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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Look at this, Brian.
Genderless baby announcement.
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"It's a they."
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Good for they.
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I'm getting my friend
a birthday card in Spanish.
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(LAUGHING):
But he doesn't speak Spanish.
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(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
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Oh-ho-ho-ho, he's not gonna
know what it says.
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- Oh, you're bad.
- I know.
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I think I've earned whatever
misshapen Reese's product
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is by the cashier.
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Oh, my God, Brian, look...
A Fairuza Balk movie.
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- Huh, no way.
- Remember last week when I said,
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"I wonder whatever happened
to Fairuza Balk"?
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- I do.
- And now this.
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The world's crazy.
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This looks terrible.
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You need to get out of here, Brian.
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The urine-soaked hairs
on the end of your penis
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are very off-putting
to the other customers.
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That's not urine, that's saliva.
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Go on, scoot, get out of here!
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Or I'll do the clichéd
pharmacy price check jokes.
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You wouldn't dare.
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(OVER P.A.): Yes, I need a price
check on extra-small condoms.
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WOMAN: (LAUGHS) That's the
last thing he'd want announced.
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(LAUGHING): Oh, my...
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(BOTH GRUNT)
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Can you believe he threw us out?
That's discrimination.
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It's just like what happened to
those blacks at that Starbucks.
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"Those blacks"?
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Discrimination is a scourge, Stewie.
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It just makes me so angry.
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Well, then do something about it.
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You know what?
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I will.
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I'm gonna throw a rock at his window.
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Oh, hey, Karmann Ghia. I like those.
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All right, here we go.
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(GRUNTS)
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Thank you, Brian.
That was the last Munich gunman.
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You're a hero.
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A hero?
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I-I guess I am a hero.
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- Oh, nice! Wonderful!
- Great!
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- Way to go.
- Way to go, doggy!
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We are gonna throw you
the craziest party.
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Do we have a hot two-liter
of closet Pepsi?
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We do, and I can bring Planters peanuts
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that were opened a dozen years ago.
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Perfect. And I have
half a graduation cake
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we just have to let thaw.
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(TO TUNE OF "HAVA NAGILA"):
♪ Party, a Jewish party ♪
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♪ With lots of old food ♪
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♪ In a poorly lit room, oy! ♪
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Oh, my God, Peter, look at this.
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She actually wore this
to an awards ceremony.
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Huh? Oh, yeah, crazy.
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(GASPS) Unreal. Peter, look, look.
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Peter, look, Peter.
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- (SIGHS)
- Flats.
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- Hmm?
- Flats!
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Mm.
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Look at this picture
of Shailene Woodley.
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She's so talented
and overrated and weird.
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I love her. Isn't her haircut cute?
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Maybe I'll get my hair cut short, too.
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Wha... N-No. No way.
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- I forbid it.
- (CHUCKLES): What?
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- You can't forbid that.
- Yes, I can.
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That's the one thing men are
allowed to control about women.
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That and your uterus
and how much money you make
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and also everything else.
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- Peter, that's stupid.
- It's a fact, Lois.
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The only woman that's ever looked good
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with short hair is Halle Berry's boobs.
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Establishing shot.
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- Peter, you can't...
- Establishing shot!
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We're here with local hero
Brian Griffin,
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who recently foiled a robbery
at Goldman's Pharmacy,
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which by the way,
is getting its ass kicked
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by the CVS across the street.
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Welcome, Brian.
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So, what does it feel like to be a hero?
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Well, let me say that
even though I am a hero,
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you don't have to call me one.
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I'm very comfortable
with "first responder"
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or, if you like, "veteran."
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So brave.
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How has this incident changed your life?
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It hasn't. I'm still the same
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humble public servant I've always been.
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But there are perks.
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This morning, I was honored
by a local business.
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(CROWD CHEERS)
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Thank you, Brian.
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And to show our appreciation,
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you get the first meal at Quahog's
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newest Sizzler location!
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Oh. No.
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(CHUCKLES): No, no, no, no, no, no.
