1 00:00:02,614 --> 00:00:04,314 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:04,515 --> 00:00:08,972 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 3 00:00:09,158 --> 00:00:11,592 - ( chatter ) - Larry: Where's our food? 4 00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:14,527 It's-- the service of this place, it's horrible. 5 00:00:14,529 --> 00:00:15,695 - Taking a year. - I know. 6 00:00:15,697 --> 00:00:17,564 - What the hell? - I know. 7 00:00:17,566 --> 00:00:19,132 I confirmed it, by the way. 8 00:00:19,134 --> 00:00:21,768 Cheryl and Ted are a thing. 9 00:00:21,770 --> 00:00:24,338 They went to Hawaii together. 10 00:00:24,340 --> 00:00:27,341 - Really? - Yeah. Yeah. 11 00:00:27,343 --> 00:00:30,810 - Jeez. - So, this is really hard to look at. 12 00:00:30,812 --> 00:00:32,712 Yeah, well, how do you think I feel? 13 00:00:32,714 --> 00:00:34,080 - You think I enjoy it? - Okay. 14 00:00:34,082 --> 00:00:36,115 I never should've done that show. 15 00:00:36,117 --> 00:00:37,550 That "Kimmel" show. 16 00:00:37,552 --> 00:00:39,285 God damn it. 17 00:00:39,287 --> 00:00:40,954 Hi, I'm the manager. 18 00:00:40,956 --> 00:00:42,589 There's been a delay in your meals. 19 00:00:42,591 --> 00:00:44,156 I'm very sorry. 20 00:00:44,158 --> 00:00:46,292 There's been a disturbance in the kitchen. 21 00:00:46,294 --> 00:00:47,826 But we're taking care of it. Thanks. 22 00:00:47,828 --> 00:00:49,595 Well, what kind of disturbance? 23 00:00:49,597 --> 00:00:52,831 A general disturbance. 24 00:00:52,833 --> 00:00:55,101 ( laughing ) What's a general disturbance? 25 00:00:55,103 --> 00:00:58,737 Well, let's just say it was a minor hiccup. 26 00:00:58,739 --> 00:01:00,906 Well, was it a hiccup or a disturbance? 27 00:01:00,908 --> 00:01:02,608 It's such a small disturbance, 28 00:01:02,610 --> 00:01:04,977 it might be either one. 29 00:01:04,979 --> 00:01:06,411 What, it's like-- was the chef angry 30 00:01:06,413 --> 00:01:08,514 or did somebody drop some pots and pans? 31 00:01:08,516 --> 00:01:12,050 - What happened? - Let's just say the disturbance happened. 32 00:01:12,052 --> 00:01:13,852 Okay, that's a fact, 33 00:01:13,854 --> 00:01:15,921 - and we're taking care of it, okay? - ( laughs ) 34 00:01:15,923 --> 00:01:16,889 Are you listening to this? 35 00:01:16,891 --> 00:01:18,390 - Wait a second. - I am. 36 00:01:18,392 --> 00:01:20,258 How come you won't tell me what the disturbance was? 37 00:01:20,260 --> 00:01:22,727 Oh, well, that's a very good question, 38 00:01:22,729 --> 00:01:24,529 - and I'm on top of it. - Well, thank you. 39 00:01:24,531 --> 00:01:26,498 I'm glad you thought it was a good question 40 00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:28,500 because it was a really atrocious answer. 41 00:01:28,502 --> 00:01:31,503 - Well, I beg to differ. - Let me ask you this question. 42 00:01:31,505 --> 00:01:33,671 How in God's name did you get this job? 43 00:01:33,673 --> 00:01:38,075 - I am great at dealing with these disturbances. Yes. - Yes, really? 44 00:01:38,077 --> 00:01:41,111 I'm asking that because you come off as quite a goofball. 45 00:01:41,113 --> 00:01:43,180 I'm gonna take that as a compliment. 46 00:01:43,182 --> 00:01:44,081 It's not. 47 00:01:44,083 --> 00:01:45,716 Delicious meal, by the way. 48 00:01:45,718 --> 00:01:48,686 Did I mention that? Oh, gosh, I'm jealous. 49 00:01:48,688 --> 00:01:51,255 Is there any question that you will answer? 50 00:01:51,257 --> 00:01:52,957 Because you haven't answered one question yet. 51 00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:55,359 For example, what color is your tie? 52 00:01:55,361 --> 00:01:57,261 - Let me just say this. - Uh-huh. 53 00:01:57,263 --> 00:01:59,263 - I am wearing a tie. - Yes, you are. 54 00:01:59,265 --> 00:02:03,033 - What color is it? - I believe the tie is self-evident. 55 00:02:03,035 --> 00:02:05,536 - So, the color is there. - ( hand thuds ) 56 00:02:05,538 --> 00:02:06,937 - Okay. - Okay, great. 57 00:02:06,939 --> 00:02:09,906 - All right. - Thank you. 58 00:02:09,908 --> 00:02:11,541 ( scoffs ) 59 00:02:11,543 --> 00:02:12,976 What the hell was that? 60 00:02:12,978 --> 00:02:14,444 Why wouldn't he tell me what it was? 61 00:02:14,446 --> 00:02:16,479 - What's the big secret? - I don't know. 62 00:02:16,481 --> 00:02:19,049 - I'm going to the bathroom. - All right. 63 00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:20,984 ( music playing ) 64 00:02:37,034 --> 00:02:38,701 - Excuse me. - Oh, I'm sorry, sir. 65 00:02:38,703 --> 00:02:40,035 The restroom's down the hallway. 66 00:02:40,037 --> 00:02:42,938 - Are you the chef? - Yes. Yes, I am. 67 00:02:42,940 --> 00:02:45,608 Oh, okay-- ( stutters ) 68 00:02:45,610 --> 00:02:46,909 I was sitting at my table, 69 00:02:46,911 --> 00:02:48,077 the manager came over to us 70 00:02:48,079 --> 00:02:50,278 and said the food was gonna be delayed 71 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,581 because there was a disturbance in the kitchen. 72 00:02:52,583 --> 00:02:54,216 Oh, yes, I'm sorry about that, sir. 73 00:02:54,218 --> 00:02:56,318 There was a small disturbance in the kitchen, 74 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,420 but if you go have a seat, we'll get your food right out to you. 75 00:02:58,422 --> 00:02:59,787 Yeah, I know, thanks. 76 00:02:59,789 --> 00:03:01,289 That's okay. I mean, everything's fine. 77 00:03:01,291 --> 00:03:02,857 I was just wondering, 78 00:03:02,859 --> 00:03:04,859 you know, what the disturbance was. 79 00:03:04,861 --> 00:03:06,728 Regular kitchen disturbance. 80 00:03:06,730 --> 00:03:08,363 They happen all the time. Nothing to worry about. 81 00:03:08,365 --> 00:03:10,232 You mean somebody dropped pots and pans or something? 82 00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:13,034 - Is that what happened? - It's not that big of a deal, sir. 83 00:03:13,036 --> 00:03:16,270 It was a minor disturbance that we have since taken care of. 84 00:03:16,272 --> 00:03:18,006 - Minor? - It was perfectly minor. 85 00:03:18,008 --> 00:03:20,241 If it was, then my food would not have been delayed by 15 minutes. 86 00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:23,711 - A slight delay in your food. - It was more than a slight delay. 87 00:03:23,713 --> 00:03:25,813 - Sir. Sir. - Tell the truth about the disturbance. 88 00:03:25,815 --> 00:03:27,314 It wasn't minor, it was major. 89 00:03:27,316 --> 00:03:29,216 What is this, an investigation? 90 00:03:29,218 --> 00:03:30,785 This is a kitchen, sir. 91 00:03:30,787 --> 00:03:32,986 I'm just trying to get some food to some hungry people. 92 00:03:32,988 --> 00:03:35,456 That's all I wanna do. And then I wanna go home. 93 00:03:35,458 --> 00:03:36,957 - Are you a married man? - Yes. 94 00:03:36,959 --> 00:03:39,793 - Do you have children? - Yes. 95 00:03:39,795 --> 00:03:42,563 All right, so you're having a wonderful afternoon with the wife and kids, 96 00:03:42,565 --> 00:03:44,898 you go out to the post office to get the mail. 97 00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:47,067 You come back, you hear a big crash, you open the door, 98 00:03:47,069 --> 00:03:49,335 and your kids are sprawled out, unconscious on the floor. 99 00:03:49,337 --> 00:03:51,471 You say to your wife, "What happened?" 100 00:03:51,473 --> 00:03:53,707 And she goes, "Oh, there was a disturbance." 101 00:03:53,709 --> 00:03:55,408 And you go, "What was the disturbance?" 