1 00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:04,797 ADULT SHELDON: A few times a year, there was a dedicated day 2 00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:06,841 where my school was closed. 3 00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:08,926 This allowed the teachers to catch up 4 00:00:09,093 --> 00:00:10,803 on their administrative duties. 5 00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:13,556 While I was normally against a break from learning, 6 00:00:13,723 --> 00:00:16,517 I did applaud the Medford faculty's commitment 7 00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,561 - to our education. - Oh, man. 8 00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:21,689 - How great is this place without kids in it? - [laughs] I heard that. 9 00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:24,275 ADULT SHELDON: On one of those days, I got to spend time 10 00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:25,693 with my mom at herjob. 11 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:26,940 SHELDON: Did you write that? 12 00:00:27,028 --> 00:00:29,030 - You betcha. - Instead of puns, 13 00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:31,866 have you considered composing a humorous palindrome? 14 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,036 It's a phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards. 15 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,747 For example, "Do geese see God?" 16 00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:41,000 Trust me. Both ways. 17 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:43,294 Come inside. 18 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:46,922 SHELDON: Some other good ones are radar, level, kayak. 19 00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:48,799 That's a funny word. Kayak. 20 00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:50,176 Never get me in one. 21 00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:52,803 So what's the plan? 22 00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:54,374 How will I be entertained all day? 23 00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,515 I thought you could be my little helper. 24 00:00:56,932 --> 00:00:59,518 I prefer executive assistant. Carries more weight. 25 00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:02,855 Fine. You stay here. I'm gonna go talk to Pastor Jeff. 26 00:01:03,773 --> 00:01:05,274 - Mom. - What? 27 00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:08,069 "Mom" is also a palindrome. M-O-M. 28 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:13,824 Good morning, Peg. 29 00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:17,078 Any morning you wake up is a good morning. [coughs] 30 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:18,578 Okay. 31 00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,539 [wheezing] 32 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,458 - [knocking on door] - Come in. 33 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,960 Good morn... oh, it's dark in here. 34 00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:26,545 Uh-huh. 35 00:01:27,505 --> 00:01:28,589 Everything okay? 36 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,466 Mm-hmm. 37 00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:33,302 I need you to use your words. 38 00:01:35,513 --> 00:01:37,223 My marriage is over. 39 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:38,849 Mm-hmm... 40 00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:42,269 ♪♪ Vaya con Dios ♪♪ 41 00:01:42,478 --> 00:01:44,313 ♪♪ My darling... ♪♪ 42 00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:47,733 ♪♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪♪ 43 00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:50,611 ♪♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪♪ 44 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:53,155 ♪♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪♪ 45 00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:56,242 ♪♪ I am a mighty little man ♪♪ 46 00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:59,745 ♪♪ I am a mighty little man ♪♪ 47 00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:04,250 We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. 48 00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:07,962 In the '50s, people had separate beds. 49 00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:10,673 Lucy and Ricky did it. Their marriage worked. 50 00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:15,094 I... I'm sure it's just a rough patch. 51 00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:17,429 Boy, I hope so. 52 00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:20,391 Well, if there's any way I can make your life easier, 53 00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:21,559 you let me know. 54 00:02:22,268 --> 00:02:24,520 Thank you, Mary. I really appreciate it. 55 00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:30,025 Oh, I almost forgot, um, Sheldon's here with me today. 56 00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:31,735 Great. 57 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,545 Hey, little man. How you doing? 58 00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:51,547 You smell like cigarettes. 59 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:53,299 You're fun. 60 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,092 Do you know what this binder is? 61 00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:59,096 It's a record of donations people make to the church. 62 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,015 This data could easily be transferred 63 00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:02,474 into a computerized spreadsheet. 64 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:03,642 Why isn't it? 65 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:04,852 No idea. 66 00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,230 You also smell like mothballs and Ben-Gay. 67 00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:11,275 Bye. 68 00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:17,615 I hope you don't mind, I invited Pastor Jeff for dinner. 69 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:18,908 That's fine. 70 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,367 I was talking to your father. 71 00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:21,619 What's the occasion? 72 00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:24,663 No occasion, just thought it'd be nice. 73 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,081 His wife coming, too? 74 00:03:26,749 --> 00:03:27,917 No. Just him. 75 00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:29,334 They having problems? 