,410 --> 00:12:29,069
- TAM: Sheldon.
- Secret. Secret.
305
00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:30,140
- A secret.
- TAM: Sheldon.
306
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:32,500
Did you hear anything I said?
307
00:12:32,510 --> 00:12:36,710
Sorry, I was reliving
a traumatic experience.
308
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:37,810
What do you mean?
309
00:12:40,580 --> 00:12:43,249
Tam, I have a secret
that's weighing on me,
310
00:12:43,250 --> 00:12:44,949
and I need to tell someone.
311
00:12:44,950 --> 00:12:46,280
Okay. Tell me.
312
00:12:46,290 --> 00:12:48,250
But I promised I wouldn't.
313
00:12:48,260 --> 00:12:50,159
Okay. Then don't.
314
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,159
But it's driving me crazy.
315
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,469
Too bad you're not Catholic.
316
00:12:53,470 --> 00:12:55,069
You could confess it to a priest.
317
00:12:55,070 --> 00:12:57,299
That's a great idea.
318
00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:59,699
You're Catholic. I'll confess it to you.
319
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:00,999
I'm not a priest.
320
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,099
I'm not a Catholic.
321
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:03,799
It makes perfect sense.
322
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,809
Okay, whenever you're ready.
323
00:13:06,810 --> 00:13:09,270
What are you doing?
324
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,479
I'm assuming the position.
325
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,079
Okay.
326
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,869
Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned.
327
00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:17,819
This is my first confession.
328
00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:20,119
I forgive you, my son.
329
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:24,689
I was doing my parents' taxes
and noticed a check was missing.
330
00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:26,359
- I asked my father about it...
- ADULT SHELDON: As I walked Tam
331
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,159
through the whole sordid affair,
332
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,899
I could feel a weight
lifting off my shoulders.
333
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:33,700
It was a relief to
finally unburden myself
334
00:13:33,710 --> 00:13:35,169
of this deception.
335
00:13:35,170 --> 00:13:36,839
By the time I reached the end,
336
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,100
I felt like a new person.
337
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:41,139
That's the whole story.
338
00:13:41,140 --> 00:13:43,470
Cool. Can we play now?
339
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,660
And now that my conscience
had been cleared,
340
00:13:45,670 --> 00:13:48,249
my colon was ready to do the same.
341
00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:51,020
Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom!
342
00:13:52,690 --> 00:13:54,300
[DOOR CREAKS CLOSED]
343
00:13:58,270 --> 00:14:01,039
Thank you for letting
me sleep in your bed.
344
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,459
My father taught me that we
must always honor our guests
345
00:14:04,460 --> 00:14:06,409
and treat them with the utmost courtesy.
346
00:14:06,410 --> 00:14:09,350
The Vietnamese are a
very welcoming people.
347
00:14:09,450 --> 00:14:12,420
Yeah, that hasn't
always worked out for us.
348
00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:17,089
[GRUNTS]
349
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,720
Do you think your dad would ever ask you
350
00:14:19,730 --> 00:14:21,760
to keep a secret from your mom?
351
00:14:21,770 --> 00:14:22,790
Oh, no.
352
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,159
He's so honest, it's annoying.
353
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,859
Enough talking.
354
00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:28,800
Sleep now.
355
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,669
She's just annoying.
356
00:14:32,670 --> 00:14:34,610
♪ ♪
357
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,930
Well, you did it.
358
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:43,729
[GRUNTS]
359
00:14:43,730 --> 00:14:45,830
How was your first sleepover?
360
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,439
They feed you any weird food?
361
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,309
When I was in 'Nam, we ate
fish soup for breakfast.
362
00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:54,339
[CHUCKLES]
363
00:14:54,340 --> 00:14:56,479
Sheldon, I'm talking to you.
364
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,949
Well, I'm not talking to you.
365
00:14:58,950 --> 00:15:00,810
Okay, what's going on?
366
00:15:00,820 --> 00:15:03,280
After having my first good
night's sleep in a week,
367
00:15:03,290 --> 00:15:05,319
I woke up with a fresh perspective.
368
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,589
And that is...?
369
00:15:06,590 --> 00:15:08,789
It was irresponsible of you
370
00:15:08,790 --> 00:15:10,559
to burden me with that secret.
371
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:13,329
Sheldon, we've been
through this. [STAMMERS]
372
00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:14,859
It's complicated.
373
00:15:14,860 --> 00:15:18,290
While I may not look up to you
from an intellectual standpoint,
374
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,500
I've always looked up
to you as a role model.
375
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:25,840
I can't do that anymore.
376
00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:31,449
And don't worry... We made a deal.
377
00:15:31,450 --> 00:15:34,030
I'll continue to keep your secret.
378
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,620
♪ ♪
379
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,619
[ENGINE STARTS]
380
00:15:41,620 --> 00:15:43,720
[BIRDS SINGING]
381
00:15:45,390 --> 00:15:46,690
Hey.
382
00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:47,719
What's up?
383
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,160
Um, I need to tell you something.
384
00:15:50,170 --> 00:15:51,369
What did you do?
385
00:15:51,370 --> 00:15:54,290
[SIGHS] When Sheldon
was doing our taxes,
386
00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:55,969
he noticed a missing check.