102 00:03:55,410 --> 00:03:58,311 She goes, "No, I don't wanna tell you." How would you feel? 103 00:03:58,313 --> 00:04:01,682 - I would want to know what the disturbance was. - That's exactly right! 104 00:04:01,684 --> 00:04:03,583 That's a very specific situation, sir! 105 00:04:03,585 --> 00:04:08,321 You'd want to know what the disturbance was, just like me! 106 00:04:08,323 --> 00:04:09,855 There's no children here! 107 00:04:09,857 --> 00:04:11,757 - ( stuttering ) - You're acting like a child. 108 00:04:11,759 --> 00:04:13,859 You're the child who's keeping a little secret. 109 00:04:13,861 --> 00:04:15,195 - Yes. - You got a little secret. 110 00:04:15,197 --> 00:04:16,796 - No, no, I'm the parent. - Oh! 111 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:19,065 I'm the parent who has to worry about all the things. 112 00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:20,567 - I gotta worry about getting the food... - No. 113 00:04:20,569 --> 00:04:22,935 ...preparing the food, and then giving it to you-- 114 00:04:22,937 --> 00:04:27,106 No, you're the little baby who won't tell Daddy what happened. 115 00:04:27,108 --> 00:04:30,876 - Please leave, sir. - With pleasure. 116 00:04:30,878 --> 00:04:33,179 All right, fine. 117 00:04:33,181 --> 00:04:35,547 I'm coming! Bye. 118 00:04:35,549 --> 00:04:37,216 - We gotta go. - What? 119 00:04:37,218 --> 00:04:41,186 Yeah, Susie's little sister didn't come home last night. 120 00:04:41,188 --> 00:04:43,021 - Little sister? - You know, she's part of that 121 00:04:43,023 --> 00:04:45,190 big sister, little sister mentoring program. 122 00:04:45,192 --> 00:04:46,692 - Oh. - The girl's staying with us, 123 00:04:46,694 --> 00:04:48,594 and she didn't come home last night. 124 00:04:48,596 --> 00:04:50,895 - Can I help you with anything? - No, we're good. 125 00:04:50,897 --> 00:04:53,998 - We're leaving. - That whole disturbance thing threw us for a loop. 126 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,666 Well, yeah, I'm taking care of it. 127 00:04:55,668 --> 00:04:58,269 We're too disturbed to eat right now. 128 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,274 Wow, look at this thing. 129 00:05:03,276 --> 00:05:04,642 New Tesla. 130 00:05:04,644 --> 00:05:06,277 - Nice. - Yeah. 131 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:08,113 - Whose is it? - Ted. 132 00:05:08,115 --> 00:05:09,748 Holy cow. 133 00:05:09,750 --> 00:05:12,250 She didn't come home. I don't know where the hell she is. 134 00:05:12,252 --> 00:05:14,619 I've called everybody. What can I do? 135 00:05:14,621 --> 00:05:18,556 - Oh, finally. Jeff, she's not back! - I know, I'm sorry. 136 00:05:18,558 --> 00:05:20,858 - Come here, I wanna show you the tapes. - Hi, Ted Danson. 137 00:05:20,860 --> 00:05:22,226 Yeah, it's me, asshole. 138 00:05:22,228 --> 00:05:24,862 Okay? It's my fatwa disguise. 139 00:05:24,864 --> 00:05:27,732 - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. 140 00:05:27,734 --> 00:05:30,667 - ( laughs ) - He was at the hotel. 141 00:05:30,669 --> 00:05:33,503 I'm sorry, were you just at a hotel in the Marina, following us? 142 00:05:33,505 --> 00:05:35,906 - You were following us, weren't you? - I was not following you. 143 00:05:35,908 --> 00:05:39,076 I was in the hotel. That's where I was hiding. 144 00:05:39,078 --> 00:05:40,543 Why didn't you say hi? 145 00:05:40,545 --> 00:05:43,013 I was going to, but I had to talk to the hotel manager 146 00:05:43,015 --> 00:05:44,414 about the pickle jar. 147 00:05:44,416 --> 00:05:46,149 - The pickle jar? - The pickle jar. 148 00:05:46,151 --> 00:05:48,017 Yeah, everybody wants to open a pickle jar. 149 00:05:48,019 --> 00:05:50,387 - Don't you wanna open a pickle jar? - Cheryl: Okay. 150 00:05:50,389 --> 00:05:53,757 - Could you get me some sparkling water, please? - Yes. 151 00:05:53,759 --> 00:05:56,025 Oh, and T, can you get a lemon with that, please? 152 00:05:56,027 --> 00:05:58,662 T? Oh, "T"? 153 00:05:58,664 --> 00:06:02,064 - What is that? It's unseemly. - It's short for Ted. 154 00:06:02,066 --> 00:06:03,732 You never gave me any little nicknames. 155 00:06:03,734 --> 00:06:05,968 Could've called me L. You didn't call me L. 156 00:06:05,970 --> 00:06:07,469 You didn't call me D. 157 00:06:07,471 --> 00:06:09,338 You could've called me "Elvid." 158 00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:11,240 - I'm sorry, "Elvid"? - Yeah, "Elvid." 159 00:06:11,242 --> 00:06:13,042 - As a term of endearment? - Yeah. 160 00:06:13,044 --> 00:06:15,444 Like, "Let's spoon, Elvid"? 161 00:06:15,446 --> 00:06:17,113 - Yeah, "Elvid." - Okay. 162 00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:18,681 You know what? Enough with this bullshit, all right? 163 00:06:18,683 --> 00:06:20,616 Enough with the nicknames. Nobody gives a shit. 164 00:06:20,618 --> 00:06:23,151 We're looking for my little sister. We have to find her. 165 00:06:23,153 --> 00:06:24,853 She's 15. How do you know she's gone? 166 00:06:24,855 --> 00:06:26,522 She's probably at her boyfriend's house. 167 00:06:26,524 --> 00:06:28,223 Susie: She doesn't have a boyfriend. 168 00:06:28,225 --> 00:06:32,027 This kid, Larry, oh! She is so talented. 169 00:06:32,029 --> 00:06:34,896 - You think Sammi was talented at her age? - No, I don't. 170 00:06:34,898 --> 00:06:36,264 Oh, stop it! Look at this. 171 00:06:36,266 --> 00:06:38,166 Look at this tape. Look at that dancing. 172 00:06:38,168 --> 00:06:40,335 ( music playing ) Huh? Is that amaz-- look at her, oh. 173 00:06:40,337 --> 00:06:41,937 Larry: Got attitude. 174 00:06:41,939 --> 00:06:43,305 It's wonderful. Okay, I've seen plenty. 175 00:06:43,307 --> 00:06:44,306 Thank you, I got it. 176 00:06:44,308 --> 00:06:45,506 I get it. I got it. 177 00:06:45,508 --> 00:06:47,108 What do you get? You don't get shit. 178 00:06:47,110 --> 00:06:49,410 - I got it. - All right, we gotta find the kid! 179 00:06:49,412 --> 00:06:51,779 - What, do you want me to watch the whole dance recital? - Yes, I do, all right? 180 00:06:51,781 --> 00:06:54,882 - We're gonna form a search party and find her. - A search party? 181 00:06:54,884 --> 00:06:57,284 What are we, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in 1870? 182 00:06:57,286 --> 00:06:58,753 Find her! Let's go. 183 00:06:58,755 --> 00:07:00,154 - Everybody, split up. - Yes. 184 00:07:00,156 --> 00:07:02,022 Cheryl: Let's go. Split up. 185 00:07:02,024 --> 00:07:03,458 I thought you were okay with this. 186 00:07:03,460 --> 00:07:05,593 - What's going on, man? - Hey, do me a favor. 187 00:07:05,595 --> 00:07:08,295 - Yeah. - Can I look for the kid in your Tesla? 188 00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:09,463 I'd like to drive it. 189 00:07:09,465 --> 00:07:11,332 - All right, okay. - Thanks, T. 190 00:07:11,334 --> 00:07:13,567 ( music playing ) 191 00:07:27,549 --> 00:07:29,983 Come on. 192 00:07:29,985 --> 00:07:31,818 ( horn honking ) 193 00:07:32,954 --> 00:07:34,388 ( sighs ) 194 00:07:34,390 --> 00:07:35,655 - What? - ( car door closes ) 195 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,159 - What? - I don't appreciate that beep, sir. 196 00:07:40,161 --> 00:07:43,196 Oh, well, you know, the light had turned green 197 00:07:43,198 --> 00:07:44,697 and I gave you time. 198 00:07:44,699 --> 00:07:46,399 You must've drifted off or something. 199 00:07:46,401 --> 00:07:48,368 - No, I didn't drift. - Were you daydreaming? 200 00:07:48,370 --> 00:07:51,037 No, I was doing important police business. 201 00:07:51,039 --> 00:07:53,172 Well, with all due respect, a green light is not the time 202 00:07:53,174 --> 00:07:54,874 to be doing police business. 