76 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,170 He's just coming to dinner. That's all. 77 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:32,838 You two having problems? 78 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:34,924 - Are we? - No. 79 00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:38,260 Pastor Jeff's wife is so much prettier than him. 80 00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:40,054 It's like Barbie married a turtle. 81 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:42,723 Hey. Here's a fun idea: 82 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,350 How about you and Sheldon have dinner 83 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,435 - at Meemaw's tonight? - All right. 84 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:48,997 [quietly] They are a weird-looking couple. 85 00:03:49,021 --> 00:03:50,439 You want to eat at my mom's, too? 86 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,608 Oh, come on. You got eyes. 87 00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:59,240 Pastor, would you like to lead us in grace? 88 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:00,699 I'd be honored. 89 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,870 Heavenly Father, thank you for this food. 90 00:04:05,204 --> 00:04:07,998 I pray that it nourishes and strengthens us, 91 00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:10,292 and bless Mary for preparing it. 92 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,461 [crying] And thank you for the Coopers 93 00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:16,382 who have invited me into their loving home. 94 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:20,094 They are a shining example 95 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:22,763 of what a marriage can be. 96 00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:27,476 One that I hope to have again someday. 97 00:04:28,644 --> 00:04:30,479 - Amen. - And please give me the strength... 98 00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:31,689 [whispers] Sorry. 99 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,941 The strength to walk this road 100 00:04:34,108 --> 00:04:38,445 with unconditional love and joy in my heart. 101 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:39,947 Amen. 102 00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:41,073 - Amen. - Amen. 103 00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:42,324 [sniffles] 104 00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:45,828 Well, let's eat! 105 00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,291 - Cheers. - Cheers. 106 00:04:50,708 --> 00:04:52,126 - Cheers. - Cheers. 107 00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:55,004 Dang, this place is nice. 108 00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,756 That's because it was supposed to be a date. 109 00:04:58,173 --> 00:04:59,675 Cool. My first date. 110 00:05:00,009 --> 00:05:02,052 Meemaw, I've been going through the church records, 111 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:04,763 and I noticed you haven't made a donation in quite a long time. 112 00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,099 Why are you going through the records? 113 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,018 I'm an executive assistant. 114 00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:10,769 - Good for you. - MEEMAW: You see, 115 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:13,480 God and I have a deal. And when he helps me win big 116 00:05:13,731 --> 00:05:15,649 at the casino, I give him a cut. 117 00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:17,318 And lately, he has not been holding up 118 00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:18,652 his part of the bargain. 119 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:22,740 "Steak aw poyver with fritties"? 120 00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:24,408 - It's French. - Oh. 121 00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:25,826 What's a crock monster? 122 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,661 It's a croque monsieur, 123 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:31,540 and it's really just a grilled cheese sandwich with ham. 124 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,292 I want that. 125 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:36,211 [gags] There's lemon in this water. 126 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:47,848 So, uh, who do you think the Oilers 127 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,141 are gonna take in the draft? 128 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,518 Oh, I don't really follow sports. 129 00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,396 I'm just gonna eat. 130 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:55,522 [door opens] 131 00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,486 What's he doing here? Y'all getting a divorce? 132 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,280 No. No, he's just here for dinner. 133 00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:06,700 Oh. Welcome, Your Holiness. 134 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,079 I thought you were hanging out with Veronica tonight. 135 00:06:10,788 --> 00:06:12,708 We were supposed to, but then she invited a bunch 136 00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,291 of her choir friends over, 137 00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:16,460 and it turned into a stupid Bible study. 138 00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:18,670 - No offense. - None taken. 139 00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:20,148 - Hmm. - GEORGE JR.: Honestly, 140 00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:22,049 I do not understand the female mind. 141 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:23,634 [quietly] Do something. 142 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,345 Georgie, why don't you go eat dinner in front of the TV? 143 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,390 No, it's all right. Sounds like Georgie's having trouble 144 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,183 navigating the perilous waters 145 00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:32,643 of a relationship. 146 00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:34,937 Believe me, I can understand. 147 00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:37,398 You having problems with your hot wife? 148 00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:42,277 Maybe I'll go eat by the TV. 149 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,575 I'm liking my crock monster. 