1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000 www.tvsubtitles.net 2 00:00:07,639 --> 00:00:10,199 Somebody need to talk to the man, you know what I mean? 3 00:00:10,241 --> 00:00:13,472 I'm so happy you called me. He's just moping around? 4 00:00:13,511 --> 00:00:15,206 I mean, we all are really worried about him, man. 5 00:00:15,246 --> 00:00:17,544 This Cheryl thing's got him crazy. 6 00:00:17,582 --> 00:00:19,641 This Cheryl thing's got him twisted, man, for real. 7 00:00:19,684 --> 00:00:22,551 He's up there moping, man. Mopy Dick, that's what he is. 8 00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:24,578 - Moby Dick. - No, Mopy Dick. 9 00:00:24,622 --> 00:00:27,318 - No, it's called Moby Dick. - Who's fucking Moby Dick? 10 00:00:27,358 --> 00:00:29,451 "Moby Dick" is the book by Melville. 11 00:00:29,494 --> 00:00:31,257 - Who's fucking Moby Dick? - Where did you hear Moby Dick from? 12 00:00:31,296 --> 00:00:32,627 Mopy Dick, man. His dick is moping. 13 00:00:32,664 --> 00:00:34,894 - Oh, literally Mopy Dick? - Yeah, Mopy Dick. 14 00:00:34,933 --> 00:00:37,902 Okay, let's go up and get his mopy-ass dick out of bed. 15 00:00:37,936 --> 00:00:39,904 - Let's go. - I like the way you operate, man. 16 00:00:39,938 --> 00:00:42,964 You know what I mean? You're straightforward. I like that shit. 17 00:00:44,409 --> 00:00:46,104 What? 18 00:00:46,144 --> 00:00:48,339 - Gotta come in? - Coming in, man. 19 00:00:50,448 --> 00:00:52,541 - Hey, what's going on? - I don't know. 20 00:00:52,584 --> 00:00:55,178 - I fucked up my life. - How did you fuck up your life? 21 00:00:55,220 --> 00:00:57,950 - What did you do? - With Cheryl. 22 00:00:57,989 --> 00:00:59,957 - Oh, Cheryl. - Oh, man, this Cheryl shit again. 23 00:00:59,991 --> 00:01:01,185 Come on, man. 24 00:01:01,226 --> 00:01:04,389 The stupid call from the plane-- I didn't-- 25 00:01:04,429 --> 00:01:05,987 You were busy with the TiVo guy. 26 00:01:06,030 --> 00:01:09,193 Busy with the TiVo guy. Yeah, I was busy with the TiVo guy. 27 00:01:09,234 --> 00:01:11,225 Your brain is all fucking discombobulated, man. 28 00:01:11,269 --> 00:01:12,759 You need to focus on some ass. 29 00:01:12,804 --> 00:01:16,433 I'm just never gonna meet anybody like her again, ever ever. 30 00:01:16,474 --> 00:01:19,272 I'm not disputing that, but you've got to meet somebody else. 31 00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:22,006 - You've got to move on. - There's nobody that compares to her. 32 00:01:22,046 --> 00:01:23,911 I can't even imagine being with anybody else. 33 00:01:23,948 --> 00:01:26,212 Listen, man, you've got to get out there and do stuff. 34 00:01:26,251 --> 00:01:28,515 Get down there and get breakfast. What are you doing? 35 00:01:28,553 --> 00:01:31,021 Is she going to Sammie's bat mitzvah? 36 00:01:31,055 --> 00:01:32,522 Yeah, she's coming to the bat mitzvah. 37 00:01:32,557 --> 00:01:34,525 She's bringing that guy too. 38 00:01:36,394 --> 00:01:39,488 What do you want me to do? We didn't pick sides. 39 00:01:39,531 --> 00:01:41,897 I can't believe I've got to see her with this guy 40 00:01:41,933 --> 00:01:44,026 - at Sammie's bat mitzvah. - Well, who are you gonna bring? 41 00:01:44,068 --> 00:01:45,865 - Nobody. - You've got to bring somebody. 42 00:01:45,904 --> 00:01:48,304 Bring somebody? Who am I gonna bring? 43 00:01:48,339 --> 00:01:50,773 You're not gonna find her here, lying like this. Come on. 44 00:01:50,808 --> 00:01:52,503 Yeah, you gotta find somebody, man. 45 00:01:52,544 --> 00:01:54,774 - I'm not a good dater. I can't date. - Why can't you date? 46 00:01:54,812 --> 00:01:57,372 You're not comfortable in your Larry shell right now. 47 00:01:57,415 --> 00:01:59,645 You've got to become another motherfucker right now. 48 00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:01,811 Larry, grow a mustache, man. Grow a goatee, 49 00:02:01,853 --> 00:02:04,481 a mustache, grow sideburns. Become another motherfucker, man. 50 00:02:04,522 --> 00:02:06,888 - You feel me? - It's not bad advice. 51 00:02:06,925 --> 00:02:09,985 It's not bad advice. But anything to get your ass out of bed. 52 00:02:10,028 --> 00:02:11,996 Get your ass out of-- wh--? 53 00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:13,520 - What was that? - What are you doing? 54 00:02:13,565 --> 00:02:15,430 You've got bedbugs? What's going on? 55 00:02:15,466 --> 00:02:17,593 Oh, nothing. Just a little uncomfortable. 56 00:02:17,635 --> 00:02:20,900 - Listen, I did my part. Get your ass up. - Okay, thanks. 57 00:02:20,939 --> 00:02:22,839 - I've got to go to work, all right? - Thanks, yeah. 58 00:02:22,874 --> 00:02:25,035 - I'll see you later. - Good work, man. 59 00:02:25,076 --> 00:02:28,239 Hey, I'll get him up. Hey, man, let's roll, L.D. 60 00:02:28,279 --> 00:02:31,646 Come on downstairs, man. The family wants to talk to you a little bit. 61 00:02:31,683 --> 00:02:34,447 - All right, I'm turning over a new leaf. - Yeah, come on downstairs. 62 00:02:34,485 --> 00:02:36,612 - That's it. No more of this shit. - We want to talk to you. 63 00:02:36,654 --> 00:02:38,918 - Okay, no more. - Yeah, get out. Let's get your shit together. 64 00:02:38,957 --> 00:02:40,891 - I'm getting it together. - Yeah, think about that beard shit. 65 00:02:40,925 --> 00:02:42,392 - Okay, all right. - Think about that mustache. 66 00:02:44,696 --> 00:02:46,664 Look who I found. 67 00:02:46,698 --> 00:02:48,529 - Hey. - Hey, L.D.! 68 00:02:48,566 --> 00:02:50,261 - How are you doing? - Yeah. 69 00:02:50,301 --> 00:02:52,701 - Eh, I think okay. I think I'll be all right. - Good. 70 00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:54,136 - I'm fine. - Good. 71 00:02:54,172 --> 00:02:55,799 You know what? My mind is made up. 72 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,570 - I am forgetting about her as of now. - Okay. 73 00:02:58,610 --> 00:03:00,942 - That's what I'm talking about. - As of now. 74 00:03:00,979 --> 00:03:03,607 - L.D., you're gonna be fine, trust me. - It's a new day. 75 00:03:03,648 --> 00:03:05,616 He'll be the last man standing. 76 00:03:05,650 --> 00:03:08,175 So what's going on? What do you want to talk to me about? 77 00:03:08,219 --> 00:03:09,550 Loretta, you want to...? 78 00:03:09,587 --> 00:03:11,885 Um, our house is ready 79 00:03:11,923 --> 00:03:14,756 and we're gonna go home. 80 00:03:16,394 --> 00:03:18,624 Yeah yeah. The lady called today. 81 00:03:18,663 --> 00:03:20,563 - We're out for real. - We are. 82 00:03:20,598 --> 00:03:22,589 - We're not kidding you. We're out. - No, for real. 83 00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:24,329 - He's speechless. I can't believe it. - Well... 84 00:03:24,369 --> 00:03:26,633 I am speechless. 85 00:03:26,671 --> 00:03:28,536 - You too? - I'm out of here too. 86 00:03:28,573 --> 00:03:31,133 I've got a little boo down there I'ma holla at. 87 00:03:31,175 --> 00:03:34,042 I know it looked like we weren't gonna ever get out of here, though, 88 00:03:34,078 --> 00:03:36,273 - but... - Well... 89 00:03:36,314 --> 00:03:38,248 - you gotta go-- you gotta go. - Yeah. 90 00:03:38,282 --> 00:03:39,715 - We're gonna miss you, though. - We are. 91 00:03:39,751 --> 00:03:41,446 You can always come visit now. 92 00:03:41,486 --> 00:03:43,920 Eh, let's not go crazy. 