203 00:07:54,876 --> 00:07:56,642 Sir, I don't appreciate 204 00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:58,110 the aggressiveness of the beep. 205 00:07:58,112 --> 00:07:59,645 Oh, yeah, well, you know what? 206 00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:02,515 This is my friend's car and I'm not really attuned 207 00:08:02,517 --> 00:08:05,050 to the subtleties of the horn yet. 208 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:08,621 It was merely just a reminder beep, a subtle way of telling you, 209 00:08:08,623 --> 00:08:10,055 "Time to go. 210 00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:12,558 Let's get moving. Move it on." 211 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,393 License and registration, please. 212 00:08:14,395 --> 00:08:16,461 - I'm gonna write you a ticket. - A ticket? 213 00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:18,997 It was a bad decision on your part to honk at a police officer. 214 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,698 Oh, what-- why? Are you above the beep? 215 00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,968 Absolutely. I'm a police officer. I protect your rights. 216 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,669 My rights to beep. 217 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:26,305 - That's one of my rights. - Yeah, but you don't-- 218 00:08:26,307 --> 00:08:27,639 Beeping, that's a right. 219 00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:29,507 That's America. We're allowed to beep. 220 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,142 Yeah? Well, I'm allowed to write this ticket. 221 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,744 - ( sighs ) - Good. Write it. 222 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,178 You getting smart with me, boy? 223 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,581 I'm not getting smart. I am smart, by the way. 224 00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,015 - I'm smart. - Yeah. 225 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,084 And of course I'll be protesting this ticket. 226 00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,887 I hope you enjoy your day in court. 227 00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:45,924 Here you go. Have a nice day. 228 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,524 - Thank you. - Thank you. 229 00:08:47,526 --> 00:08:50,494 You made my day. No one's above the beep. 230 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:52,863 No one! 231 00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,865 ( music playing ) 232 00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:57,234 ( cards shuffling ) 233 00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:01,738 ( exhales ) 234 00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:03,774 - Mm. - They're not coming. 235 00:09:03,776 --> 00:09:04,708 No. 236 00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:09,279 - They're not coming. - No. 237 00:09:09,281 --> 00:09:12,716 - ( bottles clinking ) - Not even a text. 238 00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,918 You know why? They're afraid to be on the text chain. 239 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,419 - Yep. - 'Cause of the fatwa. 240 00:09:16,421 --> 00:09:17,988 Mm-hmm. 241 00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:20,090 That's fucked up. 242 00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:22,892 They are really showing their true colors. 243 00:09:22,894 --> 00:09:24,294 They don't have no colors. 244 00:09:24,296 --> 00:09:26,463 They're white. There's no fucking color. 245 00:09:26,465 --> 00:09:28,298 I should just have over black friends. 246 00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:31,267 If you want, I'll go over there and fuck somebody ass up. 247 00:09:31,269 --> 00:09:32,835 I'll take Swat over there. 248 00:09:32,837 --> 00:09:34,837 I seen Swat kick a motherfucker one night 249 00:09:34,839 --> 00:09:37,673 and broke his fucking back like this. 250 00:09:37,675 --> 00:09:40,142 He turned that motherfucker into a human wallet. 251 00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:41,410 What did the guy do? 252 00:09:41,412 --> 00:09:43,479 Motherfucker started mumbling. 253 00:09:43,481 --> 00:09:45,447 The one thing you don't wanna do 254 00:09:45,449 --> 00:09:48,283 around Swat is to speak under your breath. 255 00:09:48,285 --> 00:09:51,453 I can't mumble at all? I like to mumble. 256 00:09:51,455 --> 00:09:53,322 Don't mumble about him. 257 00:09:53,324 --> 00:09:54,523 Hey, let me ask you a question. 258 00:09:54,525 --> 00:09:56,691 Have you seen my sunglasses? 259 00:09:56,693 --> 00:09:58,593 My-- you know, my Dr. Strangelove sunglasses? 260 00:09:58,595 --> 00:10:00,829 I know what you're talking about, but, no, I haven't seen them. 261 00:10:00,831 --> 00:10:03,499 I've been looking all over for them. I love those glasses. 262 00:10:03,501 --> 00:10:05,300 ( kitchenware clattering ) 263 00:10:05,302 --> 00:10:06,535 Swat, God damn! 264 00:10:06,537 --> 00:10:08,103 What the fuck's going on in there, man? 265 00:10:08,105 --> 00:10:10,438 I'm cooking, man. Nothing going on. Just cooking. 266 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,806 You're causing a fucking disturbance. 267 00:10:11,808 --> 00:10:13,708 Yeah, yeah, you're making a disturbance. 268 00:10:13,710 --> 00:10:15,944 This ain't no disturbance. I'm cooking chicken spaghetti. 269 00:10:15,946 --> 00:10:18,379 No, it's not up to you to say whether it's a disturbance or not. 270 00:10:18,381 --> 00:10:20,916 We're the ones being disturbed. It's our call. 271 00:10:20,918 --> 00:10:23,384 Yeah. No, he wasn't making a fucking disturbance, was he? 272 00:10:23,386 --> 00:10:25,953 - That's not a disturbance. - What the fuck you say? 273 00:10:25,955 --> 00:10:29,590 ( normal voice ) Oh... no, it's his turn to deal. 274 00:10:29,592 --> 00:10:31,392 We're playing War. 275 00:10:31,394 --> 00:10:34,395 We're playing cards. 276 00:10:34,397 --> 00:10:37,498 I just fucking told you, don't talk under your breath. 277 00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:39,800 You wanna get fucked up? 278 00:10:39,802 --> 00:10:43,470 Okay, well, this is the coup De grâce. 279 00:10:43,472 --> 00:10:47,340 They canceled golf on Saturday. 280 00:10:47,342 --> 00:10:50,310 ( sighs ) Oh, man, I can't live like this anymore. 281 00:10:50,312 --> 00:10:51,679 I just can't. 282 00:10:54,984 --> 00:10:57,484 There's only one man who could help me. 283 00:10:58,653 --> 00:11:00,653 ( music playing ) 284 00:11:07,062 --> 00:11:09,396 - Man over intercom: Yes? - Yeah, it's Larry David. 285 00:11:09,398 --> 00:11:10,930 ( gate buzzes ) 286 00:11:16,605 --> 00:11:17,937 - Mr. David? - Yes, sir. 287 00:11:17,939 --> 00:11:21,273 We've been expecting you. Please come in. 288 00:11:21,275 --> 00:11:22,942 Okay. 289 00:11:27,215 --> 00:11:29,015 And if you'd follow me. 290 00:11:31,986 --> 00:11:33,319 This way. 291 00:11:38,426 --> 00:11:40,593 Mr. David is here now, sir. 292 00:11:40,595 --> 00:11:44,163 Oh, Mr. David, come in. Please have a seat. 293 00:11:44,165 --> 00:11:46,532 Thank you. Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Rushdie. 294 00:11:46,534 --> 00:11:49,400 - No, call me Salman. - It's not "Salmon"? 295 00:11:49,402 --> 00:11:53,071 - "Saul-mahn." - Salman? There's an accent on the second syllable. 