1 00:00:03,921 --> 00:00:06,674 With us tonight is Pastor Jeff Difford 2 00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:09,510 from the First Baptist Church of Medford. 3 00:00:09,593 --> 00:00:11,178 Thank you for being here, Pastor. 4 00:00:11,262 --> 00:00:13,389 My pleasure. So it would appear 5 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:14,557 that your church's 6 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,934 Halloween Hell House has stirred up 7 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:19,061 quite a bit of controversy this year. 8 00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,813 Oh, I wouldn't call it 9 00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:22,148 controversy. 10 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:23,232 What would you call it? 11 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,818 As you know, the purpose of a Hell House 12 00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:28,195 is to demonstrate the wages of sin, 13 00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:30,614 so as to lead people back to God. 14 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:31,782 That's wonderful. 15 00:00:32,408 --> 00:00:34,535 But doesn't it concern you that a lot 16 00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:36,620 of parents were alarmed 17 00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:39,165 at the gruesome scenes you portrayed? 18 00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:43,419 Once again, our intentions were pure. 19 00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:45,880 Why don't we take a look atjust how pure they were? 20 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:46,964 Let's roll the clip. 21 00:00:47,590 --> 00:00:48,591 Oh, boy. 22 00:00:48,674 --> 00:00:50,092 I need another beer. 23 00:00:50,176 --> 00:00:52,428 Oh, darling, don't you think you've had enough? 24 00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:54,972 - I'll tell you when I had enough! - [screams] 25 00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:57,767 Whoa! Hey, cowboy, 26 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,661 why don't you put that down and call it a night? 27 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:00,853 Don't you tell me what to do. 28 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:04,356 [screaming] 29 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,652 JEFF: That's enough, Peg. 30 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,074 Dear Lord. 31 00:01:13,157 --> 00:01:15,076 As you can see, our last attempt at a Hell House 32 00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,703 may have been a tad... traumatizing. 33 00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:19,288 I thought it was a hoot. 34 00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:21,749 Some of the little ones peed their pants. [chuckles] 35 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,209 But that wasn't the goal. 36 00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,544 A nine-year-old crapped himself. [chuckles] 37 00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:27,671 Why are you showing me this? 38 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,673 Well, Mary, this year, we'd like to go 39 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,717 with a more family-friendly production. 40 00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:34,512 And I thought you'd be the perfect person to head that up. 41 00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:37,431 Really? Me? 42 00:01:37,515 --> 00:01:39,350 Yes, you. Absolutely. 43 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:42,353 Gosh, I don't know. [scoffs] 44 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:45,272 I always felt I had a flair for the creative arts, 45 00:01:45,356 --> 00:01:47,233 but putting on a big show like that... 46 00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:49,556 You'll have a sizable budget and all the help you'll need 47 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,654 constructing sets, building props, 48 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,864 special effects, makeup. 49 00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:54,948 It does sound tempting. 50 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,283 But, most importantly, 51 00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,911 you'll have an opportunity to bring people to God 52 00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:02,206 by vividly demonstrating the perils of sin. 53 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,375 Be careful if you touch on adultery. 54 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:07,253 Last year, one of the actors got pregnant. 55 00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,587 Thanks, Peg. 56 00:02:08,671 --> 00:02:10,131 So, what do you say? 57 00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:12,216 I already know the first change I'm gonna make. 58 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,717 Instead of calling it "Hell House," 59 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,427 which is a little off-putting, 60 00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:16,554 I'm gonna call it... 61 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,389 "Heck House." 62 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,473 Isn't that great? 63 00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:20,558 That is great. 64 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,934 You don't really mean that. 65 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:23,853 Yes, I do. 66 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:25,896 Oh, I get it. 67 00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,231 Happy wife, happy life. 68 00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:28,816 You need to stop talking. 69 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,401 So it's not gonna be scary? 70 00:02:30,943 --> 00:02:33,195 It will, but without all the blood and gore. 71 00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:35,072 But I like blood and gore. 72 00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:37,074 Hang on. Y'all are trying to scare people 73 00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,492 into joining the church? 74 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,035 Yeah. But people like 75 00:02:40,119 --> 00:02:41,662 getting scared on Halloween anyway. 76 00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:44,623 Why not make 'em jump in the right direction? 77 00:02:44,707 --> 00:02:46,143 Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic 78 00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,459 used by organized religion 79 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:49,086 for centuries. 80 00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:50,730 When you add guilt to keep people in line, 81 00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:53,299 it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control. 