1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,921 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:07,965 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:11,802 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:14,847 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,309 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,604 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,322 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,742 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,411 ANNOUNCER: Coming this winter: actors who don't look familiar 12 00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:39,580 in shows you're pretty sure you've never heard of 13 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:42,083 on networks you've definitely never heard of. 14 00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:45,253 First, it's The Marriage Man on Geego Audience Prime Plus. 15 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,088 Then Frenemy on Goldstar. 16 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:49,840 And don't forget The J. Tory Hampton Show on Traxx. 17 00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:51,509 Lump Monkeys on Forge. 18 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,511 Comeuppance on LFR America. 19 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,513 Tattle Babies on Blitz Kids. 20 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,807 And Snapchatters on Perspire. 21 00:00:57,808 --> 00:00:59,976 Who's watching them? Probably no one. 22 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,310 Are they comedies or dramas? 23 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,687 We're not even sure. 24 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:03,980 Turn your office watercooler 25 00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,856 into a modern-day Tower of Babel. 26 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:07,441 - The Marriage Man! - Lump Monkeys! 27 00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:09,318 - The J. Tory Hampton Show! - Lump Monkeys! 28 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:10,528 (SHOUTING CONTINUES) 29 00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,113 Gay Paree! 30 00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:14,156 ANNOUNCER: TV: What a mess. 31 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,538 Hi, everybody. 32 00:01:15,539 --> 00:01:18,703 You know how I've been dieting like a maniac the last couple weeks? 33 00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,997 Aw, damn it, that means we're having people over. 34 00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:23,459 We're having people over! 35 00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:25,334 I just got off the phone with my mom, 36 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,962 and all the Pewterschmidts are coming here for Thanksgiving. 37 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:30,339 I can't believe you invited the whole family. 38 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,966 You know I hate big Thanksgivings. 39 00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:33,718 Don't worry, Peter, it's gonna be fun. 40 00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:35,678 And I can handle most of the prep myself. 41 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,471 I just need you to go to the market 42 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,098 and get some extra napkins. 43 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,018 - That's not so bad. - Oh. Pick up some wine for the adults. 44 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:43,184 I can do that. 45 00:01:43,185 --> 00:01:45,396 A-And put the extra leaf in the dining room table. 46 00:01:45,397 --> 00:01:47,398 (BLEEP) 47 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:49,483 Oh, stop it. It's so simple. 48 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,902 Yeah, right. That table ain't been opened in five years. 49 00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:54,405 It'll be fine. Just don't drink while you do it. 50 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:57,742 And for God's sake, don't lose your temper with Chris. 51 00:01:57,743 --> 00:02:00,369 All right, one, two, three. 52 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:01,579 Hup! 53 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:02,872 (METAL SCREECHES) 54 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,182 One more time. 55 00:02:04,183 --> 00:02:05,207 Hup! 56 00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,208 (METAL SCREECHES) 57 00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:07,585 Okay, all right, bend the knees. 58 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,045 Let's give it a good pull. 59 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,421 - Hup! - (METAL SCREECHES) 60 00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,256 Yeah, I think one side is stuck. 61 00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:14,383 Do you, son? Okay, on three. 62 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,093 One, two, three. 63 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,345 - Hup! - (METAL SCREECHES) 64 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:19,930 Hup! Hup! 65 00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:22,099 Hup! Hup! Hup! 66 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,226 (BOTH PANTING) 67 00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:26,062 I think it's still stuck. 68 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:27,521 Oh, is that right? 69 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:28,898 Lot of narration. 70 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:31,167 It's like opening a table with Ken Burns. 71 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,195 Um, why don't you go easy on that stuff? 72 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,447 This "stuff" is the only thing stopping you 73 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,616 from getting so karate-chopped right now. 74 00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,284 Okay, big pull, on three. 75 00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:41,952 All right, one, two, three. 76 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:43,079 Hup! 77 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,122 It's this one side, it's just stuck. 78 00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,166 I know it's stuck! 79 00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,792 Everyone sees it's stuck! 80 00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:50,127 Are there voices you're hearing shouting, "It's not stuck"? 