1 00:00:02,883 --> 00:00:04,983 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:04,984 --> 00:00:09,654 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 3 00:00:16,310 --> 00:00:18,124 _ 4 00:00:18,665 --> 00:00:20,364 ( pounding on door ) 5 00:00:24,003 --> 00:00:25,536 Leon: Larry, it's Leon! 6 00:00:29,342 --> 00:00:30,675 ( lock clicks ) 7 00:00:32,312 --> 00:00:33,678 The fuck? 8 00:00:35,481 --> 00:00:36,781 Leon: What's going on, man? 9 00:00:38,217 --> 00:00:40,718 It's fucking crazy in this fucking room. 10 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:43,521 What are these motherfucking shades, man? 11 00:00:43,523 --> 00:00:45,755 Oh, my God. 12 00:00:45,757 --> 00:00:47,925 You need sunlight, man. You turning white. 13 00:00:47,927 --> 00:00:51,528 - The fuck is going on? - What are you doing? 14 00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:53,763 What? I'm in a hotel. 15 00:00:53,765 --> 00:00:55,332 You think you're safe in a hotel? 16 00:00:55,334 --> 00:00:56,867 I think I'm safer here than in my house. 17 00:00:56,869 --> 00:00:58,001 The bottom line is this, Larry-- 18 00:00:58,003 --> 00:00:59,669 you can't fucking hide here. 19 00:00:59,671 --> 00:01:01,305 These motherfuckers want you, they're gonna come and get you. 20 00:01:01,307 --> 00:01:03,540 Cut your fucking hands off, cut your feet off, 21 00:01:03,542 --> 00:01:04,741 put your feet in your back pockets, 22 00:01:04,743 --> 00:01:06,076 put your hands in your front pockets, 23 00:01:06,078 --> 00:01:07,311 and then carry your ass out of here 24 00:01:07,313 --> 00:01:08,478 like a piece of fucking luggage. 25 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:09,880 Jeff: How are you helping? 26 00:01:09,882 --> 00:01:11,048 I'm just letting him know what happens. 27 00:01:11,050 --> 00:01:12,316 You don't need this shit. 28 00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:13,717 You go to your house. No one's coming. 29 00:01:13,719 --> 00:01:16,618 I talked to the FBI guy. He's not gonna lie. 30 00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:17,954 No one is coming. 31 00:01:17,956 --> 00:01:20,689 But I can't go back to the house. 32 00:01:20,691 --> 00:01:23,125 I gotta move or sell the house or something. 33 00:01:23,127 --> 00:01:25,427 No, no, no, no. You can't fucking sell the house. 34 00:01:25,429 --> 00:01:27,063 All of my ladies know I live there already. 35 00:01:27,065 --> 00:01:28,664 You're gonna set me back two or three years. 36 00:01:28,666 --> 00:01:30,833 No, you fucking stay there. You fucking stay. 37 00:01:30,835 --> 00:01:35,471 Get back to your life. Get back on the horse now! 38 00:01:35,473 --> 00:01:37,606 - Okay, give me two minutes. - Jeff: Yeah. 39 00:01:38,809 --> 00:01:40,542 - Proud of ya. - My man. 40 00:01:52,756 --> 00:01:54,256 ( door opens ) 41 00:01:55,692 --> 00:01:57,192 ( door closes ) 42 00:02:04,935 --> 00:02:06,567 Ah. 43 00:02:06,569 --> 00:02:08,904 ( scoffs ) I was there first. I should've got that. 44 00:02:08,906 --> 00:02:11,672 I was too busy looking in the mirror 'cause I'm so vain. 45 00:02:11,674 --> 00:02:13,674 It's no big deal. I got it. 46 00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,210 Thank you, thank you. 47 00:02:15,212 --> 00:02:17,279 Well, look at you. 48 00:02:17,281 --> 00:02:19,380 Look at me. 49 00:02:19,382 --> 00:02:20,814 May I ask you a question? 50 00:02:21,918 --> 00:02:24,785 - Sure. - Why this outfit? 51 00:02:24,787 --> 00:02:27,587 It seems that women in your profession, 52 00:02:27,589 --> 00:02:29,689 they-- they dress like this for some reason. 53 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:32,592 Why not look wholesome? Why double down on the seediness? 54 00:02:32,594 --> 00:02:34,528 I think I look really good. 55 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,196 - Mm. Mm. - No? 56 00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:38,232 - ( sighs ) - Mm, I mean, look at dentists. 57 00:02:38,234 --> 00:02:40,467 They don't walk around with their smocks on 58 00:02:40,469 --> 00:02:42,536 when they're not in-- when they're not in their office. 59 00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:45,605 - This is a hooker smock is what you got on. - I'm a hooker. 60 00:02:45,607 --> 00:02:47,908 I know, but you don't have to show everybody. 61 00:02:47,910 --> 00:02:50,444 - I don't? - No! People like a mystery. 62 00:02:50,446 --> 00:02:54,948 Imagine putting on a beautiful dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, you know? 63 00:02:54,950 --> 00:02:57,984 All right, well, first of all, I'm-- I'm not able to afford 64 00:02:57,986 --> 00:03:01,020 a dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, so that's not gonna happen. 65 00:03:01,022 --> 00:03:02,888 You're not able to afford it now, 66 00:03:02,890 --> 00:03:07,126 but get one dress and I guarantee you in six months, 67 00:03:07,128 --> 00:03:11,597 your closet will be packed with dresses like that. 68 00:03:11,599 --> 00:03:13,132 Really? 69 00:03:13,134 --> 00:03:15,001 - Absolutely. - ( elevator dings ) 70 00:03:15,003 --> 00:03:17,337 Okay, so I'm gonna put the tits away. 71 00:03:17,339 --> 00:03:18,804 Yeah, put-- put the tits away. 72 00:03:18,806 --> 00:03:20,039 - Animal prints gone. - Yeah. 73 00:03:20,041 --> 00:03:21,874 - No more hooker boots. - None. Zero. 74 00:03:21,876 --> 00:03:24,077 - Fishnets, out of here. - Out. 75 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,811 - I think I could do this. - I think business is gonna boom. 76 00:03:26,813 --> 00:03:28,847 - I really do. - Thank you so much. 77 00:03:28,849 --> 00:03:30,949 - Oh, well... - Oh. 78 00:03:30,951 --> 00:03:34,486 I-- I'm so thrilled about this whole thing. Good luck! 79 00:03:34,488 --> 00:03:36,221 Good luck! You can do it! 80 00:03:36,223 --> 00:03:38,357 - Larry: Hi. - Hi. 81 00:03:38,359 --> 00:03:41,393 I'm checking out a lot earlier than I had anticipated. 82 00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:43,828 - Oh, we hate to see you go. - Okay, 1003. 83 00:03:43,830 --> 00:03:46,564 1003. And what is the name on 1003? 84 00:03:46,566 --> 00:03:48,533 Buck Dancer. 85 00:03:50,337 --> 00:03:53,171 Uh, okay, Mr. Dancer, let me just bring that up. 86 00:03:53,173 --> 00:03:56,708 - I hope you enjoyed your stay. - Mm, yeah, yeah, it was fine. It was fine. 87 00:03:56,710 --> 00:03:58,443 Okay, well, be sure to visit our website. 88 00:03:58,445 --> 00:04:00,611 You can always give us some feedback. We love notes. 89 00:04:00,613 --> 00:04:02,313 - Don't tuck in. - The sheets? 90 00:04:02,315 --> 00:04:03,747 - Don't tuck in? - Yeah, don't-- don't tuck in. 91 00:04:03,749 --> 00:04:05,682 - Too tight for you? - Who sleeps like that? 92 00:04:05,684 --> 00:04:07,318 It's suffocating. 93 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,420 - You're right. - It's absolutely suffocating. 94 00:04:09,422 --> 00:04:11,722 Don't tuck. I will take that note on advisement. 95 00:04:11,724 --> 00:04:14,091 Those cookies, those are for guests? 96 00:04:14,093 --> 00:04:15,993 Oh, absolutely, yes. We have a wonderful pastry chef. 97 00:04:15,995 --> 00:04:17,561 - Let me know if you need a box. - Thank you. 98 00:04:17,563 --> 00:04:18,529 ( chuckles ) 99 00:04:32,678 --> 00:04:35,945 Ah, I see you went for the big ones, Mr. Dancer, right? 100 00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:40,016 - Yes, yes, I got the first. - Oh, good, good for you. They're delicious. 101 00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:41,684 Uh, just-- if I may-- 102 00:04:41,686 --> 00:04:45,455 uh, we ask that people use the tongs when selecting their cookies. 103 00:04:45,457 --> 00:04:48,058 Tongs? Yes, yes, I saw the tongs there. 