82 00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:57,136 Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear. 83 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,346 So what happens when people don't follow the rules? 84 00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:00,639 They burn in hell. 85 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,436 Because God loves 'em. 86 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:11,066 ♪♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪♪ 87 00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:13,777 ♪♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪♪ 88 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,363 ♪♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪♪ 89 00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:18,699 ♪♪ I am a mighty little man ♪♪ 90 00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:22,578 ♪♪ I am a mighty little man ♪♪ 91 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,666 [school bell rings] 92 00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:30,628 [indistinct chatter] 93 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,176 Sheldon. 94 00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:38,677 Oh. Hi, Georgie. 95 00:03:38,761 --> 00:03:40,804 Why was Veronica Duncan hugging you? 96 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,848 I'm tutoring her in trigonometry. 97 00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:44,725 And that gets you hugs? 98 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,977 Thanks to me, she got her first C-minus. 99 00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,313 Just between us, she's a little slow. 100 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,898 That's not what I heard. 101 00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:51,982 What did you hear? 102 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,567 Is she secretly clever? 103 00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:55,945 Because if she is, I completely missed it. 104 00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:57,071 It doesn't matter. 105 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:58,590 You just need to introduce me to her. 106 00:03:58,614 --> 00:03:59,740 Why? 107 00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:01,867 I want to be her friend. 108 00:04:01,951 --> 00:04:03,011 Well, you better take a number. 109 00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:04,870 She's friends with a lot of boys around here. 110 00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:07,915 Let me worry about that. You just need to introduce us. 111 00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:09,291 All right. 112 00:04:09,375 --> 00:04:10,977 You know, she pays me two dollars for every one 113 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,294 of our tutoring lessons. 114 00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:14,213 How much did it cost her to get a C-minus? 115 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:16,048 $26. 116 00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:17,299 That's a good deal. 117 00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:19,385 LUNDY: Now, remember, next week, we start our work 118 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:20,928 on Streetcar Named Desire. 119 00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:22,930 So please prepare a monologue 120 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,890 for either Blanche or Stanley. 121 00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:27,893 Usually, the girls do Blanche and the boys do Stanley, 122 00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:30,896 but no judgment... you follow your heart. 123 00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:33,357 [indistinct chatter] 124 00:04:34,692 --> 00:04:37,403 Thank you again for letting me come by to pick your brain. 125 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:39,488 Oh, please. Anything for the church. 126 00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:40,990 Are you a religious man? 127 00:04:41,657 --> 00:04:42,908 I'm an actor. 128 00:04:42,992 --> 00:04:45,411 I'm whatever you need me to be. 129 00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:46,620 All right. 130 00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:48,330 As I told you on the phone, 131 00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:49,665 I have been tasked 132 00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:52,334 with mounting this year's Halloween production. 133 00:04:52,418 --> 00:04:54,503 Oh, is that a haunted house kind of deal? 134 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:57,214 Yes, but with the goal of bringing people to God. 135 00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:59,717 I do know something about that. 136 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,803 When I played Puck in Midsummer, 137 00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:06,515 the Tulsa Herald called my performance "heavenly". 138 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,225 Wow! Good for you. 139 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:10,477 - Thank you, thank you. [giggling] - [chuckles] 140 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:13,355 Okay. Um, I was hoping 141 00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:15,983 to put on a little play in each of the rooms 142 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,777 that portrays one of the seven deadly sins. 143 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:21,405 Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath and greed! 144 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:23,407 Wow, you know your sins! 145 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,492 Well, again, I'm an actor. 146 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,079 They are the tools in my box. 147 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:31,790 Um, have you considered 148 00:05:31,874 --> 00:05:34,001 a narrator, you know, um, 149 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,086 like, a tour guide kind of thing? 150 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,880 Oh, that's interesting. 151 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,423 But who would that be? 152 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,425 Well, I'd have to think the big man himself. 153 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,053 - God? - Satan. 154 00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:46,722 Oh! That's spooky. 155 00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:49,808 And he's trying to lure people toward sin. 156 00:05:49,892 --> 00:05:51,018 Exactly. 