93 00:03:43,955 --> 00:03:46,048 - My gerbil's gone. - What? 94 00:03:46,090 --> 00:03:49,116 - My gerbil's gone. - What do you mean your gerbil's gone? 95 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,321 Well, come on. Let's go find it. 96 00:03:51,362 --> 00:03:53,262 - Chill out. We're cool. - Chill out? 97 00:03:53,297 --> 00:03:56,425 There's a gerbil running amok in my house. Come on, help me find it. 98 00:03:58,870 --> 00:04:01,338 Okay, thank you. 99 00:04:01,372 --> 00:04:03,101 - Hey, Larry. - Yeah. 100 00:04:03,141 --> 00:04:05,769 - The building manager just called. - Yeah? 101 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:08,574 In the next few days somebody's gonna come 102 00:04:08,613 --> 00:04:10,581 and look at that office across from you. 103 00:04:10,615 --> 00:04:12,879 - Are you kidding? - No. 104 00:04:12,917 --> 00:04:15,943 Oh, I dreaded this day. I don't want anybody 105 00:04:15,987 --> 00:04:17,579 moving in across the hall. 106 00:04:17,622 --> 00:04:19,817 You know, we have privacy here. 107 00:04:19,857 --> 00:04:21,654 I know. Larry, there's nothing I can do. 108 00:04:21,693 --> 00:04:23,820 We're not gonna have control of the thermostat. 109 00:04:23,861 --> 00:04:25,829 - That's right, it's in there. - Yeah, it's in there. 110 00:04:25,863 --> 00:04:27,296 Why don't we take that office then? 111 00:04:27,331 --> 00:04:29,765 I'm not gonna pay for an office I'm not using. 112 00:04:29,801 --> 00:04:32,269 Well, somebody's gonna take it if you don't take it. 113 00:04:32,303 --> 00:04:34,703 How do you stop somebody from renting it? 114 00:04:34,739 --> 00:04:36,798 That's what I want to know. 115 00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:39,674 How are you? 116 00:04:39,711 --> 00:04:42,202 - You know, I feel a little better today. - Do you? 117 00:04:42,246 --> 00:04:44,009 - I've been pretty depressed. - You seem better. You look good. 118 00:04:44,048 --> 00:04:46,278 Yeah, I feel better. I'm feeling like I'm ready, 119 00:04:46,317 --> 00:04:48,547 but I hate being single. I just hate it. 120 00:04:48,586 --> 00:04:50,918 - I know, Larry. I'm sorry. - I want to meet somebody. 121 00:04:50,955 --> 00:04:54,254 I swear to God, I can get married again in a month if I could. 122 00:04:54,292 --> 00:04:57,784 Oh, Larry. Larry David, you are a romantic. 123 00:04:57,829 --> 00:04:59,729 Am I? Do you think I am? 124 00:04:59,764 --> 00:05:01,959 Oh, I forgot. Matt Tessler called and said, 125 00:05:01,999 --> 00:05:03,933 "Hey, I'm in the building. I thought I'd drop by." 126 00:05:03,968 --> 00:05:06,334 - He's in the building? - Yeah. 127 00:05:06,370 --> 00:05:08,304 He said he knows you, "Seinfeld" days. 128 00:05:08,339 --> 00:05:10,603 Yeah, he directed four "Seinfelds." 129 00:05:10,641 --> 00:05:12,506 He was terrible, though. He was a terrible director. 130 00:05:12,543 --> 00:05:14,340 - Oh, I remember Matt. - What does he want? 131 00:05:14,378 --> 00:05:17,643 Lewis is doing a pilot now, and I'll bet he wants me to recommend him. 132 00:05:17,682 --> 00:05:20,674 - You know, he's got the son... - Oh my gosh, that's right. 133 00:05:20,718 --> 00:05:22,583 ...who's got the muscular issues. 134 00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:23,882 M.S. or M.D. or...? 135 00:05:23,921 --> 00:05:26,185 I don't know. There's something. 136 00:05:26,224 --> 00:05:27,816 I could say that you had to leave, 137 00:05:27,859 --> 00:05:29,827 - you had an important meeting. - Eh... 138 00:05:29,861 --> 00:05:33,319 - Larry David. Larry David, how ya doing? - Hey, Matt Tessler! 139 00:05:33,364 --> 00:05:35,992 - We were just talking about you. - Good to see you. 140 00:05:36,033 --> 00:05:38,866 Hey, Matt, what's going on? Nice to see you. How are you? 141 00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,894 - You're well? You look good. - Yeah. 142 00:05:40,938 --> 00:05:43,236 - You look pretty good yourself. - Oh, thanks, thanks. 143 00:05:43,274 --> 00:05:45,504 - Yeah, I'm doing okay, doing okay. - Look at this. 144 00:05:45,543 --> 00:05:47,306 - Working my ass off, yeah. - Nice. 145 00:05:47,345 --> 00:05:49,313 I'm just, you know-- I'm kind of stuck 146 00:05:49,347 --> 00:05:51,872 - in a dramedy ghetto. - Really? 147 00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,578 Well, I did the cancer scare episode of "Home lmprovement," 148 00:05:54,619 --> 00:05:58,385 - so I got typed as this guy who does ticker. - Oh, Jeez. 149 00:05:58,422 --> 00:06:00,390 Now they want me to do all the teardrop stuff. 150 00:06:00,424 --> 00:06:02,756 I want to get back to the funny, to the shtoomy. 151 00:06:02,794 --> 00:06:05,729 - The shtoomy, yeah. - Are you and Richard Lewis still tight? 152 00:06:05,763 --> 00:06:09,392 - Is there any way you can just give him a--? - I'm really not... 153 00:06:09,433 --> 00:06:11,594 - You're not tight anymore? - Not really tight. 154 00:06:11,636 --> 00:06:13,866 'Cause they're floating my name to direct his pilot 155 00:06:13,905 --> 00:06:15,463 and I just would love to be in on that. 156 00:06:15,506 --> 00:06:17,701 Well, if I run into him, I'll, you know-- 157 00:06:17,742 --> 00:06:20,472 Yeah, if I had a recommendation from you, though, 158 00:06:20,511 --> 00:06:22,479 that would mean that I'd have a shot at this. 159 00:06:22,513 --> 00:06:25,505 The sitcom-- you know, I'd come in at 9:00-10:00, 160 00:06:25,550 --> 00:06:28,075 - I'd get a chance to see my son in the morning... - It's a great-- 161 00:06:28,119 --> 00:06:30,747 ...l'd get a chance to see him at night. So anything you could do 162 00:06:30,788 --> 00:06:34,155 to recommend me to Richard would be just great. 163 00:06:34,192 --> 00:06:37,355 Yeah, I'll-- I'll recommend you. 164 00:06:37,395 --> 00:06:39,295 - Bless your heart. Bless your heart. - Yeah. 165 00:06:39,330 --> 00:06:42,527 Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickle in your anus? 166 00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,728 I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks. 167 00:06:44,769 --> 00:06:47,101 What? 168 00:06:48,706 --> 00:06:50,901 Are you experiencing discomfort? 169 00:06:50,942 --> 00:06:54,503 Tickle in my-- what is she talking about? What are you talking about? 170 00:06:54,545 --> 00:06:56,604 - Where did you get that from? - That's nothing to joke around about. 171 00:06:56,647 --> 00:06:57,807 Who were you trying to get an appointment with? 172 00:06:57,849 --> 00:06:59,680 - Rosenberg. - Rosenberg is a good man. 173 00:06:59,717 --> 00:07:01,810 I've got a better one. Pencil. 174 00:07:01,853 --> 00:07:04,321 Call this man-- Dr. Jay Whitney. 175 00:07:04,355 --> 00:07:07,722 My wife's cousin Kai-- she runs the office. 176 00:07:07,758 --> 00:07:10,192 - Oh, she does? - She can open all the doors, 177 00:07:10,228 --> 00:07:12,162 and not just the back one, you know what I mean? 178 00:07:12,196 --> 00:07:13,925 Seriously, she can get you in today. 179 00:07:13,965 --> 00:07:15,557 - Yeah. - You don't have to think about it. 180 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,000 It's nice of you, but there's really nothing wrong. 