150 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,077 Mmm. Me, too. 151 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:52,413 I can't taste anything after the lemon water. 152 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,915 I'm glad y'all are having a good time. 153 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,083 You're welcome. 154 00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,477 Where are we having dinner tomorrow? 155 00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:58,669 Nowhere. 156 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,922 Dr. Sturgis and I are going to Louisiana, do a little gambling. 157 00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:04,383 So a donation could be forthcoming? 158 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:05,592 Don't jinx me. 159 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,929 It's my first time going to a casino. 160 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:12,391 It's amazing. There's bright lights and bells and buzzers 161 00:07:12,558 --> 00:07:13,559 and people yelling. 162 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,102 BOTH: Ugh. 163 00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:20,274 Veronica says I'm the nicest guy she knows. 164 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:22,443 She also says she only wants to date nice guys. 165 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,921 - Does that mean she wants to date me? - I bet she doesn't. 166 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,156 No, she does not. Doesn't make any sense. 167 00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:29,074 Nothing they do makes any sense. 168 00:07:29,575 --> 00:07:32,077 - GEORGE JR.: I know... - At least he's not crying anymore. 169 00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:34,051 JEFF: Devil's got something to do with it. 170 00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:42,463 Mary, George, I can't thank you enough for this. 171 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:43,714 It was our pleasure. 172 00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:47,176 So, Pastor, are you gonna try 173 00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:48,886 and talk things out with Selena? 174 00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:51,346 Well, we're really not on speaking terms, 175 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,349 so I'll just be heading back to my office, sleep on the couch. 176 00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:57,019 That's ridiculous. He can stay with us, can't he? 177 00:07:57,853 --> 00:08:00,439 Uh, I guess that'd be okay. 178 00:08:00,606 --> 00:08:02,691 - Of course it would. - JEFF: Oh. 179 00:08:02,858 --> 00:08:04,651 I couldn't possibly impose. 180 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,779 GEORGE JR.: Sure you could. In fact, you can take my room. 181 00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:11,158 Well, y'all are too kind. 182 00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:12,493 [door opens] 183 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,203 - Hello. - Oh. 184 00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:15,579 Did y'all have a good time? 185 00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:16,914 - Yes. - It was great. 186 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,541 Oh, Mom, Pastor Jeff is gonna be spending the night. 187 00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,502 If the kids could sleep at your place? 188 00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:23,086 No. Bye. 189 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:35,432 [whispering] George. 190 00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:37,476 [snorts] What? What's wrong? 191 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,728 The pastor's up making tea. 192 00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,105 What, you want me to blow on it? 193 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:43,941 Go talk to him. 194 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:45,317 About what? 195 00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:47,402 [exhales] I don't know. 196 00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:49,279 Maybe you could give him a male perspective 197 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,073 on relationship issues. 198 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,659 How about this? 199 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:56,912 What if I close my eyes and pray on it? 200 00:08:58,288 --> 00:08:59,414 Hey. 201 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,251 Oh, hi. I hope I didn't wake you. 202 00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:06,046 Uh, no, no. Just get... getting some water. 203 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:07,798 [clears throat] 204 00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:10,717 Can I fix you some chamomile? 205 00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:13,262 No, thanks. 206 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:19,226 [sighs] So... 207 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,397 Tough times, huh? 208 00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:25,857 - Yeah. - Yeah. 209 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,248 Hey, uh, does the Bible say anything 210 00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:43,292 about heartache and such? 211 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:47,129 Psalm 147, verse three: "The Lord healeth 212 00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:49,590 the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." 213 00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:52,092 Well, there you go-eth. 214 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,320 Except I'm feeling kicked in the nethers right now, 215 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,888 and he sure is taking his sweet time with the healing. 216 00:09:57,973 --> 00:09:59,933 He takes his sweet time about a lot of things. 217 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,053 Uh, not that I'm complaining. 218 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,856 You know, his will, not mine, etcetera. 