1 00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:05,279 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,575 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:12,369 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,370 --> 00:00:15,247 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,248 --> 00:00:18,626 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,627 --> 00:00:22,046 Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:22,047 --> 00:00:23,464 All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,465 --> 00:00:25,090 Laugh and cry 9 00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:31,472 He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! 10 00:00:31,473 --> 00:00:34,309 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:39,397 --> 00:00:41,942 Fake news. 12 00:01:06,091 --> 00:01:08,467 Here you go, guys. A little hot coffee. 13 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:09,969 Where'd we even go last night? 14 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,595 I have no idea. 15 00:01:11,596 --> 00:01:13,597 - Cup of coffee, Joe? - Yeah. Thanks. 16 00:01:14,849 --> 00:01:17,184 I remember we got really excited about something. 17 00:01:17,185 --> 00:01:19,770 That's right, that's right, we had that million-dollar business idea. 18 00:01:19,771 --> 00:01:22,022 - Does anyone remember it? - More coffee, Joe? 19 00:01:22,023 --> 00:01:23,899 Sure, I'll take another cup. 20 00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:26,110 Didn't anyone write it down? 21 00:01:26,111 --> 00:01:28,571 Wait a minute, maybe it's in my pocket. 22 00:01:30,115 --> 00:01:32,658 Peter, are you just rubbing pocket cloth over your wang? 23 00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:35,953 I'm actually popping a leg pimple, mister smarty pants. 24 00:01:35,954 --> 00:01:38,497 Damn it, I'm sick of us always forgetting our great ideas 25 00:01:38,498 --> 00:01:39,540 when we're drinking. 26 00:01:39,541 --> 00:01:41,458 Well, down at work, we wear body cams. 27 00:01:41,459 --> 00:01:43,502 We could just do that when we're drinking. 28 00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:45,421 That's a great idea, Joe. 29 00:01:45,422 --> 00:01:47,840 Thanks. Now maybe you'll take down those three billboards 30 00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:49,509 you put up about me. 31 00:01:57,559 --> 00:01:59,435 That's not true. 32 00:02:07,652 --> 00:02:09,403 Wow, Joe, these are pretty cool. 33 00:02:09,404 --> 00:02:12,031 Yeah, they're not as heavy as I thought they'd be. 34 00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:14,616 And we can live stream the footage on my iPad. 35 00:02:14,617 --> 00:02:16,160 How do we talk when they're on? 36 00:02:16,161 --> 00:02:17,286 Like, different? 37 00:02:17,287 --> 00:02:19,955 No, Peter. Use your normal speaking voice. 38 00:02:19,956 --> 00:02:21,665 - All right, let's hit it. - Hang on, guys. 39 00:02:21,666 --> 00:02:24,294 I'm just gonna say goodbye to Lois. 40 00:02:26,671 --> 00:02:28,338 Where the hell do you think you're going? 41 00:02:28,339 --> 00:02:30,424 I told you, I'm going to the Clam with the guys. 42 00:02:30,425 --> 00:02:32,092 Oh, surprise, surprise. 43 00:02:32,093 --> 00:02:33,761 Another night out with the losers. 44 00:02:33,762 --> 00:02:36,889 Losers?! Name five things wrong with each of them. 45 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:38,516 With pleasure. 46 00:02:40,143 --> 00:02:42,936 Lois sends her love. Come on, let's go. 47 00:02:42,937 --> 00:02:45,355 What does she mean, "Can't eat an ear of corn"? 48 00:02:45,356 --> 00:02:48,150 I can't help it if my adult teeth never came in. 49 00:02:48,151 --> 00:02:50,360 She says I call Steinfeld Steinfeld? 50 00:02:50,361 --> 00:02:52,863 Of course I do, that's his name. Jerry Steinfeld. 51 00:02:52,864 --> 00:02:56,075 Pardon me, to quote his famous bit. 52 00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:58,202 She says I say erverybody weird? 53 00:02:58,203 --> 00:03:01,455 I say erverybody just like erverybody else does. 54 00:03:01,456 --> 00:03:03,207 You do say that weird. 55 00:03:10,465 --> 00:03:13,342 This Sunday, we turn the Quahog Convention Center 56 00:03:13,343 --> 00:03:15,094 into a mud pit 57 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:17,763 for the 28th annual Quahog Monster Truck Rally 58 00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,389 and gun show. 59 00:03:19,390 --> 00:03:22,309 See giant monster trucks. Shoot at monster trucks! 