181 00:07:18,035 --> 00:07:19,969 Why did you say I have a tickle in my anus? 182 00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:23,098 Are you fucking crazy, huh? A tickle in my anus? 183 00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:24,937 - She's just looking out for you. - Why did you say that? 184 00:07:24,976 --> 00:07:26,341 I don't have a tickle. Who said that? 185 00:07:26,377 --> 00:07:28,106 Look, I gotta go. I gotta go. 186 00:07:28,145 --> 00:07:30,045 Look, I think I've given you the wrong impression. 187 00:07:30,081 --> 00:07:32,982 - Larry's anus is fine. - Shut the fuck up, okay? 188 00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:34,882 Shut the fuck up! Sorry. 189 00:07:34,919 --> 00:07:37,319 All I'm saying is, don't take any chances here, okay? 190 00:07:37,355 --> 00:07:39,255 - This is serious, all right? - Yeah, no. 191 00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:41,053 - Good, 'cause I care about you-- - Yeah, thanks. 192 00:07:41,092 --> 00:07:42,957 - --not just 'cause-- - Good to see you. 193 00:07:42,994 --> 00:07:44,655 - And you. - I'm gonna call Richie right now. 194 00:07:44,695 --> 00:07:46,390 - Thanks, Ant-- - Antoinette. 195 00:07:46,430 --> 00:07:48,022 - Yeah. - I'll take care of that. 196 00:07:48,065 --> 00:07:50,795 - Okay, thank you, Larry. Thanks so much. - Okay. 197 00:07:54,872 --> 00:07:56,840 Hi, it's Richard. Leave a message. 198 00:07:56,874 --> 00:07:58,899 Hey, Richard, it's Larry. 199 00:07:58,943 --> 00:08:00,911 Matt Tessler just asked me 200 00:08:00,945 --> 00:08:02,810 to recommend him for your pilot... 201 00:08:02,847 --> 00:08:05,179 ...so this is me calling 202 00:08:05,216 --> 00:08:07,480 to recommend-- 203 00:08:07,518 --> 00:08:09,543 "recommend" him. 204 00:08:09,587 --> 00:08:12,351 So in case he ever asks you 205 00:08:12,390 --> 00:08:15,689 if I recommended him, you can tell him 206 00:08:15,726 --> 00:08:17,990 that in fact I did 207 00:08:18,029 --> 00:08:21,021 recommend him. 208 00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:22,930 All right, I'll talk to you later. 209 00:08:26,337 --> 00:08:28,305 - Hi. - Hi. 210 00:08:28,339 --> 00:08:30,603 Just sign in, please, and have a seat. 211 00:08:30,641 --> 00:08:32,233 Shouldn't be too long. 212 00:08:32,276 --> 00:08:34,710 I have a little problem with this-- 213 00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:38,377 these sign-in sheets, you know. 214 00:08:38,416 --> 00:08:40,941 My name's right out in the open here. 215 00:08:40,985 --> 00:08:44,148 It's a bit of a privacy issue. 216 00:08:44,188 --> 00:08:46,850 There's no shame in having to come 217 00:08:46,891 --> 00:08:48,688 to the gastroenterologist's office. 218 00:08:48,726 --> 00:08:50,557 It's a little embarrassing maybe, you know. 219 00:08:50,594 --> 00:08:52,824 We could just put a sign up on the wall saying, 220 00:08:52,863 --> 00:08:55,889 "Larry David was here." Why don't we do that? 221 00:08:55,933 --> 00:08:57,560 You know, I have to tell you 222 00:08:57,601 --> 00:08:59,000 I've worked here for four years 223 00:08:59,036 --> 00:09:00,731 and I've never had anyone come in 224 00:09:00,771 --> 00:09:03,296 and, like, cruise the list of patient names 225 00:09:03,341 --> 00:09:04,933 for any reason. 226 00:09:04,976 --> 00:09:08,275 What if you are in charge of this, okay, 227 00:09:08,312 --> 00:09:10,007 so this is down here? You keep that. 228 00:09:10,047 --> 00:09:11,674 I don't like that. First of all, 229 00:09:11,716 --> 00:09:13,445 I only get paid $9 an hour, 230 00:09:13,484 --> 00:09:15,679 so it's a little more responsibility than I'm used to, 231 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,153 to keep track of patients. 232 00:09:17,188 --> 00:09:19,315 Second of all, I can't even make decisions. 233 00:09:19,357 --> 00:09:20,949 You have to take it up with the home office. 234 00:09:20,992 --> 00:09:23,688 I would like to take it up with the home office. See, you didn't think 235 00:09:23,728 --> 00:09:26,162 - I was gonna take you up on that. - No, I did think you were. 236 00:09:26,197 --> 00:09:29,166 - You strike me as that type. - Well, things like this interest me. 237 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:32,601 I'm not an inventor, but I'm an improver. 238 00:09:32,636 --> 00:09:34,536 I improve things that are broken. 239 00:09:34,572 --> 00:09:36,199 This is broken. This system is broken. 240 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,867 I'd like to improve it. 241 00:09:37,908 --> 00:09:40,570 Great. I'm assuming you're a new patient, 242 00:09:40,611 --> 00:09:42,272 'cause I think I would have remembered you. 243 00:09:42,313 --> 00:09:44,543 - So please fill that out. - Okay. 244 00:09:48,352 --> 00:09:51,082 What would you do if I sat there, huh? 245 00:09:51,122 --> 00:09:54,148 You'd be a little freaked out if I sat there, wouldn't you, honestly? 246 00:09:54,191 --> 00:09:57,160 - A little bit. A little bit. - I think a lot. 247 00:09:57,194 --> 00:09:59,185 Yeah, that's a little creepy. 248 00:09:59,230 --> 00:10:00,424 What are you reading? 249 00:10:00,464 --> 00:10:02,728 It is called "Showbiz Insider." 250 00:10:02,767 --> 00:10:05,429 - Really? - I like to feel like an insider when-- 251 00:10:05,469 --> 00:10:08,666 - Pretty heady stuff. Wow. - Yes, very heady stuff. 252 00:10:08,706 --> 00:10:10,833 Many are called. Few are chosen. 253 00:10:10,875 --> 00:10:13,275 You must be very very bright. 254 00:10:13,310 --> 00:10:15,437 Yes. 255 00:10:15,479 --> 00:10:17,640 Where are you from, New York? 256 00:10:17,681 --> 00:10:19,649 - I'm picking up an accent. - Yeah. 257 00:10:19,683 --> 00:10:21,878 Yeah. You from New York? 258 00:10:21,919 --> 00:10:23,284 Yeah. 259 00:10:25,022 --> 00:10:27,115 But I'm not a Jew, if that's what you're thinking. 260 00:10:28,526 --> 00:10:30,687 'Cause I saw your wheels spinning. 261 00:10:30,728 --> 00:10:34,494 That's uncanny. It's like there's a window into my soul 262 00:10:34,532 --> 00:10:36,056 and you can just really read me. 263 00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,863 I read you loud and clear, sister. 264 00:10:37,902 --> 00:10:40,370 - Yes. - Yeah. 265 00:10:40,404 --> 00:10:42,031 Are you okay, by the way? Do you have any-- 266 00:10:42,073 --> 00:10:44,871 you have some terrible medical problem that brought you here? 267 00:10:44,909 --> 00:10:47,309 I'm fine. Checkup. 268 00:10:47,344 --> 00:10:50,245 - Checkup? - Mmm. 269 00:10:50,281 --> 00:10:52,681 Hmm, really? 270 00:10:52,716 --> 00:10:54,377 You? 271 00:10:54,418 --> 00:10:56,010 - Checkup. - Really? 272 00:10:56,053 --> 00:10:58,283 - Yeah. - Huh. 273 00:10:58,322 --> 00:11:00,722 - How about that? - Let me ask you a question: 274 00:11:00,758 --> 00:11:02,658 did you ever go out with a bald guy? 275 00:11:04,261 --> 00:11:06,388 - Yeah. - How did you find it? 276 00:11:06,430 --> 00:11:08,022 It was magical. 277 00:11:08,065 --> 00:11:10,158 - Yeah? See? - Yes. 278 00:11:10,201 --> 00:11:13,329 How am I doing on the flirt so far? 279 00:11:13,370 --> 00:11:15,338 - How would you assess it? - Um... 280 00:11:15,372 --> 00:11:17,863 - Pretty good? - I'm-- well, 7.5. 281 00:11:17,908 --> 00:11:19,705 - 7.5? Really? - 7.5, yeah. 282 00:11:19,743 --> 00:11:22,211 - You're tough. - Larry David? 