1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,921
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

3
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

6
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

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(CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING)

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<b>- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -</b>

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(WHISTLE BLOWS)

13
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Go, Stewie!

14
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Ha! Isn't this exciting?

15
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Yeah, but I don't like
little Kyle Kaepernick

16
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:46,254
kneeling during the national anthem.

17
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("STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYING)

18
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Boo! Get on your feet!

19
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Boo! Down in front.

20
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Okay, need to stay focused.

21
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What are those for?

22
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Power songs that get me focused.

23
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♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪

24
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♪ All through the town. ♪

25
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It's the same thing Ryan Lochte
listens to before a race.

26
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Stewie, you're taking this
way too seriously.

27
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It's a meaningless event,
like a bar mitzvah.

28
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Today you are a man.

29
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- Great. Can I drive?
- No.

30
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- Can I vote?
- No.

31
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- Can I drink?
- No.

32
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- Can I have sex?
- No.

33
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- Can I cash the checks?
- Yes!

34
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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

35
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Lois, why'd we got to come here?

36
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This place is a bunch of rich snobs.

37
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We have lunch with my parents
twice a year.

38
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Consider yourself lucky.

39
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Under normal circumstances,

40
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you'd never be allowed
in a place like this.

41
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Griffin, come on.
They're waiting for your order.

42
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Sorry. Do you have oysters?

43
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- We do not.
- Aw, shucks.

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(LAUGHTER)

45
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Damn it, Griffin,
you've been staring at that menu

46
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:04,233
for five minutes,
and you peed your pants.

47
00:02:04,234 --> 00:02:06,375
Um, do you have oysters?

48
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,629
Get up. They have to clean the chair.

49
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:16,677
Hey, Brian, you don't have
a metal detector on you, do you?

50
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,929
Okay, Stewie, you got a medal.
Way to go.

51
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:20,765
Do I sense a hint of jealousy?

52
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,391
Stewie, didn't it strike you as odd

53
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that everyone got a medal?

54
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You didn't win anything.
It's a participant medal.

55
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They give 'em to every kid with a pulse.

56
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And like every other medal
or award you've ever gotten,

57
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it means nothing.

58
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What?

59
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(GASPS)

60
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Stewie, I-I'm sorry.

61
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I-I shouldn't have said that.
I lost my temper.

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- (SOBBING)
- Slow down!

63
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(GASPS)

64
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No, no, no, no, no.

65
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How could I be such a fool?

66
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This is a wall of lies.

67
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And that's a hole of lies.

68
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Everything I've ever won is worthless!

69
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Aah!

70
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You won't make a fool of me any longer.

71
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Oh, no! It's all right, Stewie.

72
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Stay calm. This is why
we have a house fire captain.

73
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Okay, when I read your name,
please respond with a "here."

74
00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:32,962
- Griffin, Mac.
- It's Meg.

75
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Sorry, it looks like "Mac."

76
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- Griffin, Liam.
- It's Lois.

77
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Again, please respond with "here."

78
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Oh, my God, Chris is still in there!

79
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,519
Somebody save Chris!

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(BYSTANDERS GASPING)

81
00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,693
(CHEERING)

82
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,950
You know what? He's earned that.

83
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:15,296
God, look at this place.

84
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Our whole house is destroyed.

85
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:19,198
Oh, here comes the insurance guy.

86
00:04:19,199 --> 00:04:21,677
Everyone start crying about
losing your new golf clubs

87
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and Grant Wood's American Gothic.

88
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Oh...

89
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my new golf clubs
with the titanium shafts.

90
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Oh, my classic depiction
of the austere steadfastness

91
00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:34,064
of rural America!

92
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You know, I don't care.
It's not my money.

93
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Oh.

94
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Peter, I spoke with my parents,

95
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and we can live with them
until our house is fixed.

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Great. It's gonna suck worse
than Mueslix.

97
00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:46,410
You know, the German health cereal?

98
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,245
Guten Morgen. Try me.

99
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I am made of oats and fiber.

100
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:51,874
Okay. Sounds healthy.

101
00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,584
Ja. Also, I am German

102
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and wouldn't mind watching you crap.

103
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- Uh, I don't know.
- Come, come.

104
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It will be mine and yours little secret.

105
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Just the two of us.
Please, take me home.

106
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,637
Uh, okay. But just you.

107
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I don't feel safe now.

108
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:09,558
Stop talking!
Concentrate on the pooping!

109
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,102
ANNOUNCER: Mueslix,
the weird European cereal

110
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that likes to watch you poop.