60 00:03:22,310 --> 00:03:24,812 And best of all, you can smoke inside. 61 00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:27,356 See the Ghost Rider while smoking inside. 62 00:03:27,357 --> 00:03:30,234 Fire an AR15 while smoking inside. 63 00:03:30,235 --> 00:03:32,986 Or just stand around and smoke inside. 64 00:03:32,987 --> 00:03:34,363 Seriously, we're cool with it. 65 00:03:34,364 --> 00:03:36,990 Throw your butts on the ground. We don't care. 66 00:03:36,991 --> 00:03:39,243 Watch real loud trucks and smell the smoke 67 00:03:39,244 --> 00:03:41,578 that reminds you of your dead alcoholic stepdad 68 00:03:41,579 --> 00:03:44,123 who you're glad is dead but still miss anyway. 69 00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:45,749 Rest in peace, Gene. 70 00:03:45,750 --> 00:03:47,751 Forget which beer can is your ashtray. 71 00:03:47,752 --> 00:03:51,171 And whenever you feel like it, shout racial stuff. 72 00:03:51,172 --> 00:03:53,715 You will not be the fattest person there, 73 00:03:53,716 --> 00:03:56,368 and if you are, get that shirt off! 74 00:03:56,369 --> 00:03:58,637 Come get your picture taken with Tila Tequila, 75 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:00,430 and smoke a cigarette with her. 76 00:04:00,431 --> 00:04:03,600 Spray soda on somebody. Punch a baby. 77 00:04:03,601 --> 00:04:06,436 Smoke inside. Loud trucks, guns. 78 00:04:06,437 --> 00:04:08,522 It's all happening at the Quahog Convention Center, 79 00:04:08,523 --> 00:04:12,067 so hold in all your farts till this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! 80 00:04:12,068 --> 00:04:13,193 Farts. 81 00:04:13,194 --> 00:04:14,903 All right, here we go. 82 00:04:14,904 --> 00:04:16,822 Million-dollar business ideas. 83 00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:19,825 Open forum, no self-editing. Wide-open slate. 84 00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,451 No such thing as a bad idea. 85 00:04:21,452 --> 00:04:23,203 - Beer in a bag. - Bad idea. 86 00:04:23,204 --> 00:04:25,289 Oh, oh, I got one. Big Tic Tac, 87 00:04:25,290 --> 00:04:27,583 so you don't have to eat so many little Tic Tacs. 88 00:04:27,584 --> 00:04:28,917 Nice, Glenn, you're on the board. 89 00:04:28,918 --> 00:04:30,794 All right, any ideas. No bad ideas. 90 00:04:30,795 --> 00:04:32,462 - Soup in a sleeve. - Bad idea. 91 00:04:32,463 --> 00:04:34,298 All right, Peter, you're so great, 92 00:04:34,299 --> 00:04:36,008 why don't you give us an idea? 93 00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:38,218 Okay, you know how they put ice in urinals? 94 00:04:38,219 --> 00:04:40,554 Well, what happens to that ice at the end of the day? 95 00:04:40,555 --> 00:04:42,890 It's wasted. We collect urinal ice 96 00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,474 and sell it to local bars. 97 00:04:44,475 --> 00:04:45,809 Peter, that'll never work. 98 00:04:45,810 --> 00:04:47,811 Oh, no? 99 00:04:47,812 --> 00:04:51,858 Is that the tinkling of ice I hear? 100 00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:58,113 All right, let's check out what we did last night. 101 00:04:58,114 --> 00:05:00,199 God, that's so shaky. 102 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,533 It's hard to watch. 103 00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:03,118 What is that one? 104 00:05:03,119 --> 00:05:06,622 That's mine. I'm basically a human Steadicam. 105 00:05:06,623 --> 00:05:09,458 - It's beautiful. - So smooth. 106 00:05:09,459 --> 00:05:10,959 Lot of guy butts. 107 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,337 Yeah, my sight line's a little lower than most. 108 00:05:13,338 --> 00:05:14,671 Look at a girl butt once. 109 00:05:14,672 --> 00:05:16,548 What the hell were we doing here? 110 00:05:16,549 --> 00:05:19,218 Oh, this must have been when we were jumping around 111 00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,762 to "Jump Around," like the song asked us to. 112 00:05:21,763 --> 00:05:23,513 Oh, yeah, I was so into this song. 113 00:05:23,514 --> 00:05:25,891 Look at my footage. I was going bananas. 114 00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,727 All right, let's fast-forward a little here. 115 00:05:31,189 --> 00:05:34,024 Just looks like we're drinking at a random bar. 116 00:05:34,025 --> 00:05:36,777 We ain't talking about any million-dollar ideas. 117 00:05:36,778 --> 00:05:38,862 Wait, wait, pause it. Zoom in on that napkin. 