219 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,316 [clears throat] 220 00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:14,906 You know, one thing I can say is that 221 00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:19,244 having a happy marriage is... it's hard work. 222 00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,705 Oh, I know. [chuckles] As the pastor, people come to me 223 00:10:21,872 --> 00:10:23,790 with relationship problems all the time. 224 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,418 [chuckles] Bet you hear some juicy ones, huh? 225 00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,378 "Juicy" doesn't begin to describe it. 226 00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:31,340 - Oh... give me a sample. - I can't. 227 00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:35,093 There's strict pastor-flock confidentiality. 228 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:36,428 Sure. Sure. 229 00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,555 - Mm. - [exhales] 230 00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:43,101 Mary doesn't tell you things about us, does she? 231 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,937 I'm... not at liberty to say. 232 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:48,145 But she does, doesn't she? 233 00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:50,192 - Yeah. - Yeah. 234 00:10:57,407 --> 00:11:00,243 These people clearly don't know what ten percent means. 235 00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:01,912 What are you talking about? 236 00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:04,223 This is the list of all the people who belong 237 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,083 to the church and how much money they donate. 238 00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:08,877 Dorothy and Fred Nelson gave a dollar last week. 239 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,463 - So? - They own the Piggly Wiggly. 240 00:11:11,630 --> 00:11:13,256 They can afford to give much more. 241 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:14,549 Weird. 242 00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:17,052 You say "Piggly Wiggly" and suddenly I'm hungry. 243 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,766 Really? You're drinking in the morning now? 244 00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:25,769 What? Oh, look at that. 245 00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:27,354 Felt later. 246 00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,451 Hey, I haven't seen the pastor. He go home? 247 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:32,192 He hasn't come out of Georgie's room. 248 00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:34,444 Maybe he found Georgie's magazines. 249 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,947 He's a man of God. 250 00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,157 You're adorable. 251 00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:46,790 [indistinct chatter] 252 00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:48,583 I have stories. Come back here. 253 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,669 - It's my favorite table. - Oh, hey, Connie. 254 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,254 Hi, Felicia. 255 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:53,630 Chip me for a deuce. 256 00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,299 How's your daughter doing? 257 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:57,592 Oh, surgery went great. 258 00:11:57,718 --> 00:11:58,760 Thanks for asking. 259 00:11:58,844 --> 00:12:00,595 Her daughter got kicked by a horse. 260 00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:03,348 - They had to pin a couple of bones together. - Oh, my. 261 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,225 She won't be stealing any more horses 262 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,518 for a little while. [laughs] 263 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,478 - Your usual, Connie? - Yeah. 264 00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:10,272 John, you want something? 265 00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:12,482 I would like a Fresca, please. 266 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:14,067 - Got it, hon. - MAN: Connie. 267 00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,568 Duke-North Carolina's about to start. Want a piece? 268 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:19,573 Yeah, baby. Give me the points on Duke for a nickel. 269 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,384 - All right. - [laughing] A nickel. 270 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,743 That's a silly bet. 271 00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:24,119 It's 50 bucks. 272 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:27,122 A thousand nickels. Less silly. 273 00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:29,332 I must say, uh... 274 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:32,753 this is a side of you I've never... seen before. 275 00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:34,379 You're all right with it, aren't you? 276 00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:35,630 Oh, sure. 277 00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:38,633 When are you gonna give that man your $50? 278 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,761 Don't worry about it. Hit me. 279 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,429 I'm a little worried. 280 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:43,972 [coins jangling, people cheer] 281 00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:48,310 Pastor Jeff? 282 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:50,312 Everything all right in there? 283 00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:52,314 Oh, yeah. 284 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,691 I've just been praying, napping, crying. 285 00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:56,026 I like to mix it up. 286 00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:57,986 Well, how's it going? 287 00:12:58,695 --> 00:12:59,821 Good, actually. 288 00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:03,492 I have this feeling inside that I should head home. 289 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,871 Well, then you got to honor that feeling. That's God. 290 00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:10,373 You're right. You want to come with? 291 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,709 Do you really want me there 292 00:13:12,876 --> 00:13:14,476 while you patch things up with your wife? 293 00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:17,233 She's less likely to throw any steak knives if we have company. 294 00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:22,010 Um... if you think it'll help, I suppose... 