81 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,921 'Cause if you hear any argument 82 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,964 from anybody who says it isn't stuck, 83 00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:57,385 you send them to me, and I will so karate-chop them in the face! 84 00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,303 Got it?! 85 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,097 I'm not sure that that's... 86 00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:03,974 What?! What aren't you sure about? 87 00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:04,975 Hup! 88 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:07,561 Hup! Hup! Hup! 89 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,897 Hey, Chris. Table looks stuck. 90 00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:13,184 Oh, really? "Sky blue," says star witness. 91 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:21,117 You know what's crazy about this time of year? 92 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:23,119 Everything is pumpkin spice. 93 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,538 We all follow your Twitter feed, Joe. 94 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,748 God, Thanksgiving is such a pain in the ass. 95 00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:29,413 I hate hosting. 96 00:03:29,414 --> 00:03:31,168 I hear you, Peter. I hate Thanksgiving, too. 97 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:34,296 Bonnie's sister is married to a real show-off. 98 00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:37,341 Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you. 99 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,176 (MOTOR WHIRRING) 100 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:41,429 - Wendell. - COMPUTER VOICE: Joseph. 101 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:44,183 It's just Joe. I think you know that. 102 00:03:44,184 --> 00:03:46,142 My Thanksgiving's also a nightmare. 103 00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:49,854 Donna's cousins are two-thirds of Tony! Toni! Toné! 104 00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,939 - Which ones? - The "E" and the "I." 105 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,691 Aw, no Tony with a "Y." 106 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:54,859 That is correct. 107 00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:57,111 We lack the alpha Tony. 108 00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,196 Well, at least you guys celebrate with your families. 109 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:02,700 Last year I spent Thanksgiving with my old blow-up sex dolls. 110 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,197 Here you go, Carla. 111 00:04:04,198 --> 00:04:06,036 See? We can do other things together. 112 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:08,038 How's the turkey? I made it myself. 113 00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,458 Oh, don't look so surprised. 114 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:11,709 (AIR HISSING) 115 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,210 Ah. Someone's getting sleepy. 116 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,378 Must be the tryptophan. 117 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,046 I'll put a pot of coffee on. 118 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,955 Janet, coffee? Carla, coffee? 119 00:04:17,956 --> 00:04:19,967 Dina, coffee? Sasha, coffee? 120 00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:21,677 Dad, coffee? 121 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,430 I wish I had given you more siblings, Glenn. 122 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,640 You know, sometimes I envy the guys in the town jail. 123 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,476 They get a turkey dinner on Quahog 124 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:31,060 and don't have the hassle of hosting their families. 125 00:04:31,061 --> 00:04:32,730 Well, yeah, but they're in prison. 126 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:35,954 Nah, jail isn't prison. Prison is big and scary. 127 00:04:35,955 --> 00:04:38,724 Jail is just a sleeping deputy with keys that can be grabbed 128 00:04:38,725 --> 00:04:41,945 by a long broom handle or a mischievous dog. 129 00:04:41,946 --> 00:04:43,657 Do black people ever go to jail? 130 00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:45,534 No. They go to prison. 131 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:48,078 Well, maybe going to jail is what we should do. 132 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,920 - Peter, that's ridiculous. - H-H-Hear me out, hear me out. 133 00:04:50,921 --> 00:04:54,418 We'll commit a small crime and get put in jail for a couple days. 134 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,545 - That's insane! - Peter, Peter, you're crazy! 135 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,130 - Ridiculous! - Lump Monkeys! 136 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,341 - Have you lost your mind? - Lump Monkeys! 137 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,343 All right, Joe, there's chaos at the top. 138 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,386 Time to step up and be the leader 139 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,347 - of this group of friends. - PETER: Lump Monkeys! 140 00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:08,820 Guys, what if we all go to Vermont? 141 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,103 Let's just do Peter's thing. 142 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:15,606 Okay, if we want to get arrested, 143 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:18,025 the best way to do it is to get caught on the Ring app 144 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,777 stealing people's packages. 145 00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,863 (NO AUDIO) 146 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:45,469 I forgot to steal the package. 147 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,304 I think this is probably enough. 148 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,307 I don't know exactly what this is, 149 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:52,768 but this... this is crime. 150 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,103 MAN: Swanson! 151 00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,564 Police Superintendent Chalmers. 152 00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:59,650 My brother is superintendent of the schools in Springfield. 153 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:02,486 Our parents divorced when we were very young. 154 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,488 I was raised entirely by our mother, 155 00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:05,739 he by our father. 