157 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,519 That's a pretty big role. 158 00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:53,937 I wonder who could do it. 159 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:55,814 Huh. 160 00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:57,274 Well, it would have to be someone 161 00:05:57,358 --> 00:06:02,237 with enough range to convey sincerity and charm, 162 00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:05,699 all the while, hiding a dark and corrupt soul! 163 00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:07,076 [cackles] 164 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:08,452 - Good golly. - [chuckles] 165 00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:12,039 If you were just a little taller, you'd be perfect. 166 00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:13,374 I have lifts. 167 00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:15,376 [indistinct chatter] 168 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:18,379 What are we doing here? 169 00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,255 Waiting for Veronica. 170 00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:21,566 How do you know she's in there? 171 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,008 It's kind of her homeroom. 172 00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:25,761 Oh, hello again. 173 00:06:26,845 --> 00:06:28,347 Oh. [chuckles] 174 00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:29,431 Hey. What's up? 175 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,476 This is my brother Georgie. He wanted to meet you. 176 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,854 - Really? - Really. 177 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,148 I like your hair. 178 00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,401 Uh, me, too. 179 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,655 [crows cawing] 180 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,198 [engine shuts off] 181 00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:48,617 What do you think? 182 00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,285 Pretty great, huh? 183 00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:52,454 Realtor's letting us use it for free. 184 00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:54,540 Wow. How'd you swing that? 185 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:55,624 Well, I promised 186 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,876 Fred Murphy a lead role in the lust room. 187 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,212 Ooh. [laughs] 188 00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:02,214 Look at you, just wheeling and dealing 189 00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:04,633 like a big-time Hollywood producer. 190 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:07,136 - [chuckles] - Maybe you're in the wrong business. 191 00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:08,262 Being a mother? 192 00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,180 - Being a Christian. - Ah. 193 00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,682 Greetings! 194 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,684 - Oh, good! Mr. Lundy, you made it. - [chuckles] 195 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,954 Oh, we're gonna be working together. You can call me Gene. 196 00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:18,647 All right, Gene, this is my mother, Connie. 197 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,689 - Hi. - Hello. 198 00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,775 Now, I would've bet she was your big sister. 199 00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:24,361 - [chuckles] - I thought you said he was a good actor. 200 00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:25,946 - Oh, now. - [chuckling] 201 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,281 So, what do you think? 202 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,159 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 203 00:07:30,242 --> 00:07:32,327 - Spiderwebs. - What? 204 00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:34,246 We're gonna need some spiderwebs, and I think 205 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,914 maybe some fire effects on the left 206 00:07:35,998 --> 00:07:37,541 and right side of the portal. 207 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:40,085 - Portal? - Portal to hell. 208 00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:41,962 - [chuckling] - Sure, sure. 209 00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,548 Now, the script calls for me to appear 210 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,675 from beneath the house in a cloud of smoke. 211 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:49,136 But I think that's gonna be ambitious. 212 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,679 Script? What script? 213 00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,598 Oh, I wrote a script. Don't worry about it. 214 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:54,725 I was gonna write the script. 215 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,727 Well, now you don't have to. 216 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,187 [chuckles] 217 00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:00,314 [chuckles] 218 00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:03,609 Do you believe this? 219 00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:04,985 Believe it, love it, 220 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,112 glad I didn't wait in the car. 221 00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:19,082 I can't believe this. 222 00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,752 - No good? - It's awful. 223 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,254 It makes sin seem like a good thing. 224 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:25,698 Well, that's the problem, isn't it? 225 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,275 I mean, if sin didn't seem like a good thing, 226 00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:28,467 nobody would do it. 227 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,761 George, please, I'm in no mood. 228 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,095 Hey. Wrath. 229 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,348 That's one of the seven sins, right? 230 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:35,617 Pastor Jeff gave me this project 231 00:08:35,641 --> 00:08:37,392 because he knew I'd be best at it. 232 00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:40,729 Now Gene... Lundy is taking over. 233 00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,564 Oh, look, pride. And envy. 234 00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:44,942 Don't stop. Four sins to go. 235 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:50,197 I'm guessing lust ain't happening tonight. 236 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,829 You see a large red button. 