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(DOORBELL RINGS)

112
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Aw, why we got to stay
with your parents?

113
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You know, sometimes I get the feeling

114
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they don't respect me.

115
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(GRUNTING)

116
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(BRAKES HISS)

117
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(WHIRRING)

118
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Thank you for not interrupting my bit.

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Come on in.

120
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Wow, check out this media room.

121
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Maybe you burning down the house
wasn't so bad.

122
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My actions were justified.

123
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I'd been fed a massive societal lie

124
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in the form of participant awards.

125
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Hey, kids, how would you like
to hear this on the screen

126
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:21,839
instead of the great show
you came to see?

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(CHILDREN CHEERING)

128
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That's what you sound like. Honest.

129
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Please cooperate and do your part

130
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in keeping this theater quiet,
so everyone,

131
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including you, can enjoy it.

132
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Remember, lots of adults and kids, too,

133
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paid admission to enjoy the show.

134
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We must insist on absolute quiet.

135
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Otherwise, we will be forced to evict

136
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all disturbance makers from the theater.

137
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Those asked to leave today
will be refused admission

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00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:52,995
to this theater in the future.

139
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Thank you.

140
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Wow, what a dick.

141
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Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

142
00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,501
I've deleted all my old tweets,

143
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,670
so don't even bother looking
for bad stuff.

144
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Screen grabs can be faked.

145
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:05,341
But, first, it's that time of year again

146
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,384
for the annual Quahog Pie Cook-off.

147
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The winner will take home
the coveted Pie Champ trophy.

148
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Brian, this could be
my chance to finally win

149
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,850
a legitimate award.

150
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,393
- You think you're up to it?
- Of course.

151
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:17,978
I just have to apply myself.

152
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:20,022
Like Chris, when he worked
at that casino.

153
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:21,899
No more bets. The money that
could have gone to your kids

154
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is gone. No more bets.

155
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The money you worked hard for is gone.

156
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:28,530
Fools, fools, fools.

157
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:31,533
Ooh, double zero.
Nobody thinks about that one.

158
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,953
And guy walks quickly away
from table without a word,

159
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,413
replaced by an older white man
with a much younger black woman.

160
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:38,625
No more bets. No more bets.

161
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:45,214
Brian, are you ready
for my grand creation?

162
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- Serve it up, bitch.
- Well, that was uncalled for.

163
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But get ready to be wowed.

164
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(CRUNCH)

165
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What the... This is mud.

166
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,058
Yes. It's a mud pie.

167
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,935
I used Legos for the fruit.

168
00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:00,020
Stewie, you can't submit this.
It's inedible.

169
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,730
Okay, now I know you're full of crap,

170
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:04,066
because everyone else loves it.

171
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:07,069
Mmm, num-num-num-num-nah.

172
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:09,238
So delicious, Stewie.

173
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,074
Best pie ever.

174
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,661
Wow! Tastes great, Stewie.

175
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,706
Mmm, so good.

176
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,124
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

177
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,418
Not so hammy, Meg. He's not an idiot.

178
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,086
Stewie, can't you see they're faking it

179
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:25,129
to make you feel good?

180
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:26,381
What are you talking about?

181
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:29,341
(SLO-MO): Wow!

182
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:33,387
Mmm. Num-num-num-num-nah.

183
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:36,890
So good.

184
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:40,978
We must insist on absolute quiet.

185
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,480
My God, you're right.

186
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:46,400
They're all just lying
to protect my feelings.

187
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,318
This pie is garbage!

188
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,612
And the contest is next week.
I have to drop out.

189
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,740
No, you don't.
You just got to do the work.

190
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,408
Stewie, you're a smart kid.

191
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:57,161
I know you can bake a pie,
and I'll help you.

192
00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:59,288
You will? Thank you, Brian.

193
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:01,957
This calls for champagne.

194
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,834
Pop.

195
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:06,336
Glug, glug, glug.

196
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:08,172
Bottoms up.

197
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:10,299
Go with it.

198
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,800
Ugh. Korbel?

199
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:13,469
- It's not Korbel. It's...
- Go with it.

200
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,971
Yes, I had some left over
from Denise's wedding.

201
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,848
- Who's Denise?
- Go with it.

202
00:09:17,849 --> 00:09:20,476
Fine. How is Denise?
Did she have the abortion?

203
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,186
- Abortion?
- Go with it.

204
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,980
No, her alarm didn't go off,
so she missed it.

205
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,982
So, Brian, is this your first orgy?

206
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,401
Not going with it.

207
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:36,492
Peter, would you like to join us
in a parlor game?