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- No.
- That's fair.
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Can you at least read
what's on this card?
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Sure.
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"Sizzler: the worst version
of your favorite meal."
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So, what's next for you, Brian?
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Well, I'll be at
Barnes & Noble this afternoon
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signing copies of Deepak Chopra's
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Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.
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Well, congratulations, Brian,
and thank you for your service.
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Coming up, I get all anxious and weird
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when the new good-looking intern
brings me my coffee.
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And here's Jeremy with my go-go juice.
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Ha-ha.
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-(PHONE DINGS)
-Man, my phone's been
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blowing up since that interview.
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You should hear some of my voice mails.
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MAN: Hello, Brian.
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This is Barack Obama,
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not the hobo who lives at the wharf.
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Um, you did a good job and...
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I-I can't read that.
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BRIAN: "I'm proud of you."
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MAN: I'm proud of you.
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Thanks for the two dollars.
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(GASPS) No way!
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Let's hear the next message.
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MAN 2: Hey, Brian, it's, uh...
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well, it's Shredder.
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Remember me?
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I know it's been a while,
but I saw you on TV
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and I'm just hoping
we could get together.
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I'd love to catch up.
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So, uh, uh, call me back.
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- Oh, my God!
- "Shredder"?
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He sounds like a ski instructor
with a full beard
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who plays average guitar
and never texts me back.
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He's a dog I used to run with
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back when I was living on the street.
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Haven't heard from him in years.
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I'm actually surprised he's still alive.
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He just drank all the time
and tried to get laid.
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Hard to be friends
with someone like that.
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Yes, it is.
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- You gonna see him?
- (PHONE DINGS)
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If I have time.
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Wow, The Rock!
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Boy, they're coming out
of the woodwork today.
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You're angling your phone
so I can't see it.
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"Dwayne Johnson."
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Only his friends know
that's his real name.
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- Still can't see it.
- I'll call him back later.
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Ow!
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Excuse me, sir, but this is
a private residence.
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Peter, it's me.
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I got my hair cut. Isn't it fun?
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What? No, Lois, it's not fun.
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You look like Anne Hathaway
in Les Misera...
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Don't you ever compare me
to (BLEEP) Anne Hathaway.
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- Ever!
- You're right, you're right.
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I'm-I'm sorry.
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With my boobs and your hair,
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everybody's gonna think
we're a lesbian couple.
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Why'd he want to meet in the park?
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We used to live here.
I'm assuming he still does.
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(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
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Brian, ha!
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So good to see you.
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Wha... Shredder?
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Is it really you?
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It's really me.
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I-I don't... What is all this?
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(CHUCKLES) Yeah, sorry about
meeting in the park.
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It's the only place
I can land this thing.
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Uh, Shredder, I think you pinned
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Tom Cruise under your helicopter.
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I was hanging on.
I do all my own stunts.
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I can't stop doing stunts.
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My whole life is a stunt.
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Yeah, yeah, we know.
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(GRUNTING)
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Hey, you want to take
a personality test?
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Same answer as always: no, thank you.
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I'm not gonna stop asking.
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- I know.
- Good to see you, Stewie.
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Good to see you, Tiny Tom Cruise.
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- Thank you.
- He likes to have the last word.
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Be well!
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- See?
- Bye!
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♪ ♪
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Shredder, I-I can't get
my head around all this.
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00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,263
Eh, it took me a while, too, believe me.
202
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,891
And I go by George Townshend now.
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00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,690
Oh, okay, George.
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George Townshend.
205
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,939
- You-you want me to say both?
- I do.
206
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,774
You know how Beyoncé
does the one-name thing?
207
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:06,735
I do a two-name thing.
It's one more than Beyoncé.
208
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:09,781
Why don't you take her name
out of your filthy whore mouth.
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Wow! How'd you get all this?
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00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,077
I worked my ass off.
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00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:18,080
I'm a tech entrepreneur, I've
written 11 best-selling books,
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00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:20,499
and I was the NBC executive
who suggested
213
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,293
we assault the nation
with Chicago-themed programming.