156 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,742 We've never met. There's a lot of backstory. 157 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:11,203 And you four are under arrest. 158 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,747 (ALL GASP) 159 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,543 I can't believe the plan worked. 160 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:20,297 Here we are, the city jail. 161 00:06:22,714 --> 00:06:24,967 What's going on? Why aren't we stopping? 162 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,344 You guys think you're the first ones to have this idea? 163 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:30,556 The jail's already full of dads getting out of Thanksgiving. 164 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,641 Well, if we're not going to Quahog jail, 165 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,018 where are we going? 166 00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:36,186 The only place where there's room for the weekend: 167 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,647 the state penitentiary. 168 00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:41,442 You guys thinking what I'm thinking? 169 00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:44,028 Wacky mug shot montage. 170 00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:46,030 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 171 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,116 ♪ ♪ 172 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:52,369 Hey, uh, are my friends coming? 173 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,038 No, they're all calling lawyers. 174 00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:57,374 You used your one call on this party photo booth guy. 175 00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:00,003 Eh, we'll see who has more fun this weekend. 176 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,843 ♪ ♪ 177 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,224 Yeah, it just doesn't seem right. 178 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:15,809 We're in here, and everyone on Wall Street 179 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,478 is free as a bird. 180 00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:20,814 Joe, now is not the time for your bland political musings. 181 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,525 This sucks. The courts are closed for Thanksgiving, 182 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,903 which means we can't even go before a judge till Monday. 183 00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:27,696 That's five whole days here. 184 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:29,531 What the hell are we gonna do? 185 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,326 Well, if we're congress, we'll do nothing. 186 00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:35,079 All right, that one was sharp. Good job, Joe. 187 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,373 And you know, maybe-maybe prison won't be so bad. 188 00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:38,874 Maybe we just got to make the best of it. 189 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,292 Like those guys over there. Look. 190 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:43,879 They're playing leapfrog. No one's jumping, though. 191 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,256 And that guy in the back definitely has to get up higher. 192 00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:47,591 Who taught these guys how to play? 193 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:48,967 Peter, please stop watching it. 194 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,637 Guys, I think we're in trouble here. 195 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,846 Come on, we're gonna be fine. 196 00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,765 Joe, you should be more terrified than any of us. 197 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,767 What if someone figures out you're a cop? 198 00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:59,061 It's not gonna happen. I spent years undercover. 199 00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:01,355 I'm a master of disguise. 200 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:02,940 What? You're in a wheelchair. 201 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,692 You can't disguise yourself as anything. 202 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:07,194 (IMITATING CHRIS): Is that so, Dad? 203 00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:09,405 Chris? But that's impossible. 204 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,532 I've seen Chris standing up many times. 205 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,075 (AS CHRIS): Have you? 206 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,369 Hey, Chris, I got two tickets for the Sox. 207 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:18,247 - Want to go? - You got it, Dad. 208 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,207 Oh, charley horse. 209 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,875 Oh, another charley horse, huh? 210 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,252 Well, you sit tight, Chris. 211 00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:25,422 I can just take Joe's brother-in-law Wendell. 212 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,798 COMPUTER VOICE: Christopher. 213 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:31,428 It's just Chris. I think you know that. 214 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,809 The conjugal visit room is being used. 215 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,728 So, does your foot reach? 216 00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,896 Peter, enough. You ruined Thanksgiving. 217 00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:45,275 I have to host 20 people by myself. 218 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,943 - You smoke now? - Yeah. 219 00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,319 I have a husband in prison. 220 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,197 That's who smokes, genius. 221 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,119 Stewie, why do you look like 1976 Elton John? 222 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,912 I'm trying to keep a low profile. 223 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,789 You know that old sitcom premise 224 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,750 where the kid has two dates to the prom? 225 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,168 Well, I, um... 226 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,796 I may sorta, kinda be engaged to four prisoners. 