296 00:11:53,073 --> 00:11:56,108 Exactly. Now, tell me why you're here. 297 00:11:56,110 --> 00:11:59,978 Oh, well, I'm sure you, uh-- you've heard about-- 298 00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:01,212 Yeah, I heard about your problem. 299 00:12:01,214 --> 00:12:02,948 And I thought if there's anybody 300 00:12:02,950 --> 00:12:05,716 who could understand what I'm going through, it's you. 301 00:12:05,718 --> 00:12:07,785 And to tell you the truth, I'm at my wit's end. 302 00:12:07,787 --> 00:12:11,055 Let me tell you something. It took me a long time. 303 00:12:11,057 --> 00:12:13,691 It took me maybe several years 304 00:12:13,693 --> 00:12:16,528 to get to the point that I'm going to talk to you about now. 305 00:12:16,530 --> 00:12:18,029 I want to give you a shortcut, 306 00:12:18,031 --> 00:12:20,632 which is that, yeah, it is all those things. 307 00:12:20,634 --> 00:12:24,068 It can be scary, it can be bewildering, et cetera. 308 00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:27,371 But there are things that you gain. 309 00:12:27,373 --> 00:12:28,906 There are a lot of women 310 00:12:28,908 --> 00:12:32,777 who are attracted to you in this condition. 311 00:12:32,779 --> 00:12:34,812 Really? I didn't think there was any condition 312 00:12:34,814 --> 00:12:37,447 - that they'd be attracted to me. - You are a dangerous man. 313 00:12:38,617 --> 00:12:40,584 There are very beautiful women 314 00:12:40,586 --> 00:12:42,219 who like that. 315 00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:43,920 - Really? - Yeah. 316 00:12:43,922 --> 00:12:45,422 Even with me they would like it? 317 00:12:45,424 --> 00:12:46,856 It's not exactly you; 318 00:12:46,858 --> 00:12:49,726 it's the fatwa wrapped around you. 319 00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:51,495 Like kind of sexy pixie dust. 320 00:12:51,497 --> 00:12:55,364 - Huh! - But you have to stop acting like a wuss. 321 00:12:55,366 --> 00:12:59,235 I mean, look at you. You look like a person trying to hide. 322 00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:01,437 - That's exactly right. - That is not sexy. 323 00:13:01,439 --> 00:13:06,109 Be a man, stop this, and fatwa sex will follow. 324 00:13:06,111 --> 00:13:09,813 - Fatwa sex? - The best sex there is. 325 00:13:09,815 --> 00:13:11,681 - Wow! - Yes. 326 00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:14,083 What about the fatwa itself? I don't... 327 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,819 You know, you've survived many, many years now. 328 00:13:16,821 --> 00:13:18,621 Well, it's, you know-- it's there. 329 00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:20,523 - Yeah. - But fuck it. 330 00:13:20,525 --> 00:13:22,758 Mm, yeah, the "fuck it" philosophy. 331 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,893 It's a tough one. I've tried it with orthotics. 332 00:13:24,895 --> 00:13:26,729 It didn't really work very well. 333 00:13:26,731 --> 00:13:28,363 No, no, you're-- look, you're being pathetic. 334 00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:30,398 - Let me help you. - What? 335 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,835 There. Now, look, there you are. 336 00:13:32,837 --> 00:13:35,170 You're a man of danger. 337 00:13:35,172 --> 00:13:38,807 The fatwa sex is beginning to circle around you, 338 00:13:38,809 --> 00:13:40,242 so be a man now. 339 00:13:40,244 --> 00:13:43,278 Let's go out, get a bite to eat. 340 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,579 Trust me. 341 00:13:47,050 --> 00:13:48,916 Let's eat! 342 00:13:48,918 --> 00:13:52,254 - That's my boy. - ( exhales ) 343 00:13:52,256 --> 00:13:53,921 ( music playing ) 344 00:13:53,923 --> 00:13:55,624 Salman: Hello. Table for two, please. 345 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,025 Of course, Mr. Rushdie. Hello, Mr. David. 346 00:13:58,027 --> 00:14:00,494 ( chatter ) 347 00:14:05,802 --> 00:14:08,702 ( man whispers ) Turn around, turn around. 348 00:14:08,704 --> 00:14:10,638 - Look. - Oh. It's him. 349 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,306 Oh, my God. 350 00:14:16,445 --> 00:14:18,679 And your server will be right with you guys. 351 00:14:18,681 --> 00:14:20,847 - Thank you. - Sure. 352 00:14:20,849 --> 00:14:23,884 Okay, so, you see? It's not so bad. 353 00:14:23,886 --> 00:14:27,521 Yeah, I'm in a restaurant having-- having lunch. 354 00:14:27,523 --> 00:14:29,723 You're not behind some stupid mask. 355 00:14:29,725 --> 00:14:32,726 You can go in a supermarket, go to a ball game. 356 00:14:32,728 --> 00:14:36,029 - You'll be a person. - You know what? 357 00:14:36,031 --> 00:14:37,430 I'm feeling a lot better about things. 358 00:14:37,432 --> 00:14:38,799 Now, tell me something. 359 00:14:38,801 --> 00:14:40,901 This musical, it's about me, right? 360 00:14:40,903 --> 00:14:43,670 - Yes. - So, I mean, I'm interested. 361 00:14:43,672 --> 00:14:45,338 Who have you got playing me? 362 00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:48,708 Oh, well, of course, now, because of this whole fatwa thing, 363 00:14:48,710 --> 00:14:50,142 it's probably not gonna happen. 364 00:14:50,144 --> 00:14:52,312 But the guy I had in mind 365 00:14:52,314 --> 00:14:56,248 was actually Jason Alexander. 366 00:14:56,250 --> 00:14:58,984 You mean, like, "George" Jason Alexander? 367 00:14:58,986 --> 00:15:01,287 No, you know, that was just a character that he played. 368 00:15:01,289 --> 00:15:03,889 - Ja-- you know-- - There's no remote resemblance. 369 00:15:03,891 --> 00:15:06,826 I mean, he's short. He's a lot shorter than me. 370 00:15:06,828 --> 00:15:08,560 He's not-- a lot shorter? What? 371 00:15:08,562 --> 00:15:11,163 - He's not that much shorter. - Inches. 372 00:15:11,165 --> 00:15:13,098 Hmm. Well, who are you thinking about? 373 00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:15,100 I'm thinking about, you know, Hugh Jackman. 374 00:15:15,102 --> 00:15:17,269 - That's good. - ( scoffs ) Hugh Jackman? 375 00:15:17,271 --> 00:15:20,139 - Yeah, he's a triple threat. - Are you out of your fucking mind? 376 00:15:20,141 --> 00:15:21,974 He can sing, he can dance, he can act. 377 00:15:21,976 --> 00:15:23,542 - Yeah. - He could totally play me. 378 00:15:23,544 --> 00:15:26,077 I think you're delusional. Anyway, it's all moot. 379 00:15:26,079 --> 00:15:28,146 What's the difference, you know? It's not gonna happen. 380 00:15:28,148 --> 00:15:29,448 All right, well, that's a relief. 381 00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:30,549 It's too bad, too, 382 00:15:30,551 --> 00:15:32,651 because what you said about fatwa sex? 383 00:15:32,653 --> 00:15:33,885 - Yes. - Oh, my God. 384 00:15:33,887 --> 00:15:35,654 I would've put that right in the show. 385 00:15:35,656 --> 00:15:38,724 - That is so perfect. - But that is not the only benefit. 386 00:15:38,726 --> 00:15:41,459 For example, you don't have to go to anything 387 00:15:41,461 --> 00:15:42,827 you don't want to go to. 388 00:15:42,829 --> 00:15:44,595 - Hmm. - So, like, your cousin 389 00:15:44,597 --> 00:15:48,833 is giving a reading of his lousy poetry book, 390 00:15:48,835 --> 00:15:50,902 and you say, "Sorry, can't make it. 391 00:15:50,904 --> 00:15:52,603 - Fatwa." - Fatwa. 392 00:15:52,605 --> 00:15:55,473 Somebody calls you, says, "Can you come pick me up at the airport?" 393 00:15:55,475 --> 00:15:57,975 You say, "Can't make it. Fatwa. Can't make it." 394 00:15:57,977 --> 00:15:59,943 This is a fatwa "Life of Riley." 