118 00:05:38,863 --> 00:05:39,906 What does that say? 119 00:05:42,158 --> 00:05:44,326 There it is. "Warm cuts." 120 00:05:44,327 --> 00:05:46,036 Like cold cuts, but warm. 121 00:05:46,037 --> 00:05:47,913 Our million-dollar idea. 122 00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,539 Warm cuts? That's dumb. 123 00:05:49,540 --> 00:05:53,043 If it's so dumb, how come we're pitching it on Shark Tank? 124 00:05:53,044 --> 00:05:54,670 Now, when we first started Warm Cuts, 125 00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:56,338 it was just a gross idea. 126 00:05:56,339 --> 00:05:58,799 But this year, we're on track to get sued 127 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,093 for $12.5 million. 128 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,011 That's quadruple the projections. 129 00:06:03,012 --> 00:06:04,930 You know what, I like your product. 130 00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:07,557 But more than that, I like you guys. 131 00:06:07,558 --> 00:06:10,978 I'm in, and I'll give you exactly what you're asking for: 132 00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:14,564 $100,000 for ten percent. 133 00:06:14,565 --> 00:06:16,692 What do you say? 134 00:06:16,693 --> 00:06:19,111 Does anyone other than Robert have an offer? 135 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,613 Wait, why are only three of us on Shark Tank? 136 00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:22,906 Yeah, where's Quagmire? 137 00:06:22,907 --> 00:06:24,617 Oh, my God, is that... 138 00:06:27,452 --> 00:06:28,996 Quagmire, you hooked up. 139 00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:30,539 All right. 140 00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:32,791 Oh, no, wait, wait. It's on film. 141 00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:35,460 That's not all right. What if my boss sees this? 142 00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:36,878 What if my dad sees it? 143 00:06:36,879 --> 00:06:39,589 It's fine, Glenn. You can't even see your face. 144 00:06:39,590 --> 00:06:43,010 You did it again, Glenn Quagmire. 145 00:06:43,011 --> 00:06:45,804 Oh, my God. Joe, you have to delete this footage. 146 00:06:45,805 --> 00:06:48,098 Sorry, Glenn, the footage is automatically uploaded 147 00:06:48,099 --> 00:06:49,766 to the Internet every night. 148 00:06:49,767 --> 00:06:52,145 The Internet?! Oh, my God. 149 00:06:54,939 --> 00:06:58,025 Excuse me, ma'am, no porn at the bar. 150 00:06:58,026 --> 00:06:59,693 Oh, it's okay, I'm transgender. 151 00:06:59,694 --> 00:07:01,445 Oh, I-I had no idea. 152 00:07:01,446 --> 00:07:04,031 Do whatever you want all the time. 153 00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:06,616 Oh, Glenn... 154 00:07:06,617 --> 00:07:08,118 Howdy, stranger. 155 00:07:08,119 --> 00:07:10,287 Brian? What are you doing here? 156 00:07:10,288 --> 00:07:12,497 - I'm an alcoholic. - Oh, right. 157 00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:14,207 So, you saw the video, huh? 158 00:07:14,208 --> 00:07:16,752 Oh, yeah. It's just so hard. 159 00:07:16,753 --> 00:07:18,462 Well, it has to be for sex. 160 00:07:18,463 --> 00:07:19,796 No, no, I mean-I mean it's difficult 161 00:07:19,797 --> 00:07:22,507 to watch your son embarrass himself so publicly. 162 00:07:22,508 --> 00:07:25,594 Yeah, that parent-child relationship is so special. 163 00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,554 Sometimes you want to shake 'em by the shoulders 164 00:07:27,555 --> 00:07:29,473 and say, "Aah, what are you doing?" 165 00:07:29,474 --> 00:07:31,808 But you just got to give 'em the biggest hug you can 166 00:07:31,809 --> 00:07:34,311 and let 'em know that you'll always be there for them. 167 00:07:34,312 --> 00:07:35,937 - How's your son, Brian? - We don't talk. 168 00:07:35,938 --> 00:07:37,773 But, Ida, you can't blame yourself. 169 00:07:37,774 --> 00:07:40,317 As much as you want to save your kids from their mistakes, 170 00:07:40,318 --> 00:07:42,944 it's their mistakes that help them grow and change 171 00:07:42,945 --> 00:07:44,446 and become their best selves. 172 00:07:44,447 --> 00:07:46,656 You know, Brian, that's what I like about you. 173 00:07:46,657 --> 00:07:48,825 You're so wise and kind. 174 00:07:48,826 --> 00:07:50,871 I think that's what originally drew me to you. 175 00:07:50,872 --> 00:07:53,663 Yep, here I am, Mr. Wisdom, 176 00:07:53,664 --> 00:07:55,582 sitting at the bottom of a bottle, 177 00:07:55,583 --> 00:07:57,125 just like every Tuesday. 