295 00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:23,220 Great, let's hit it. 296 00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:26,515 Oh... 297 00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:29,184 Hello, is this the Nelson residence? 298 00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,520 Oh, good. I'm Sheldon Cooper, 299 00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,271 the executive assistant secretary 300 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,148 at the First Baptist Church of Medford. 301 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,165 I'm looking through our donation records, 302 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,032 and I've noticed that you've tapered off a bit. 303 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:43,573 Well, yes, your children's education is expensive, 304 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,033 but so is running a church. 305 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:46,993 Oh, boy! 306 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,538 I'll be sure to tell the pastor. Goodbye. 307 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,210 That earned a sip of Yoo-hoo. 308 00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,421 Okay. Who's next? 309 00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:01,508 Wendy and Bill Mackenzie. 310 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,426 Of Mackenzie Chevrolet? 311 00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,846 Now those are what we call "deep pockets." 312 00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:10,267 Pat here, double the ten, and split the aces. 313 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,351 Connie. 314 00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:14,521 I found an old-fashioned malt shop where we can 315 00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:17,649 have milkshakes and listen to the jukebox, 316 00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:19,317 like I never did in high school. 317 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,111 Yeah, great. Not now, John. 318 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:24,406 Okay, well, I was just hoping we could do something together. 319 00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:27,617 For God's sake, John. I'm getting my ass kicked here! 320 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,120 I'm sorry. 321 00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:37,961 Oh, Felicia, you're killing me. 322 00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:39,546 [sighs] 323 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,756 Chip me another deuce. 324 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:44,551 [door opens] 325 00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:51,474 Hello? 326 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,226 Selena? 327 00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,022 Ooh. Big TV, fancy. 328 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:04,487 [reading in Spanish] 329 00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:09,409 "Con amor, Selena." 330 00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,202 Which means? 331 00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:15,206 "Life is too short to be married to a loser. 332 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,250 I'm leaving you. 333 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,210 Love, Selena." 334 00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:21,463 "Love, Selena"? 335 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,840 Well, that's kind of a mixed message. 336 00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,467 Yeah. 337 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,641 Oh, I couldn't tell you how much to give. 338 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,768 But I can tell you the Stuckeys stepped up 339 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,478 for a thousand dollars. 340 00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:40,982 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 341 00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,693 Well, you need to give what's comfortable for you. 342 00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:45,820 And of course, I don't need to remind you, 343 00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:47,948 it's entirely tax deductible. 344 00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:53,411 And at the next pancake breakfast, 345 00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,038 you can hold your head high. 346 00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,167 Thank you. That's very generous. 347 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:00,460 Goodbye. 348 00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:04,381 The pancake line closed it. 349 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,466 We are so going to heaven. 350 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:09,344 I don't understand why God would tell me to go home 351 00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:11,096 just to find out my wife left me. 352 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,431 Not that he needs me to defend him, 353 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:16,309 but in God's defense, he didn't say she'd be there. 354 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:20,188 Mary, I hate to say this, but I think it's time 355 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,398 for me to move on. 356 00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,483 I thought even as a teenager, I'd been called 357 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,903 to preach the word of God, but maybe that was just my ego. 358 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:29,030 Maybe I'm not meant to do this. 359 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:33,201 - Don't say that. You're a great preacher. - Thank you. 360 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,954 But it's clear. I need to trod a new path. 361 00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:39,416 Well, what would you do, trodding-wise? 362 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:40,834 I don't know. 363 00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:44,004 Maybe work with my hands amongst men, on an oil rig, 364 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,296 or a fishing trawler. 365 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,717 I also know how to blow glass. 366 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,469 I could turn a pretty penny at swap meets. 