227 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,631 You're what? Stewie, that's crazy. 228 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,425 Oh, relax, Brian, I'm just humoring them. 229 00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:12,509 It's not serious. 230 00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,136 Stewie, don't forget, 231 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,679 we're meeting DJs tomorrow. 232 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,765 Sure thing, Clint. 233 00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,516 His mother thinks it's her wedding. 234 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:20,809 But we'll see. 235 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,352 How did you even meet these guys? 236 00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,104 Easily. They were my pen pals. 237 00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:25,647 You have prison pen pals? 238 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,357 Yes. A lot of people write prisoners. 239 00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,693 Even Hollywood celebrity Kal Penn. 240 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,320 Kal Penn writes a prisoner? 241 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,280 Yeah. Ken. Lives in California. 242 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,282 You've never heard of Kal Penn's pen pal Ken 243 00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:36,492 in the Cal pen? 244 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,202 How could I possibly have heard of Kal Penn's 245 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,453 pen pal Ken in the Cal pen? 246 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,038 Through this song. 247 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:43,457 ♪ Well, I do get a yen every now and then ♪ 248 00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:45,459 ♪ To pick up a pen, like my pal Kal Penn ♪ 249 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,085 ♪ And a note I will send every now and again ♪ 250 00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:49,588 ♪ To my pal Big Ben who is locked in the pen ♪ 251 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,381 ♪ 'Cause he beat up some men and he got five to ten ♪ 252 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,716 ♪ And he'll do it again ♪ 253 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:53,717 ♪ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah ♪ 254 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,010 ♪ Kal Penn. ♪ 255 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,054 - Who was that for? - What are you talking about? 256 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,597 Phil Spector's in this prison. 257 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,892 Kid, I know talent and shooting waitresses in the mouth, 258 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,352 and you've got talent. 259 00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:04,982 We're gonna make a record. 260 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,153 ♪ ♪ 261 00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,787 God, every crevice of this prison is terrifying. 262 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,205 Eh, it's not so bad. 263 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,499 I made one-eye contact with Bill Cosby. 264 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,334 Well, well, well. 265 00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:30,087 Three "wells" is never a good sign. 266 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,838 - I think you guys have our lunches. - Called it. 267 00:10:32,839 --> 00:10:34,675 Uh, sorry, sir. We don't want any trouble. 268 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,593 Yeah, we-we'll sit somewhere else. 269 00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:38,262 Come on, guys, let's avoid confrontation. 270 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:39,555 And whatever happens, 271 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,598 let's make sure we're not goaded into fights 272 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,725 by simple playground taunts. 273 00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,563 Damn. I was hoping for chicken. 274 00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:51,233 Nobody calls me chicken. 275 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,111 - Peter, no! - (BLOWS LANDING) 276 00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,614 Aw, damn it, I lost a front tooth. 277 00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,700 Well, hopefully in the prison yearbook 278 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,744 I'll just look like a cute kindergartner. 279 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,870 PETER (READING): Mad Dog, next time, I'm asking 280 00:11:07,871 --> 00:11:10,288 for the "top bunk". 281 00:11:10,289 --> 00:11:13,091 LOL. Love Pete. 282 00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:18,802 I'm starving. 283 00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,304 We haven't eaten since we got here. 284 00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,598 That's 'cause other prisoners keep taking our meals. 285 00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,433 And God knows what else they're gonna do to us. 286 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,934 We have three more days here, 287 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,603 and we're not gonna survive three more minutes. 288 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,062 That's 'cause you don't have a gang 289 00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:30,939 - to protect you. - A gang? 290 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,983 Yeah, when you're in a gang, no one will mess with you. 291 00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,819 That's why everyone joins one. 292 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,153 I used to be in a gang. 293 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,238 It was called the Republican party. 294 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,487 Our friend is very political. 295 00:11:40,488 --> 00:11:42,409 So, how do we get into one of these gangs? 296 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,494 Actually, you guys showed up at the perfect time. 297 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,330 Tomorrow is the start of Prison Rush Week. 298 00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,290 Get in one, and you're home free. 299 00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:50,125 That's a great idea! 300 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,546 Let's celebrate by pretentiously analyzing some prison wine. 301 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,632 (SNIFFS) 302 00:11:56,633 --> 00:12:00,469 Okay, I'm getting notes of, um... 303 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,472 uh, well, feces. 