178 00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:59,336 - Brian, it's Thursday. - Oh, boy. 179 00:07:59,337 --> 00:08:01,588 Why do you always run yourself down? 180 00:08:01,589 --> 00:08:03,256 You're handsome, you're loyal. 181 00:08:03,257 --> 00:08:05,425 You give your paw after a couple of tries. 182 00:08:05,426 --> 00:08:07,469 Come on, paw. 183 00:08:07,470 --> 00:08:10,889 Paw. Paw... 184 00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:13,016 There you go. Good boy. 185 00:08:13,017 --> 00:08:16,144 I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you. 186 00:08:16,145 --> 00:08:17,896 Ehh, mirrors kind of freak me out. 187 00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:20,690 And-and funny, too. 188 00:08:20,691 --> 00:08:22,526 Except for a job and your own home, 189 00:08:22,527 --> 00:08:24,904 you are the full package, Brian Griffin. 190 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:29,366 Ida... should we get a room? 191 00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:31,244 Absolutely. 192 00:08:33,496 --> 00:08:36,707 They've got one person working back there. 193 00:08:38,292 --> 00:08:39,960 Morning, sleepyhead. 194 00:08:39,961 --> 00:08:41,962 - Morning. - Some night, huh? 195 00:08:41,963 --> 00:08:43,380 Yeah, it really was. 196 00:08:43,381 --> 00:08:45,882 They dropped a USA Today outside our room. 197 00:08:45,883 --> 00:08:47,551 - You want to read it? - Oh, God, no. 198 00:08:47,552 --> 00:08:49,886 Well, I guess we'll pretend this never happened, 199 00:08:49,887 --> 00:08:51,638 and I'll see you in another two years. 200 00:08:51,639 --> 00:08:53,265 Yeah. 201 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,559 You know what? No. 202 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,436 What are you doing Friday night? 203 00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,562 Well, that depends. 204 00:08:58,563 --> 00:09:00,439 Is Friday Night Videos still a thing? 205 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,357 No, it hasn't been for quite some time. 206 00:09:02,358 --> 00:09:03,692 Well, then, I'm free. 207 00:09:03,693 --> 00:09:05,652 Does that mean you're asking me out? 208 00:09:05,653 --> 00:09:06,862 I guess it does. 209 00:09:06,863 --> 00:09:09,406 You're... not ashamed to be with me? 210 00:09:09,407 --> 00:09:11,241 No, I'm not. I don't care anymore. 211 00:09:11,242 --> 00:09:14,286 I guess I'm just not as hung up as I used to be. 212 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,912 Room service. 213 00:09:15,913 --> 00:09:17,330 Oh, my God, you ordered room service?! 214 00:09:17,331 --> 00:09:18,498 Are you crazy? 215 00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:19,875 What if somebody finds out I'm in here 216 00:09:19,876 --> 00:09:22,002 having goofball sex? 217 00:09:22,003 --> 00:09:23,920 Hello? Room service. 218 00:09:23,921 --> 00:09:25,422 I've got your eggs and Snausages. 219 00:09:25,423 --> 00:09:27,469 Snausages. 220 00:09:34,849 --> 00:09:37,267 Table 13. The fish is for the gentleman, 221 00:09:37,268 --> 00:09:38,685 and the chicken is for the lady. 222 00:09:38,686 --> 00:09:40,021 Got it. 223 00:09:41,439 --> 00:09:43,356 Great. Is that our food? 224 00:09:43,357 --> 00:09:45,442 The fish is for the gentleman, 225 00:09:45,443 --> 00:09:48,278 and the chicken is for the lady. 226 00:09:48,279 --> 00:09:50,822 I'll be right back, folks. 227 00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:52,574 Well, thanks for picking me to break in 228 00:09:52,575 --> 00:09:53,909 your new Discover card with. 229 00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:55,577 Hey, thanks for co-signing for it. 230 00:09:55,578 --> 00:09:57,205 My pleasure. 231 00:10:01,709 --> 00:10:03,752 Brian, I can't help but notice 232 00:10:03,753 --> 00:10:06,755 you're a little uncomfortable spending time with me. 233 00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:08,632 I thought you said you weren't ashamed of me. 234 00:10:08,633 --> 00:10:09,925 What are you talking about? 235 00:10:09,926 --> 00:10:11,635 Because I made you lie down in the back seat 236 00:10:11,636 --> 00:10:13,637 all the way here? You looked tired. 237 00:10:13,638 --> 00:10:15,305 It just seems like you're always taking me 238 00:10:15,306 --> 00:10:17,933 to out-of-the-way places to avoid being seen together. 239 00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:20,477 - Like yesterday. - Come on, that's not true. 240 00:10:20,478 --> 00:10:22,772 I just wanted to show you a beautiful view. 241 00:10:24,273 --> 00:10:28,276 Wow, check out that big blue marble. 