237 00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,623 What do you do? 238 00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,000 I press it. 239 00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:06,588 The floor opens up and you plunge into a 60-foot pit. 240 00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:08,423 I fly out. 241 00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,551 Up, up, and away! 242 00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,262 Again, you're not Superman in this game. 243 00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:15,389 You're Superman for Halloween. 244 00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:17,099 Which isn't till next week. 245 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:18,559 So I'm in a pit. 246 00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:19,851 You're in a pit. 247 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:23,855 Then I blast my way out with my super breath! 248 00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:25,649 [blowing] 249 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,150 Just let him do it. 250 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,610 Dinner's ready. 251 00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:30,320 - Five more minutes. - Hey, Georgie. 252 00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,573 I saw you talking to Veronica Duncan. 253 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,242 - Yeah. So? - How well do you know her? 254 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,160 Not as well as I'm gonna. 255 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,495 I introduced them. 256 00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,080 He math skills are dreadful. 257 00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,957 Did you know Superman has a dog? 258 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:43,709 His name is Krypto. 259 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,837 He plays fetch in space. 260 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,006 ♪♪ Please allow me to introduce myself ♪♪ 261 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:53,468 Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. [sighs] 262 00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:55,137 This is supposed to be wrath. 263 00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:57,848 ♪♪ I've been around for a long, long time ♪♪ 264 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:58,932 [gasps] Oh. 265 00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:01,184 ♪♪ Stole many a man's soul ♪♪ 266 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,620 Give him a little kick now that's he's down. 267 00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:03,770 Give him a little kick. 268 00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:05,147 ♪♪ I was 'round ♪♪ 269 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,274 That's right, that's good. 270 00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:08,692 Yes. Yeah. [groaning] 271 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:09,985 No, go for it. 272 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,445 Yes. 273 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,447 ♪♪ Pleased to meet you ♪♪ 274 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,782 ♪♪ Hope you guess my name ♪♪ 275 00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:17,826 ♪♪ Woo-woo ♪♪ 276 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:19,244 ♪♪ Yeah, woo-woo ♪♪ 277 00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:21,788 ♪♪ Ah, what's puzzling you... ♪♪ 278 00:10:21,872 --> 00:10:24,708 Kind of stomp down on him, stomp down on him. 279 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,377 Yes. That's the way. Good. 280 00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:28,920 Now, Fred, remember, 281 00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:33,050 you are the personification of lust. 282 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:37,512 Your sole reason for being is to try to satisfy 283 00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:41,808 this unquenchable thirst for physical pleasure. 284 00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:45,646 Great. Will there be kissing and touching? 285 00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:48,065 - Oh, you bet. - Mm. Mm. 286 00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,192 Now what? 287 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,944 Pretend kissing. Pretend touching. 288 00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,613 Oh. 289 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:57,157 Fred, would you just give me a moment? 290 00:10:57,741 --> 00:11:00,452 Mary, I... I've tried to be patient, 291 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:01,995 but if I'm gonna do this, 292 00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:04,456 put my reputation on the line, 293 00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:07,209 I'm gonna need you to back off just a little bit. 294 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:10,212 Do I need to remind you that the purpose of Heck House 295 00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,547 is to show how sins destroy our lives? 296 00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:13,757 Yeah, so? 297 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,385 You are making them into a good thing. 298 00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:18,970 Have you read the script? 299 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:20,847 He's gonna get syphilis. 300 00:11:20,931 --> 00:11:22,474 He goes home, he gives it to his wife. 301 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:23,975 She goes crazy. 302 00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:26,395 She kills him and her entire family. 303 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:28,021 What am I missing? 304 00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,690 Sorry I'm late. 305 00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:30,857 I couldn't find my keys, 306 00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,776 and then my car wouldn't start. 307 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,194 Then I got lost. 308 00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,779 Holy smokes. 309 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,156 Hi. Are you my makeout partner? 310 00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:42,577 No. No. No one's making out. 311 00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,287 This all stops right now. 312 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,331 You have got to calm down. 313 00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:48,643 I will not have innocent children walk through this house 314 00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,794 on Halloween and see a half-naked woman. 315 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,463 A half-naked woman chock-full of syphilis. 316 00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:56,299 - BOTH: What? - It's pretend syphilis. 