104 00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:50,560 I eschewed the tongs deliberately 105 00:04:50,562 --> 00:04:53,629 because the tongs are not made for picking up cookies. 106 00:04:53,631 --> 00:04:55,565 They-- they crumble the cookie. 107 00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:57,333 It's not a good system, the tong. 108 00:04:57,335 --> 00:05:00,236 Uh, we just ask, you know, that you use the tongs, 109 00:05:00,238 --> 00:05:01,504 which we sort of provide there on the plate, 110 00:05:01,506 --> 00:05:03,073 you know, just for sanitary reasons. 111 00:05:03,075 --> 00:05:04,640 Here, look, I'll tell you what I'll do. 112 00:05:04,642 --> 00:05:06,709 I'll take my second cookie with the tongs... 113 00:05:06,711 --> 00:05:08,510 - Thank you. - ...all right? 114 00:05:08,512 --> 00:05:10,646 - Perfect. Great. - ( grunting ) 115 00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:14,416 - ( exhales ) - Seem to be making a moment of it, 116 00:05:14,418 --> 00:05:16,018 - but I'll let you have it. - I wasn't making a moment. 117 00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:17,687 It's just it's hard to hold it. 118 00:05:17,689 --> 00:05:19,989 Let me ask you this question-- 119 00:05:19,991 --> 00:05:21,390 who put you in charge of the cookies? 120 00:05:21,392 --> 00:05:22,491 Do you oversee the cookies? 121 00:05:22,493 --> 00:05:23,960 I was given explicit instructions 122 00:05:23,962 --> 00:05:26,428 to look over the lobby, which is my jurisdiction. 123 00:05:26,430 --> 00:05:28,330 So, yes, I oversee the cookies. 124 00:05:28,332 --> 00:05:31,867 Okay, I-- I don't think this is within your jurisdiction. 125 00:05:31,869 --> 00:05:33,569 Well, uh, Mr. Dancer, 126 00:05:33,571 --> 00:05:36,839 I have enjoyed spending so much time with you, 127 00:05:36,841 --> 00:05:39,108 and thank you for all your wonderful notes, 128 00:05:39,110 --> 00:05:41,977 and, uh, we hope to see you again. 129 00:05:41,979 --> 00:05:44,412 You say the pastry chef made these? 130 00:05:44,414 --> 00:05:46,380 Oh, yes. They're wonderful. 131 00:05:46,382 --> 00:05:48,249 I got news for you, pal. 132 00:05:48,251 --> 00:05:49,951 This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie. 133 00:05:49,953 --> 00:05:51,419 - Okay? - I... 134 00:05:51,421 --> 00:05:52,721 This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie, that's it. 135 00:05:52,723 --> 00:05:54,188 Well, I will go to that pastry chef 136 00:05:54,190 --> 00:05:55,924 and I will confront him about it. 137 00:05:55,926 --> 00:05:57,225 Don't tell people these are 138 00:05:57,227 --> 00:05:58,693 home-made cookies by a pastry chef. 139 00:05:58,695 --> 00:06:00,895 - Okay, no, I-- - Okay. 140 00:06:00,897 --> 00:06:02,563 - I wouldn't and I didn't. - This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie. 141 00:06:02,565 --> 00:06:03,898 I don't believe those are Pepperidge Farm cookies. 142 00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:05,100 This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie. 143 00:06:05,102 --> 00:06:06,300 All right, Mr. Dancer, well, 144 00:06:06,302 --> 00:06:08,302 I will take that into account-- 145 00:06:08,304 --> 00:06:10,105 I'm a little disappointed. I could buy this in the grocery store 146 00:06:10,107 --> 00:06:12,073 on my way home, so. 147 00:06:12,075 --> 00:06:13,875 - Okay. - But anyway, you're putting out Pepperidge Farm. 148 00:06:13,877 --> 00:06:16,309 - Fine, great, okay. - Okay, great. Thank you so much. 149 00:06:16,311 --> 00:06:21,115 Linda, can we get these cookies out of the way that he touched? 150 00:06:25,021 --> 00:06:27,254 I don't want you to use these doors anymore. You got that? 151 00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:29,990 - They call this shit "overreacting." - Is the alarm working? 152 00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:33,260 You should worry about that goddamn fireplace. 153 00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:35,062 You're gonna fuck around and forget 154 00:06:35,064 --> 00:06:38,065 and Fatwa Claus gonna come down that fucking chimney and kill your ass. 155 00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:39,700 What is this shit? What are you eating? 156 00:06:39,702 --> 00:06:41,702 - Beef sticks. - Beef stick? 157 00:06:41,704 --> 00:06:43,003 You know how bad that is for you? 158 00:06:43,005 --> 00:06:44,437 Have you ever read the ingredients? 159 00:06:44,439 --> 00:06:46,239 Have you ever tried one of these motherfuckers? 160 00:06:46,241 --> 00:06:47,774 - They're fucking delicious. - They're disgusting. 161 00:06:47,776 --> 00:06:49,242 Look, beef, of course, 162 00:06:49,244 --> 00:06:52,078 molasses, wheat, brown sugar. 163 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,113 Brown fucking sugar. I love fucking brown sugar. 164 00:06:54,115 --> 00:06:57,417 You think black people prefer brown sugar over white sugar? 165 00:06:57,419 --> 00:07:00,420 Absolutely. Anything brown over fucking white. 166 00:07:00,422 --> 00:07:02,355 - Pants? - Of fucking course. 167 00:07:02,357 --> 00:07:03,557 ( knocking on door ) 168 00:07:03,559 --> 00:07:05,692 Fuck. Okay, get the door. 169 00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:08,895 - Give me this thing. - Don't you-- don't you bitch up. 170 00:07:08,897 --> 00:07:11,164 Ask who it is. Don't forget. 171 00:07:11,166 --> 00:07:13,500 - ( knocking continues ) - I'll answer the door. 172 00:07:15,904 --> 00:07:17,804 - Funkhouser. - Oh. 173 00:07:17,806 --> 00:07:19,971 - Hi. Kenny. - What's up, Kenny? 174 00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,440 - Hi, Leon. How you doing? - Hey, man. 175 00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:23,141 Hey, Funk-man. 176 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,244 Funkhouser: LD, come down here. 177 00:07:25,246 --> 00:07:27,813 - To what do I owe the honor? - My nephew, Kenny. 178 00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:29,815 - Kenny, hi. Larry. Hi. - Pleasure to meet you. 179 00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:33,185 - The jewel of the Funkhouser family tree. - Is that so? 180 00:07:33,187 --> 00:07:35,454 - That is so. - Huh, how about that. 181 00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:38,190 - Straight-A student, okay? - Mm. 182 00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:40,426 Member of six clubs in high school-- 183 00:07:40,428 --> 00:07:41,760 runs them all. 184 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:45,864 He was just voted high school All-American pitcher. 185 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,165 - All right. - One-of-a-kind. 186 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,900 - Okay. Yeah. - Now, wait a minute! 187 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,302 If he nails his SATs, which he will... 188 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,839 - Mm-hmm. - ...he's going to Stanford on a full scholarship. 189 00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:58,109 I don't wanna be a hater, but can't nobody do all that shit in one day. 190 00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,745 Well, I mean, I just work hard and-- 191 00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:03,615 I'm saying you're making it feel like this motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something. 192 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:06,317 - You ever see that movie? - Yeah, I've seen "Forrest Gump." 193 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,952 That motherfucker lived a life. 194 00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:10,655 I mean, I'm not-- I'm not running across the country. 