242 00:10:28,277 --> 00:10:29,611 Look, there's another shuttle. 243 00:10:29,612 --> 00:10:30,905 Get away from the window! 244 00:10:36,786 --> 00:10:38,787 Okay, maybe, maybe this has been 245 00:10:38,788 --> 00:10:40,956 a little weirder for me than I thought. 246 00:10:40,957 --> 00:10:42,958 I'm sorry, Ida. I... 247 00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:46,253 I really care about you and you deserve better. 248 00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:48,672 - Can I help you? - The fish is for... 249 00:10:48,673 --> 00:10:51,841 The fish is for me. And the chicken... 250 00:10:51,842 --> 00:10:55,429 the chicken is for my girlfriend, Ida Davis. 251 00:10:57,431 --> 00:11:00,100 "Girlfriend"? Are you sure, Brian? 252 00:11:00,101 --> 00:11:01,601 I'm sure. 253 00:11:01,602 --> 00:11:04,312 And from now on, I'm not hiding anything. 254 00:11:04,313 --> 00:11:07,233 Like Peter and his formaldehyde jars. 255 00:11:09,151 --> 00:11:11,486 - Peter? - Yes? 256 00:11:11,487 --> 00:11:13,905 Is this is about my work? 257 00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:16,908 Hi, I have a Styrofoam cooler with weird tape on it? 258 00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:20,870 Ah, that must be the cat brains and baby bodies. 259 00:11:20,871 --> 00:11:23,373 Are you making people? 260 00:11:23,374 --> 00:11:25,625 He'll be flattered you called him that. 261 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,302 Hello, everybody. 262 00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:37,304 I have some pretty big news. 263 00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:40,807 - It may come as a surprise, but... - It's about Ida, isn't it? 264 00:11:40,808 --> 00:11:43,476 It has to be. Why else would Ida be in our house? 265 00:11:43,477 --> 00:11:45,645 Meg's right. I-Ida's only been here, what, 266 00:11:45,646 --> 00:11:47,981 - like, twice her whole life? - You think they did it again? 267 00:11:47,982 --> 00:11:50,900 - Well, what else could it be? - They do have a lot in common. 268 00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:53,153 Two mature people with dwindling options. 269 00:11:53,154 --> 00:11:55,155 Like, I know Brian was squeamish about sleeping 270 00:11:55,156 --> 00:11:58,158 with a trans woman before, but it's 2019 now. 271 00:11:58,159 --> 00:12:01,328 Yeah, things that were gross five years ago are now heroic. 272 00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:04,873 Wow. Brian and Ida. Good for them. 273 00:12:04,874 --> 00:12:06,333 Well, that's a relief. 274 00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:09,085 Now the only other person we have to tell about us is Glenn. 275 00:12:09,086 --> 00:12:11,421 Oh, God, I haven't even thought about that. 276 00:12:11,422 --> 00:12:13,923 Mr. Quagmire hates Brian. 277 00:12:13,924 --> 00:12:15,550 Yes, my big brother's right. 278 00:12:15,551 --> 00:12:17,469 Quagmire thinks Brian's trash. 279 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,262 Well, just have him over here for dinner. 280 00:12:19,263 --> 00:12:21,931 We'll help you. We're here for you, Brian. 281 00:12:21,932 --> 00:12:24,434 You know what? You're right. I can do this. 282 00:12:24,435 --> 00:12:27,187 After all, I'm not the first person to deliver tough news. 283 00:12:27,188 --> 00:12:29,230 Like when they found Waldo. 284 00:12:29,231 --> 00:12:31,858 There are many things I can't go into at this time, 285 00:12:31,859 --> 00:12:34,194 but I can confirm that a body was removed 286 00:12:34,195 --> 00:12:36,237 from Waldo's apartment this morning. 287 00:12:36,238 --> 00:12:38,323 Is this being treated as a suicide? 288 00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:40,325 Again, I can't confirm. 289 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:43,620 But to that point, instead of always asking "Where's Waldo?" 290 00:12:43,621 --> 00:12:46,956 maybe some of you should've been asking "How's Waldo?" 291 00:12:46,957 --> 00:12:48,709 Good day. 292 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,465 Glenn, Ida, it's so nice 293 00:12:55,466 --> 00:12:57,467 that you could both come over for dinner. 294 00:12:57,468 --> 00:12:59,177 Thanks so much for having us. 295 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,975 No response from Peter. What the hell? 296 00:13:05,976 --> 00:13:07,811 I thought we were going to the Clam. 297 00:13:07,812 --> 00:13:10,480 And Quagmire just texted back "Can't." 298 00:13:10,481 --> 00:13:11,981 I don't like it. 299 00:13:11,982 --> 00:13:14,401 They're doing something without us. 300 00:13:14,402 --> 00:13:18,029 So, Brian, what's, uh, what's new in your world? 