1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,921 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,802 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:14,847 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,226 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:21,604 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,690 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:30,155 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:31,070 --> 00:00:34,077 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:37,245 Good evening, Quahog. Our top story: 12 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,914 a local Yankee fan's dream comes true 13 00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:42,416 when he's diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease. 14 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:43,793 But first... 15 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,836 Hey, the TV went out. 16 00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,630 OTHERS: Huh. 17 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:50,841 Oh, my God, the Wi-Fi is out. 18 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:53,595 (SCREAMING, SHOUTING) 19 00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,099 (GRUNTING) 20 00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,936 Okay, everyone calm down. 21 00:00:59,937 --> 00:01:01,477 I know how we'll get through this. 22 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:05,273 This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told, 23 00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:07,024 The Mighty Ducks. 24 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,277 It was a time of great nonsense. 25 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:11,028 Dad, why don't you tell us how you and Mom 26 00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,613 fell in love and got married? 27 00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:14,782 And in go the earbuds. 28 00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:16,617 Terrific episode idea, Meg. 29 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,452 Well, it was the 1990s, 30 00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:21,163 the decade of Viagra but also Lorena Bobbitt, 31 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:24,166 so it was kind of a yay-boo period for penises. 32 00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:26,836 After graduating, your mom and me moved to the city 33 00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:28,170 with all our friends. 34 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,340 (90S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING) 35 00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:33,759 (FOUR CLAPS) 36 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,470 I lived with my best friends, Quagmire and Cleveland. 37 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:38,681 We were the kind of friends who were all good-looking, 38 00:01:38,682 --> 00:01:40,933 except for David Schwimmer. 39 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,476 And your mom lived across the hall 40 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,395 with her friends Bonnie and... 41 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:45,813 uh, Bonnie. 42 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,315 God, we desperately need to get 43 00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:49,275 more female characters in this show. 44 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,526 I was the Chandler. 45 00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:52,600 Not because of my sarcastic zingers 46 00:01:52,601 --> 00:01:55,323 but because I liked to take 40 Vicodin a day. 47 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:56,741 Guys, I've got big news. 48 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:58,492 Tell 'em, Quagmire. 49 00:01:58,493 --> 00:01:59,994 I got a promotion at Blockbuster! 50 00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,746 - (GASPING) - (CLAPPING FOUR TIMES) 51 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:05,041 Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news! 52 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,876 I know, right? You know how I always felt 53 00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,336 like I was stuck in second gear? 54 00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:09,837 Well, this is a new gear! 55 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,589 Well, congratulations, Glenn! 56 00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:14,050 This calls for a fountain dance. 57 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:17,053 (90S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING) 58 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,555 PETER: I was the least graceful at fountain dancing. 59 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,974 I just swung my arms and tried to fit in. 60 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,225 It was senseless. We were in our clothes, 61 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:24,894 for God's sake. Everyone got wet. 62 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,395 It was cold. You know, 63 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:27,813 there were originally nine friends, 64 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,446 but three of 'em died of pneumonia. 65 00:02:29,447 --> 00:02:32,735 I'm still haunted by Chad's shivering last words, 66 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:35,237 "Don't let Monica get Botox." 67 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:36,823 ♪ ♪ 68 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:42,328 We also hung out at our favorite café, Perk Place, 69 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,205 where we would all sweat like crazy 70 00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,915 'cause everyone in the '90s wore turtlenecks, 71 00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:48,167 vests, and Jamiroquai hats. 72 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,960 Lois, you look down. What's wrong? 73 00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:52,755 Brad Pitt broke up with me in a pretty public way. 74 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:55,424 I just don't know if I'll ever date again. 75 00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,885 Wait, I thought you and Dad dated in high school. 76 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,136 Did you break up? 77 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,263 Uh-uh, story's not over, Meg. Settle down. 78 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,641 Your father and I had dated for a few years, 79 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,476 but I didn't know if it was going anywhere. 80 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:08,938 So we decided to take a break but remained close friends. 81 00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:11,899 I actually briefly dated one of our roommates, Barry. 