304 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,939 ♪ ♪ 305 00:12:12,813 --> 00:12:14,691 Man, getting in a gang 306 00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,276 is gonna be harder than I thought. 307 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,070 JOE: Speak for yourself, Peter. 308 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,863 What gang is this? 309 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,198 We're the Not Cops. 310 00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:24,284 We're all definitely not cops. 311 00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:25,869 So you think firemen are cool? 312 00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:29,081 Firemen cook spaghetti. 313 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,541 And I think y'all know who I joined. 314 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:33,377 Are you now Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland? 315 00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,712 I am Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland. 316 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:37,798 Hey, you know Muslims can't drink alcohol, right? 317 00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,842 I am Cleveland "Hurricane" Carter. 318 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,220 Well, Quagmire, guess it's just you and me now. 319 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,347 Sorry, Peter, I'm in MS-13. 320 00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:47,057 - What? How? - It was easy. 321 00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,393 - I said I was loco. - Loco! 322 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,019 - Si. - Muy loco. 323 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,479 Well, I can be loco. 324 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,398 I have a teardrop tattoo on my cheek. 325 00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:55,691 Where? I don't see it. 326 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:56,901 Not-not that cheek. 327 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,237 Peter, that's an unwiped watermelon seed. 328 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,823 - Loco? - No. No loco. 329 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,784 Hey, Peter, is that your baby over there? 330 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,707 (DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE) 331 00:13:07,708 --> 00:13:10,247 We want fun. We want upbeat. And for our dance, 332 00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,708 we want "You Belong with Me" by Taylor Swift. 333 00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:15,210 Great, great. I also have some more classic options, 334 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,546 - like "At Last." - (CHUCKLES) Okay. 335 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:21,258 So... so, what I need is someone I can work with. 336 00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,845 Can you be that person? 337 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,681 ♪ ♪ 338 00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,726 There you guys are. I haven't seen you all day. 339 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,020 Me and the Not Cops were watching Die Hard 340 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,771 and not commenting 341 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:37,024 on the believability of the police work. 342 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,568 Could John McClane really foil a giant heist 343 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:41,778 outside his jurisdiction, then just walk away 344 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,447 and do zero paperwork? 345 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,782 We don't know or care, 'cause we're not cops. 346 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,617 And I got my law degree. 347 00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:50,954 I am now Cleveland J. Roman J. Israel, 348 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,540 and I will be wearing wine-colored suits. 349 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,917 - You look crazy. - Well, in his defense, 350 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,128 the movie was set in the '70s, wasn't it? 351 00:13:58,129 --> 00:13:59,629 No, it's modern-day. 352 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,133 Oh, my stars. 353 00:14:01,134 --> 00:14:03,133 All right, everyone, that's lanch. 354 00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:06,037 I mean, lunch. Sorry, it's my first day. 355 00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:08,466 This sucks. 356 00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:10,482 Everyone's eating lanch but me. 357 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,141 I'm never gonna find a gang. 358 00:14:12,142 --> 00:14:14,311 Hey. You look like you could use a friend. 359 00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:16,938 Well, let's just say in prison, 360 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,232 this guy comes off. 361 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,443 I meant my gang. We're looking for members. 362 00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:23,779 - I-I bet you'd fit right in. - Really? 363 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,238 You only have to do one thing first. 364 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,990 As the new white guy in prison, 365 00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,951 you have to shiv the new black guy. 366 00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:34,748 Oh, you guys are that kind of gang. 367 00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:36,204 This is prison. 368 00:14:36,205 --> 00:14:37,957 No one survives on their own. 369 00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:40,501 So it's either him or you. 370 00:14:40,502 --> 00:14:42,339 Man, I don't want to hurt Cleveland. 371 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,925 But I don't want to die. And it would be nice 372 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,636 to have people to go to Smash Mouth concerts with. 373 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,638 Wait, you guys go to Smash Mouth concerts, right? 374 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:52,934 We're Nazis, Peter. We like Smash Mouth. 