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00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,963
I hear they're working on
Chicago Seinfeld.
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00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:29,133
What's the deal with
the South Side of this town?
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Don't say it, Kramer.
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♪ ♪
218
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(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
219
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So, Brian, do you want to know
how I did all this?
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00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,188
I really do.
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00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,022
I got neutered.
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00:08:46,023 --> 00:08:47,526
(INHALES SHARPLY THROUGH TEETH)
223
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,777
But why?
224
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,863
Getting neutered
eliminated all distractions
225
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,782
and allowed me
to focus solely on my work.
226
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,785
Sometimes you have to
literally cut out the things
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that hold you back.
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Man, with no distractions,
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00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:02,833
I could just spend all day
in here reading.
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00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:06,503
I love that book Charles Dickens
by David Copperfield.
231
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:09,007
Writing was his real magic.
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I just don't understand.
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One minute, I got a hot ginger wife,
234
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,723
and the next I'm married to Ron Weasley.
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Donna wears a wig, so I've
never even seen her real hair.
236
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:23,896
But I would imagine it looks
like an old, faded sweater
237
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,981
that needs to be de-pilled.
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00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,816
I haven't touched
Bonnie's hair in years.
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00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,401
It's way high up there.
240
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Well, since Lois did
something to her appearance
241
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that you don't like,
you should do something
242
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,990
to your appearance
that she doesn't like.
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00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:37,910
Quagmire, that is pathetically
shallow and vindictive.
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I love it!
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00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,163
I'm gonna make myself harder to ignore
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00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:43,205
than an amateur photographer.
247
00:09:43,206 --> 00:09:44,583
Okay, this is hilarious.
248
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,001
So I'm sitting in my office at work
249
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when the fire alarm goes off...
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00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:48,587
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
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00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,005
Um, what-what, what was I saying?
252
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,256
Fire alarm.
253
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:52,841
Right, right, right, okay.
This is so funny.
254
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,343
So, the fire alarm goes off...
255
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:55,719
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
256
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,095
Hey, hey, friend?
257
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,514
Friend? Friend?
258
00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:01,391
Can-can you just... n-not-not right now?
259
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:02,518
Now, where was I?
260
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,020
- Fire alarm at work.
- Oh, right.
261
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,772
You know what? Just forget it.
262
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,900
The punch line is it was 9/11.
263
00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,987
Well, yeah, it's not funny now.
264
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,450
Scoot over, Stewie.
265
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,619
George Townshend was wrong,
and I'm gonna prove it.
266
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,704
I don't need to get neutered
to be productive.
267
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,873
I'm gonna write an inspirational book
268
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,542
about my life, and I'm calling it
269
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,085
The Holy Bri-ble.
270
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,546
- Please don't.
- Here we go, blank page.
271
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:33,007
-(KNUCKLES CRACK)
-World of possibilities.
272
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:35,884
And you're watching porn.
273
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:37,302
Oh, my God!
274
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,888
Two clicks and I instinctually
went right to porn.
275
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,723
Maybe George Townshend was right.
276
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,392
Maybe I am easily distracted.
277
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,893
Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.
278
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,562
It's okay to be easily distracted.
279
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,397
That's what's saved Warren Beatty
280
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,149
and Annette Bening's marriage.
281
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,570
Annette, let's have sex.
282
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:57,406
Or you could watch Blue Bloods
283
00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:59,408
and have a pudding cup.
284
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,035
Hmm?
285
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:06,374
Mmm. Go get 'em, Blue Bloods.
286
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,504
Good evening, Lois.
287
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,965
Oh, my God, Peter,
what the hell are you wearing?
288
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,133
Jeans.
289
00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,552
Just jeans. You like it?
290
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:21,763
No. You look like you're going
to a custody hearing in Florida.
291
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:22,973
Oh, really?
292
00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:25,017
Because I think it's a "fun" look.
293
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,268
Just like your hair.
294
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,520
Okay, I see what you're doing.