195 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,157 - You ever see a titty? - Larry: What's the matter with you? 196 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,525 What kind of a question is that? 197 00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:17,328 Anyway, so, uh, thanks for stopping by. 198 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,063 - Nice to meet you. - Thank you. 199 00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,832 We-- we were just about to eat, so I'll see you, uh... 200 00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,201 - I'd love a sandwich. - Kenny: Me, too. 201 00:08:24,203 --> 00:08:26,170 - I'm starved. - I don't wanna impose, though. 202 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,605 We got a lot of meats, man. All kind of shits in that fridge. 203 00:08:28,607 --> 00:08:29,839 - Funkhouser: Let's do it. - Kenny: Yeah! 204 00:08:29,841 --> 00:08:31,308 - Come on. - Oh, thank you. 205 00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:33,644 - ( clears throat ) - You like bologna and shit? 206 00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:35,412 - Are you fucking kidding me? - You couldn't-- 207 00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:36,846 - Let me tell you something. - This kid's a pitcher? 208 00:08:36,848 --> 00:08:38,081 Let's get off that. 209 00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:39,716 Looks like he can't lift a chess piece. 210 00:08:39,718 --> 00:08:41,518 Yeah, you'd have a good time hitting him. 211 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,053 Here, try that mustard. It's dope. 212 00:08:44,055 --> 00:08:45,989 Leon: Larry has all kind of goodies in here. 213 00:08:45,991 --> 00:08:48,258 All kind of cheeses and meats. 214 00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:50,260 - What are you making? - Sandwiches, baby. 215 00:08:50,262 --> 00:08:53,397 - Who wants a pickle? - Pickles! I want pickles. 216 00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:55,532 - You can't have a sandwich without pickles, right? - No! 217 00:08:57,169 --> 00:08:59,068 - Funkhouser: Tap it, tap it. - Yeah. 218 00:08:59,070 --> 00:09:01,170 Do you need any help? I got it, I got it. 219 00:09:01,172 --> 00:09:03,539 Everybody's gotta be the hero with a pickle jar. 220 00:09:03,541 --> 00:09:05,073 Everybody wants to open it. 221 00:09:05,075 --> 00:09:07,376 You just gotta hit it up. 222 00:09:07,378 --> 00:09:10,813 - Here, give it to the big Funk. - No, little Funk's got it, okay? 223 00:09:10,815 --> 00:09:12,715 - Come on, let me take a shot at it. - No. 224 00:09:12,717 --> 00:09:14,249 - What are you doing, Kenny? - No, I got it! 225 00:09:14,251 --> 00:09:16,251 - Kenny, give me the jar! - I got it. Ooh! Oh! 226 00:09:16,253 --> 00:09:18,053 - Leon: Shit. - What happened? 227 00:09:18,055 --> 00:09:20,122 - I think I heard it crack. - Your pitching arm? 228 00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:21,791 - Yeah, that's my pitching arm. - Oh, my God. 229 00:09:21,793 --> 00:09:23,892 - We gotta go to the hospital. - ( cries ) 230 00:09:23,894 --> 00:09:26,161 - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! - Oh, shut up. 231 00:09:26,163 --> 00:09:29,365 - It was an accident! - I never should've brought him over here! 232 00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:31,801 He tried to open the pickles, so he took the jar from him, 233 00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:35,269 - and you tried to get it from him, too! - You're trying to do too much. 234 00:09:35,271 --> 00:09:37,171 Valedictorian, now you wanna be pickle boy. 235 00:09:37,173 --> 00:09:39,407 - You're doing too much! - Sorry! 236 00:09:43,347 --> 00:09:46,180 You know, I think we have a half open jar in the fridge. 237 00:09:51,087 --> 00:09:52,354 - ( scoffs ) - What do you know? 238 00:09:52,356 --> 00:09:53,521 What do you know? 239 00:09:53,523 --> 00:09:56,391 ( chatter on TV ) 240 00:09:56,393 --> 00:09:57,992 Oh, darling, you're cold. Here. 241 00:09:57,994 --> 00:09:59,761 - Here, put this around you. - I'm just excited. 242 00:10:02,366 --> 00:10:04,499 ( door opens ) 243 00:10:04,501 --> 00:10:07,235 Roger: Well, that's what they want me to do. 244 00:10:07,237 --> 00:10:09,536 - I've got a ticket here... - What's up, Larry? 245 00:10:09,538 --> 00:10:11,705 - Yeah. - ( sighs ) 246 00:10:11,707 --> 00:10:14,375 I had a horrible night last night. 247 00:10:14,377 --> 00:10:15,909 Horrible. 248 00:10:15,911 --> 00:10:17,978 I couldn't sleep, was up all night. 249 00:10:17,980 --> 00:10:20,814 I heard-- I heard someone at the gate. 250 00:10:20,816 --> 00:10:26,019 I heard voices and somebody creeping around the house. 251 00:10:26,021 --> 00:10:27,988 It, like, freaked me out. 252 00:10:27,990 --> 00:10:30,323 Well, you know what? There was a lot of shit going on last night. 253 00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:32,058 I had a little lady friend come over. 254 00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:34,928 You know, her girlfriend's waiting outside of the car, 255 00:10:34,930 --> 00:10:37,731 the kid's in the back seat, jumping around and shit. 256 00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:39,500 - You know? - ( sighs ) 257 00:10:39,502 --> 00:10:41,402 And then I had the pizza guy come over. He came over-- 258 00:10:41,404 --> 00:10:44,437 Okay, so-- so it was you. So you kept me up, essentially. 259 00:10:44,439 --> 00:10:47,040 I didn't keep you up. Just some normal shit that I do. 260 00:10:47,042 --> 00:10:50,476 I need some-- I need some security in the house. 261 00:10:50,478 --> 00:10:53,746 You know, like a-- I gotta hire, like, a Pinkerton guard or something. 262 00:10:53,748 --> 00:10:55,715 You don't need no Pinkerton guard. 263 00:10:55,717 --> 00:10:57,750 You know what? I'll tell you what. 264 00:10:57,752 --> 00:11:00,387 - Let me handle this shit. - You're-- you're gonna hire somebody? 265 00:11:00,389 --> 00:11:02,322 - What are you gonna do? - What if I get somebody half the price 266 00:11:02,324 --> 00:11:04,257 of that Pinkerton motherfucker? 267 00:11:04,259 --> 00:11:07,060 I wanna take care of all this security shit you're worried about, okay? 268 00:11:07,062 --> 00:11:09,896 I'm gonna get you-- get you back to being Larry. 269 00:11:09,898 --> 00:11:13,166 Sitting around here, looking all frumpy and shit. 270 00:11:13,168 --> 00:11:15,568 Well, no, the only reason I'm wearing this bathrobe 271 00:11:15,570 --> 00:11:17,637 is because I left my pajama bottoms-- 272 00:11:17,639 --> 00:11:19,104 you know, those red flannel pajamas? 273 00:11:19,106 --> 00:11:21,106 - Right. - I left them at the hotel. 274 00:11:21,108 --> 00:11:23,442 I can't leave a hotel room without leaving something behind. 275 00:11:23,444 --> 00:11:25,477 - Never fails. - ( doorbell rings ) 276 00:11:25,479 --> 00:11:27,980 - Oh. - Are you expecting somebody? 277 00:11:27,982 --> 00:11:29,481 I'm always expecting somebody. 278 00:11:29,483 --> 00:11:31,516 If they show the fuck up, they show the fuck up. 279 00:11:31,518 --> 00:11:33,953 Goodbye, darling. 280 00:11:33,955 --> 00:11:36,088 - Excuse me a minute. - He's all right, you know. 281 00:11:36,090 --> 00:11:38,457 - He's gonna be all right. - Hey! 282 00:11:38,459 --> 00:11:40,259 - He's alive! - Larry: Oh! 283 00:11:40,261 --> 00:11:42,027 - Hey, buddy. - How you doing? 284 00:11:42,029 --> 00:11:43,662 I'm all right. How are you doing? 285 00:11:43,664 --> 00:11:46,098 Oh, God, I'm a mess. 286 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,267 - Yeah, so bad. - I'd be terrified. 287 00:11:48,269 --> 00:11:50,535 Yeah, and the worst part is the musical's off. 288 00:11:50,537 --> 00:11:52,337 - Oh, you're kidding me. - No. 289 00:11:52,339 --> 00:11:54,305 It was such a funny idea. 290 00:11:54,307 --> 00:11:56,307 I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. 