387
00:15:55,970 --> 00:15:57,039
What did you do?
388
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,000
Before I answer, do you trust me enough
389
00:15:59,010 --> 00:16:00,870
to understand it was for a good reason
390
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,380
and j-just leave it at that?
391
00:16:05,470 --> 00:16:06,869
[GULPS]
392
00:16:06,870 --> 00:16:08,769
What did you do?
393
00:16:08,770 --> 00:16:10,780
It's all your mother's
fault. She is a bad person.
394
00:16:10,790 --> 00:16:12,650
I've been telling you for years.
395
00:16:12,660 --> 00:16:14,289
What did you do?
396
00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:16,100
Okay, now, before I answer that...
397
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,859
Just tell me what you did.
398
00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:19,229
I got a DWI.
399
00:16:19,230 --> 00:16:20,889
Mom!
400
00:16:20,890 --> 00:16:22,520
It's not as bad as it sounds.
401
00:16:22,530 --> 00:16:24,929
How is driving drunk not bad?
402
00:16:24,930 --> 00:16:26,530
I wasn't exactly driving.
403
00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:28,869
I don't follow.
404
00:16:28,870 --> 00:16:31,139
I was at the dog track with Georgie,
405
00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:32,569
and I had a few...
406
00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:34,070
Georgie?
407
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,479
With God as my witness,
408
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,979
I've never been to the
dog track in my life.
409
00:16:37,980 --> 00:16:39,979
[QUIETLY]: She knows.
410
00:16:39,980 --> 00:16:41,519
Oh, I've been there a bunch.
411
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,849
Will someone please
tell me what happened?
412
00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:47,259
Okay, me and Meemaw were
in the bar at the track...
413
00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:49,189
You took him to a bar?
414
00:16:49,190 --> 00:16:50,359
He wasn't drinking.
415
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,569
She had a few too many margaritas,
416
00:16:52,570 --> 00:16:53,829
so I drove us home.
417
00:16:53,830 --> 00:16:55,559
But you don't have a license.
418
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,309
That's why we swapped places
after the cop pulled us over.
419
00:16:58,310 --> 00:16:59,679
Oh, dear Lord.
420
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,130
I had nothing to do with this part.
421
00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:03,039
- Shut up.
- Will do.
422
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,439
MEEMAW: I didn't want Georgie
423
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:05,609
to get into trouble,
424
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:07,160
so I got behind the wheel
425
00:17:07,170 --> 00:17:08,989
before the cop walked up.
426
00:17:08,990 --> 00:17:11,649
And then I got arrested, and, uh,
427
00:17:11,650 --> 00:17:13,289
he bailed me out.
428
00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:15,689
So you all thought you
should keep this from me?
429
00:17:15,690 --> 00:17:17,249
- Absolutely.
- 100%.
430
00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:19,389
Okay, here's what's gonna happen: you
431
00:17:19,390 --> 00:17:21,050
and you are staying at her house
432
00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:22,800
until I say otherwise.
433
00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:25,129
One could argue I was
the hero in this story.
434
00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:28,129
You went gambling and you
drove without a license
435
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:29,649
and you lied to my face.
436
00:17:29,650 --> 00:17:31,019
Heroically.
437
00:17:31,020 --> 00:17:32,620
Go.
438
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,090
I love everything about this.
439
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:45,769
I'm guessing you're mad at me.
440
00:17:45,770 --> 00:17:47,230
Aw, forget about it.
441
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,039
I appreciate you not...
442
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,539
ratting me out about the picnic.
443
00:17:51,540 --> 00:17:54,470
Well, we had a deal.
444
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:58,079
Besides, your marriage is
already hanging by a thread.
445
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,679
It is dangling there.
446
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:03,019
All right, well, I'm gonna turn in.
447
00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:04,550
Mmm.
448
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:05,870
Good night.
449
00:18:06,970 --> 00:18:08,720
Night!
450
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,920
[PHONE RINGS]
451
00:18:14,970 --> 00:18:16,059
Hello?
452
00:18:16,060 --> 00:18:17,660
MEEMAW: So, get a load of this.
453
00:18:17,670 --> 00:18:19,999
Last church picnic, your husband
454
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,940
snuck in a six-pack,
455
00:18:21,950 --> 00:18:23,400
polished off the whole thing,
456
00:18:23,410 --> 00:18:25,469
then went to wait in
line for the bathroom...
457
00:18:25,470 --> 00:18:27,009
Hey.
458
00:18:27,010 --> 00:18:28,709
You got an extra toothbrush?
459
00:18:28,710 --> 00:18:30,079
Under the sink, darlin'.
460
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,249
Thanks.
461
00:18:31,250 --> 00:18:33,810
You got it.
462
00:18:33,820 --> 00:18:38,239
So then the big gorilla decides
he doesn't want to wait in line,
463
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,220
so he stumbles over to
the church vegetable garden
464
00:18:41,230 --> 00:18:45,589
and proceeds to irrigate
the whole damn thing.
465
00:18:45,590 --> 00:18:48,059
I've eaten those vegetables.
466
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:50,740
Sweet dreams. [LAUGHS]
467
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,910
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