82 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,110 He was one of them what the fountain took. 83 00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:17,113 My father had planned out my whole life for me. 84 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,824 He wanted me to marry one of Quahog's up-and-comers, 85 00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:21,492 Tom Tucker, Elmer Hartman, 86 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:23,160 Seamus or Billy Zane. 87 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,955 ♪ It's meeting the man of my dreams ♪ 88 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:29,083 ♪ And then meeting his beautiful wife ♪ 89 00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:30,793 ♪ And isn't it ironic ♪ 90 00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:32,420 ♪ Don't you think? ♪ 91 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:35,965 ♪ It's like rain... ♪ 92 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:38,259 ♪ On your wedding day. ♪ 93 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:42,763 Alanis Morissette was America's sweetheart in the '90s. 94 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:45,266 She went on to become one of the CDs in the garage. 95 00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,435 CHRIS: Wait, Seamus had arms and legs? 96 00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,645 LOIS: Chris, I'm not sure you have the green light 97 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,147 to just chime in whenever. 98 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:54,817 Lois, let's go take a midnight swim at Sharkbite Cove. 99 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,652 Oh, sounds wonderful, Seamus, 100 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,446 but I have other plans. 101 00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:01,741 Okay, well, I'm definitely going. 102 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,827 ♪ ♪ 103 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,455 Peter, why don't you admit it? 104 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,206 You still got the hots for Lois. 105 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:10,207 It's obvious. 106 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:12,293 Nah, we're broken up. We're just friends now. 107 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:13,627 (FOUR CLAPS) 108 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,504 Looking back, I realize he was right. 109 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,840 But the '90s was an exciting time, 110 00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,885 and we wanted to experience all it had to offer. 111 00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,511 Hey, guys, there's a great concert 112 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,555 in World Trade Center Plaza this weekend! 113 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:25,973 Really? Who's playing? 114 00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,017 They got Korn, Cranberries and Cake. 115 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,977 Oh, that sounds delicious. But who are the bands? 116 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,312 They're opening with Cake. 117 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:33,397 Wait, shouldn't cake be last? It's a dessert. 118 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,733 Korn is last. Korn is a bigger draw than Cake. 119 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,693 Corn is not a bigger draw than cake. 120 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,361 - Cake is delicious. - "No Doubt"? 121 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,155 Well, I'm glad you agree with me, Quagmire, 122 00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:43,657 but that still doesn't address this issue of the order. 123 00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:45,743 My last show was a Weezer concert. 124 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:48,037 Well, that's 'cause everyone smokes nowadays. 125 00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:50,164 What band did we see last time at the Palladium? 126 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,207 It was, uh, Blur. 127 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:52,750 Yeah, I can't remember, either. 128 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:55,377 It was a very confusing time in music. 129 00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,338 Okay, time for another scene. 130 00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:59,757 Let's transition with a '90s guitar sting 131 00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,760 that's way too long. 132 00:05:01,761 --> 00:05:03,887 (90S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING) 133 00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,348 (FOUR CLAPS) 134 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:09,267 ♪ ♪ 135 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:11,811 (FOUR CLAPS) 136 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,896 - CHRIS: Dad, what... - PETER: H-Hang on, Chris. 137 00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,064 It's not done yet. 138 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,567 ♪ ♪ 139 00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:22,805 (MUSIC ENDS) 140 00:05:22,806 --> 00:05:24,073 Okay, there we go. 141 00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,950 CHRIS: What'd you do for a living, Dad? 142 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,701 PETER: What any of us did never really mattered. 143 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:28,869 It was just "vague business." 144 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,746 But despite having broken up, 145 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,748 I would sometimes sneak away to the Internet 146 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,291 to go flirt with your mom. 147 00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,627 Well, I'm gonna go move my bangs with my pinky 148 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:38,046 in front of the mirror. 149 00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,090 - AOL GUY: Welcome! - PETER: Shh, shh, shh, shh! 150 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,092 - You've got mail! - Okay, good, but quiet. 151 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,426 You've got male porn! 152 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:45,970 Shh, shh, shh! 153 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:48,889 Peter, quit trying to flirt with that clearly girlfriend of yours 154 00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,267 and come watch giant box TV with us! 155 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,143 PETER: We all watched The X-Files, 156 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:55,563 which would be Fox's last hit show. 157 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:58,482 And it was the heyday of the multi-camera sitcom, 158 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,568 and Paul Reiser, its king, 159 00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:01,819 was must-see. 160 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:04,238 Perhaps I'll try this yogurt. 161 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,448 That's been in there since our wedding. 162 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:09,785 (GROANS) Perhaps... I won't. 163 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,705 (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) 164 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,499 Peter, admit it. 165 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,293 You're still in love with Lois. 166 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,420 Yeah, every time you see her, you go, "Schwing!" 167 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,130 Which is, like, the sound 168 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:23,007 of being lifted by a boner, I think. 