317 00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:01,012 Mary, I am a trained theater professional. 318 00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:06,309 Why don't you just let me do what I do, while you, 319 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:10,814 you know, go home and make a nice tuna casserole. 320 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,983 Hmm? 321 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,067 All right, Fred... 322 00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,278 ADULT SHELDON: I know what you're thinking: 323 00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:17,779 She's going to tear his throat out. 324 00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:20,073 But what in fact happened is she did 325 00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:21,700 what she thought Jesus would do. 326 00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,286 She went home and made that tuna casserole. 327 00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,412 It was a little salty 328 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:28,165 but I ate it because she was in a mood. 329 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,628 KIDS: Trick or treat! 330 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,005 [laughter] 331 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,299 [eerie organ music playing] 332 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,927 [recorded screams playing] 333 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:47,601 [gasping, laughing] 334 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:51,521 Greetings. Pleased to meet you. 335 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:55,192 I go by many names: Satan, Lucifer, 336 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,695 Mephistopheles, Beelzebub. 337 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,499 Of course, when I make a dinner reservation, 338 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,033 I... I go by "Eric." 339 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,493 It's easier to spell. 340 00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:09,456 Before we begin tonight's descent into Heck, 341 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:12,375 I'd like to tell you a little about myself. 342 00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:15,504 'Cause it's all about you, isn't it? 343 00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:18,215 I was God's chosen angel. 344 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,383 I was his favorite. 345 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,552 We used to go camping together. 346 00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:26,223 But then, because I wanted to have a little bit of fun, 347 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,975 I was cast from heaven. 348 00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:31,895 Tonight, you will bear witness to that fun. 349 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:37,067 You will decide whether it is sinful... 350 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,027 or just another Saturday night. 351 00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:43,448 [laughs] Come with me... if you dare. 352 00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:45,951 [thunder rumbles] 353 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,577 Just watch your step right over here, 354 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,579 'cause there's some electrical wires. 355 00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,289 [hisses] [knock on door] 356 00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:53,124 ALL: Trick or treat. 357 00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,836 Oh, look how cute y'all are. 358 00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:58,964 Now, I know you are Superman. 359 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,632 What about the rest of you? 360 00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:03,301 - I'm Cyndi Lauper. - I'm a wizard. 361 00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:04,427 Uh-huh. 362 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,221 And I'm Carl Sagan. 363 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,056 Who? 364 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,474 Carl Sagan. 365 00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:11,643 He's the host of Cosmos. 366 00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:14,271 Well, isn't that something. 367 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,231 Now, y'all be safe and have a fun night. 368 00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:17,524 I'm Super... 369 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:19,693 [laughter, shouting] 370 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,323 Do you like Guns N' Roses? 371 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,158 They're all right. 372 00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:28,743 Yeah, they're all right. 373 00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:37,669 You as smart as your brother? 374 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,629 Nobody is. 375 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:42,007 I got an older sister that's kind of a genius. 376 00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,466 Oh, yeah? 377 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:44,718 Why didn't she tutor you? 378 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,553 She's in jail. 379 00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:48,263 What'd she do? 380 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,849 She sold a piñata full of weed 381 00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:52,475 to an undercover cop. 382 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,811 Doesn't sound like much of a genius. 383 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:58,440 Oh, I don't know, she graduated high school. 384 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,191 BILLY: Ooh, peanut butter cups! 385 00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:03,028 Superman loves peanut butter cups! 386 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:04,946 [thunder rumbles] 387 00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:07,532 So you see, the sin of greed. 388 00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:10,869 A very wealthy man, a beautiful house, 389 00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:13,371 swimming pool, several German cars, 390 00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:16,750 and a young wife who worshipped him. 391 00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,418 Excuse me, Mr. Satan. 392 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,879 What? 393 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,130 You kind of left out 394 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:23,757 how greed is the root of all evil, 395 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,258 and how it corrupts the soul. 396 00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,469 It's in there. It's called subtext. 