301 00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:20,240 Oh, well, um, 302 00:13:20,241 --> 00:13:22,075 thank you for asking, Lois. 303 00:13:22,076 --> 00:13:24,244 - I see them. - They're both in there. 304 00:13:24,245 --> 00:13:25,912 Looks like a dinner party! 305 00:13:25,913 --> 00:13:29,416 Uh, actually, I have some news that happens to pertain 306 00:13:29,417 --> 00:13:31,501 - to my dating life. - Really, Brian? 307 00:13:31,502 --> 00:13:33,503 - Oh, do tell us. - I knew it! 308 00:13:33,504 --> 00:13:36,047 Well, it's kind of big news. 309 00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:37,800 Those scalloped potatoes? 310 00:13:37,801 --> 00:13:39,426 Well, what's the big news? 311 00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,845 Go ahead, Brian. Tell him. 312 00:13:41,846 --> 00:13:43,888 Ida and I... 313 00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,807 have, uh... 314 00:13:45,808 --> 00:13:47,183 begun dating. 315 00:13:47,184 --> 00:13:49,686 You're, you're joking, right? 316 00:13:49,687 --> 00:13:52,522 It's true, son. Brian and I are in love. 317 00:13:52,523 --> 00:13:55,024 What?! When were you gonna tell me this? 318 00:13:55,025 --> 00:13:57,485 Oh, Peter just texted. 319 00:13:57,486 --> 00:13:59,154 He says he's stuck at work. 320 00:13:59,155 --> 00:14:03,617 They are working that poor man to death. 321 00:14:08,622 --> 00:14:11,791 I'm so glad you dropped in. Brian is cooking breakfast. 322 00:14:11,792 --> 00:14:14,544 That's right, get ready for Eggs a la Brian. 323 00:14:14,545 --> 00:14:16,880 Scrambled eggs with a side of toast. 324 00:14:16,881 --> 00:14:20,008 What? How is that "a la Brian"? That, that's just... 325 00:14:20,009 --> 00:14:22,719 That's, that's great. That's just great, Brian. 326 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,555 I am very excited for this unique breakfast. 327 00:14:25,556 --> 00:14:28,308 Cool, cool. How many globs of ketchup do you want? 328 00:14:28,309 --> 00:14:29,809 Uh, chef's choice. 329 00:14:29,810 --> 00:14:34,022 So, um, how long has this been going on, Dad? 330 00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:36,983 Listen, Glenn, I know this is an adjustment for you, 331 00:14:36,984 --> 00:14:39,986 and you and Brian haven't always seen eye to eye. 332 00:14:39,987 --> 00:14:41,488 Well, I wouldn't say that. 333 00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:44,908 He's just, uh, kind of a big personality. 334 00:14:44,909 --> 00:14:46,743 So, Denver Airport. 335 00:14:46,744 --> 00:14:49,412 Kind of up there, huh? Mile-high. 336 00:14:49,413 --> 00:14:51,915 Yeah, that is the height of the airport. 337 00:14:51,916 --> 00:14:55,251 Now, O'Hare Airport, why on the ticket is it "ORD"? 338 00:14:55,252 --> 00:14:57,587 Uh, it was originally called Orchard Field. 339 00:14:57,588 --> 00:14:59,088 Really? Huh. 340 00:14:59,089 --> 00:15:01,591 Uh, so why is Wilkes-Barre/Scranton "AVP"? 341 00:15:01,592 --> 00:15:04,135 I'm not gonna go through every airport with you, Brian. 342 00:15:04,136 --> 00:15:06,429 You know, Glenn, Brian thought you two could hang out 343 00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:08,723 this afternoon, and I think that's a great idea. 344 00:15:08,724 --> 00:15:10,600 Yeah, Quagmire, what do you say? 345 00:15:12,937 --> 00:15:15,271 All right. I guess I can do that. 346 00:15:15,272 --> 00:15:16,439 Well, great. 347 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,774 Oh, the ketchup's hot. 348 00:15:17,775 --> 00:15:20,198 Everyone goes cold, I go hot. 349 00:15:20,199 --> 00:15:22,738 And that's the "a la." 350 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,393 This sucks. I don't want to be here. 351 00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:30,286 Come on, Glenn. If I'm gonna be dating your mom, 352 00:15:30,287 --> 00:15:32,205 it's important that we spend some time together. 353 00:15:32,206 --> 00:15:36,001 Hi, we have two guest passes from a museum member, Ida Davis. 354 00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:39,521 I'm not seeing an "Ida Davis." 355 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,506 Uh, try "Dan Quagmire." 356 00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:44,092 - "Lieutenant Dan Quagmire." - Ah, the lieutenant. 357 00:15:44,093 --> 00:15:46,094 And how's he doing? Still have his penis? 