291 00:11:56,309 --> 00:11:58,477 - Um... - Nice of you to come over, though, 292 00:11:58,479 --> 00:12:00,144 and, uh, say hi. 293 00:12:00,146 --> 00:12:02,013 - That's really sweet of you. - No. 294 00:12:02,015 --> 00:12:03,615 I really appreciate it. Thank you. 295 00:12:03,617 --> 00:12:04,749 Yeah, you're welcome. 296 00:12:04,751 --> 00:12:07,619 Um, actually, you know what? 297 00:12:07,621 --> 00:12:09,020 ( sighs ) 298 00:12:09,022 --> 00:12:11,623 All right, I'm full of shit. 299 00:12:11,625 --> 00:12:13,992 The truth is I'm here to ask-- 300 00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:17,395 I'm here to ask your permission if I can date Cheryl. 301 00:12:18,599 --> 00:12:20,632 Boom. ( clears throat ) 302 00:12:20,634 --> 00:12:22,100 ( scoffs ) 303 00:12:22,102 --> 00:12:23,935 - Wow. - Wow? 304 00:12:23,937 --> 00:12:27,104 Yeah, you come over here under these false pretenses 305 00:12:27,106 --> 00:12:29,507 to, oh-- to see how I'm doing, 306 00:12:29,509 --> 00:12:32,342 and-- and you wanna date-- No! 307 00:12:32,344 --> 00:12:33,944 No, I-- no, no, I-- 308 00:12:33,946 --> 00:12:37,147 If you're asking me can you date Cheryl, I'd say no. 309 00:12:37,149 --> 00:12:38,983 Let-- let's just step back just a second. 310 00:12:38,985 --> 00:12:41,151 This is a surprise to me, too. 311 00:12:41,153 --> 00:12:44,221 We're friends. I didn't wanna sneak around behind your back. 312 00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:47,858 I need to, like-- to go with my impulses, 313 00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:51,695 and my impulse is I wanna-- I wanna go out with your ex-wife. 314 00:12:51,697 --> 00:12:53,631 How would you like it if I went out with Mary, huh? 315 00:12:53,633 --> 00:12:55,098 - Would you like that? - Don't be stupid. 316 00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:56,466 ( scoffs ) What does that mean? 317 00:12:56,468 --> 00:12:58,301 It means you're-- 318 00:12:58,303 --> 00:13:02,438 you wanna call my ex-wife, Mary Steenburgen-- 319 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,308 - Larry David wants to ask Mary Steenburgen out? - Oh. 320 00:13:06,310 --> 00:13:10,580 Oh, Larry David is not cool enough for Mary Steenburgen? 321 00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:13,683 - I-- I just-- - Huh? But Ted Danson is? Is that it? 322 00:13:13,685 --> 00:13:17,020 I didn't say that, but there's something in there. 323 00:13:17,022 --> 00:13:18,721 - ( overlapping voices ) - Oh, okay, all right. 324 00:13:18,723 --> 00:13:20,623 You know what? I'll call her right now. How's that? 325 00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:22,491 How's that? I'll call Mary. 326 00:13:22,493 --> 00:13:24,293 - Fine. - Okay? Okay? 327 00:13:24,295 --> 00:13:25,995 You want me to? 328 00:13:25,997 --> 00:13:27,463 - Do it. - Okay. 329 00:13:27,465 --> 00:13:30,266 But then can we get back to this real subject? 330 00:13:32,037 --> 00:13:33,670 Mary! 331 00:13:33,672 --> 00:13:36,137 - I can't believe it. - Hey, it's Larry David. 332 00:13:36,139 --> 00:13:37,973 - Hi, Larry! - Hey! 333 00:13:37,975 --> 00:13:39,708 - How you doing? - Good, good. 334 00:13:39,710 --> 00:13:42,678 Hey, Mar, um, let-- let me ask you something. 335 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,547 You know what's going on with Ted and Cheryl? 336 00:13:45,549 --> 00:13:49,451 Ted told me he was interested in seeing her 337 00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:51,453 and I told him to go for it. 338 00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:54,189 Well, um... ( clears throat ) 339 00:13:54,191 --> 00:13:56,592 I was kind of wondering... 340 00:13:56,594 --> 00:13:58,159 ( scoffs ) 341 00:13:58,161 --> 00:14:00,829 ...you know, if he's gonna go out with her, 342 00:14:00,831 --> 00:14:04,232 why, uh-- why don't you go out with me? 343 00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:06,167 ( chuckles ) 344 00:14:06,169 --> 00:14:08,403 Wow, Lar. 345 00:14:08,405 --> 00:14:10,037 Oh, my gosh. 346 00:14:10,039 --> 00:14:12,940 ( stammering ) Um, I just-- 347 00:14:12,942 --> 00:14:14,909 God, I love you so much. 348 00:14:14,911 --> 00:14:19,414 I don't know if we have anything in common that way, you know? 349 00:14:19,416 --> 00:14:21,082 - Do you think? - Well, we're both people. 350 00:14:21,084 --> 00:14:23,418 We're Earthlings, we breathe, we eat, 351 00:14:23,420 --> 00:14:25,453 so we have-- we have that in common. 352 00:14:25,455 --> 00:14:28,356 Yeah, we have that in common with pretty much everybody, 353 00:14:28,358 --> 00:14:31,359 but I was-- I was just meaning, like, you know, 354 00:14:31,361 --> 00:14:34,829 maybe you're just not my physical type. 355 00:14:34,831 --> 00:14:37,665 Sure. Sure, I understand. 356 00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:41,035 Hope we can have lunch or go shopping 357 00:14:41,037 --> 00:14:43,104 or do something together soon. 358 00:14:43,106 --> 00:14:45,639 - Okay, okay. Okay, bye. - Bye, Lar. 359 00:14:48,511 --> 00:14:50,810 - What'd she say? - No. 360 00:14:50,812 --> 00:14:53,780 - Mm. - Not really her type. 361 00:14:53,782 --> 00:14:55,482 - Huh. - At least, physically. 362 00:14:56,818 --> 00:14:59,553 - Okay. Well, hey... - Yeah. 363 00:14:59,555 --> 00:15:02,422 - So, you gonna go ahead with this? - Yeah, yeah. 364 00:15:02,424 --> 00:15:06,092 - Okay. - You should know that she doesn't give blowjobs. 365 00:15:06,094 --> 00:15:08,228 - Just... - That's okay. 366 00:15:08,230 --> 00:15:09,929 Okay? Sex only in the dark. 367 00:15:09,931 --> 00:15:11,532 She's a little revolted by the penis. 368 00:15:11,534 --> 00:15:13,267 - Really? - She won't look at it. 369 00:15:13,269 --> 00:15:15,802 - She won't even touch it, okay? - Well, maybe that's changed. 370 00:15:15,804 --> 00:15:18,437 - It won't change, okay? - All right, good luck with the fatwa. 371 00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,874 Yeah, thanks. Thanks for being so concerned about it. 372 00:15:50,838 --> 00:15:52,471 ( car door closes ) 373 00:15:52,473 --> 00:15:55,341 - You're in trouble, Larry. - Yeah. Yeah! 374 00:15:55,343 --> 00:15:56,576 I know. Tell me about it. 375 00:15:58,079 --> 00:15:59,345 - I like that. - Oh, yeah? 376 00:15:59,347 --> 00:16:01,113 Yeah, hides the Jew. 377 00:16:01,115 --> 00:16:02,748 Ah, thank you. 378 00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:04,750 Thank you. That's lovely. 379 00:16:04,752 --> 00:16:06,919 Lovely compliment. Thank you very much. 380 00:16:06,921 --> 00:16:08,921 - Very sweet. - What are you doing here, Larry? 381 00:16:08,923 --> 00:16:10,989 - Huh? - Well, you know... 382 00:16:10,991 --> 00:16:13,192 - What? - ...this has been very, very difficult for me. 383 00:16:13,194 --> 00:16:15,595 And I'm thinking, who can help me? I don't know any Muslims. 384 00:16:15,597 --> 00:16:18,797 They're not in show business. They don't hang out at the deli. 385 00:16:18,799 --> 00:16:21,900 Am I supposed to go into a mosque and then start chatting them up? 386 00:16:21,902 --> 00:16:24,136 Sure, maybe I can make a little more effort to seek them out, 387 00:16:24,138 --> 00:16:25,670 but they're not really coming up to me either! 388 00:16:25,672 --> 00:16:27,939 Do you need my help, Larry?! 389 00:16:30,110 --> 00:16:31,909 Yes. 390 00:16:31,911 --> 00:16:32,810 Yes. 391 00:16:34,881 --> 00:16:36,548 - I know people. - You do? 392 00:16:36,550 --> 00:16:39,951 - Mm, I know people. - Imams, mufti? 393 00:16:39,953 --> 00:16:41,786 - "Moofti." - "Moofti"? 394 00:16:41,788 --> 00:16:43,755 - "Moofti." - It's "moofti." Huh. 395 00:16:43,757 --> 00:16:45,022 I always thought it was "muffti." 396 00:16:45,024 --> 00:16:49,761 Anyway, so do you know a mufti? 