283 00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:23,611 - You're up. - All right. 284 00:11:23,647 --> 00:11:25,842 Well, they have called for me. 285 00:11:25,883 --> 00:11:27,316 Larry? 286 00:11:27,351 --> 00:11:30,445 I guess I'll go in for my checkup. 287 00:11:31,555 --> 00:11:34,149 - Checkup. - Nice talking to you. 288 00:11:34,191 --> 00:11:35,715 Good luck. 289 00:11:37,394 --> 00:11:38,918 So long. 290 00:11:41,198 --> 00:11:43,166 Hello, Mr. David. How are you? 291 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,395 - Good. - Good. All right. 292 00:11:45,436 --> 00:11:47,996 Oh, you know my cousin Matt Tessler. 293 00:11:48,038 --> 00:11:49,505 Oh, Matt's your cousin? Oh, yeah. 294 00:11:49,540 --> 00:11:51,474 Oh, right. Oh, thank you for this... 295 00:11:51,509 --> 00:11:53,033 Yeah, sure sure sure. 296 00:11:53,077 --> 00:11:55,102 So let me ask you, Mr. David, 297 00:11:55,146 --> 00:11:56,977 why are you here to see the doctor? 298 00:11:57,014 --> 00:11:59,608 Um... 299 00:11:59,650 --> 00:12:02,016 I'd just as soon tell the doctor. 300 00:12:02,052 --> 00:12:04,520 It's okay. I've got to take all the information first 301 00:12:04,555 --> 00:12:07,217 and I give it to the doctor. So why don't you tell me the reason you're here? 302 00:12:07,258 --> 00:12:09,192 I know, but if the doctor's gonna come in here, 303 00:12:09,226 --> 00:12:11,285 why not just tell the doctor? I don't see why 304 00:12:11,328 --> 00:12:13,694 I need to tell you and-- then you have to tell the doctor. 305 00:12:13,731 --> 00:12:16,165 - Well... - Why not just tell him directly? 306 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,259 I'm going to New York. Why am I stopping off in Florida? 307 00:12:18,302 --> 00:12:20,998 Mm-hmm. Policy is that I take the information down first 308 00:12:21,038 --> 00:12:23,438 and I give it to him. He'll come in and go over this. 309 00:12:23,474 --> 00:12:25,271 So he'll have it all written down. 310 00:12:25,309 --> 00:12:27,004 He won't have to go through all of the questions again. 311 00:12:27,044 --> 00:12:29,239 - This whole thing is askew, your system. - Mm-hmm. 312 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,646 The doctor should be in here right now. We could be saving time. 313 00:12:31,682 --> 00:12:33,377 He's got other patients that he's dealing with, 314 00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:36,284 so what I'm here-- I pretty much cut the time in half with him. 315 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,686 Cut the time in half? So you intercept him in the hall? 316 00:12:38,722 --> 00:12:40,519 He's gonna get the information and then what, 317 00:12:40,558 --> 00:12:42,617 run to the internet to look it up? No. 318 00:12:42,660 --> 00:12:45,527 - He's gonna hear it from you. - Doctors and nurses work hand in hand. 319 00:12:45,563 --> 00:12:47,793 I just need the information. If you could just give it to me-- 320 00:12:47,831 --> 00:12:50,026 I'm not that comfortable telling you, frankly. 321 00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,830 I need to take it down before I can leave. 322 00:12:51,869 --> 00:12:55,498 Okay, I have a gerbil up my ass. 323 00:12:55,539 --> 00:12:58,508 That's my problem. 324 00:13:01,045 --> 00:13:03,775 How long has it been there? 325 00:13:03,814 --> 00:13:06,874 Two days. 326 00:13:08,719 --> 00:13:10,778 Okay, thank you. The doctor will be right with you. 327 00:13:10,821 --> 00:13:12,812 Fine. Happy? 328 00:13:15,893 --> 00:13:17,690 - Mr. David. - Hello, Doctor. 329 00:13:17,728 --> 00:13:19,696 - Larry, nice to see you. - Okay. 330 00:13:19,730 --> 00:13:21,698 I was wondering if you could tell me 331 00:13:21,732 --> 00:13:24,223 what seems to be the problem. 332 00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:40,577 Hey, what happened-- 333 00:13:40,618 --> 00:13:42,483 what happened to the sign-in sheet? 334 00:13:42,519 --> 00:13:44,851 Oh, I called our corporate headquarters 335 00:13:44,888 --> 00:13:46,685 off your suggestion and they loved it. 336 00:13:46,724 --> 00:13:49,215 - So there's a new policy. - What? 337 00:13:49,260 --> 00:13:51,228 It's private, just like you wanted. 338 00:13:51,262 --> 00:13:53,321 No no no, I don't want that. 339 00:13:53,364 --> 00:13:56,765 You're listening to me? I don't know what I'm talking about. 340 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,791 Put the sign-in sheet back on. 341 00:13:58,836 --> 00:14:00,997 - I can't. No. - What? 342 00:14:01,038 --> 00:14:02,505 You can't see this now. 343 00:14:05,442 --> 00:14:07,603 First of all, I've got to tell you something, 344 00:14:07,645 --> 00:14:09,613 - okay? - Yes. 345 00:14:09,647 --> 00:14:11,615 I want to apologize 346 00:14:11,649 --> 00:14:13,844 for the way I behaved earlier. 347 00:14:13,884 --> 00:14:15,852 Mr. David, 348 00:14:15,886 --> 00:14:18,218 you don't have to play games with me. 349 00:14:18,255 --> 00:14:19,813 - I don't? - No. 350 00:14:19,857 --> 00:14:22,587 Are you looking for Christopher? 351 00:14:22,626 --> 00:14:24,287 No. 352 00:14:24,328 --> 00:14:26,819 - Andrew? - Keep going. 353 00:14:26,864 --> 00:14:28,024 Paula? 354 00:14:28,065 --> 00:14:29,726 Aha. 355 00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:32,361 - You cannot tell. I could get fired. - No no no, never. 356 00:14:32,403 --> 00:14:34,871 - No no no no. - I have no formal education. 357 00:14:34,905 --> 00:14:36,964 - No no no no no. - Okay. 358 00:14:37,007 --> 00:14:39,475 Be careful. 359 00:14:39,510 --> 00:14:41,535 - Thank you. - She looks like a live wire. 360 00:14:43,881 --> 00:14:45,849 - You called her? - Yeah. 361 00:14:45,883 --> 00:14:48,317 So where are you going to take her on a date? 362 00:14:48,352 --> 00:14:49,876 I'm gonna take her to the movies maybe. 363 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:51,854 That's great. 364 00:14:51,889 --> 00:14:53,857 The question is, why was she at that-- 365 00:14:53,891 --> 00:14:55,859 what kind of doctor was that again? 366 00:14:55,893 --> 00:14:58,020 - Mm, gastroenterologist. - So what was she doing there? 367 00:14:58,062 --> 00:14:59,495 - That's the question. - Oh my God. 368 00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:01,122 Why was she there? I don't know. 369 00:15:01,165 --> 00:15:03,133 I hope she doesn't have the same thing I do. 370 00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:05,158 Well, that's a good thing. It'll go away. 371 00:15:05,202 --> 00:15:06,726 Yeah. 372 00:15:06,770 --> 00:15:08,237 Let me ask you a question: 373 00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:10,797 How much will you give me to start gargling now? 374 00:15:10,841 --> 00:15:13,002 - 50 bucks. - You'll give me 50 bucks? 375 00:15:13,043 --> 00:15:14,670 - 50 bucks. - Take it out of your pocket. 376 00:15:14,712 --> 00:15:16,771 Mm-hmm. Mmm. 377 00:15:16,814 --> 00:15:19,112 Just do it. What, you don't trust me? 378 00:15:21,418 --> 00:15:24,251 Here you go. 379 00:15:25,823 --> 00:15:27,848 - I just got 50 bucks. - No, now that doesn't count. 380 00:15:27,891 --> 00:15:29,882 - No, you can't do that. - No, what are you talking about? 381 00:15:29,927 --> 00:15:32,395 I would have paid that happily. It was so enjoyable. 