358 00:15:46,095 --> 00:15:47,428 No, he doesn't. 359 00:15:47,429 --> 00:15:49,264 And that's a weird question to ask. 360 00:15:49,265 --> 00:15:51,517 I'm a weird guy, I work at a museum. 361 00:15:54,311 --> 00:15:56,557 See? It's not so bad. 362 00:15:56,558 --> 00:15:58,526 It's like Night at the Museum in here. 363 00:15:58,527 --> 00:16:00,461 - How? - Well, you know, 364 00:16:00,462 --> 00:16:01,943 like, the guys are gonna come to life. 365 00:16:01,944 --> 00:16:04,821 - Like, who? - Um, the guys, you know? 366 00:16:04,822 --> 00:16:06,614 When it's, when it's nighttime. 367 00:16:06,615 --> 00:16:08,616 - You didn't see the movie, did you? - No. 368 00:16:08,617 --> 00:16:10,118 Why did you bring up a reference to something 369 00:16:10,119 --> 00:16:11,452 you know nothing about? 370 00:16:11,453 --> 00:16:13,830 I... it just, it reminded me of, uh... 371 00:16:13,831 --> 00:16:15,498 Brian, don't bring up a reference to someone 372 00:16:15,499 --> 00:16:16,916 whose favorite movie it is, 373 00:16:16,917 --> 00:16:18,793 because you'll just embarrass yourself. 374 00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:20,461 That was a natural history museum, 375 00:16:20,462 --> 00:16:22,088 this is a science museum. 376 00:16:22,089 --> 00:16:24,465 What, you think this tidal chart's gonna come to life? 377 00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:26,843 You think this moon rock is gonna walk across the room 378 00:16:26,844 --> 00:16:28,845 and riff brilliantly like Robin Williams 379 00:16:28,846 --> 00:16:31,639 playing Teddy Roosevelt, God rest both their souls? 380 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:35,519 Be very, very careful treading around Night at the Museum. 381 00:16:40,819 --> 00:16:43,484 Okay, let's get this game started. 382 00:16:43,485 --> 00:16:45,945 - Do you believe it still fits? - From when? 383 00:16:45,946 --> 00:16:48,114 Thank you for throwing this barbecue. 384 00:16:48,115 --> 00:16:51,078 It's so good for the boys to spend real time together. 385 00:16:51,079 --> 00:16:54,496 Okay, let's play. Kids versus the parents. 386 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:57,373 All right, we're gonna destroy those kids. 387 00:16:57,374 --> 00:16:59,375 Uhp, someone's on the wrong team. 388 00:16:59,376 --> 00:17:02,045 Boy, they're in such a hurry not to be kids anymore. 389 00:17:02,046 --> 00:17:04,130 Your time will come, trust me. 390 00:17:04,131 --> 00:17:06,466 I'm older than the adults. I'm older than all of you! 391 00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:08,635 It seems like that sometimes, I bet. 392 00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:11,513 Get down there, champ. 393 00:17:13,849 --> 00:17:16,559 All right, as the one adult on a team full of children, 394 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,894 I'm gonna act good-natured 395 00:17:17,895 --> 00:17:20,396 while being subtly furious at all your mistakes. 396 00:17:20,397 --> 00:17:21,981 Okay? Break on three. 397 00:17:21,982 --> 00:17:24,049 One, two, three... 398 00:17:24,050 --> 00:17:25,193 - Break! - Football! 399 00:17:25,194 --> 00:17:27,737 Let's focus, Chris. Can we just focus for a minute? 400 00:17:27,738 --> 00:17:30,736 And let's all face the same direction. 401 00:17:30,737 --> 00:17:32,033 Okay, I'm gonna call the plays 402 00:17:32,034 --> 00:17:34,827 while I'm covering my mouth with this play card. 403 00:17:34,828 --> 00:17:37,538 Peter, that's not a play card, it's a Denny's menu. 404 00:17:37,539 --> 00:17:40,748 Let's run Moons Over My Hammy on three. 405 00:17:40,749 --> 00:17:43,503 Hey, guys? Gonna need your help over here. 406 00:17:43,504 --> 00:17:46,130 They got a real All-American at QB. 407 00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:47,256 God. 408 00:17:47,257 --> 00:17:48,800 Down. Hut! Hut! 409 00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,551 Good hutting, Glenn. That's my boy, hutting. 410 00:17:50,552 --> 00:17:51,970 Way to hut! 411 00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:54,639 Shut up. Stop complimenting things that don't need it. 412 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,845 Hike! 413 00:18:01,313 --> 00:18:04,107 Uh-oh, look who's on the loose. 414 00:18:04,108 --> 00:18:06,150 I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you... 415 00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:08,820 Oh, no, I missed you by total accident. 416 00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:11,489 Yeah! Six points, bitches. 