295
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,148
Good. So we agree
that your haircut is stupid.
296
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,692
What? No. I love my haircut.
297
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,235
Then I love this look.
298
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,446
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna add
299
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:40,198
this free Fandango golf visor I got
300
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,242
when I snuck in to see I Feel Pretty.
301
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,785
(GROANS) Fine.
302
00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:46,538
You want a war, Peter? Let's go to war.
303
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,789
Let's do it.
304
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,041
(GAVEL BANGS)
305
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,501
Tallahassee Family Court
calls Peter Griffin.
306
00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:52,628
Here, Your Honor.
307
00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,339
Ho-ho, look who's all dressed up.
308
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,759
I just want Skylar back!
309
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,307
Tesla, Apple, SpaceX,
310
00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:08,685
Kendrick Lamar,
drone technology, Hemingway.
311
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:12,189
Wow. That was the coolest
phone call I've ever heard.
312
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:13,482
My life is pretty cool.
313
00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:16,109
Brian, walk with me.
314
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,320
You know, I wish I could spend
more time with you today,
315
00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,656
but I'm late for a video conference with
316
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,326
(SPANISH ACCENT): Nicaraguan
President Daniel Ortega.
317
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:26,915
Listen, I need to talk
to you about something.
318
00:12:26,916 --> 00:12:29,414
I was thinking about what
you said the other day, and...
319
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,875
- I think you might be right.
- About what?
320
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,336
I've always believed I was
destined for a life like yours,
321
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,338
but something was holding me back,
322
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:39,697
and now I realize it was two things.
323
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,804
- My balls are the things...
- No, I got it.
324
00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,515
George Townshend,
I want to get neutered.
325
00:12:47,097 --> 00:12:48,809
I'm proud of you, buddy.
326
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,102
It's gonna be great.
327
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,062
I'll finally be able to beat that guy
328
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,107
who fights dirty in my karate class.
329
00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,694
Surprise.
330
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,028
Now take this.
331
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:01,571
Hiy...
332
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,532
(EXCLAIMING) You can't use a sword!
333
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,242
Sensei Dan, he's using a sword!
334
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:07,537
No swords, guys.
335
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:17,129
Brian, are you sure
about getting neutered?
336
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,923
I am. You've seen everything
George Townshend's accomplished.
337
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,675
That's the life I've always dreamed of.
338
00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:24,094
Yes, but how much
do you really know about him?
339
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,430
- Have you read his books?
- Of course I've read his books.
340
00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:27,973
They changed my life.
341
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,891
Look, Stewie,
this is a huge step for me,
342
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,476
and if you can't support me,
343
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,105
well, then maybe I should
cut you out of my life, too.
344
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,898
Brian, that's a closet.
345
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,901
I know. I have stuff to do in here.
346
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,613
(DOOR CREAKS)
347
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,370
(DOOR CREAKS)
348
00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,289
Well, nothing left to do but binge-watch
349
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,958
- Ken Burns' History of Jazz.
- What?
350
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:57,836
KEITH DAVID (ON TV): The
rhythmic drums of the Congo.
351
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,590
- 300 years later, Charlie Bird Parker.
- (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
352
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:03,425
But how did we get there?
353
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:05,636
(BRIAN GROANS)
354
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,390
(BUSY CHATTER)
355
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:12,642
Lois, what are you doing here?
356
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:15,103
Did someone die?
Do I get to go home early?
357
00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:18,440
Well, Peter, since you were
having that jeans fun,
358
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,859
I thought it might be fun
to come by and sell
359
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,196
some of my homemade jewelry
to your coworkers during lunch.
360
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,531
What? Lois, you can't do that.
361
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,617
Once a guy's wife sells
something in the break room,
362
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,285
no one ever looks at him the same.
363
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:32,287
Two years ago,
Bentley's wife made him hang
364
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,664
a sign-up sheet
to sponsor her in an AIDS walk,
365
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:36,166
and we've hated him ever since.
366
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,571
Don't look at me, Bentley.