397 00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:30,513 Why don't we take a gander at the eternal torment 398 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:31,681 that is sloth. 399 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:33,767 [coughs] 400 00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:36,686 I can't believe no one in this town knows 401 00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,229 who Carl Sagan is. 402 00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:39,981 Why even have a TV? 403 00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:43,193 Stupid Mrs. Gifford gave me a banana. 404 00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,111 SHELDON: Where's Billy? 405 00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,529 He had to go to the bathroom. 406 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,448 - So he went home? - No. 407 00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:50,408 He's right behind that tree. 408 00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:52,661 Wait up, guys. 409 00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:55,205 Oh, I got a little on my cape. 410 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,998 Ew. 411 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,675 There's nobody at my house. You want to come over? 412 00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:07,968 Yes. 413 00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:09,678 Okay, let's go. 414 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,433 [ethereal music playing] 415 00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,397 Look at this. 416 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,650 We threw a party for heaven and nobody came. 417 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,987 Not one person chose to be saved. 418 00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:28,822 Well, did you tell 'em about the cupcakes? 419 00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,299 MEEMAW: Where I think you went wrong 420 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,449 is in your timing. 421 00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:34,786 If you'd done this deal during a war or a plague, 422 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:36,788 then you'd have a boatload of converts. 423 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,498 Famine. Famine would bring 'em in. 424 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,500 What do you know about famine? 425 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,294 Hola, amigos. 426 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:45,714 Hey, Pastor Jeff. 427 00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:48,091 Why so glum? This is going great. 428 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,510 Donations are through the roof. 429 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:51,845 [laughs] 430 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:53,179 Nobody wants to be saved. 431 00:16:53,263 --> 00:16:57,100 Yeah, but donations are through the roof. 432 00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,561 Is that all this means to you, raising money? 433 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:02,188 Hey, that money is gonna do a lot of good 434 00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:03,565 for a lot of people. 435 00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,358 Now, quit being such a fun sponge. 436 00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,569 Here, have some grapes. 437 00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,238 [laughing] 438 00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:15,785 What's that? 439 00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:19,164 Some stupid haunted house my mother's doing for the church. 440 00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:21,166 Let's check it out. 441 00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:23,793 But I... I thought we were going to your house. 442 00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:26,212 We are. Let's just do this first. 443 00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:27,714 Come on. It'll be fun. 444 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,759 [whimpers] 445 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,221 Pleased to meet you. 446 00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,349 I go by many names: Satan... 447 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,852 ADULT SHELDON: My mother's fears that no one would be saved 448 00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:43,396 that Halloween night were proven incorrect. 449 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,815 As they kissed, she thought about the choices 450 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,984 that led her to this moment. 451 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:51,321 ADULT SHELDON: Mr. Lundy's scene about lust made a deep impact 452 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:54,282 - on my brother's date. - Her youth was gone. 453 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,367 She had traded her beauty for a few 454 00:17:56,451 --> 00:18:01,039 tawdry dollars, and now she had nothing left but shame... 455 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:05,001 ...and venereal disease. 456 00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,134 ADULT SHELDON: She asked to be saved by Jesus. 457 00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:15,762 [crying] I don't want to live like this anymore. 458 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:18,848 Oh, just repeat after me... 459 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:21,184 ADULT SHELDON: And as it turns out, she was. 460 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,520 She went on to live a life devoted to God, 461 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:26,356 feeding the poor, even helping her sister 462 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,359 start a literacy program for female prisoners. 463 00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:33,481 My brother, on the other hand, became a devout atheist 464 00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:35,281 after that night. 465 00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,909 MARY: We got one! [laughs] 466 00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:43,123 ALL: Trick or treat. 467 00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:45,333 Aren't y'all precious. 468 00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:48,503 And you look like a little Carl Sagan. 469 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:53,925 ADULT SHELDON: Vindication, the sweetest candy of all. 470 00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:58,304 ♪♪♪♪