382 00:15:32,429 --> 00:15:36,160 It was so enjoyable and you ruined it with "I just got 50 bucks." 383 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,794 Let me ask you a question: Tessler's still one of your clients? 384 00:15:38,836 --> 00:15:41,168 Yeah. He's coming to the bat mitzvah. 385 00:15:41,205 --> 00:15:42,968 You know who else is coming to the bat mitzvah? 386 00:15:43,006 --> 00:15:44,598 My newest client John Legend. 387 00:15:44,641 --> 00:15:47,405 He's a huge R&B singer. 388 00:15:47,444 --> 00:15:48,934 I have no idea who this guy is. 389 00:15:48,979 --> 00:15:50,913 - Do you know who anyone is? - No. 390 00:15:50,948 --> 00:15:52,677 When was the last time 391 00:15:52,716 --> 00:15:54,411 - you bought an album? - 1972? 392 00:15:54,451 --> 00:15:56,976 - '72? So you know no one. - No, I know nothing. 393 00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:59,386 Anyhow, he's my client now. He's coming 394 00:15:59,423 --> 00:16:01,789 to the bat mitzvah. He's gonna sing. 395 00:16:01,825 --> 00:16:04,123 Well, maybe I'll bring this woman. 396 00:16:04,161 --> 00:16:06,755 You know, if we get along tonight, I'm gonna ask her. 397 00:16:06,797 --> 00:16:09,197 'Cause you gotta bring somebody. Cheryl's coming with that guy. 398 00:16:09,233 --> 00:16:11,030 - You gotta be there with somebody. - Absolutely. 399 00:16:11,068 --> 00:16:13,036 Why don't we double-date tonight? 400 00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:15,231 You know what? Susie and I were talking about going to the movies. 401 00:16:15,272 --> 00:16:16,500 You're kidding. Let's do it. 402 00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:17,871 Perfect. I can check her out. 403 00:16:22,913 --> 00:16:24,904 I haven't dated in a while. Who pays? 404 00:16:24,948 --> 00:16:27,746 - You pay. - Don't be ridiculous. You pay. 405 00:16:27,785 --> 00:16:29,548 - I do? - Yes, you pay. 406 00:16:29,586 --> 00:16:31,816 - Larry's not used to dating. - Clearly, yes. 407 00:16:31,855 --> 00:16:34,323 - No, I haven't dated in a long time. - No, a long time. 408 00:16:34,358 --> 00:16:37,919 What do I do? Am I allowed to hold hands during the mo--? 409 00:16:37,961 --> 00:16:40,259 - I don't know if there's rules-- - Is there a rule? 410 00:16:40,297 --> 00:16:43,960 Excuse me. 411 00:16:44,001 --> 00:16:45,969 Thank you. 412 00:16:46,003 --> 00:16:48,164 Hi. 413 00:16:48,205 --> 00:16:52,403 One movie. 414 00:16:52,443 --> 00:16:54,434 Thank you. 415 00:16:58,715 --> 00:17:01,275 - Don't you want to sit on the aisle? - No. 416 00:17:01,318 --> 00:17:03,616 - I was being nice. - Center's better. 417 00:17:03,654 --> 00:17:05,986 Center? Why? You think there's a big difference 418 00:17:06,023 --> 00:17:07,650 - over there from here? - Yes, this is good. 419 00:17:07,691 --> 00:17:09,750 As long as a giant man doesn't sit 420 00:17:09,793 --> 00:17:11,988 - in front of me. - Or a giant woman. 421 00:17:13,030 --> 00:17:14,895 - Oh my God. - What? 422 00:17:14,932 --> 00:17:16,900 This guy. That's the guy 423 00:17:16,934 --> 00:17:19,232 who walked past the line to get his ticket before. 424 00:17:19,269 --> 00:17:21,066 - Oh, yeah. - Pete! 425 00:17:21,104 --> 00:17:22,594 - Look at him. - I think it is. 426 00:17:22,639 --> 00:17:24,732 Oh my God. He was faking. 427 00:17:24,775 --> 00:17:26,208 - Are you kidding me? - No. 428 00:17:26,243 --> 00:17:28,211 That's really good. 429 00:17:28,245 --> 00:17:30,110 - Oh my God. - Holy shit. 430 00:17:30,147 --> 00:17:32,012 I gotta take my hat off to him. 431 00:17:32,049 --> 00:17:34,517 I gotta tell ya, that's pretty good. 432 00:17:55,772 --> 00:17:56,932 Are you okay? 433 00:17:56,974 --> 00:17:58,839 Yeah, I'm fine. 434 00:17:58,876 --> 00:18:00,776 Why? Why are you asking me that? 435 00:18:00,811 --> 00:18:02,802 No reason. 436 00:18:08,585 --> 00:18:10,553 Everything okay with you? 437 00:18:10,587 --> 00:18:12,555 Yeah, fine. 438 00:18:12,589 --> 00:18:13,749 Are you sure? 439 00:18:13,790 --> 00:18:15,985 Yeah. Why shouldn't it be? 440 00:18:16,026 --> 00:18:17,994 It's just you're squirming a lot. 441 00:18:18,028 --> 00:18:19,393 You're squirming more than I am. 442 00:18:19,429 --> 00:18:20,760 Well, my seat is uncomfortable. 443 00:18:20,797 --> 00:18:22,458 Yeah, my seat's uncomfortable too. 444 00:18:22,499 --> 00:18:24,899 I know. We're in agreement. 445 00:18:24,935 --> 00:18:26,835 Why did you say you went 446 00:18:26,870 --> 00:18:28,633 to that gastroenterologist's again? 447 00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:30,469 - I was there for a checkup. - A checkup? 448 00:18:30,507 --> 00:18:32,600 - Yes. Why do you keep asking me that? - I've never heard 449 00:18:32,643 --> 00:18:35,111 of anybody going to a gastroenterologist for a checkup. 450 00:18:35,145 --> 00:18:37,113 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 451 00:18:37,147 --> 00:18:39,115 That's what you were doing there. 452 00:18:39,149 --> 00:18:41,413 - Is that what I said? - Yes, that's what you said. 453 00:18:44,755 --> 00:18:47,622 Honestly, I'm just really kind of bored with this movie. 454 00:18:49,493 --> 00:18:50,790 It's not so bad. 455 00:18:50,827 --> 00:18:53,557 I really want to go. Can we go? 456 00:18:53,597 --> 00:18:55,292 Please. 457 00:18:55,332 --> 00:18:57,300 Are you gonna drag me out of this movie 458 00:18:57,334 --> 00:18:59,063 with five minutes to go? That's insane. 459 00:18:59,102 --> 00:19:02,503 It's not five minutes. This is the world's worst film 460 00:19:02,539 --> 00:19:04,598 I've ever seen and I really want to go. 461 00:19:04,641 --> 00:19:06,472 Come on, five more minutes. 462 00:19:06,510 --> 00:19:09,638 What do you gain by staying? You don't care about this story. 463 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,170 I finish things I start. 464 00:19:11,214 --> 00:19:12,738 Books-- they could be 500 pages, 465 00:19:12,783 --> 00:19:14,808 once I start them, even if I hate it, I'll finish it. 466 00:19:14,851 --> 00:19:16,819 I have friends who I can't stand, 467 00:19:16,853 --> 00:19:19,788 you know, for, like, 25 years. 468 00:19:19,823 --> 00:19:21,791 I'm still friends with them. 469 00:19:21,825 --> 00:19:23,588 Why? 470 00:19:23,627 --> 00:19:26,152 Because I stay to the end, till they're dead. 471 00:19:26,196 --> 00:19:28,426 I go down with the ship. That's what I do. 472 00:19:28,465 --> 00:19:30,433 I'm not even the captain, I'm going down with the ship. 473 00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:32,298 That's how I want you to think about me: 474 00:19:32,336 --> 00:19:34,304 I'm the guy who keeps the captain company. 475 00:19:37,341 --> 00:19:39,639 I can't watch this. 476 00:19:41,578 --> 00:19:44,638 Excuse me. I'm sorry. 477 00:19:44,681 --> 00:19:46,672 - Where is she going? - I don't-- 478 00:19:48,418 --> 00:19:51,114 - She was bored. - It's almost over. 479 00:19:51,154 --> 00:19:52,621 I know. I told her. 480 00:19:52,656 --> 00:19:54,283 It's five minutes to go. It's crazy. 481 00:19:54,324 --> 00:19:55,985 You'd better go out after her. 482 00:19:56,026 --> 00:19:58,085 - She's not gonna wait for you. - You don't expect 483 00:19:58,128 --> 00:20:00,426 somebody else to leave if you're walking out of the movie. 