395 00:15:59,945 --> 00:16:02,880 - Yeah, with added death threats. - With the death threats, yeah. 396 00:16:02,882 --> 00:16:06,584 You know what's happening? I'm feeling, uh, pretty good. 397 00:16:06,586 --> 00:16:08,919 Pretty, pretty good. 398 00:16:08,921 --> 00:16:11,655 Compliments of the lady. 399 00:16:15,995 --> 00:16:18,161 - ( chuckles ) - Oh, my God. 400 00:16:18,163 --> 00:16:21,464 - You know who that is? - That's Elizabeth Banks, my friend. 401 00:16:21,466 --> 00:16:23,133 She sent you a drink. 402 00:16:23,135 --> 00:16:24,834 This is what I'm talking about. 403 00:16:24,836 --> 00:16:26,636 Here it is, right here. 404 00:16:28,707 --> 00:16:30,673 Salman, this is-- this is unbelievable. 405 00:16:30,675 --> 00:16:32,876 So don't talk to me. What are you talking to me for? 406 00:16:32,878 --> 00:16:35,044 Go talk to her. 407 00:16:35,046 --> 00:16:37,146 Do this. Go for it. 408 00:16:44,689 --> 00:16:45,888 - Hello. - Elizabeth: Hi. 409 00:16:45,890 --> 00:16:48,124 Cheers. May I join you? 410 00:16:48,126 --> 00:16:50,859 - Woman: Yes. - Although, I should warn you 411 00:16:50,861 --> 00:16:54,130 that it might be-- it might be a bit dangerous. 412 00:16:54,132 --> 00:16:55,798 - Really? Tell us all about that. - Yes. 413 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,268 - Is that Salman Rushdie? - Yes, that's Salman. 414 00:16:59,270 --> 00:17:02,571 We're the, uh-- we're the fatwa boys. 415 00:17:02,573 --> 00:17:05,006 I just can't believe you're out and about. 416 00:17:05,008 --> 00:17:07,275 - In broad daylight. - What am I gonna do, Elizabeth? 417 00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:10,779 Look, I'm not gonna walk around with a mustache and a wig. 418 00:17:10,781 --> 00:17:12,915 - Right? - Yes, you just face the world. 419 00:17:12,917 --> 00:17:13,949 Absolutely! 420 00:17:13,951 --> 00:17:15,684 Hello, ladies, I'm the manager. 421 00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:19,087 I really apologize about your lunch being late. 422 00:17:19,089 --> 00:17:21,222 There was a disturbance in the kitchen. 423 00:17:21,224 --> 00:17:23,658 - Ah. What kind of disturbance? - He's not gonna tell you. 424 00:17:23,660 --> 00:17:25,927 - I am about to tell her. - Yeah, sure, go ahead. 425 00:17:25,929 --> 00:17:28,063 Yes, we have a very big kitchen, 426 00:17:28,065 --> 00:17:29,864 and we're moving forward now, 427 00:17:29,866 --> 00:17:32,033 and we're going to get your meal right away. 428 00:17:32,035 --> 00:17:35,470 - Can't wait. - He hasn't told you one thing about the disturbance, has he? 429 00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:37,271 He hasn't-- you didn't tell her about the disturbance, 430 00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:38,639 - just like last time. - Manager: I believe I did. 431 00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:40,274 I've ticked all the boxes... 432 00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:42,042 - You didn't tick one box. - ...of the disturbance. 433 00:17:42,044 --> 00:17:44,278 You didn't tick a box. The boxes are empty. 434 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,446 I beg to differ. 435 00:17:45,448 --> 00:17:47,314 Let's get on to that delicious lunch. 436 00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,216 - ( overlapping voices ) - All right, thank you. 437 00:17:49,218 --> 00:17:51,385 - Thank you. Thank you. - It's okay. 438 00:17:51,387 --> 00:17:54,721 I wanna know everything there is to know about Larry David. 439 00:18:01,397 --> 00:18:04,498 - To the fatwa boys. - To the fatwa boys. 440 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,000 ( music playing ) 441 00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:08,468 He completely changed my outlook on this whole thing. 442 00:18:08,470 --> 00:18:09,936 At the end of the conversation, 443 00:18:09,938 --> 00:18:12,138 he got up, he ripped off my wig, 444 00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:14,641 and said, "Come on, we're going out to lunch." 445 00:18:14,643 --> 00:18:16,242 - Unbelievable! - Welcome. Welcome back. 446 00:18:16,244 --> 00:18:17,777 - Look at you, you're back to normal. - Yeah. 447 00:18:17,779 --> 00:18:19,913 - Yes. - I like the other look better. 448 00:18:19,915 --> 00:18:22,015 Ooh, you know what? She's better every day. 449 00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:26,386 Pretty good. Anyway, Elizabeth Banks sent a drink to my table. 450 00:18:26,388 --> 00:18:27,753 Oh, my God, I love her. 451 00:18:27,755 --> 00:18:29,822 - Oh, she's fantastic. - She's fantastic. 452 00:18:29,824 --> 00:18:32,892 - I know. I went over to her table. - Oh, bullshit. 453 00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:36,162 We had a lovely conversation, and I saw her last night. 454 00:18:36,164 --> 00:18:39,465 - She's not interested in you, Larry. - ( guffaws ) She's swooning. 455 00:18:39,467 --> 00:18:41,266 - Susie: She's swooning? - She's swooning over me. 456 00:18:41,268 --> 00:18:42,868 - You're delusional. - Do you know why? 457 00:18:42,870 --> 00:18:44,637 - Because I'm dangerous, Susie. - Yeah. 458 00:18:44,639 --> 00:18:46,304 What the hell are you doing here, anyway? 459 00:18:46,306 --> 00:18:48,373 I think I might've left my sunglasses here. 460 00:18:48,375 --> 00:18:50,175 You know, the Dr. Strangelove glasses? 461 00:18:50,177 --> 00:18:51,510 Yeah, would you mind looking for them? 462 00:18:51,512 --> 00:18:52,878 Yeah, I would mind looking for them. 463 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,680 I'm busy looking for a little girl. 464 00:18:54,682 --> 00:18:57,016 All right, well, when you're outside, 465 00:18:57,018 --> 00:18:59,418 you look for Katie, and when you're inside, 466 00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:02,421 eh... you look for the sunglasses. 467 00:19:02,423 --> 00:19:04,722 You could do both. It's like Jeff's Cubs hat. 468 00:19:04,724 --> 00:19:05,823 Have you found your Cubs hat? 469 00:19:05,825 --> 00:19:07,225 No, I have not. 470 00:19:07,227 --> 00:19:08,860 I'm sure if you ran across Jeff's Cubs hat, 471 00:19:08,862 --> 00:19:10,128 you would call it to his attention. 472 00:19:10,130 --> 00:19:11,629 Same thing with the sunglasses. 473 00:19:11,631 --> 00:19:13,798 - That's all I'm asking. - Excuse me. 474 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:16,067 I don't give a shit about Jeff's Cubs hat... 475 00:19:16,069 --> 00:19:18,502 ...about your Dr. Strangelove glasses. 476 00:19:18,504 --> 00:19:20,838 I care about this kid, my little sister. 477 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,174 Just keep it in the back of your mind. 478 00:19:23,176 --> 00:19:26,477 Look, I've got Katie in the back of my mind. 479 00:19:26,479 --> 00:19:29,814 I've got the sunglasses up front, Katie's in the back. 480 00:19:29,816 --> 00:19:31,748 - Susie: That's so wrong, Larry. - But it's always in the back. 481 00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:33,684 Katie should be in the front for both of you. 482 00:19:33,686 --> 00:19:35,752 She's not an inanimate object. 483 00:19:35,754 --> 00:19:38,089 Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you. 484 00:19:38,091 --> 00:19:40,924 I'm gonna move Katie all the way up to the front. 485 00:19:40,926 --> 00:19:43,260 I'm gonna give her equal footing with the sunglasses. 486 00:19:43,262 --> 00:19:44,661 Both in front of my mind. 487 00:19:44,663 --> 00:19:46,763 Where's my Cubs hat in this scenario? 