417 00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:14,367 Whoa, that was some great move, buddy. 418 00:18:14,368 --> 00:18:16,160 Aw. 419 00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,829 Did you see and hear the wink? 420 00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,872 That means he did it on purpose. 421 00:18:19,873 --> 00:18:22,041 No, no, way. He did it all by himself. 422 00:18:23,210 --> 00:18:24,502 Ah! There it is again! 423 00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:26,963 Brian, you're the best dad ever. 424 00:18:26,964 --> 00:18:28,381 What're you talking about? I beat him. 425 00:18:28,382 --> 00:18:30,591 I wish I had a dad like that. 426 00:18:30,592 --> 00:18:32,343 Me, too, bud. 427 00:18:32,344 --> 00:18:34,804 Brian, you're very sweet to do that. 428 00:18:34,805 --> 00:18:36,973 To do what? I'm the one who scored the touchdown. 429 00:18:36,974 --> 00:18:39,976 - You sure did, Glenn. - He's not my dad! 430 00:18:39,977 --> 00:18:42,770 I already have a dad, and it's my mom! All right, Brian? 431 00:18:42,771 --> 00:18:45,107 Stop trying to be my dad, you fraud. 432 00:18:47,187 --> 00:18:49,318 Glenn, sweetie, calm down. 433 00:18:49,319 --> 00:18:52,324 No, I'm not gonna calm down. I can't take this anymore. 434 00:18:52,325 --> 00:18:54,323 Listen, Dad, the first time you hooked up with Brian, 435 00:18:54,324 --> 00:18:55,908 it was awful, I hated it. 436 00:18:55,909 --> 00:18:58,619 But you were confused, you'd just gone through a huge change, 437 00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:01,539 you didn't know if you had any options, so you settled. 438 00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:03,958 But you're a beautiful, intelligent woman. 439 00:19:03,959 --> 00:19:06,961 And now you've had time to adjust and your choice is Brian? 440 00:19:06,962 --> 00:19:09,422 Why in God almighty would you choose him? 441 00:19:09,423 --> 00:19:12,592 "Because I love him," a resolved Ida said. 442 00:19:12,593 --> 00:19:15,136 - I'm also a published author. - Self-published. 443 00:19:15,137 --> 00:19:16,846 You're also a pompous, pretentious, 444 00:19:16,847 --> 00:19:18,347 hypocritical blowhard. 445 00:19:18,348 --> 00:19:20,683 - Who attended Brown. - For one semester. 446 00:19:20,684 --> 00:19:22,602 - You went to Brown? - For two months. 447 00:19:22,603 --> 00:19:24,103 See? See, that's what I mean. 448 00:19:24,104 --> 00:19:25,897 His whole life is a lie. 449 00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:28,984 I can't take this anymore. It's either him or me. 450 00:19:35,699 --> 00:19:37,950 - I choose Brian... - Yes. 451 00:19:37,951 --> 00:19:40,078 To talk to first. 452 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:43,081 Brian, I've loved every minute that we've spent together. 453 00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:44,707 I never thought I'd meet someone 454 00:19:44,708 --> 00:19:47,210 who I connected with on so many levels, 455 00:19:47,211 --> 00:19:49,545 - much less an Ivy Leaguer. - Come on... 456 00:19:49,546 --> 00:19:53,674 But as special as you are to me, I have to put my son first. 457 00:19:53,675 --> 00:19:55,885 - But Ida... - He's my son. 458 00:19:55,886 --> 00:19:57,970 I've made my decision. 459 00:19:57,971 --> 00:19:59,722 Bye-bye, Brian. You're history. 460 00:19:59,723 --> 00:20:03,059 And this time, history's not coming back to life. 461 00:20:03,060 --> 00:20:05,019 Night at the Museum. 462 00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:06,521 I'm sorry, Brian. 463 00:20:06,522 --> 00:20:09,148 I'll never forget what we had together. 464 00:20:09,149 --> 00:20:11,443 I understand. 465 00:20:13,195 --> 00:20:14,862 Can you guys wrap this up? 466 00:20:14,863 --> 00:20:17,698 I see Peter coming with some kind of problem from the game. 467 00:20:17,699 --> 00:20:21,369 Quagmire, we agreed that it was a two-hand touch, 468 00:20:21,370 --> 00:20:24,122 and then Chris hit me with one hand, 469 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,873 and I said that didn't count, 470 00:20:25,874 --> 00:20:27,834 but he still wouldn't count the touchdown. 471 00:20:27,835 --> 00:20:30,002 So I drilled him in the head with the ball, 472 00:20:30,003 --> 00:20:31,587 and now he's not moving. 473 00:20:31,588 --> 00:20:34,340 He can blink his eyes, but nothing else. 474 00:20:34,341 --> 00:20:37,635 - So, is my dog still your dad? - Uh, no. 475 00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:41,217 Chris, he said the touchdown counts!