397 00:16:49,763 --> 00:16:51,896 - I know other people. - Who? Who do you know? 398 00:16:51,898 --> 00:16:53,265 I know the consul of Iran. 399 00:16:54,701 --> 00:16:56,501 You know the consul? 400 00:16:57,571 --> 00:16:59,370 - Is that so? - Yes. 401 00:16:59,372 --> 00:17:01,639 Look at you! You are really something! 402 00:17:01,641 --> 00:17:04,041 - Eh. - How do you know the consul? 403 00:17:04,043 --> 00:17:05,910 I have my connections. 404 00:17:05,912 --> 00:17:09,280 Are you a-- are you a plotter? 405 00:17:09,282 --> 00:17:11,015 Are you one of the plotters? 406 00:17:11,017 --> 00:17:14,618 - Do you plot? - I've plotted before. 407 00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,821 - You've plotted? - I've plotted. 408 00:17:16,823 --> 00:17:17,721 Wow. 409 00:17:19,425 --> 00:17:20,858 You're on my side, right? 410 00:17:24,964 --> 00:17:26,697 Fuck me, you godless fuck! 411 00:17:26,699 --> 00:17:28,465 You infidel fucking Jew! 412 00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:30,168 Try and keep it kosher, could you? 413 00:17:30,170 --> 00:17:32,803 You fatwa fucking bastard! ( moans ) 414 00:17:32,805 --> 00:17:36,106 - I'm a fatwa fuck. - Yes! Talk dirty to me, Larry. 415 00:17:36,108 --> 00:17:39,642 Blaspheme to me like you blasphemed to the Nation of Islam! 416 00:17:39,644 --> 00:17:41,912 Donald Trump! ( panting ) 417 00:17:41,914 --> 00:17:43,146 Steve Bannon! 418 00:17:43,148 --> 00:17:44,514 Jared Kushner. 419 00:17:44,516 --> 00:17:45,849 Mike Pence! 420 00:17:45,851 --> 00:17:47,717 Kellyanne Conway! 421 00:17:47,719 --> 00:17:49,319 - Mitch McConnell! - Yeah! 422 00:17:49,321 --> 00:17:52,255 - Rudy Giuliani! - ( moaning ) 423 00:17:52,257 --> 00:17:54,090 - ( moaning ) - Yeah, yeah! 424 00:17:54,092 --> 00:17:55,525 Rougher, Larry! Rougher! 425 00:17:55,527 --> 00:17:57,493 Sentence me to an orgasm 426 00:17:57,495 --> 00:17:59,196 - like you've been sentenced to death! - You're choking me! 427 00:17:59,198 --> 00:18:00,897 - ( screaming ) - Is this a fatwa! 428 00:18:00,899 --> 00:18:04,367 This is a fatwa! Fa-fa-fa-fatwa! 429 00:18:04,369 --> 00:18:06,668 - ( door bursts open ) - Fatwa! Fatwa! 430 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,503 - ( screaming ) - Leon: Hey! Hey! 431 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,572 No fatwa up in here! No fatwa! 432 00:18:10,574 --> 00:18:12,074 - What? - No fatwa! 433 00:18:12,076 --> 00:18:13,508 Yeah, Larry, that's Swat, your knew security. 434 00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:14,844 You can thank me later for that shit. 435 00:18:14,846 --> 00:18:16,278 Yeah, I'm not even gonna bring up 436 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,113 the fact you're fucking in your goddamn glasses. 437 00:18:18,115 --> 00:18:19,915 Hey, Swat, break her ass in half! 438 00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,989 Hello, is this-- is this Mr. Khashayar? 439 00:18:26,991 --> 00:18:30,326 - Yes, this is he. - Yeah, this is, um-- this is Larry David. 440 00:18:30,328 --> 00:18:32,962 I'm a friend of Shara Ghorbani. 441 00:18:32,964 --> 00:18:36,565 She said that perhaps there might be a way, 442 00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:39,101 you know, to set up a, uh-- a meeting. 443 00:18:39,103 --> 00:18:42,404 It's better if you don't come here under the circumstances... 444 00:18:42,406 --> 00:18:45,940 - Hey, Larry. - Wait, I'm sorry. Could you hold on one second? 445 00:18:45,942 --> 00:18:47,976 Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone. 446 00:18:47,978 --> 00:18:50,879 Hey, I'm gonna give Swat the guest room. Where the towels at? 447 00:18:50,881 --> 00:18:53,382 They're down the hall in the linen closet. 448 00:18:53,384 --> 00:18:54,850 Yes, I'm sorry. 449 00:18:54,852 --> 00:18:57,853 I have two nincompoops in my house, unfortunately. 450 00:18:57,855 --> 00:19:00,722 - Anyway, so, um-- - I would suggest a video conference. 451 00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:02,824 - Oh. - I can arrange for that if you like. 452 00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:04,025 Oh, you wanna set up a video call? 453 00:19:04,027 --> 00:19:06,127 Yeah, the video call would work great. 454 00:19:06,129 --> 00:19:08,263 - Yes, excellent. - Yeah. 455 00:19:08,265 --> 00:19:11,299 Good. I will have one of my staff members contact you to arrange for it. 456 00:19:11,301 --> 00:19:12,567 - Yeah, I-- - Hey, Larry! 457 00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:14,269 Wait, I'm sorry. Hold on one more sec. 458 00:19:14,271 --> 00:19:16,670 What the fuck is wrong with you?! Shh, I'm on the phone! 459 00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:18,739 This goddamn towel's hard as fuck, man. 460 00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,841 Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone! 461 00:19:20,843 --> 00:19:22,510 I'll be there in a second. Shut up! 462 00:19:22,512 --> 00:19:23,811 These towels too rough, man. 463 00:19:23,813 --> 00:19:26,414 - I like a softer towel. - Hey, Swat? Swat?! 464 00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:27,548 Shut up! 465 00:19:27,550 --> 00:19:29,117 Yeah, I'm sorry. 466 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:31,219 No, it's the nincompoops again. 467 00:19:31,221 --> 00:19:33,888 - Nincompoops? - I'll wait to hear from your office. 468 00:19:33,890 --> 00:19:36,357 - Larry! - As I said, they will be in contact. 469 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:39,660 - Okay. Yes, all right, thank you. - Goodbye, Mr. David. 470 00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:43,464 What's so important about these fucking towels? 471 00:19:43,466 --> 00:19:45,533 Swat: Look, these towels are a little too rough, man. 472 00:19:45,535 --> 00:19:46,734 I like a soft towel, Lar. 473 00:19:46,736 --> 00:19:48,202 He wants something more velvety. 474 00:19:48,204 --> 00:19:50,304 Velvet, it doesn't even dry you, velvet. 475 00:19:50,306 --> 00:19:52,172 It doesn't-- it doesn't get the water off. 476 00:19:52,174 --> 00:19:55,008 A harder, coarser towel works a lot better for drying. 477 00:19:55,010 --> 00:19:57,578 If I don't use something velvety, I'ma get ashy as hell, Lar. 478 00:19:57,580 --> 00:20:00,080 - You want me to go shopping for towels? - It'd be nice. 479 00:20:00,082 --> 00:20:02,249 The man's a guest in your house. He's your fucking security. 480 00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:04,251 - He's gonna take care of you. - By the way, 481 00:20:04,253 --> 00:20:06,286 you need to familiarize yourself with that. 482 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,388 - What? What is this? - It's a list. 483 00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:11,325 - Persimmons. You eat persimmons? - Antioxidants. 484 00:20:11,327 --> 00:20:13,293 No stone fruit? 485 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:14,695 I'm telling you, they kill me, Larry. 486 00:20:14,697 --> 00:20:16,730 I'll drop dead right on this fucking carpet. 487 00:20:16,732 --> 00:20:18,999 Even the "oals" will fuck me up. 488 00:20:19,001 --> 00:20:22,002 - Even the what? - The "oals" from the fruit will fuck me up. 489 00:20:22,004 --> 00:20:24,637 If this fucking man even sees a fucking stone fruit, 490 00:20:24,639 --> 00:20:27,640 he's gonna eat the shit, so don't bring no stone fruit in the fucking house. 491 00:20:27,642 --> 00:20:29,343 So now I can't have stone fruit? 492 00:20:30,512 --> 00:20:31,979 Yeah. 493 00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:39,353 Absolutely, we will send that right up. 494 00:20:39,355 --> 00:20:40,520 All right, thank you very much. 495 00:20:40,522 --> 00:20:42,956 - Hello. - Ah, Mr. Dancer. 496 00:20:42,958 --> 00:20:47,160 I'm sorry to report that I left a pair of pajama bottoms 497 00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:49,463 in my room, which was 1003. 