484 00:20:00,464 --> 00:20:03,558 - You don't understand women. - You don't understand etiquette. 485 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,591 Fine. 486 00:20:20,651 --> 00:20:23,211 - Where is she? - She's not here. 487 00:20:23,253 --> 00:20:25,380 - Are you surprised? - Can you believe it? 488 00:20:25,422 --> 00:20:27,652 - Yeah, that's rude. - I told you she was gonna leave. 489 00:20:27,691 --> 00:20:29,682 - That was completely rude, unbelievable. - By the way, 490 00:20:29,726 --> 00:20:31,717 I timed it. There were six minutes left in that movie. 491 00:20:31,762 --> 00:20:34,390 Irrelevant, Larry. She was not gonna wait for you. 492 00:20:34,431 --> 00:20:36,831 I invested an hour and a half. I'm supposed to leave 493 00:20:36,867 --> 00:20:39,097 - with six minutes to go? - The last six minutes. That's craziness. 494 00:20:39,136 --> 00:20:41,468 So, fine. You were right and now you're alone. 495 00:20:41,505 --> 00:20:45,066 Yeah, well, she has a tickle in her anus anyway. 496 00:20:45,108 --> 00:20:48,077 - She has a tickle in her anus? - I think so. She was squirming in her seat. 497 00:20:48,111 --> 00:20:49,442 I don't wanna hear it. Let's go. 498 00:20:49,479 --> 00:20:51,276 You know what? That movie stunk, by the way. 499 00:20:51,314 --> 00:20:54,681 No, it was great. You're crazy. 500 00:20:54,718 --> 00:20:56,276 So you're not gonna go to the bat mitzvah? 501 00:20:56,319 --> 00:20:58,184 Eh, I don't want to go by myself. 502 00:20:58,221 --> 00:21:00,155 And Cheryl's gonna be there with this guy. 503 00:21:00,190 --> 00:21:02,021 So we'll get you a date-- 504 00:21:02,059 --> 00:21:05,085 my next-door neighbor. She's a belly dancer. 505 00:21:05,128 --> 00:21:06,857 She also was in Cirque du Soleil. 506 00:21:06,897 --> 00:21:08,660 Yeah, that's the one with the nose rings, right? 507 00:21:08,699 --> 00:21:11,293 - She can take 'em out. - Then there's a hole in the nose. 508 00:21:11,334 --> 00:21:13,063 We'll just cover it with makeup. 509 00:21:13,103 --> 00:21:16,095 Blech! 510 00:21:16,139 --> 00:21:17,800 Do you want any coffee? I'm gonna go get coffee. 511 00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:19,866 No, I don't want anything. 512 00:21:19,910 --> 00:21:23,209 This way. This is the one I was telling you that I think is just perfect. 513 00:21:23,246 --> 00:21:25,441 - This is great. - Yeah, available the first of the month. 514 00:21:25,482 --> 00:21:27,313 All we need is your signature on the paperwork. 515 00:21:27,350 --> 00:21:29,818 - That's great. Two months upfront? - Upfront. 516 00:21:29,853 --> 00:21:32,253 - Two parking spaces. It's all yours. - How do you heat it? 517 00:21:32,289 --> 00:21:34,519 Oh, you've got your own thermostat right there, see? 518 00:21:34,558 --> 00:21:37,527 I've got to take this. Will you excuse me for one second? 519 00:21:37,561 --> 00:21:40,462 - I'll be right back. - Sure. Yeah, okay, good. 520 00:21:41,465 --> 00:21:42,898 Hi, I'm just-- 521 00:21:42,933 --> 00:21:45,060 Hello! 522 00:21:45,102 --> 00:21:47,798 - How are you? - I'm-- I'm good. 523 00:21:47,838 --> 00:21:50,466 Are you renting the office... 524 00:21:50,507 --> 00:21:52,634 - ...next door? - I'm thinking about it. 525 00:21:52,676 --> 00:21:56,635 That's very good. We'll be friends. 526 00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:00,047 Well, you know, I'm looking at several places. 527 00:22:00,083 --> 00:22:02,278 - I should probably catch up-- - We'll go to lunch together. 528 00:22:02,319 --> 00:22:04,253 - Yeah. - Every day, every day. 529 00:22:04,287 --> 00:22:06,778 - Every day. - Every day, lunch. 530 00:22:06,823 --> 00:22:09,018 Uh, listen, you're probably busy. 531 00:22:09,059 --> 00:22:10,686 No, I'm not. I have nothing to do here. 532 00:22:10,727 --> 00:22:12,922 I've got to find the office manager. Thank you. 533 00:22:12,963 --> 00:22:14,828 Goodbye. Bye. 534 00:22:14,865 --> 00:22:17,026 I hope you rent the office. 535 00:22:17,067 --> 00:22:19,501 Larry, wh--? 536 00:22:19,536 --> 00:22:21,629 - Oh, hey. - Am I interrupting something? 537 00:22:21,671 --> 00:22:23,138 No. 538 00:22:23,173 --> 00:22:25,141 I just came by to say thanks 539 00:22:25,175 --> 00:22:27,075 for the recommendation. I got the gig. 540 00:22:27,110 --> 00:22:28,737 - You got the job? - Yeah. 541 00:22:28,779 --> 00:22:31,247 What's this about? Is this supposed to be funny? 542 00:22:31,281 --> 00:22:32,612 No no no. 543 00:22:32,649 --> 00:22:35,049 Someone was gonna rent the office next door... 544 00:22:35,085 --> 00:22:37,645 This is how you welcome him? You use some humor? 545 00:22:37,687 --> 00:22:40,451 No no no, it was a test to see if he's a tolerant person. 546 00:22:40,490 --> 00:22:42,515 And anyone who's not is no neighbor of mine. 547 00:22:42,559 --> 00:22:44,424 I know somebody who wouldn't find this funny at all. 548 00:22:44,461 --> 00:22:47,328 He's a 10-year-old boy named Max and he lives in my house-- 549 00:22:47,364 --> 00:22:49,525 - who's not gonna think that's so funny. - Oh, Jeez. 550 00:22:49,566 --> 00:22:51,534 This is what you do? You sit on your ass 551 00:22:51,568 --> 00:22:53,559 - making fun of retarded people? - Oh, come on. 552 00:22:53,603 --> 00:22:55,400 - Un-fucking-believable. - I was just, you know-- 553 00:22:55,438 --> 00:22:56,905 I'm really disappointed in you. 554 00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:59,067 I would rent an office to your son. 555 00:22:59,109 --> 00:23:01,543 My son has an office on the right hand of Jesus. 556 00:23:01,578 --> 00:23:04,138 Hey, you know what's really funny? 557 00:23:04,181 --> 00:23:07,344 A successful writer-producer who puts gerbils up his ass for fun. 558 00:23:07,384 --> 00:23:10,410 - What? What? - I talked to Kai. I talked to my cousin. 559 00:23:10,453 --> 00:23:12,648 - That's why you had to see the doctor. - Oh, that's bullshit. 560 00:23:12,689 --> 00:23:14,714 - 'Cause you have gerbils in your ass. - I made that up, you moron. 561 00:23:14,758 --> 00:23:16,817 - Why would you make that up? - Because I didn't feel 562 00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:19,090 - like telling her what was wrong with me. - That doesn't make any sense. 563 00:23:19,129 --> 00:23:22,394 And you know what? I think a lot of people would get a kick out of this. 564 00:23:22,432 --> 00:23:24,423 I really do. Fuck you, Larry. 565 00:23:24,467 --> 00:23:26,230 Let's just try it out on the street. 566 00:23:26,269 --> 00:23:28,703 - Hey, no, I made that up. - Hey, wanna hear something funny? 567 00:23:28,738 --> 00:23:30,330 Hey, you wanna hear something funny? 568 00:23:36,279 --> 00:23:39,043 So sorry. Do we still have time to do it? 569 00:23:39,082 --> 00:23:40,879 - I'm sorry. - No. I'm late now. 570 00:23:40,917 --> 00:23:42,782 - It's too late for lunch? - It's too late for lunch 571 00:23:42,819 --> 00:23:44,377 and it's too late for my career 572 00:23:44,421 --> 00:23:46,082 and you fucked me with Tessler. 573 00:23:46,122 --> 00:23:48,522 - He's not working out? - He sucks! 574 00:23:48,558 --> 00:23:50,685 - He doesn't know comedy. - I know that, I know. 575 00:23:50,727 --> 00:23:52,854 He should be selling fabrics. 