375 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,398 ♪ ♪ 376 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,359 Come on, there's got to be a way you'll let me in the gang 377 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,819 without shivving Cleveland. 378 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,321 Ooh, ooh, I got an idea. There was this prison movie, 379 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,156 and-and there was this guy who wanted to win over 380 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,117 the other prisoners, and you know what he did? 381 00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:12,786 He ate seven eggs. It was amazing. 382 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,121 So, you bring me seven 383 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,039 or some other reasonable amount of eggs... 384 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,624 Peter, I know it's 50 eggs. 385 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,167 Ah, you're a film buff. 386 00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:22,879 Yeah. Before this, I was in the USC directors program. 387 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,214 Well, if you can call it that. 388 00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:25,841 You think you're learning about film, 389 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:28,635 but, really, you're getting a degree in politics. 390 00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,387 (SCOFFS) I know, everything is so political. 391 00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,722 So political. Best advice I ever got: 392 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:35,016 whatever business you think you work in, 393 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,309 you really work in sales. 394 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,311 Because you're always selling yourself. 395 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,313 Yeah, wow, that is... that is good. 396 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,899 - You are smart. - Well, I didn't say it. 397 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,401 - I'm just repeating it. - Well, still, 398 00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:45,861 y-you recognized its value. 399 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,655 That-That's not nothing. 400 00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,742 Well, we're so happy you're all here. 401 00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:54,411 We thought it might be fun 402 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:57,247 to kick things off with a game of Heads Up! 403 00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:58,915 - Daddy, do you want to start? - No. 404 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,750 You just hold this up to your head, 405 00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:03,920 and then we're gonna give you clues to help you guess it. 406 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,672 I only like games with sticks. 407 00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,174 Okay, ready? 408 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,634 Go. 409 00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:11,970 (CHUCKLES): Okay. It's a show. 410 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,054 Annie Get Your Gun. 411 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,181 No, it's on TV. 412 00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,707 Oh. Poirot? 413 00:16:16,708 --> 00:16:18,521 What is that? I've never heard of that. 414 00:16:18,522 --> 00:16:21,104 Uh, it's a Belgian detective on PBS. 415 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,480 We just love it. 416 00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:25,567 It's about seven castaways. There's a professor 417 00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,736 a-and a millionaire a-and a movie star. 418 00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:28,737 - Poirot! - No. 419 00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:30,197 We already said it's not Poirot. 420 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,532 It's about people who took a three-hour tour. 421 00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,117 No, it's not. It's about a Belgian detective. 422 00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:35,368 It's on PBS. 423 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:38,205 The title character is played by Bob Denver. 424 00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:40,707 - It's pronounced "David Suchet." - Who's that? 425 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,710 - I'm gonna guess Poirot. - It's not Poirot! 426 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,338 Damn it, just pass! 427 00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,424 Okay, this is a movie... 428 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,301 Roman J. Israel, Esq. 429 00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:52,553 ALL: Yay! 430 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,314 ♪ ♪ 431 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,317 Come on, Peter, it's him or you. 432 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,402 And-and he's not so great. 433 00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:10,737 Don't forget, he's the one who told you 434 00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,489 all those Schoolhouse Rock! Spoilers. 435 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,574 I had no idea that bill would become a law. 436 00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:16,117 - (SCREAMS) - Sorry, Peter. 437 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,577 My gang said I wasn't really loco 438 00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:18,995 unless I shivved someone, 439 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:21,748 and you're the one guy without gang protection, so... 440 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,291 - (SCREAMS) - Sorry, Quagmire. 441 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,961 As a Not Cop, I have to shiv a guy in the Latin gang 442 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:28,171 and then blame it on Cleve... (SCREAMS) 443 00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,131 No one made me do this. 444 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,052 I'm just sick of your overt racism. 445 00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:37,305 Guys, guys, stop. 446 00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,015 Stop. Look at us. 447 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:41,518 We're shivving each other on Thanksgiving. 