498 00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:52,966 - So just pajama bottoms. - Fantastic pajamas, by the way. 499 00:20:52,968 --> 00:20:54,968 - I don't doubt it. - I mean, the best feature about them 500 00:20:54,970 --> 00:20:58,138 is that the flannel's thick, so they obfuscate the penis, 501 00:20:58,140 --> 00:21:00,907 so you could walk around with other people in the house 502 00:21:00,909 --> 00:21:02,308 and you don't see any flopping, 503 00:21:02,310 --> 00:21:04,611 as opposed to the pair that I have now, 504 00:21:04,613 --> 00:21:06,245 my-- my second pair. 505 00:21:06,247 --> 00:21:07,814 - Okay. - A little thinner. 506 00:21:07,816 --> 00:21:10,550 You see the clear outline of the penis-- very unpleasant. 507 00:21:10,552 --> 00:21:14,186 - I will check in the back and I will be right with you. - Thank you very much. 508 00:21:20,395 --> 00:21:22,028 Excuse me. 509 00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:23,863 Hi. 510 00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,733 Are you in charge of the-- the cookies? 511 00:21:26,735 --> 00:21:28,568 Um, yeah, I guess so. 512 00:21:28,570 --> 00:21:31,004 So you oversee the whole cookie operation? 513 00:21:31,006 --> 00:21:33,406 Uh, I don't bake them, but I-- 514 00:21:33,408 --> 00:21:35,473 Well, they're not baked, they're bought in a store. 515 00:21:35,475 --> 00:21:36,842 But that's neither here nor there. 516 00:21:36,844 --> 00:21:38,710 Let me just ask you about the display here. 517 00:21:38,712 --> 00:21:40,779 - Okay. - Was this whole idea yours-- 518 00:21:40,781 --> 00:21:43,582 the display, the tongs, the whole thing? 519 00:21:43,584 --> 00:21:45,316 - Um... - 'Cause I have to tell you, 520 00:21:45,318 --> 00:21:46,985 the tong is not a friend of the cookie 521 00:21:46,987 --> 00:21:48,654 by any stretch of the imagination. 522 00:21:48,656 --> 00:21:51,089 Okay, you must be Mr. Dancer. 523 00:21:51,091 --> 00:21:53,191 - Yes! Yes. - Yes. 524 00:21:53,193 --> 00:21:54,593 - I am. - Okay. 525 00:21:54,595 --> 00:21:56,628 What I believe you should be thinking about 526 00:21:56,630 --> 00:21:58,396 is separating the cookies 527 00:21:58,398 --> 00:22:01,332 so people can use their fingers and not the tongs. 528 00:22:01,334 --> 00:22:03,168 No friend of the cookie. 529 00:22:03,170 --> 00:22:04,903 May I just demonstrate what I'm talking about? 530 00:22:04,905 --> 00:22:07,039 - No, sir, please don't. - Just watch how easy this is. 531 00:22:07,041 --> 00:22:09,374 - It's hotel policy. - You see how easy I picked that out? 532 00:22:09,376 --> 00:22:11,443 - It was so simple. - Mr. Dancer. 533 00:22:11,445 --> 00:22:13,978 I successfully was able to find your pajama bottoms, 534 00:22:13,980 --> 00:22:15,880 and I see that you are not using our tongs again. 535 00:22:15,882 --> 00:22:17,915 No, I was just merely demonstrating something... 536 00:22:17,917 --> 00:22:20,218 - I asked him to use the tongs. - I know you did, Claudia. 537 00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:22,787 - Thank you very much. - And by the way, you're not even in charge of the cookies. 538 00:22:22,789 --> 00:22:26,657 - Claudia is. - I asked you to please follow our policy, 539 00:22:26,659 --> 00:22:29,660 and you are no longer a guest here, actually, so I'm just now asking you 540 00:22:29,662 --> 00:22:32,263 - to just respect that. - Ah, what?! 541 00:22:32,265 --> 00:22:33,465 What?! 542 00:22:33,467 --> 00:22:34,865 Oh, my God! 543 00:22:34,867 --> 00:22:36,301 The tongs dropped on the floor, 544 00:22:36,303 --> 00:22:38,103 you put them back on the table?! 545 00:22:38,105 --> 00:22:39,704 - I wiped them. - She wiped them. 546 00:22:39,706 --> 00:22:41,671 That's like eating off the floor! 547 00:22:41,673 --> 00:22:43,507 - It's the same thing! - It's not at all the same. 548 00:22:43,509 --> 00:22:46,276 It is the same thing! You might as well put the floor on the table! 549 00:22:46,278 --> 00:22:48,178 - Okay, you know what? - This is a disgrace! 550 00:22:48,180 --> 00:22:49,513 Okay, you know what is a disgrace, 551 00:22:49,515 --> 00:22:51,047 that we're having this conversation again. 552 00:22:51,049 --> 00:22:53,083 And here is what I'm gonna say to you right now-- 553 00:22:53,085 --> 00:22:55,252 don't ever return to this hotel-- I'm serious-- or I will call the cops. 554 00:22:55,254 --> 00:22:58,122 Like I would wanna return to a hotel that's serving Pepperidge Farm cookies 555 00:22:58,124 --> 00:23:01,024 and trying to pass them off as if you have a pastry chef! 556 00:23:01,026 --> 00:23:04,728 Fine, and if you do, I will call the police, Mr. Buck Dancer. 557 00:23:04,730 --> 00:23:06,796 Funkhouser: Kenny was a perfect kid, 558 00:23:06,798 --> 00:23:09,032 and look what's happened here! 559 00:23:09,034 --> 00:23:11,468 Look what's happened to my jewel, 560 00:23:11,470 --> 00:23:14,871 my nephew, who is an all-star pitcher. 561 00:23:14,873 --> 00:23:17,039 He's up there now in a cast! 562 00:23:17,041 --> 00:23:19,908 Why did you have to fight him for the pickle?! 563 00:23:19,910 --> 00:23:22,411 Why did I have to fight him? You fought him for the pickles, too! 564 00:23:22,413 --> 00:23:24,113 I didn't fight him; I let it go! 565 00:23:24,115 --> 00:23:25,181 Oh, you let it go. 566 00:23:25,183 --> 00:23:26,715 You tried to open that pickle jar 567 00:23:26,717 --> 00:23:27,850 just like I did! 568 00:23:27,852 --> 00:23:29,552 Everybody wants to be a pickle jar hero. 569 00:23:29,554 --> 00:23:31,554 You broke his elbow, okay? 570 00:23:31,556 --> 00:23:32,755 Are you happy? 571 00:23:32,757 --> 00:23:34,390 He's just a different kid. 572 00:23:34,392 --> 00:23:36,492 His personality has changed. 573 00:23:36,494 --> 00:23:38,361 He's filled with angst. 574 00:23:38,363 --> 00:23:40,095 He's, like, ready to explode. 575 00:23:40,097 --> 00:23:41,531 And you wanna know why? 576 00:23:41,533 --> 00:23:45,801 The way he relaxes is the way all men relax. 577 00:23:45,803 --> 00:23:48,337 It's called "ejaculation." 578 00:23:48,339 --> 00:23:50,872 He can't use the right hand, okay? 579 00:23:50,874 --> 00:23:53,575 This is his ejaculator, okay? 580 00:23:53,577 --> 00:23:55,277 It's done, it's in a cast. 581 00:23:55,279 --> 00:23:58,012 - Yeah. - Mr. Kenny, some lunch! 582 00:23:58,014 --> 00:24:00,348 - What the hell is this shit?! Fuck! - ( glass shattering ) 583 00:24:00,350 --> 00:24:03,285 You call this lunch?! Take your banana and shove it up your ass! 584 00:24:03,287 --> 00:24:05,520 - Get out! Get the fuck out! - Señor, he's crazy! 585 00:24:05,522 --> 00:24:07,389 - Leave me the fuck alone! - ( clattering ) 586 00:24:07,391 --> 00:24:09,324 I don't even know him anymore. 587 00:24:09,326 --> 00:24:11,493 - Wow. - I'm scared to death of him. 588 00:24:11,495 --> 00:24:13,562 He can't masturbate. 589 00:24:13,564 --> 00:24:15,297 He can't make it come out. 590 00:24:15,299 --> 00:24:17,965 - He can't go left? - No, he can't go to his left. 591 00:24:17,967 --> 00:24:19,867 - Can you go to your left? - Eh, nobody can. 592 00:24:19,869 --> 00:24:21,570 - No one can. - Yeah. 593 00:24:21,572 --> 00:24:23,838 It's funny, though, there's other things I can do lefty. 594 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,407 I can eat lefty, I can brush my teeth lefty. 595 00:24:26,409 --> 00:24:28,876 There's a big difference. 596 00:24:28,878 --> 00:24:32,113 You need rotation, you need tempo, 597 00:24:32,115 --> 00:24:33,781 you need feel. 598 00:24:33,783 --> 00:24:35,149 I don't know what's gonna happen 599 00:24:35,151 --> 00:24:37,051 'cause he can't concentrate anymore. 600 00:24:37,053 --> 00:24:40,688 He told me today he doesn't give a shit about the SATs. 601 00:24:40,690 --> 00:24:42,790 He doesn't care about Stanford. 