488 00:19:46,765 --> 00:19:48,966 I can't handle three in the front. 489 00:19:48,968 --> 00:19:51,267 It's too much. It's overload. 490 00:19:51,269 --> 00:19:53,403 I'll move Katie back two paces. 491 00:19:53,405 --> 00:19:55,806 I'm gonna move your Cubs hat to the front. 492 00:19:55,808 --> 00:19:56,940 That works perfect. 493 00:19:56,942 --> 00:19:59,309 You two have no compassion, 494 00:19:59,311 --> 00:20:01,912 have no caring about another human being. 495 00:20:01,914 --> 00:20:03,580 There's some partial truth to that. 496 00:20:03,582 --> 00:20:05,948 - Yeah. - It's an illness, for sure. 497 00:20:05,950 --> 00:20:09,219 I don't know why I have it, but I-- I definitely do. 498 00:20:09,221 --> 00:20:11,020 - ( doorbell rings ) - Maybe that's her. 499 00:20:11,022 --> 00:20:13,189 - This is fucking nuts. - Oh, Ted! 500 00:20:13,191 --> 00:20:15,057 - ( overlapping chatter ) - She's still gone. 501 00:20:15,059 --> 00:20:17,059 - No, she's still gone. - You're living the life now. 502 00:20:17,061 --> 00:20:18,561 - Jeff: Oh, my God, I love her. - Bless your heart. 503 00:20:18,563 --> 00:20:19,829 - You poor thing. - Larry: By the way, 504 00:20:19,831 --> 00:20:21,631 that car of yours got me a ticket. 505 00:20:21,633 --> 00:20:26,602 - How? - I was at a stoplight and I beeped a cop. 506 00:20:26,604 --> 00:20:28,504 What's that have to do with my car? 507 00:20:28,506 --> 00:20:31,874 Because your horn cannot hit the subtle notes required in the art of beeping. 508 00:20:31,876 --> 00:20:34,143 - A beep's a beep. - A beep is not a beep. 509 00:20:34,145 --> 00:20:36,612 I'm telling you, that horn is gonna get you in a lot of trouble. 510 00:20:36,614 --> 00:20:37,746 Mark my words. 511 00:20:37,748 --> 00:20:39,080 So, how much is a beep ticket? 512 00:20:39,082 --> 00:20:40,215 $275. 513 00:20:40,217 --> 00:20:41,550 Wow. Are you gonna pay it? 514 00:20:41,552 --> 00:20:43,918 No. I'm fighting it. 515 00:20:45,055 --> 00:20:46,221 ( music playing ) 516 00:20:46,223 --> 00:20:47,489 Larry: I mean, Your Honor, 517 00:20:47,491 --> 00:20:48,923 I don't even know why I'm here. 518 00:20:48,925 --> 00:20:50,959 There should be no such thing as a ticket for this. 519 00:20:50,961 --> 00:20:53,327 It's our inalienable right to beep. 520 00:20:53,329 --> 00:20:55,530 Without the freedom to beep, 521 00:20:55,532 --> 00:20:58,432 we are no better than the beasts in the field. 522 00:20:58,434 --> 00:21:00,969 And I'm not talking about the common chicken. 523 00:21:00,971 --> 00:21:03,872 I'm talking about the mighty oxen and the donkey... 524 00:21:03,874 --> 00:21:05,707 - Donkey. - ...with his floppy ears, 525 00:21:05,709 --> 00:21:10,378 ...his pea-brain and his stolid, slack-jawed gaze. 526 00:21:10,380 --> 00:21:13,481 A revolting creature, if there ever was one... 527 00:21:13,483 --> 00:21:15,849 - O-okay. Okay, all right. - ...who walked the earth! 528 00:21:15,851 --> 00:21:18,886 That's enough of that talk about donkeys and field chickens. 529 00:21:18,888 --> 00:21:20,588 I've got more about the donkeys-- 530 00:21:20,590 --> 00:21:21,955 That's enough. 531 00:21:21,957 --> 00:21:24,592 All right, so, Officer Jenkins, 532 00:21:24,594 --> 00:21:26,560 you have been in this courtroom many times. 533 00:21:26,562 --> 00:21:28,295 How many of those cases has been because 534 00:21:28,297 --> 00:21:31,398 someone has beeped you? 535 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,067 Never, Your Honor. 536 00:21:33,069 --> 00:21:35,169 - Not once. - A feather in my cap. 537 00:21:35,171 --> 00:21:36,904 I'm a first to beep a cop. 538 00:21:36,906 --> 00:21:38,772 I'm a pioneer, Your Honor. 539 00:21:38,774 --> 00:21:40,808 In the mold of a Rosa Parks. 540 00:21:40,810 --> 00:21:43,376 - Wow. Huh. - In the mold of a Jackie Robinson. 541 00:21:43,378 --> 00:21:46,145 Judge: Mm-hmm. Anyone else you're in the mold of? 542 00:21:46,147 --> 00:21:49,749 Maybe a Martin Luther King or a Malcolm X? 543 00:21:49,751 --> 00:21:50,950 Harriet Tubman? 544 00:21:50,952 --> 00:21:52,385 Yes, Harriet Tubman. 545 00:21:52,387 --> 00:21:54,087 Although I'm not quite sure what she did, 546 00:21:54,089 --> 00:21:56,623 I have a feeling she was in the pioneer family. 547 00:21:56,625 --> 00:21:57,957 All right, so do you think that-- 548 00:21:57,959 --> 00:21:59,558 I'm sorry, could you just take a step back? 549 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,195 - You're in the well right now. - Oh, am I in the well? 550 00:22:02,197 --> 00:22:05,531 - Yeah, that would be called a well. - Oh, sorry. 551 00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:07,600 Somebody could've told me about the well, frankly. 552 00:22:07,602 --> 00:22:09,468 I was talking to you outside. 553 00:22:09,470 --> 00:22:11,337 You never< mentioned anything. Wouldn't have killed you. 554 00:22:11,339 --> 00:22:14,306 I think we need to get back to you beeping right now. 555 00:22:14,308 --> 00:22:16,842 Your Honor, may I offer you a cough drop? 556 00:22:16,844 --> 00:22:18,744 You know, you're a judge, you're talking a lot, 557 00:22:18,746 --> 00:22:20,312 there are people here all the time. 558 00:22:20,314 --> 00:22:21,813 You get a sore throat. Take it. 559 00:22:21,815 --> 00:22:23,349 - Take the cough drop. - I don't need any. 560 00:22:23,351 --> 00:22:24,750 - Take it for later. - Yeah, all right. 561 00:22:24,752 --> 00:22:26,385 - Okay? Yeah. - Thank you for your-- 562 00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:28,254 - your warm pocket candy. - You'll thank me. 563 00:22:28,256 --> 00:22:30,088 - Yeah. - You'll be sucking on that thing, going-- 564 00:22:30,090 --> 00:22:31,757 ( smacks lips ) "Boy, that guy in court today 565 00:22:31,759 --> 00:22:33,358 really had something with that cough drop." 566 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:36,594 The chances of me putting that in my mouth are very slim. 567 00:22:36,596 --> 00:22:39,430 Well, if you're not gonna suck on it, you might as well return it. 568 00:22:39,432 --> 00:22:43,501 What's the point of taking a cough drop if you're not gonna suck on it? 569 00:22:43,503 --> 00:22:46,972 - 'Cause I'll use it. - That may be the first thing that we've agreed on today. 570 00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:49,707 Now take your unsucked candy and get back to your desk. 571 00:22:49,709 --> 00:22:51,942 Okay, let the record show I had a good time in the well. 572 00:22:51,944 --> 00:22:53,811 - Judge: Hmm. - That's all I'm gonna say about it. 573 00:22:53,813 --> 00:22:55,246 Love the well. 574 00:22:55,248 --> 00:22:58,215 - I'm so glad I came. - Yeah, yeah, me, too. 575 00:22:58,217 --> 00:23:01,686 - Yeah, I'm really glad, too. - This is not going the way you wanted it. 576 00:23:01,688 --> 00:23:04,455 Your Honor, are you listening to what this man is saying over here? 577 00:23:04,457 --> 00:23:07,357 Huh? Did you listen to one word-- yoo-hoo. 578 00:23:08,394 --> 00:23:10,394 Mr. David, did you just-- 579 00:23:10,396 --> 00:23:11,896 did you just yoo-hoo me? 580 00:23:11,898 --> 00:23:13,831 I did. I yoo-hooed you. 581 00:23:13,833 --> 00:23:15,766 You weren't paying attention, so I yoo-hooed. 582 00:23:15,768 --> 00:23:18,035 Right, so you decided it was okay to yoo-hoo. 583 00:23:18,037 --> 00:23:20,037 Oh, you can't yoo-hoo a judge? 584 00:23:20,039 --> 00:23:24,207 You most certainly cannot yoo-hoo a judge. 585 00:23:24,209 --> 00:23:26,209 I'm affirming the citation. 586 00:23:28,013 --> 00:23:31,114 Very well. I will pay your citation. 