208
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,118
Parlor game?

209
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,661
Lois, why do you always
start talking like a snob

210
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,121
when you're around your parents?

211
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,165
What? It's the way I was brought up.

212
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,209
I know, let's play "The Minister's Cat."

213
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,710
I don't know what that is.

214
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:49,214
It's simple. In alphabetical order. Go.

215
00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,176
The minister's cat is an affable cat.

216
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,845
The minister's cat is a boisterous cat.

217
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,347
Penrose!

218
00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,350
The minister's cat is a covetous cat.

219
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:04,520
The minister's cat is a devious cat.

220
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,563
The minister's cat's an eclectic cat.

221
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:07,856
Peter, your turn. Go.

222
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,358
- Wh-What?
- Peter, hurry.

223
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:10,984
I don't... I don't know this cat.

224
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:13,028
Damn it, Peter, you ruined the game!

225
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:16,198
Peter, perhaps the word
you were looking for is...

226
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:17,866
"forgotten."

227
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:20,744
♪ Midnight ♪

228
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:25,707
♪ Not a sound from the pavement ♪

229
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:30,712
♪ Has the moon lost her memory? ♪

230
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:35,217
♪ She is smiling alone. ♪

231
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:37,219
You kids are too young to remember that,

232
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:40,055
but your parents are gonna hate it.

233
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:42,392
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

234
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,771
(SIGHS): Finally, a place to escape.

235
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:53,110
Oh, hey, Babs.

236
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:55,612
Hello, Peter. What brings you out here?

237
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,906
I had to get away from that stupid game.

238
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:01,285
I don't know, whenever I'm here,
I feel out of place.

239
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:04,372
It's just a different world
than I'm used to.

240
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:09,918
(BELCHES)

241
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,920
Bring that up again,
and we'll vote on it.

242
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,256
Whoa, where'd you learn
a line like that?

243
00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:16,925
Oh, there's a lot
you don't know about me.

244
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:19,928
You know, Peter,
you and I are not so different.

245
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,805
You struggle to get erections, too?

246
00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:25,642
You may think I've always been a
part of this high-society world,

247
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:28,812
but I wasn't born
with a silver spoon in my mouth.

248
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,190
Well, that probably would've
torn your mom's uterus.

249
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:34,443
My point is, I'm not from
an upper-crust world, either.

250
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:37,112
I just had to act that way
to impress Carter,

251
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,780
who cared about that stuff.

252
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,116
I was struggling
to be something I wasn't.

253
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:43,368
In many ways, I still am.

254
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:44,953
There's an Ed Sheeran song

255
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,080
for every emotion
you're feeling right now.

256
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,832
Ooh, no, thank you.

257
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,584
You know, I like hanging out with you.

258
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,252
Hey, what do you say
we ditch this stuffy place

259
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,755
- and head to the Clam?
- The Drunken Clam?

260
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:57,174
Why, I haven't been there in decades.

261
00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:58,800
I'd love to.

262
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:00,636
- To the Babsmobile!
- (ALARM CHIRPS)

263
00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:03,597
("BATMAN THEME" PLAYING)

264
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:05,974
You got vehicles
with your face on 'em, too?

265
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,643
You know it, stinky.

266
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:10,563
Oh, I didn't like being called stinky.

267
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,361
(TIRES SCREECH)

268
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,364
Babs, I got to hand it to you.

269
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:22,658
You turned a crappy night
into something great.

270
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,034
You know, I've never dropped
bowling balls

271
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:26,662
from an overpass before.
They fall quick.

272
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,665
That was the most fun
I've had in decades.

273
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:33,085
It felt good to reconnect
with the girl I once was.

274
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,212
Hey, listen, you got
to stay true to that girl.

275
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,965
She's an amazing person. A real person.

276
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:40,259
Not some stuffy Newport snob.

277
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,303
Oh, sometimes I feel trapped
in this world,

278
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:46,890
forever trying to live up
to everyone else's expectations,

279
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,517
especially Carter's.

280
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,894
Sounds like you've wasted
your entire life.

281
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,729
Thank you, Peter.

282
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:55,899
You've helped me
more than you know. Mwah.

283
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,819
Yuck.

284
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,865
Well, Brian, I've studied pie-making,

285
00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:06,743
and the key is to find the
absolute freshest ingredients.

286
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:10,038
Therefore, we must go wherever
and whenever

287
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,333
they're to be found.

288
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:21,758
- Where are we?
- 1666, England.

289
00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,385
Home of Sir Isaac Newton

290
00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:25,888
and one of history's most famous apples.