367
00:14:37,572 --> 00:14:38,585
(GLASS SHATTERS)
368
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,212
Well, Peter, all you have to do
369
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,297
is say you like my haircut,
and I'll leave.
370
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,424
- Never.
- Suit yourself.
371
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,385
Everyone, I'm Peter Griffin's wife.
372
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,638
I took a jewelry-making class last month
373
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,640
with a group of preschool moms,
374
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:54,310
and now I'm gonna do it as a career.
375
00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:04,027
Hey, you want a half of my sandwich?
376
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,987
Oh. Yeah. Very cool, Bentley.
377
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:08,198
- Who made this?
- My wife.
378
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,826
- Oh, y-your wife with AIDS?
- She doesn't have AIDS.
379
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:13,078
She did a walk for people with AIDS.
380
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,914
But presumably there were people
who had AIDS at the walk?
381
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,374
Yeah, but you can't get...
382
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,210
Yeah, it's a no
on the sandwich, Bentley.
383
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,464
Greetings, Lois.
384
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,591
Oh, my God, Peter,
you're gonna make me vomit.
385
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,510
I'm just getting in some 'cize.
386
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:31,347
That's what I call exercise now: 'Cize.
387
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,933
(RETCHES)
388
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,852
Oh, God, Peter, please put that thing
389
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,478
in the garage and change your clothes.
390
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:39,855
Oh, I'd be happy to, Lois.
391
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,523
But I'm not doing it because you said.
392
00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:43,525
I'm doing it because of
the mean seventh graders
393
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:45,694
who have been chucking
footballs at me all day.
394
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:48,864
BOY: There he is!
Let's get that fat dork!
395
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,782
I'm home! Home is safe!
396
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,244
(GRUNTS) Home is safe!
397
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:02,210
I see you found all of
George Townshend's books.
398
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,545
That was fast.
399
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:05,505
Yep, got my own system.
400
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:07,716
I call it "The Stewie Decimal System."
401
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,759
(LAUGHS)
402
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:13,555
Oh, Stewie, you're gonna make me
spit out my saltwater taffy.
403
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,391
(LAUGHING)
404
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,584
Oh, my God!
405
00:16:18,585 --> 00:16:20,061
Brian's in trouble!
406
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:23,190
Stewie, I've got to have you
around here more often.
407
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:26,832
Oh, I think you'll
find me here... periodically.
408
00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:30,531
There's homeless sperm on this.
409
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,956
- Where are the glasses?
- I moved them.
410
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:41,208
What? Why?
411
00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,417
I moved everything.
412
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,753
All the glasses, the bowls, the plates.
413
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:47,528
Nothing is where it's been
for the past 17 years.
414
00:16:47,529 --> 00:16:48,589
Nothing.
415
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,761
I'm gonna become a deejay.
416
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:55,555
I'm going to hire a life coach.
417
00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:57,641
I'm gonna make one political donation
418
00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,435
with your e-mail address
so you'll be screwed for life.
419
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,563
I'm going to rededicate
my life to Christ.
420
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,981
Oh, that's really bad.
421
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,317
I'm gonna start a podcast
that has no focus
422
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,694
and it'll take up
an inordinate amount of time.
423
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,614
I'm going to constantly complain
about my fibromyalgia.
424
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,116
- You don't have fibromyalgia.
- No one does!
425
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:18,203
Every time a waiter tells me
their name, I'm gonna use it.
426
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:21,790
I'm gonna get really into
Halloween, like, really into it!
427
00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:24,125
Gross. I'm gonna wear a denim shirt
428
00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:26,169
with the Looney Tunes guys
embroidered on it
429
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:28,005
to church every Sunday.
430
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,383
(BOTH MOANING)
431
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,636
Oh, Peter. Oh, Peter.
432
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:41,476
So, what do you think of my haircut now?
433
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:43,354
It's ugly. I hate it.
434
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,319
- How you feeling, buddy?
- Good.
435
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,571
Nervous but strangely excited.