587 00:23:31,116 --> 00:23:32,783 But I cannot leave this courtroom 588 00:23:32,785 --> 00:23:35,852 without telling you that a grave injustice has been done here, 589 00:23:35,854 --> 00:23:37,987 for I'm not doing this for me; 590 00:23:37,989 --> 00:23:39,889 I did it for you and you and you. 591 00:23:39,891 --> 00:23:41,557 - Judge: Bailiff. - And all of you. 592 00:23:41,559 --> 00:23:43,293 For we are not donkeys. 593 00:23:43,295 --> 00:23:45,829 Or in Brooklyn, we would say-- 594 00:23:45,831 --> 00:23:48,497 we would say "dunkeys" for some reason. "Dunkeys." 595 00:23:48,499 --> 00:23:50,599 ( music playing ) 596 00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:05,047 ( groans ) Hey, come on, buddy. 597 00:24:06,651 --> 00:24:10,686 ( loud honk ) Oh, jeez, that is-- that is loud. 598 00:24:10,688 --> 00:24:12,554 Oh, no. No, no, come on. 599 00:24:12,556 --> 00:24:15,057 No, no, I-- I'm sorry. 600 00:24:15,059 --> 00:24:16,258 - Sorry. - Roll down the window. 601 00:24:16,260 --> 00:24:17,926 That was just a reminder beep. 602 00:24:17,928 --> 00:24:19,594 ( knocking ) 603 00:24:19,596 --> 00:24:22,297 That was just a reminder beep. I'm sorry. 604 00:24:22,299 --> 00:24:23,966 Reminder beep? Reminder for what? 605 00:24:23,968 --> 00:24:25,734 Well, but the light had changed and-- 606 00:24:25,736 --> 00:24:27,702 No, no, that was an aggressive fucking beep. 607 00:24:27,704 --> 00:24:29,404 It's a new car and I'm not used 608 00:24:29,406 --> 00:24:30,839 to the subtleties of the beeps. 609 00:24:30,841 --> 00:24:32,374 No, I don't give a shit. Come here. Get out here. 610 00:24:32,376 --> 00:24:33,941 Wait, wait, wait! It's me, Ted Danson. 611 00:24:33,943 --> 00:24:36,611 "Becker," "Cheers," anything? Jesus. 612 00:24:38,181 --> 00:24:39,848 - Hi, Lar. - Oh, hello. 613 00:24:39,850 --> 00:24:43,351 - Oh. - This is my friend, Elizabeth. 614 00:24:43,353 --> 00:24:44,886 - Elizabeth: Hi! - Hello, Elizabeth. 615 00:24:44,888 --> 00:24:46,620 - Elizabeth Banks. - Larry: Yes! 616 00:24:46,622 --> 00:24:48,155 - Hi. - This is Susie Greene. 617 00:24:48,157 --> 00:24:50,324 Hi. Oh, what a beautiful house this is. 618 00:24:50,326 --> 00:24:51,759 Hi, Jeff. This is Elizabeth Banks. 619 00:24:51,761 --> 00:24:53,727 - So nice to meet you. - Hi. 620 00:24:53,729 --> 00:24:55,829 - Nice to meet you. - The man behind the man. 621 00:24:55,831 --> 00:24:58,565 - I get it. - Why don't you come inside, all right? 622 00:24:58,567 --> 00:25:01,535 Okay, okay. We'll go inside. 623 00:25:01,537 --> 00:25:04,104 - Thank you, Elizabeth. - You know, we were just in the neighborhood 624 00:25:04,106 --> 00:25:05,506 having a little drive. 625 00:25:05,508 --> 00:25:08,208 I heard about your little sister. 626 00:25:08,210 --> 00:25:10,143 - Susie: Yeah. Oh, you did? Yeah. - It's terrible. 627 00:25:10,145 --> 00:25:13,847 I lost a cat once, so I know how you're feeling. 628 00:25:13,849 --> 00:25:16,917 With all due respect, losing a cat 629 00:25:16,919 --> 00:25:18,518 is nothing like losing a child. 630 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,887 Well, with all due respect, 631 00:25:20,889 --> 00:25:22,989 I mean, that cat was my child. 632 00:25:22,991 --> 00:25:26,226 And this girl, I mean, it sounds like you kind of barely know her. 633 00:25:26,228 --> 00:25:28,128 I would say I know her quite well. 634 00:25:28,130 --> 00:25:30,863 She's an underprivileged child we took into our home, 635 00:25:30,865 --> 00:25:33,366 and she feels like our own little girl. 636 00:25:33,368 --> 00:25:35,935 Well, Mr. Noodle was a stray as well, 637 00:25:35,937 --> 00:25:37,703 who I brought in off the street, 638 00:25:37,705 --> 00:25:40,840 and literally slept on my bosom for 17 years. 639 00:25:40,842 --> 00:25:42,374 Mr. Noodle slept on your bosom? 640 00:25:42,376 --> 00:25:44,043 - Yeah, he did. - Yeah. 641 00:25:44,045 --> 00:25:47,146 - He was a stray? - I know how much you miss this girl. 642 00:25:47,148 --> 00:25:49,549 It's-- it's a loss, for sure. 643 00:25:49,551 --> 00:25:51,650 - It's a huge loss and she's a human being. - Elizabeth: Yeah. 644 00:25:51,652 --> 00:25:54,119 - Flesh and blood. - Not your flesh and blood. 645 00:25:54,121 --> 00:25:57,323 - Not my flesh and blood, but I don't discriminate. - No. Someone else's. 646 00:25:57,325 --> 00:25:59,891 I'm happy to tweet a recent photo of her. 647 00:25:59,893 --> 00:26:01,460 I do have a lot of followers. 648 00:26:01,462 --> 00:26:03,362 I have a video of her dancing. 649 00:26:03,364 --> 00:26:05,264 She's a very talented dancer. 650 00:26:05,266 --> 00:26:07,899 Oh, we should put that on my social channels or something. 651 00:26:07,901 --> 00:26:09,634 I saw her dance. She's not-- she's not much of a dancer. 652 00:26:09,636 --> 00:26:11,402 Oh, what the fuck do you know, Larry? 653 00:26:11,404 --> 00:26:13,204 - I saw the tape. - You know talent? You know dancing? 654 00:26:13,206 --> 00:26:15,340 I saw the tape of the dancing. I don't wanna get into it. 655 00:26:15,342 --> 00:26:16,808 What was the last dance program you ever saw? 656 00:26:16,810 --> 00:26:18,643 Did you go to Martha Graham? No. 657 00:26:18,645 --> 00:26:21,913 Yeah, because I don't like to go out of my way to be bored. 658 00:26:21,915 --> 00:26:23,614 I could show Elizabeth right now 659 00:26:23,616 --> 00:26:26,550 a video of her dancing, which is magnificent. 660 00:26:26,552 --> 00:26:29,220 I'll watch that video and you can watch 661 00:26:29,222 --> 00:26:31,055 a video of Mr. Noodle chasing a string. 662 00:26:31,057 --> 00:26:33,358 - All right, enough! - It is the cutest thing you ever saw. 663 00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:35,526 This is a underprivileged child... 664 00:26:35,528 --> 00:26:37,628 - Elizabeth: Oh. - ...who came into our world. 665 00:26:37,630 --> 00:26:39,530 Look, I just wanna be helpful, you know? 666 00:26:39,532 --> 00:26:41,866 Elvid told me about the situation and-- 667 00:26:41,868 --> 00:26:43,467 - Who? - Oh, El-- 668 00:26:43,469 --> 00:26:45,235 - She calls me Elvid. - It's my little-- 669 00:26:45,237 --> 00:26:46,804 Why the fuck do you call him "Elvid"? 670 00:26:46,806 --> 00:26:48,271 - It's my little nickname. - ( stutters ) Nickname. 671 00:26:48,273 --> 00:26:49,940 You know? I like to have-- he calls me Lizzie, 672 00:26:49,942 --> 00:26:51,976 - I call him Elvid. - Oh, Jesus. 673 00:26:51,978 --> 00:26:53,611 - ( Elizabeth laughs ) - ( car approaching ) 674 00:26:53,613 --> 00:26:54,745 Oh, wait a minute. 675 00:26:54,747 --> 00:26:56,480 A cop car just pulled up, Jeff. 676 00:26:56,482 --> 00:26:57,447 What is that? 677 00:26:59,218 --> 00:27:01,118 - ( car door beeping ) - Susie: Oh, my God, Jeff! 678 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,887 - My little sister! - I'm really sorry. 679 00:27:03,889 --> 00:27:07,424 - Susie: Oh, my God! - My glasses! 680 00:27:07,426 --> 00:27:08,925 My glasses! 681 00:27:08,927 --> 00:27:10,927 ( music playing ) 682 00:27:28,613 --> 00:27:31,280 I'm so happy to have you back. 683 00:27:31,282 --> 00:27:32,948 Where'd you find her, Officer? 684 00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:34,517 - She was at her boyfriend's. - No, she wasn't. 685 00:27:34,519 --> 00:27:36,252 She doesn't have a boyfriend. 686 00:27:36,254 --> 00:27:38,220 - Come on. You come in. We'll discuss it. - All right. 687 00:27:38,222 --> 00:27:41,023 - Bite to eat? - Love it. Starving. 688 00:27:41,025 --> 00:27:42,958 - Let's do it. - Great. 