291
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,518
Which will be part of our pie.

292
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:36,316
(SHOUTS) Gravity never happened!

293
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:41,695
Good morning, family.

294
00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:44,239
And before anyone asks,
I brought this owl from home.

295
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,742
I did not take it
from the enclosed owlery.

296
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:49,494
Just want to make that clear.
Home-brought owl.

297
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,122
Peter, what did the two of you
talk about last night?

298
00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:53,707
- (HOOTS)
- Yeah, who?

299
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:56,043
You can see why I stole this
from the owlery...

300
00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:57,627
I-I mean brought it from home. Damn it!

301
00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:00,130
My mother. After your night together,

302
00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:01,923
she told Daddy she's leaving him.

303
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,061
- (HOOTS)
- Yeah, who?

304
00:14:04,062 --> 00:14:05,552
All right, I'm already getting
tired of this owl.

305
00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:07,262
I'm gonna go put him back in the owlery.

306
00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:09,974
Peter, enough.
You've got to make this right.

307
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:16,314
Now, that one seemed less earned.

308
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,819
(SEABIRDS CALLING)

309
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:30,495
(TIRES SCREECH)

310
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,122
Babs, I've been looking
all over for you.

311
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:37,125
- What are you doing here?
- This is my hometown, Peter.

312
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:38,627
It's where I grew up.

313
00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,587
In fact, as a rebellious teen,

314
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,672
I used to come down to this boardwalk

315
00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:46,510
and feed Alka-Seltzer tablets
to the seagulls.

316
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,220
(SQUAWKING)

317
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,931
Babs, you got to come home.
Carter needs you.

318
00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:53,600
I'm sorry,
but I-I can't do that right now.

319
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,352
(SEAGULL SHRIEKS, POPS)

320
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:58,522
Peter, you've been able
to stay true to who you were.

321
00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,816
- I've lost touch with that.
- (SEAGULL SHRIEKS, POPS)

322
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:04,528
It's been buried
by Carter and his money.

323
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,988
I want to find it again.

324
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,825
Listen, Babs, I understand
what you're doing. I really do.

325
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:11,868
Sometimes I feel suffocated by Lois

326
00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:14,538
and my stupid mother-in-law,
but you got to come home.

327
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:17,457
- (SEAGULL SHRIEKS, POPS)
- I don't think so, Peter.

328
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,209
You and Carter are meant for each other.

329
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:20,710
You go together.

330
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:23,004
L-Like the couple from the movie Grease.

331
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:27,008
Mr. Rama-Lama-Lama-Ka-Dinga-
Da-Dinga-Dong, do you take

332
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:29,886
Miss Shoo-Bop-Sha-Wadda-
Wadda-Yippity-Boom-De-Boom

333
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,888
- to be your wife?
- I do.

334
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:35,308
And Miss Shoo-Bop-Sha-Wadda-
Wadda-Yippity-Boom-De-Boom,

335
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:39,479
do you take Mr. Rama-Lama-Lama-
Ka-Dinga-Da-Dinga-Dong

336
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,815
- to be your husband?
- I do.

337
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,483
If anyone objects to this union,

338
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:46,069
speak now or forever hold your peace.

339
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,129
(ALL GASPING)

340
00:15:47,131 --> 00:15:49,992
Mr. Chang-Chang-Changity-Chang-Sha-Bop!

341
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:57,038
Peter, where have you been?

342
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,708
Listen, Carter, unless you want
to lose Babs forever,

343
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,209
you better get down to Weekapaug.

344
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,669
Why the hell would I do that?

345
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,212
If you want to win her back,

346
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,756
maybe, for once,
you try to fit into her world.

347
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,842
You got to become a regular guy.

348
00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:11,011
What? No! Never!

349
00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:15,056
Daddy, Peter's right.
You got to do this for Mom.

350
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:18,393
All right, fine. I'll take
a quick choke-myself-awake nap

351
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:20,061
and be ready to go.

352
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,898
(SNORING)

353
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:28,695
(CHOKING)

354
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,532
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right. All right, let's go.

355
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,249
- I'm so nervous.
- You made a damn good pie, Stewie.

356
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,752
You should be proud of yourself,
whatever happens.

357
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:48,340
Good afternoon, Quahog,
I'm Tom Tucker... in a T-shirt?

358
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,383
And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.

359
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:54,095
This year's Quahog
pie-baking champion is...

360
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,264
Fjurg Vanderploeg.

361
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:57,474
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

362
00:16:57,475 --> 00:17:00,393
Everyone is welcome to taste my pie.

363
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:02,812
Sorry, Stewie. You did your best.