436
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:55,865
I haven't been totally honest with you.
437
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,325
I was never neutered.
438
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:58,910
But you're about to be.
439
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,328
What? No!
440
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,163
Save me, Sensei Dan!
441
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,959
- No neutering, guys.
- (GRUNTING)
442
00:18:08,458 --> 00:18:10,335
♪ ♪
443
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,008
Why are you doing this?
444
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:14,676
What did I do to you that was so bad?
445
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,136
You abandoned me.
446
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,513
You promised we'd be there
for each other forever.
447
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,432
Then the minute
Peter Griffin came along,
448
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,183
you just got in his car and left me.
449
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,602
I was gonna come back
and get you, and-and then,
450
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,105
and then Trump happened
and-and all that...
451
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,273
Liar!
452
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,233
I've wanted to cut
your balls off for years,
453
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,610
but the fact that you're
choosing to do it yourself
454
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,529
is so much more satisfying.
455
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,614
But I'm not choosing to do it myself.
456
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:37,910
- I love my balls.
- (GAS HISSING)
457
00:18:37,911 --> 00:18:40,328
They smell awful.
458
00:18:40,949 --> 00:18:43,372
♪ ♪
459
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:51,713
(GASPS)
460
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:53,716
(SHOUTS)
461
00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,551
Stay back!
462
00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,929
Stewie. Y-You saved me.
463
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:01,598
Oh.
464
00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:03,892
- Well, almost.
- What is it?
465
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,727
Oh, my God, they got one!
466
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:07,729
Or you still have one.
467
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,065
Maybe you should be
a scrotum half-full guy.
468
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,816
How did you know what he was doing?
469
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,943
I read his book.
470
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,904
"There is no greater motivation
471
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,031
"than the destruction of an enemy,
472
00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,658
"and my enemy is Brian Griffin.
473
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,828
"One day, I will convince him
to cut off his own balls,
474
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:26,581
and that will be
my greatest accomplishment."
475
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,750
You said his books changed your life,
476
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,418
but you didn't even read them.
477
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,587
This is why you're nothing.
478
00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:34,126
I'm sorry, okay?
479
00:19:34,127 --> 00:19:35,507
Yes, I abandoned you.
480
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,467
And I didn't go back to find you.
481
00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:39,260
I'm a bad friend, I admit it.
482
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,721
But did you ever think
that you should be thanking me?
483
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,807
Thanking you? For what?
484
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,392
For everything you have.
485
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,770
Your hatred for me is what
motivated you your whole life.
486
00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:51,356
Without me, none of this
would've been possible.
487
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:52,650
I made you.
488
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,944
You've already got one of my balls.
489
00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:56,986
Isn't that enough?
490
00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:59,114
You know what, Brian?
491
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,824
It is enough.
492
00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:03,201
You'll probably keep it
in a trophy case or something.
493
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,161
Oh, no. I ate it already.
494
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,996
Dogs are gross.
495
00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:08,541
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
496
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,794
Thank you, Stewie. You really saved me.
497
00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:14,838
My pleasure, Brian.
498
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,215
Well, the good news is
we can give you a prosthetic.
499
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,842
The bad news is
500
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:21,928
it's one of the bells
from a jester's hat.
501
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:23,471
There's no brain activity,
502
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,640
so we're gonna harvest his bells.
503
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:27,225
- We understand.
- (BELLS JINGLING)
504
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,643
Why did the king
505
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:31,647
have to hit him so hard?!
506
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:42,031
So, anyone want to ask me about my week?
507
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:45,077
Kind of a big week for the Megster.
508
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,872
Big envelope in the mail.
509
00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:51,666
Yep, early admittance.
510
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:54,043
Day one, August 26, clean slate.
511
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,378
Closing credits.
512
00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,755
JOE (OUTSIDE):
Congratulations on Bowdoin, Meg!
513
00:20:57,756 --> 00:21:00,550
- Closing credits!
- Oh, we're done?
514
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,470
(BELL JINGLING WITH FOOTSTEPS)