602 00:24:42,792 --> 00:24:44,892 He doesn't care about anything. 603 00:24:44,894 --> 00:24:47,461 - Wow. - He's lost his will. 604 00:24:47,463 --> 00:24:49,063 Hey! 605 00:24:51,768 --> 00:24:56,437 I met this woman in the-- in the hotel, 606 00:24:56,439 --> 00:25:00,107 and I think-- I think she could help him. 607 00:25:00,109 --> 00:25:01,407 What does she do? 608 00:25:01,409 --> 00:25:04,377 She's a-- she's a prostitute. 609 00:25:04,379 --> 00:25:07,914 ( Leon sighs ) 610 00:25:07,916 --> 00:25:10,483 Okay, here's the deal. 611 00:25:10,485 --> 00:25:12,853 You're gonna go in there, you're gonna go to the right, 612 00:25:12,855 --> 00:25:14,888 - near the front desk. - Mm-hmm. 613 00:25:14,890 --> 00:25:17,490 - You're gonna try and open this jar of pickles. - Okay. 614 00:25:17,492 --> 00:25:20,727 It's gonna create a diversion, everybody's gonna come over and try and help, 615 00:25:20,729 --> 00:25:23,463 and then I'm gonna sneak in so the guy doesn't see me 616 00:25:23,465 --> 00:25:25,665 - and try and find Paula, okay? - Right, right, right. 617 00:25:25,667 --> 00:25:27,901 This is called the "pickle gambit." 618 00:25:27,903 --> 00:25:29,970 I like that, man. Hey, it's cool. 619 00:25:29,972 --> 00:25:32,805 - What's my name? - All right, that's irrelevant. 620 00:25:32,807 --> 00:25:34,240 - Okay? - What do you mean it's irrelevant? 621 00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:35,642 - Okay, you want a name? - I want a fucking name! 622 00:25:35,644 --> 00:25:38,311 Okay, uh, Chick Gandil, that's your name. 623 00:25:38,313 --> 00:25:40,613 He played first base for the 1919 White Sox, 624 00:25:40,615 --> 00:25:42,382 the team that threw the World Series. 625 00:25:42,384 --> 00:25:44,817 Wait a fucking minute. I'm not gonna be on no goddamn White Sox. 626 00:25:44,819 --> 00:25:47,287 Would you prefer somebody from the Negro leagues? 627 00:25:47,289 --> 00:25:49,422 Yeah, give me a fucking name. 628 00:25:49,424 --> 00:25:52,692 - Chappie Johnson. - That's a black man's name right there. 629 00:25:52,694 --> 00:25:54,126 That's fucking great. I love it. 630 00:25:54,128 --> 00:25:55,428 - All right. - I could do that shit. 631 00:25:55,430 --> 00:25:56,663 - Okay, get in there. - I got you. 632 00:25:56,665 --> 00:25:58,964 Okay, I'm a-- I'm a diversion. 633 00:25:58,966 --> 00:26:00,966 I got you. I fucking got you, Lar, all right? 634 00:26:06,973 --> 00:26:09,341 ( grunts ) My name is Chappie Johnson 635 00:26:09,343 --> 00:26:11,876 and I can't open this damn pickle jar. 636 00:26:11,878 --> 00:26:13,812 - Let me take a crack at that. - I can help you with that. 637 00:26:13,814 --> 00:26:15,647 I'm gonna have to put you on hold for a second. 638 00:26:15,649 --> 00:26:17,516 Give it here, Chappie. Give me a shot at it. 639 00:26:17,518 --> 00:26:18,817 Guys, I saw from over there. 640 00:26:18,819 --> 00:26:20,118 Let me just get a run at it, all right? 641 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:21,420 I'm small, but you'd be surprised. 642 00:26:21,422 --> 00:26:23,021 ( grunting ) 643 00:26:23,023 --> 00:26:25,557 ( voices overlapping ) 644 00:26:25,559 --> 00:26:27,959 Leon: Let me see that, let me see that. 645 00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:28,893 ( grunts ) 646 00:26:29,996 --> 00:26:31,430 Just try it again. 647 00:26:31,432 --> 00:26:32,831 Put force into it. 648 00:26:32,833 --> 00:26:34,466 - I didn't-- - I got it, I got it. 649 00:26:34,468 --> 00:26:35,600 I didn't get a good run at it. 650 00:26:35,602 --> 00:26:36,768 Come on! 651 00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:47,846 Larry, it's me. 652 00:26:47,848 --> 00:26:50,081 Oh, my God. 653 00:26:50,083 --> 00:26:52,917 ( gasps ) Oh, my God! 654 00:26:52,919 --> 00:26:55,586 - Look at you. - Do you like it? 655 00:26:55,588 --> 00:26:57,956 I-- I'm stunned! 656 00:26:57,958 --> 00:27:01,425 This is-- I-- my mind's exploding! 657 00:27:01,427 --> 00:27:03,228 - Oh, my gosh. - This is incredible. 658 00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:05,596 - Look at you. Look at you! - Oh, really? 659 00:27:05,598 --> 00:27:06,998 - Ugh! - You think so? 660 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,599 Well, I am so happy, 661 00:27:08,601 --> 00:27:09,968 and I owe it all to you. 662 00:27:09,970 --> 00:27:11,835 - It worked. - It worked. 663 00:27:11,837 --> 00:27:13,803 It worked. My life has been changed. 664 00:27:13,805 --> 00:27:15,072 Business-- never been better. 665 00:27:15,074 --> 00:27:17,440 The men-- gentle, respectful. 666 00:27:17,442 --> 00:27:20,110 I did a hooker mitzvah! It's a hooker mitzvah! 667 00:27:20,112 --> 00:27:21,611 You are a visionary. 668 00:27:21,613 --> 00:27:24,814 I don't know what I can do to properly show my thanks. 669 00:27:24,816 --> 00:27:26,350 You don't have to do anything. 670 00:27:26,352 --> 00:27:28,685 The mere fact that you're happier having sex 671 00:27:28,687 --> 00:27:30,320 with a multitude of strangers, 672 00:27:30,322 --> 00:27:33,190 that's all-- that's all the thanks I need. 673 00:27:33,192 --> 00:27:34,624 Aw, Larry! 674 00:27:34,626 --> 00:27:36,426 That's awesome. Thank you! 675 00:27:36,428 --> 00:27:39,429 You know what? This is unbelievable that I actually ran-- 676 00:27:39,431 --> 00:27:41,564 I came here specifically looking for you. 677 00:27:41,566 --> 00:27:43,200 - Oh, you did? - Yes, I did. 678 00:27:43,202 --> 00:27:45,235 - Oh, that's amazing! - Yeah, because I actually do 679 00:27:45,237 --> 00:27:46,468 - need your services. - You do? 680 00:27:46,470 --> 00:27:48,137 - Yes. - Okay, well, fine. 681 00:27:48,139 --> 00:27:50,706 It's for-- it's for my friend's nephew. 682 00:27:50,708 --> 00:27:53,009 - His name is Kenny Funkhouser. - Of course! 683 00:27:53,011 --> 00:27:54,911 Tell me when and where. I'll be there. 684 00:27:54,913 --> 00:27:57,179 - No problem. - Fanta-- 685 00:27:57,181 --> 00:27:58,948 - I feel great, I feel great. - Hey, do you want a drink? 686 00:27:58,950 --> 00:28:00,783 - Just a quick drink? - Uh, no let's get a, uh-- 687 00:28:00,785 --> 00:28:03,585 let's raid the minibar like normal people. 688 00:28:03,587 --> 00:28:05,487 ( both chuckling ) 689 00:28:07,625 --> 00:28:09,325 - I'll be right back. - Okay. 690 00:28:09,327 --> 00:28:10,960 Yes. 691 00:28:10,962 --> 00:28:13,195 ( both chuckling, chattering ) 692 00:28:14,732 --> 00:28:16,465 Claudia: Here, give it to me, give it to me! 693 00:28:16,467 --> 00:28:17,934 Man: You can't open it! 694 00:28:17,936 --> 00:28:19,701 Claudia: We need to get a butter knife. 695 00:28:19,703 --> 00:28:21,336 - Come on, let me give it another try. - No. 696 00:28:21,338 --> 00:28:22,870 ( Ted and Cheryl chuckling ) 697 00:28:22,872 --> 00:28:24,539 ( chattering ) 698 00:28:24,541 --> 00:28:26,274 Man: We need a plier, we need a plier. 699 00:28:26,276 --> 00:28:29,311 But a hatchet will shatter the entire jar. 700 00:28:29,313 --> 00:28:30,979 - Man: Get a plier. - Leon: She can't open it. 701 00:28:30,981 --> 00:28:33,014 - What, 'cause I'm a woman? - Yeah, exactly! 702 00:28:33,016 --> 00:28:34,615 ( Claudia grunts ) 703 00:28:34,617 --> 00:28:36,117 - We need one more shot. - Give me that! 704 00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:37,986 - Mr. Dancer! - ( grunts ) 705 00:28:37,988 --> 00:28:40,055 All: Whoa! 706 00:28:40,057 --> 00:28:41,823 - Larry: Huh?! - Wow. 707 00:28:41,825 --> 00:28:43,591 - Yeah! - Wow, are you serious? 708 00:28:43,593 --> 00:28:45,193 Are you for-- Claudia, get security. 709 00:28:45,195 --> 00:28:46,894 I'll keep Mr. Buck Dancer here. 710 00:28:46,896 --> 00:28:48,430 - Okay? - No, I gotta get-- 711 00:28:48,432 --> 00:28:50,098 Manager: I don't care, I don't care. 712 00:28:50,100 --> 00:28:52,000 I'm not touching cookies, I'm not talking tongs! 713 00:28:52,002 --> 00:28:54,002 I don't care! I warned you if you came back here, this would happen. 