364
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,606
These were old pros.

365
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,108
But, hey, look. You took fifth.

366
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,778
Fifth? Is that good?

367
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,821
- Do I get a medal?
- You get a ribbon.

368
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,990
Does everyone who participates
get a ribbon?

369
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,742
Only ten out of 14.

370
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:18,411
My God. I did it.

371
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,497
No, Stewie, you did it...

372
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,415
Oh, wait. Sorry, I thought you...

373
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,709
- I thought you said "we did it."
- I did not.

374
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,294
Good job, little boy.

375
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,505
Maybe someday you can come by my store

376
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:30,674
and have all the cake you want.

377
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:33,510
- Ooh, that sounds promising.
- Okay, that's enough.

378
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,972
And maybe this winter, you
can go fishing in my ice hole.

379
00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:38,640
BRIAN: I said enough!

380
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:41,394
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

381
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:47,732
(MUSIC STOPS)

382
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:50,735
♪ ♪

383
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,363
I think I went too big with the boots.

384
00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:55,907
Buddy, I think you might be
in the wrong place.

385
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:59,119
Yeah, you get lost on the wrong
side of town, boot boy?

386
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,328
- (WHISPERING): Peter.
- Just go with it.

387
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,621
It's all part of the ruse.

388
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:04,291
I say we take his pants down,
see what he's working with.

389
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:06,793
And while we're at it,
give me that pool cue.

390
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,670
I got an idea where we can put it.

391
00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:12,257
- Peter, shut up.
- Carter? Is that you?

392
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:14,676
Oh. Hey, Babs.
I hang out here all the time.

393
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,344
Yeah. He comes in here with me.

394
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:19,139
And I'd even take
a lie detector test to prove it.

395
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:23,184
Well, good thing the bar is
having Lie Detector Wednesday.

396
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,353
Wh-What?

397
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,689
Just a few easy warm-up questions.

398
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:30,233
Have you ever had condomless sex
with a man?

399
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,485
Okay, test over. Carter's
never been here in his life.

400
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,822
Damn it, Peter. I'm leaving.

401
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:38,367
(CREAKING)

402
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:43,997
- (GASPING)
- My truck!

403
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:46,625
Time to waste this fancy-pants.

404
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,961
♪ ♪

405
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,715
(GRUNTS)

406
00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:56,134
Babs, you saved me.

407
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,053
And the bartender's unconscious.

408
00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:00,221
Let's take his pants down,
see what he's working with.

409
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:01,891
(CHEERING)

410
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:08,063
(CRYING): Babs, I'm sorry.

411
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:10,523
I tried, but I can't do it.

412
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:13,526
I'll never be the real man
you want me to be.

413
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:17,489
I'll always be just a spoiled,
spineless, rich dandy.

414
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,617
Carter, I appreciate you trying
to be the man I want,

415
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:24,621
but being back home here
has made me realize

416
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,998
you already are.

417
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,000
What? I am?

418
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:32,462
I've discovered I'm not
the same girl I once was.

419
00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:33,963
I've changed.

420
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:37,008
I've grown accustomed to life with you.

421
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,052
I thought I wanted this life back,

422
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:41,554
but have you ever had
a Milwaukee's Best?

423
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,140
It's an awful, awful, awful...

424
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:47,143
- It's one of our sponsors.
- Delicious beer,

425
00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:51,064
but, still, ours is the life I want,

426
00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:53,817
and you are the man I want.

427
00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:58,113
Newport is my home now,
and I'm ready to go back there.

428
00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,115
Oh, Babs.

429
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,991
(MOANING)

430
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:04,452
Ah, old love.

431
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,831
(CREAKING)

432
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:13,795
Well, I didn't pay for my beer,
but I left a hell of a tip.

433
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,506
(LAUGHTER)

434
00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:20,301
Damn it, Griffin!
You've been staring at that menu

435
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:24,181
for 22 minutes, and now you're
sitting in a double pee puddle!

436
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,855
Peter, I'm so relieved

437
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,773
that my mother's back with my dad.

438
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:35,275
Yep. It all worked out.

439
00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:37,026
Only one thing left to do.

440
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:40,197
Get drunk, go upstairs
and weird out the kids.

441
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:43,116
(QUIETLY): Chris.

442
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:46,202
Are-are you awake?

443
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:50,875
Chris, you... do you want a...
You want a Tom Brady kiss?

444
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:52,709
Chris, wake up.

445
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:56,004
I-I want to give my son
a Tom Brady kiss.

446
00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:59,091
(STEWIE CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)