576 00:23:52,896 --> 00:23:54,693 Why'd you hire him? 577 00:23:54,731 --> 00:23:56,665 How d--? You-- 578 00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:58,759 my friend of 47 years-- you recommended him. 579 00:23:58,802 --> 00:24:01,168 Oh, I recommended him? When I called you 580 00:24:01,204 --> 00:24:03,263 I told you that he asked me to recommend him... 581 00:24:03,306 --> 00:24:04,830 - What--? - ...so I'm "recommending" him. 582 00:24:04,875 --> 00:24:06,365 I put quotes around it. 583 00:24:06,409 --> 00:24:08,434 Why'd you "recommend" him, Mr. Quotehead? 584 00:24:08,478 --> 00:24:11,447 I thought that you would pick up that it was a non-recommend recommend. 585 00:24:11,481 --> 00:24:14,109 You know, life is very brief, okay? 586 00:24:14,150 --> 00:24:16,118 And you know I need a good series. 587 00:24:16,152 --> 00:24:19,383 - Is life too short? You think it's too short? - Yeah. 588 00:24:19,422 --> 00:24:22,448 - It's too short, isn't it? - But now my life is fucking way short. 589 00:24:22,492 --> 00:24:24,323 - I'm sorry. - You ruined my fucking pilot 590 00:24:24,361 --> 00:24:25,658 because of your recommendation. 591 00:24:25,695 --> 00:24:28,163 I can see if it came from a skinhead... 592 00:24:28,198 --> 00:24:30,166 - Yeah. - ...or one of Ben Laden's people. 593 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,100 You call him Ben Laden or Bin Laden? 594 00:24:32,135 --> 00:24:33,830 I don't know. 595 00:24:33,870 --> 00:24:35,963 You called him Ben. That's almost like a Jewish name. 596 00:24:36,006 --> 00:24:37,803 That's true. Ben Laden does sound 597 00:24:37,841 --> 00:24:39,741 - like a shirt-maker in Manhattan. - Yes, I know. 598 00:24:39,776 --> 00:24:41,767 "Let's go to Ben Laden's. They got great collars." 599 00:24:41,811 --> 00:24:43,802 Exactly, yeah. Anyway, I'm-- 600 00:24:43,847 --> 00:24:45,781 - No-- - I'm sorry. 601 00:24:45,815 --> 00:24:47,976 Yeah, fine, fi-- 602 00:24:49,185 --> 00:24:50,982 It's true, isn't it? 603 00:24:51,021 --> 00:24:53,990 - Holy shit. - What are you talking about? 604 00:24:54,024 --> 00:24:55,821 Did you stick a gerbil up your ass? 605 00:24:55,859 --> 00:24:58,225 - 'Cause the whole fucking town-- - Are you out of your mind? 606 00:24:58,261 --> 00:25:00,229 It's all over the set. It's everywhere. 607 00:25:00,263 --> 00:25:02,231 - And I said--- - Jesus, 608 00:25:02,265 --> 00:25:04,893 this Tessler is spreading this rumor about me 609 00:25:04,935 --> 00:25:06,527 to get back at me. 610 00:25:06,569 --> 00:25:08,230 It's all over the fucking city now. 611 00:25:08,271 --> 00:25:10,068 It's gonna be on the internet too. 612 00:25:10,106 --> 00:25:12,074 It's everywhere. It's everywhere. 613 00:25:13,576 --> 00:25:15,601 Jesus Christ, did you see the way that guy looked at me? 614 00:25:15,645 --> 00:25:17,636 I'm sure he probably read "Gerbil" magazine 615 00:25:17,681 --> 00:25:19,842 and you're fucking on the cover. 616 00:25:19,883 --> 00:25:22,010 Holy shit. 617 00:25:22,052 --> 00:25:25,954 You know, I do have a tickle in my anus. 618 00:25:25,989 --> 00:25:27,957 Oh, really? 619 00:25:27,991 --> 00:25:30,255 - Yeah. - I gotta split. 620 00:25:34,164 --> 00:25:36,155 Hi, Carol. 621 00:25:37,300 --> 00:25:39,268 Carol, 622 00:25:39,302 --> 00:25:41,202 it's not true. 623 00:25:42,605 --> 00:25:44,698 ...some crazy shit. 624 00:25:44,741 --> 00:25:46,709 - It's missing. And you hear this shit. - Leon! 625 00:25:46,743 --> 00:25:49,109 Leon, I don't really think he would do something like that. 626 00:25:49,145 --> 00:25:50,806 - I don't think-- - You don't know, Loretta. 627 00:25:50,847 --> 00:25:53,111 Think about it. Look, the gerbil's missing, right? 628 00:25:53,149 --> 00:25:55,242 And then you hear this shit's going on. Come on now. 629 00:25:55,285 --> 00:25:57,412 Add this shit up. Add this shit up. 630 00:25:57,454 --> 00:25:59,945 Here he comes now. What's going on? What's going on, Larry? 631 00:25:59,990 --> 00:26:02,891 The gerbil got on the elevator, hit "up" and went up your asshole? 632 00:26:02,926 --> 00:26:05,360 - Is that what happened? - Leon! 633 00:26:05,395 --> 00:26:08,694 I can't believe that this thing has already gotten to this house, 634 00:26:08,732 --> 00:26:11,030 - that you would accuse me of that. - Larry, where's the gerbil? 635 00:26:11,067 --> 00:26:13,433 - I got your back. I don't think you did it. - Thank you. 636 00:26:13,470 --> 00:26:15,097 I didn't even want that thing in the house, 637 00:26:15,138 --> 00:26:17,368 - much less put it up my ass, okay? - Let him out, Larry. 638 00:26:17,407 --> 00:26:20,467 So, wait a minute. Are you saying you didn't do that? 639 00:26:20,510 --> 00:26:22,842 Absolutely. Of course not. Come on, that's insane. 640 00:26:22,879 --> 00:26:24,904 That's what I thought. 641 00:26:24,948 --> 00:26:26,745 I'm still sick about the fact that that thing is 642 00:26:26,783 --> 00:26:28,478 running around the house somewhere. 643 00:26:28,518 --> 00:26:30,918 - Yeah, all right. Whatever, man. - We're done packing. 644 00:26:30,954 --> 00:26:32,751 - All right. - All right, sweetness. 645 00:26:32,789 --> 00:26:35,781 - Hey, y'all got everything together? - Yeah, we're done. 646 00:26:35,825 --> 00:26:38,555 - All right, that's good. - You ready to roll? 647 00:26:38,595 --> 00:26:41,689 Wow, this is really happening, isn't it? 648 00:26:41,731 --> 00:26:43,824 - Oh yeah, we're about ready to bounce. - Yeah. 649 00:26:43,867 --> 00:26:45,630 - When are you going? - Tomorrow. 650 00:26:45,668 --> 00:26:47,795 - Tomorrow? - Mm-hmm. 651 00:26:47,837 --> 00:26:50,772 Can you believe it? 652 00:26:50,807 --> 00:26:53,435 - We're out of here, man. - Oh my God. 653 00:26:53,476 --> 00:26:57,071 - Wow. - It crept up on you, right? 654 00:26:57,113 --> 00:26:59,104 You're gonna miss us, Larry. 655 00:26:59,149 --> 00:27:00,776 We're gonna miss you too, Larry. 656 00:27:00,817 --> 00:27:02,717 All right, don't get my waterworks going here. 657 00:27:02,752 --> 00:27:04,879 - You know how emotional I am. - All right, okay. 658 00:27:04,921 --> 00:27:07,082 We're gonna miss you, Larry. That's deep. 659 00:27:07,123 --> 00:27:10,615 Yeah. All right, I've got to get ready for a bat mitzvah. 660 00:27:10,660 --> 00:27:13,128 - What's that? - It's a Jewish ceremony, you know. 661 00:27:13,163 --> 00:27:14,653 - Oh. - It's a big party. 662 00:27:14,697 --> 00:27:16,790 You don't wanna go with me, do you? 663 00:27:16,833 --> 00:27:19,927 - You want me to go? - Yeah, come on. 664 00:27:19,969 --> 00:27:22,267 Sure, I'll go with you, L.D. 665 00:27:22,305 --> 00:27:24,000 - Beautiful. - Yeah. 666 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:25,974 - A bat mitzvah. - Yeah. 667 00:27:26,009 --> 00:27:29,342 My little girl is so perfect. 668 00:27:43,093 --> 00:27:45,755 - Thank you. How are you doing? - Naches to you. 669 00:27:45,795 --> 00:27:48,127 You saw the early rehearsals. When you left 670 00:27:48,164 --> 00:27:50,564 they had a run-through. The network stormed out. 671 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,933 How in the fuck could my best friend recommend such an asshole? 672 00:27:53,970 --> 00:27:56,837 - Why didn't you say you didn't like him? - Any normal person 673 00:27:56,873 --> 00:27:58,670 would have picked up on what I was trying to say. 674 00:27:58,708 --> 00:28:00,699 Now I'm abnormal. Oh, now I'm not normal. 