448 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,353 Oh, wait, no one shivved Cleveland. 449 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:44,521 (SCREAMS) 450 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,189 But what are we doing? 451 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,440 What are all of us doing? 452 00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,651 Fighting in here amongst ourselves 453 00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:51,987 while Brooks is out there waiting for all of us, 454 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,154 bagging groceries, 455 00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:55,448 adapting to this new world seamlessly... 456 00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:56,783 (WHISPERS): Brooks hung himself. 457 00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,159 Oh, my stars. 458 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,703 The point is, in life, 459 00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,539 you need to be thankful for what you have. 460 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:05,744 I wasn't, and it got me in here. 461 00:18:05,745 --> 00:18:09,655 I let down my family, especially my wife. 462 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,470 I just wish she was here so I could tell her I'm sorry. 463 00:18:12,471 --> 00:18:14,077 LOIS: I am here, Peter. 464 00:18:14,078 --> 00:18:16,511 Not now, prison ladyboy who talks like my wife 465 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,887 to please me sexually. 466 00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,890 LOIS: No, Peter, we're here. 467 00:18:21,390 --> 00:18:23,737 Lois! What are you doing here? 468 00:18:23,738 --> 00:18:25,747 I thought you were having Thanksgiving with your parents. 469 00:18:25,748 --> 00:18:27,897 Chris got caught watching cousin Katie pee, 470 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,482 so that kind of ended things. 471 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,401 Well, I wanted to get caught. That's... 472 00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:33,153 It's part of it. 473 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:36,364 And the truth is, Peter, we're not a family without you. 474 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,189 Can you ever forgive me? 475 00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:40,491 Of course I can, Peter. 476 00:18:40,492 --> 00:18:43,413 - (IN LOIS' VOICE): Hi, Peter. - Who's your little friend? 477 00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:44,748 Not now, Prison Lois. 478 00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,457 So it's over? 479 00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,002 And what was Venice? 480 00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:49,744 Same thing it always was, babe: 481 00:18:49,745 --> 00:18:51,921 a dream we both wanted to believe. 482 00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:54,927 (CRYING) 483 00:18:54,928 --> 00:18:57,969 - Peter, who was that? - Not now, Front-Sex Lois. 484 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,555 The important thing is, my days of selfishness 485 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,776 and red-wig twinks are over. 486 00:19:02,777 --> 00:19:04,893 I'm ready to come home with you. 487 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:06,995 But, Peter, you're in here till next week. 488 00:19:06,996 --> 00:19:08,772 MAN: Not anymore. 489 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,451 Hi, I'm the warden 490 00:19:10,452 --> 00:19:12,275 and definitely not a psychotic prisoner 491 00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:14,844 who just stabbed the warden and stole his clothes. 492 00:19:14,845 --> 00:19:17,072 Shh, shh! Everyone, the warden's talking. 493 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,282 By the rules of prison and The Love Boat, 494 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,784 you've made up, 495 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:24,544 which means you get to leave wiser and happier. 496 00:19:35,153 --> 00:19:36,853 I love you, Lois. 497 00:19:36,854 --> 00:19:38,386 I love you, Peter. 498 00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:44,791 Hey, Lois, one day, let's go to Venice. 499 00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:48,104 - You promise? - I said it, didn't I? 500 00:19:49,145 --> 00:19:50,676 Donna! 501 00:19:50,677 --> 00:19:52,774 - Bonnie! - Sex doll! 502 00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:55,819 - Oh, yeah! - (CHEERING AND WHOOPING) 503 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:58,614 (CHUCKLES): All right, guys, settle down. 504 00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:07,080 Well, we're certainly glad to have you home, Peter, 505 00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,623 but I hope you learned your lesson. 506 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,785 I learned a hard lesson, Lois. 507 00:20:10,786 --> 00:20:12,253 But it's not all bad. 508 00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,087 I got to make a license plate for our car 509 00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:17,019 - that says "butthole." - Isn't that too many letters? 510 00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:19,335 Excellent question, Chris, and yes, it is. 511 00:20:19,336 --> 00:20:22,011 But I took off a "T" and the "E" at the end. 512 00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:23,732 I felt that was the right way to go. 513 00:20:23,733 --> 00:20:25,724 Trust me, people will get it. 514 00:20:27,139 --> 00:20:28,560 What's buthol? 515 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,687 - PETER: That's not how you say it. - Yeah, I've heard of buthol. 516 00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:32,355 It's some kind of alternative fuel. 517 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,732 PETER: You're ruining a smart joke. 518 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,192 DJ: Ladies and gentlemen, 519 00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:38,736 please welcome, for the first time, 520 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:40,780 Mr. and Mrs. Clint Beltran! 521 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,157 ("AT LAST" BY ETTA JAMES PLAYING) 522 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:44,826 (GUESTS CHEER) 523 00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:47,913 ♪ At last... ♪ 524 00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:50,874 Hey! 525 00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:52,501 You were right. 526 00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:54,498 ♪ My love ♪ 527 00:20:54,499 --> 00:20:57,006 ♪ Has come along. ♪