367 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,807 - Those all sound like solid options. - Mm-hmm. 368 00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,976 Oh, red light, red light! 369 00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:01,312 [horn blaring] 370 00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:03,023 [siren wailing] 371 00:17:10,155 --> 00:17:11,448 Oh, phooey. 372 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:13,491 Tell you what, Jody. 373 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:16,327 Why don't you go upstairs to your daddy's bedroom, 374 00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,163 and see how much is in his wallet? 375 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:22,709 Don't worry, it's not stealing if it's for God. 376 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:26,004 - What are y'all up to? - Just helping Mom with some church work. 377 00:17:26,838 --> 00:17:28,840 Well, aren't you two great kids. 378 00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:30,425 We like to think so. 379 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:31,968 [chuckles] 380 00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:34,929 Really? That much? 381 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,767 [dice clattering] 382 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,777 I think I need to apologize. 383 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,905 - I know you do. - I'm very sorry. 384 00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:53,962 Sometimes when things aren't going my way, 385 00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,450 I just get a little cranky. 386 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,286 - May I ask you a personal question? - Sure. 387 00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,831 Does your gambling constitute a problem? 388 00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:05,835 Not today. Bam! 389 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:07,045 [both laughing] 390 00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,255 Come on. Let me take you out to dinner. 391 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,132 - [whooping] - [chuckling] 392 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,426 Don't forget that you promised Sheldon 393 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,303 if you won, you'd donate to the church. 394 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,347 You want to see me get cranky again? 395 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,934 - No, I don't. - Well, let's go strap on some bibs and eat lobster. 396 00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:22,143 Whoa! 397 00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,979 So you're over at First Baptist Church, huh? 398 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:26,231 Yes, Officer. 399 00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:27,732 I'm new in this area. 400 00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:29,099 I've been looking for a church. 401 00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:32,612 Well, you're in luck. It's a wonderful congregation, 402 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:35,365 and this man right here is our beloved pastor. 403 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,952 Oh. Are you his wife? 404 00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:42,330 Oh, no, I'm church secretary. He's actually single. 405 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,707 - Well, technically... - He's single. 406 00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,336 Well, I'll try to come by sometime. 407 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,463 Tomorrow's Sunday. He'll be speaking. 408 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,424 All right. Maybe I'll see y'all tomorrow. 409 00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,929 You have a nice day. 410 00:18:58,596 --> 00:18:59,916 Aren't you gonna give me a ticket? 411 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:02,684 Do you want a ticket? 412 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,103 He does not. Thank you, Officer. 413 00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:07,939 [chuckles] 414 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,860 - Pastor? - Yeah? 415 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,760 You were saying you don't understand 416 00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:16,990 why God told you to go home. You get it now? 417 00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:18,449 Think I do. 418 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,331 Welcome, church. 419 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,668 I pray you all had a blessed and prosperous week. 420 00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:31,921 I'm excited to share with you 421 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:35,175 what the Lord put on my heart for today. 422 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:37,093 I'm surprised you're here this morning. 423 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,637 Hey. I got to support my pal. 424 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,557 The renewal of faith is something that happens 425 00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,350 over and over. 426 00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:48,271 - When you have faith... - You need to move fast, Officer. 427 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,356 He's not gonna be on the market for long. 428 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,859 - Roger that. - JEFF: For so many months, 429 00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,278 our little parish has been struggling financially. 430 00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,822 But by the grace of God and his provision, 431 00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:01,910 we have received the most donations in church history! 432 00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:03,828 Praise Jesus! 433 00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:06,956 - ALL: Praise Jesus! - [applause] 434 00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,751 So it's all Jesus? We don't get any credit? 435 00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:12,795 - We need to start our own church. - They don't pay taxes. 436 00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:14,505 It's a very sound business model. 437 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,634 JEFF: Say amen when you get there, huh?