675 00:28:00,743 --> 00:28:02,711 Yeah, you are abnormal. 676 00:28:02,745 --> 00:28:05,009 You're the most abnormal, jerky nutcase 677 00:28:05,048 --> 00:28:06,879 I've ever met in my entire-- 678 00:28:06,916 --> 00:28:09,476 - you think you're more normal than me? - Fuckin'-A I am. 679 00:28:09,519 --> 00:28:11,510 I'll have a mental patient face-off with you any day. 680 00:28:11,554 --> 00:28:15,046 - Oh, really? - Larr, did you stick a gerbil up your ass? 681 00:28:15,091 --> 00:28:17,252 - Who told you that? - I'm not gonna tell you who told me. 682 00:28:17,293 --> 00:28:19,625 - It's not important. - Of course I didn't stick a gerbil up my ass! 683 00:28:19,662 --> 00:28:21,926 - Don't get so upset. - I'm upset! 684 00:28:21,965 --> 00:28:23,728 - He's telling everyone. - Yeah, he sure is. 685 00:28:23,766 --> 00:28:25,859 Oh my God. 686 00:28:32,041 --> 00:28:34,635 On behalf of my wonderful wife Susie 687 00:28:34,677 --> 00:28:37,145 and myself I want to welcome you. 688 00:28:37,180 --> 00:28:39,239 Thank you all so much for coming. 689 00:28:39,282 --> 00:28:41,750 It means a lot to us, 690 00:28:41,784 --> 00:28:44,150 a lot to Sammie, 691 00:28:44,187 --> 00:28:48,123 I can tell you that. We're very proud of her. 692 00:28:48,158 --> 00:28:50,126 I don't want to embarrass her, 693 00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:52,128 so I'm gonna keep this short and just say 694 00:28:52,162 --> 00:28:54,130 thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 695 00:28:54,164 --> 00:28:56,632 What we're gonna do right now is open it up 696 00:28:56,666 --> 00:28:58,964 to anybody who'd like to say something, 697 00:28:59,002 --> 00:29:01,903 make a toast, whatever. Come on up. 698 00:29:01,938 --> 00:29:04,338 - Yeah, I'm gonna-- - Larry. 699 00:29:04,374 --> 00:29:07,571 - I'd like to say something. - All right. 700 00:29:09,646 --> 00:29:11,375 Hey. Um... 701 00:29:11,414 --> 00:29:15,248 well, first of all, I'm so thrilled 702 00:29:15,285 --> 00:29:17,685 to be here at Sammie's bat mitzvah tonight. 703 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:20,052 - Thank you, Larry. - This is a fantastic occasion. 704 00:29:20,089 --> 00:29:22,284 You know, I've known Sammie 705 00:29:22,325 --> 00:29:24,793 since she was born, actually. 706 00:29:24,827 --> 00:29:26,692 - I was in the hospital, remember? - Yeah. 707 00:29:26,729 --> 00:29:28,663 I was in the hospital that day 708 00:29:28,698 --> 00:29:31,428 and I saw her when she was, like, five minutes old. 709 00:29:31,467 --> 00:29:33,594 It was not a pretty sight for me. 710 00:29:33,636 --> 00:29:36,070 It was the first time I ever saw one of those things, you know. 711 00:29:36,105 --> 00:29:38,665 Um, anyway, what I really want to talk about tonight 712 00:29:38,708 --> 00:29:42,474 is that there's a guest here 713 00:29:42,512 --> 00:29:45,072 spreading a vicious, nasty, scurrilous rumor 714 00:29:45,114 --> 00:29:47,082 about me and a gerbil. 715 00:29:47,116 --> 00:29:48,913 Okay? I'm sure you've heard it. 716 00:29:48,952 --> 00:29:51,944 And there's not a word of truth to it, okay? 717 00:29:51,988 --> 00:29:54,821 He has a personal vendetta, so don't believe one word of that. 718 00:29:54,857 --> 00:29:58,122 It's not true. However, 719 00:29:58,161 --> 00:30:00,129 in the interest of full disclosure 720 00:30:00,163 --> 00:30:02,131 I will tell you that, um, 721 00:30:02,165 --> 00:30:03,996 I do have a tickle in my anus. 722 00:30:04,033 --> 00:30:07,730 And they're slightly related to each other. 723 00:30:07,770 --> 00:30:09,738 What did he say? 724 00:30:09,772 --> 00:30:12,172 The point is, it's not true. I just thought it was 725 00:30:12,208 --> 00:30:14,233 - important to say that. - That's fine, Larry. 726 00:30:14,277 --> 00:30:16,768 - it's not right that he would spread... - Thank you very much. 727 00:30:16,813 --> 00:30:19,475 - ...that vicious rumor. - Larry, thank you very much. Enough. 728 00:30:19,515 --> 00:30:21,745 What are you looking at, Tessler? 729 00:30:21,784 --> 00:30:24,048 I'll put a fist up your ass. 730 00:30:24,087 --> 00:30:26,612 How about that, huh? 731 00:30:26,656 --> 00:30:28,624 Well, um, 732 00:30:28,658 --> 00:30:30,922 if anyone else has a toast, 733 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:32,951 something to say... 734 00:30:51,514 --> 00:30:53,505 I'll be right back. 735 00:30:57,687 --> 00:30:59,245 - Hi. - Hello. 736 00:30:59,289 --> 00:31:01,086 - How are you doing? - Nice to see you. 737 00:31:01,124 --> 00:31:02,989 - Remember Glenn? - Sure. 738 00:31:03,026 --> 00:31:05,256 - Sammie looks cute. - Yeah. 739 00:31:05,295 --> 00:31:08,492 - Very cute. She's all grown up. - Yeah, I know. 740 00:31:08,531 --> 00:31:10,499 - Oh, your underwear-- - Yes. 741 00:31:10,533 --> 00:31:13,229 - --got 'em on. - My underwear? You're in the no-fly zone? 742 00:31:13,269 --> 00:31:15,396 - I'm going right over the fence. - You're over the fence? 743 00:31:15,438 --> 00:31:17,030 - Over the fence. - Did you miss the gate? 744 00:31:17,073 --> 00:31:18,973 - Not at all. - Don't even think about the gate? 745 00:31:19,008 --> 00:31:21,533 - Don't even think about it. - That's wonderful. Thank you. 746 00:31:21,577 --> 00:31:25,138 - You look good. - Oh, thank you, thank you. 747 00:31:27,650 --> 00:31:30,710 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 748 00:31:30,753 --> 00:31:33,688 This one goes out to Sammie. 749 00:31:33,723 --> 00:31:35,190 Would you like to dance? 750 00:31:35,224 --> 00:31:37,454 Um, yes. I mean, if you don't mind. 751 00:31:37,493 --> 00:31:39,484 - No, please. - Would you excuse us? 752 00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:26,305 Would you care to dance? 753 00:32:26,342 --> 00:32:28,333 Thank you. 754 00:33:14,690 --> 00:33:17,887 Wake up, wake up! 755 00:33:20,963 --> 00:33:22,760 Get the ball, Daryl! 756 00:33:22,799 --> 00:33:24,528 Slide tackle, number 2, Black. 757 00:33:24,567 --> 00:33:26,034 - What, you're gonna cite that? - Of course. 758 00:33:26,068 --> 00:33:27,558 What, are you crazy? Are you out of your mind? 759 00:33:27,603 --> 00:33:28,831 Get out of here. 760 00:33:28,871 --> 00:33:30,702 Come on. 761 00:33:32,375 --> 00:33:34,570 Stop playing. Stop playing. 762 00:33:34,610 --> 00:33:36,805 - Would y'all calm down? - Hey, give me that. 763 00:33:36,846 --> 00:33:38,609 - No. - Don't make me come back there. 764 00:33:38,648 --> 00:33:40,309 It's mine. It's mine. 765 00:33:48,724 --> 00:33:51,852 Oh, fuck you, Larry. Bullshit, motherfucker. 766 00:33:51,894 --> 00:33:53,987 - I didn't know. - You are such a bald asshole! 767 00:33:54,030 --> 00:33:56,965 - I can't begin to tell you. - Who the fuck you think you're talking to? 768 00:33:56,999 --> 00:33:58,466 Don't nobody talk to my man like that. 769 00:33:58,501 --> 00:34:00,492 You'd better get your ass out of my house, 770 00:34:00,536 --> 00:34:03,096 - you fucking bitch. - Goodbye. 771 00:34:03,139 --> 00:34:04,606 Get your smile on. Get your smile on. 772 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:06,107 Get your smile on, come on. 773 00:34:06,142 --> 00:34:08,110 Am I smiling? Here we go.