689 00:27:46,630 --> 00:27:48,496 Larry: That's Jeff's Cubs hat. 690 00:27:48,498 --> 00:27:50,032 You gotta call the fire department. 691 00:27:50,034 --> 00:27:51,600 ( laughs ) The fire department? 692 00:27:51,602 --> 00:27:53,835 That's very dangerous, Elvid. 693 00:27:53,837 --> 00:27:55,571 I got this, Lizzie. 694 00:27:59,076 --> 00:28:01,009 Wow, Elvid. 695 00:28:01,011 --> 00:28:02,977 Is there nothing you're afraid of? 696 00:28:08,351 --> 00:28:11,686 - Oh, yeah, yeah, yes! - ( both screaming ) 697 00:28:13,256 --> 00:28:14,789 ( gasps ) 698 00:28:16,526 --> 00:28:19,126 Oh. 699 00:28:19,128 --> 00:28:21,295 - Let's get the fuck out of here. - Okay. 700 00:28:22,565 --> 00:28:25,466 ( music playing ) 701 00:28:27,870 --> 00:28:30,437 You have an-- an idea for an app? 702 00:28:30,439 --> 00:28:31,806 It's a fantastic idea. 703 00:28:31,808 --> 00:28:33,540 Say I invite you over for dinner one night. 704 00:28:33,542 --> 00:28:35,209 Okay, I like where this is going. 705 00:28:35,211 --> 00:28:37,377 ( laughs ) And I'm cooking-- 706 00:28:37,379 --> 00:28:39,346 - I've never done this in my life, by the way... - And then? 707 00:28:39,348 --> 00:28:40,880 ...but I'm-- it's just all hypothetical. 708 00:28:40,882 --> 00:28:44,184 - I like it. - So, now when dinner's over, 709 00:28:44,186 --> 00:28:47,621 - okay, and there's a big pile of dishes in the kitchen. - Yes. Sure. 710 00:28:47,623 --> 00:28:49,456 We don't wanna deal with that, right? 711 00:28:49,458 --> 00:28:51,325 Wait till tomorrow. We've got other things to do. 712 00:28:51,327 --> 00:28:52,859 No, we don't even need to wait till tomorrow. 713 00:28:52,861 --> 00:28:54,260 - Why? - I pick up the phone, 714 00:28:54,262 --> 00:28:56,395 I open up the app, five minutes later, 715 00:28:56,397 --> 00:28:58,264 there's people doing the dishes. 716 00:28:58,266 --> 00:29:00,700 Excuse me, I'm looking for a suspect. 717 00:29:00,702 --> 00:29:03,269 He vandalized police property. Larry David. 718 00:29:03,271 --> 00:29:04,938 Hi, I'm the restaurant manager. 719 00:29:04,940 --> 00:29:06,239 How may I help you? 720 00:29:06,241 --> 00:29:08,274 Yes, I'm looking for Larry David. 721 00:29:08,276 --> 00:29:10,943 - Ah, yes, Larry David. - Yeah, I'm looking for him. 722 00:29:10,945 --> 00:29:14,079 He's one of our more engaging customers. 723 00:29:14,081 --> 00:29:17,650 - They'll be driving all over the city just like Uber... - Okay. Right. 724 00:29:17,652 --> 00:29:19,551 ...and then they'll get their-- their dish call. 725 00:29:19,553 --> 00:29:21,987 I just don't understand how you and I are getting it on after dinner 726 00:29:21,989 --> 00:29:24,757 if there's a rando stranger in the house doing the dishes. 727 00:29:24,759 --> 00:29:26,959 Oh, my God. 728 00:29:26,961 --> 00:29:31,563 - It's that cop. Come, come-- come on! - Okay, okay. 729 00:29:31,565 --> 00:29:33,265 You're not answering any of my questions. 730 00:29:33,267 --> 00:29:35,099 Well, I just wanna tell you, 731 00:29:35,101 --> 00:29:40,938 I'm here to support the men in blue 110%. 732 00:29:40,940 --> 00:29:44,008 Okay, uh, we need a plan. We gotta come up with a plan. 733 00:29:44,010 --> 00:29:47,111 - What's the story? What do we say? - Um, okay, here it is. 734 00:29:47,113 --> 00:29:48,946 We went across the street to buy some lemonade 735 00:29:48,948 --> 00:29:50,447 from these Girl Scouts. 736 00:29:50,449 --> 00:29:51,949 One of the Girl Scouts is Asian. 737 00:29:51,951 --> 00:29:53,217 It's good to be specific when you lie. 738 00:29:53,219 --> 00:29:54,285 It's the cornerstone of a good lie. 739 00:29:54,287 --> 00:29:55,352 - Okay. - Okay? 740 00:29:55,354 --> 00:29:56,821 And the lemonade was delicious. 741 00:29:56,823 --> 00:29:58,556 - Yes. I can taste it. - Delicious lemonade. 742 00:29:58,558 --> 00:30:01,825 Yes, and all of a sudden, a gust of Santa Ana wind comes along 743 00:30:01,827 --> 00:30:04,828 and knocks the rake off the roof onto the hood of the car. 744 00:30:04,830 --> 00:30:06,297 - Yes. Okay, I can-- - Got it? 745 00:30:06,299 --> 00:30:07,665 I got it. Yes, of course. Are you kidding? 746 00:30:07,667 --> 00:30:09,400 I did Shakespeare. I can handle this. 747 00:30:09,402 --> 00:30:11,068 ( gasps, clears throat ) 748 00:30:11,070 --> 00:30:13,870 - Is there a problem? - Yeah, there's a problem. 749 00:30:13,872 --> 00:30:15,038 You vandalized my car. 750 00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:17,641 - Oh, no, no. - Oh, no, no, no. 751 00:30:17,643 --> 00:30:22,879 Officer, we were standing across the street 752 00:30:22,881 --> 00:30:25,381 from your vehicle, 753 00:30:25,383 --> 00:30:30,553 buying some lemonade from a-- a stand. 754 00:30:30,555 --> 00:30:33,957 - It's like a, you know, the wooden-- with a sign-- - Lemonade stand? 755 00:30:33,959 --> 00:30:35,291 The lemonade stand. 756 00:30:35,293 --> 00:30:37,594 They were the little ones, the Brownies, 757 00:30:37,596 --> 00:30:40,630 one of whom was Indian. 758 00:30:40,632 --> 00:30:46,636 And we decided that we actually wanted Arnold Parkers, 759 00:30:46,638 --> 00:30:48,438 - and so-- - Palmers. 760 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:51,140 - I don't think so. - Palmer. 761 00:30:51,142 --> 00:30:54,576 - Arnold Palmer. - Well, let's leave that detail for another day. 762 00:30:54,578 --> 00:30:58,714 - At any rate, he went into the house to... - He? 763 00:30:58,716 --> 00:31:01,717 ...retrieve the-- yes, there was a man. 764 00:31:01,719 --> 00:31:05,187 An Irishman who went into the house. 765 00:31:05,189 --> 00:31:07,056 He said-- "I'll go get you-- 766 00:31:07,058 --> 00:31:10,892 ye the iced tea for the Arnold Parker." 767 00:31:10,894 --> 00:31:12,628 And so, while we were waiting 768 00:31:12,630 --> 00:31:15,997 for the Arnolds Palm-- whatever it is. 769 00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:19,167 - Palmer! - Anyway, a gust of wind came. 770 00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:22,604 - It blew a rake off of the, um-- the roof! - The roof! 771 00:31:22,606 --> 00:31:25,673 - Off the roof of the house onto the car. - I was handling it. 772 00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:29,043 Anyway, it blew the rake off of the roof... 773 00:31:30,247 --> 00:31:35,016 and that's how your car was damaged. 774 00:31:35,018 --> 00:31:36,851 All right, you're coming with me. 775 00:31:36,853 --> 00:31:38,286 It landed on your vehicle. 776 00:31:38,288 --> 00:31:39,654 Great! Great performance! 777 00:31:39,656 --> 00:31:41,355 - You're an actress? - You know what? 778 00:31:41,357 --> 00:31:43,391 That's the worst performance I've ever seen in my life! 779 00:31:43,393 --> 00:31:45,092 - You! - It was a bad script, Larry. 780 00:31:45,094 --> 00:31:47,895 - You wrote me a bad script! - Oh, oh, a gust of wind. 781 00:31:47,897 --> 00:31:49,597 I do better with a little more preparation. 782 00:31:49,599 --> 00:31:51,131 You should arrest her for bad acting. 783 00:31:51,133 --> 00:31:53,967 Look, I need a rehearsal. I'm not a one-take wonder. 784 00:31:53,969 --> 00:31:55,869 - Larry: Give me a break. - Fuck you, Elvid. 785 00:31:55,871 --> 00:31:57,805 Hello? What the fuck?! 786 00:31:57,807 --> 00:32:00,740 - ( chatter ) - Hi. I'm the manager. 787 00:32:00,742 --> 00:32:04,211 - Sorry, there has been a delay in your meal. - What's taking so long? 788 00:32:04,213 --> 00:32:08,081 Well, there's been a disturbance in the kitchen. 789 00:32:08,083 --> 00:32:11,018 ( theme music playing ) 790 00:32:11,019 --> 00:32:15,407 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com