714 00:28:54,004 --> 00:28:55,837 - Get out of my way, baldy! - Ah-ah! 715 00:28:55,839 --> 00:28:59,039 - That is it, sir. You are out of here. - Unhand me, you brute! 716 00:28:59,041 --> 00:29:00,174 I have dementia! 717 00:29:11,921 --> 00:29:13,554 What the...? 718 00:29:15,725 --> 00:29:17,825 Unbelievable! 719 00:29:17,827 --> 00:29:20,127 - As often as I can. - Really? 720 00:29:20,129 --> 00:29:21,195 - Yes... - No. 721 00:29:21,197 --> 00:29:23,698 ( chatter continues ) 722 00:29:26,769 --> 00:29:28,435 ( car horn honking ) 723 00:29:32,941 --> 00:29:35,209 - Paula: So, are you nervous? - A little. 724 00:29:35,211 --> 00:29:37,344 Oh, well, don't worry. I'll take care of everything. 725 00:29:37,346 --> 00:29:39,346 - You just lay back and relax. - Okay. 726 00:29:39,348 --> 00:29:41,681 - ( chuckles ) - I like your dress. 727 00:29:41,683 --> 00:29:44,518 Aw, thanks! I got it at Saks Fifth Avenue. 728 00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:46,887 - Oh, that-- that's a nice store. - Mm-hmm. 729 00:29:46,889 --> 00:29:48,822 Take your clothes off, Kenny. 730 00:29:48,824 --> 00:29:50,357 You know, Mary, she's with this guy, 731 00:29:50,359 --> 00:29:52,626 he's bald with glasses-- he looks just like me! 732 00:29:52,628 --> 00:29:54,895 She said I wasn't her type. 733 00:29:54,897 --> 00:29:57,697 Unbelievable. And now Ted-- 734 00:29:57,699 --> 00:30:00,033 Ted's going out with Cheryl. 735 00:30:00,035 --> 00:30:04,337 - What about that? - Well, you haven't been married to her in a long time. 736 00:30:04,339 --> 00:30:05,605 There's nothing wrong with that! 737 00:30:05,607 --> 00:30:07,240 Would you do something like that? 738 00:30:07,242 --> 00:30:09,475 You wanna go out with Cheryl, you do it behind my back. 739 00:30:09,477 --> 00:30:11,477 - You'd never know. - That's the way to do it. 740 00:30:11,479 --> 00:30:13,580 Yeah. I called Cheryl. 741 00:30:14,883 --> 00:30:16,750 - I called her twice. - For what? 742 00:30:16,752 --> 00:30:18,852 Just to talk to her and see how she was doing, 743 00:30:18,854 --> 00:30:21,888 and shopping tips and stuff like that. 744 00:30:21,890 --> 00:30:24,057 - We had a cup of coffee. - You're kidding. 745 00:30:24,059 --> 00:30:26,726 - Two movies. - What?! 746 00:30:26,728 --> 00:30:28,261 A walk in the park. 747 00:30:28,263 --> 00:30:30,496 Yeah, well, it's not a big deal. 748 00:30:30,498 --> 00:30:31,497 One dinner. 749 00:30:31,499 --> 00:30:32,866 I went behind your back! 750 00:30:32,868 --> 00:30:34,767 It's the only way to go! 751 00:30:34,769 --> 00:30:36,502 - Yeah, that's true. - ( Paula giggling ) 752 00:30:36,504 --> 00:30:40,339 Boy, Kenny sounds like he's having some fun. 753 00:30:40,341 --> 00:30:41,941 Tough to listen to, though. 754 00:30:41,943 --> 00:30:43,709 - ( Kenny moans ) - Oh, my God. 755 00:30:43,711 --> 00:30:48,514 Oh, I got a-- I got a Skype thing with the Iranian consul guy. 756 00:30:49,650 --> 00:30:50,849 I'll see you later. 757 00:30:50,851 --> 00:30:52,851 I'm not staying here by myself. 758 00:30:54,489 --> 00:30:55,888 ( door opens ) 759 00:30:57,358 --> 00:30:59,592 ( door closes ) 760 00:30:59,594 --> 00:31:02,328 Mr. David, at last we meet face-to-face. 761 00:31:02,330 --> 00:31:04,363 Heh-hey! Hey, look at this! 762 00:31:04,365 --> 00:31:06,098 Modern technology, sir. 763 00:31:06,100 --> 00:31:09,033 What-- what exactly does a consul do? It's a... 764 00:31:09,035 --> 00:31:11,769 Let's just say if you wanted to come to Iran one day and visit, 765 00:31:11,771 --> 00:31:13,705 you would be going through myself. 766 00:31:13,707 --> 00:31:16,141 I'm not setting foot in that place, with all due respect. 767 00:31:16,143 --> 00:31:17,809 Not gonna set foot there. 768 00:31:18,945 --> 00:31:20,645 Excuse me. 769 00:31:22,116 --> 00:31:24,516 - What is that? - A cookie. 770 00:31:24,518 --> 00:31:26,551 What are you using, tongs? 771 00:31:26,553 --> 00:31:28,620 Yes. We use tongs. 772 00:31:28,622 --> 00:31:32,157 - In fact, we invented the tong. - Okay. 773 00:31:32,159 --> 00:31:33,992 All right, Mr. Consul, 774 00:31:33,994 --> 00:31:35,860 let's, uh-- let's not go crazy here. 775 00:31:35,862 --> 00:31:37,829 You invented the tong. I don't think so. 776 00:31:37,831 --> 00:31:40,398 I don't see Iran as the tong inventor. 777 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,566 Mr. David, I have a very busy agenda today. 778 00:31:42,568 --> 00:31:44,301 Please let me know how I can help you. 779 00:31:44,303 --> 00:31:48,072 Well, um, you're aware of my situation, of course, 780 00:31:48,074 --> 00:31:51,542 and I was hoping beyond hope 781 00:31:51,544 --> 00:31:55,546 that somehow you could perhaps 782 00:31:55,548 --> 00:31:58,783 put in a good word for me, 783 00:31:58,785 --> 00:32:02,319 tell the ayatollah how profoundly sorry I am 784 00:32:02,321 --> 00:32:04,388 for what I did and said and... 785 00:32:04,390 --> 00:32:07,224 Mr. David, you have come to the right person 786 00:32:07,226 --> 00:32:09,794 because-- I tell you this in confidence-- 787 00:32:09,796 --> 00:32:12,096 I am a huge fan of your work. 788 00:32:12,098 --> 00:32:14,999 I have watched every episode of "Seinfeld." 789 00:32:15,001 --> 00:32:16,900 ( gasps ) 790 00:32:16,902 --> 00:32:19,970 This is-- this is really, truly remarkable. 791 00:32:19,972 --> 00:32:21,972 Is that so? What's your favorite episode? 792 00:32:21,974 --> 00:32:23,540 ( chuckles ) 793 00:32:23,542 --> 00:32:25,909 Isn't everybody's favorite episode the puffy shirt? 794 00:32:25,911 --> 00:32:27,343 It's unbelievable! 795 00:32:27,345 --> 00:32:29,646 I also love the one with the close talker. 796 00:32:29,648 --> 00:32:31,081 Ugh, oh, my God! 797 00:32:31,083 --> 00:32:33,583 I must tell you something, Mr. David. 798 00:32:33,585 --> 00:32:36,853 The ayatollah himself is a bit of a close talker. 799 00:32:36,855 --> 00:32:38,722 - Is that so? - Yes! 800 00:32:38,724 --> 00:32:41,491 Oh, I wouldn't wanna get too close to that guy, to tell you the truth. 801 00:32:41,493 --> 00:32:43,060 It doesn't look like he's popping Life Savers 802 00:32:43,062 --> 00:32:44,828 in his mouth all day long, you know? 803 00:32:44,830 --> 00:32:46,629 Ah, yes, well... 804 00:32:46,631 --> 00:32:48,464 - Okay. - Paula: All right. 805 00:32:48,466 --> 00:32:49,799 Paula: Okay, oh, yeah! 806 00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:51,067 Come on. Come on, honey! 807 00:32:51,069 --> 00:32:52,634 You can do it, you can do it! 808 00:32:52,636 --> 00:32:54,303 - Come on, come on! - ( Kenny screams ) 809 00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:56,806 - ( both moaning ) - I'm coming, Larry! 810 00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:58,674 Paula: Oh, God, you're so good! 811 00:32:58,676 --> 00:33:00,642 - Larry! - ( Paula screams ) 812 00:33:00,644 --> 00:33:02,444 I am very confident that we can 813 00:33:02,446 --> 00:33:04,580 accomplish something here together. 814 00:33:04,582 --> 00:33:07,149 Thank you so much. I'm so appreciative and-- 815 00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:09,618 - ( Paula screaming ) - Uncle Marty, Uncle Marty! 816 00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:11,253 What the-- oh! 817 00:33:11,255 --> 00:33:12,387 Oh, my God! 818 00:33:12,389 --> 00:33:14,090 - Oh, no! - What is that? 819 00:33:14,092 --> 00:33:15,524 Oh, oh! No! 820 00:33:15,526 --> 00:33:18,260 No, no! Swat, Swat! Not her, not her! 821 00:33:18,262 --> 00:33:20,329 Just get rid of the Muslims! 822 00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:24,933 ( stammering ) No, it's a game! 823 00:33:24,935 --> 00:33:27,602 That's a game! Mr. Consul! 824 00:33:27,604 --> 00:33:29,570 ( screams ) 825 00:33:29,572 --> 00:33:36,245 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com