169 00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:25,301 Yeah, but we decided we wanted to see other people. 170 00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:28,095 That's only 'cause she got tired of waiting around for you. 171 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:29,597 Look, she loves you, 172 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,849 but she ain't gonna wait around forever. 173 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:32,975 I knew they were right. 174 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,351 Your mom was the only one 175 00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:36,979 I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 176 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,856 So I saved my money, and, a few months later, 177 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,190 I bought a ring. 178 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:43,404 So, did you enjoy your pesto with pesto? 179 00:06:43,405 --> 00:06:45,989 Does this smile give you your answer? 180 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:50,284 Lois, there's something I want to ask you. 181 00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:52,912 Will you marry me? 182 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,456 Oh, Peter, I'm-I'm so sorry, but... 183 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:57,917 I'm already engaged to Tom Tucker. 184 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,044 Passed over for Tom Tucker? 185 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,795 That's terrible. 186 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,298 What do you think of that, fellow '90s star Joey Lawrence? 187 00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:06,300 - Meh. - Oh. Huh. 188 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,302 Okay, well, what would you think if I told you 189 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,471 that Blossom would completely drop out of show business 190 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,389 to get a PhD in neuroscience 191 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:15,059 and then come back and make $15 million a year, 192 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,227 while you would work steadily for 20 years, 193 00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:19,063 lose all your hair and go bankrupt? 194 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:21,190 - Whoa! - (CHUCKLES): There it is! 195 00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:24,445 Yeah, that's the... That's the thing I wanted. 196 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,866 Where's Dad? 197 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,660 AOL GUY: You've got male porn! 198 00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:35,079 Peter, get in here and finish the story! 199 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,998 Sorry, I was just watching some guy take it in the AOL. 200 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:40,084 - Goodbye. - All right, where were we? 201 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:43,087 Mom just said she got engaged to Tom Tucker? 202 00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:45,798 Well, deep down, I knew I loved your father, 203 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,550 but I guess I just caved to my father's pressure. 204 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,552 And on my 28th birthday, 205 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:53,888 he introduced me to my future husband. 206 00:07:53,889 --> 00:07:56,893 (TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING) 207 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,108 (MUSIC ENDS) 208 00:08:04,024 --> 00:08:09,571 (HIGH-PITCHED): ♪ He's your king-to-be ♪ 209 00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:13,617 ♪ A king to be forever ♪ 210 00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:17,287 ♪ A king who'll do whatever ♪ 211 00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:20,082 ♪ Her Highness ♪ 212 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:23,670 ♪ Desires ♪ 213 00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:28,925 ♪ He's your king-to-be... ♪ 214 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:31,844 Thanks, Ollie. 215 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,721 Good afternoon, Lois. I'm Tom Tucker, 216 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:34,888 your king-to-be. 217 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,223 In other news, 218 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,726 President Clinton sent me a congratulatory cigar, 219 00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:40,644 but it's a little moist. 220 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,730 PETER: Well, I wasn't gonna give up that easily. 221 00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:45,399 So I decided I was gonna do the most powerful thing 222 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,402 you could do in the '90s: make a mixtape. 223 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,404 Again, Peter, it's your mixtape, 224 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:53,240 but you've got "Cotton Eye Joe" as song number two, 225 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,075 number four, seven and eight. 226 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:56,493 You think it should be number three as well? 227 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:57,578 No! 228 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,455 I made it number three as well. 229 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,248 Oh, Peter, I got to say, 230 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,751 the fourth and fifth time I heard "Cotton Eye Joe," 231 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,419 it really got to me. 232 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,755 LOIS: I was so happy. 233 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,173 I knew Peter was the one 234 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:11,759 I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 235 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,303 But I dreaded having to tell my father. 236 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:17,347 Luckily, he was remarkably understanding about it. 237 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:20,142 I've decided to be remarkably understanding about this. 238 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,436 - Really? - Yes. And to prove it, 239 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,605 I'm going to pay for Peter's bachelor party 240 00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,148 at the MTV Beach House. 241 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,317 And I promise it's not part of a ruse 242 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:30,778 to destroy your affection for Peter once and for all. 243 00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,529 Oh, Daddy, thank you! 244 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:33,989 PETER: I was thrilled. 245 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:36,450 Not only was Carter letting me marry Lois, 246 00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:39,787 but this was gonna be the ultimate bachelor party. 247 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,872 The MTV Beach House was located 248 00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:44,333 in the most hepatitis-rich part of Florida, 249 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,960 known as Florida. 250 00:09:46,793 --> 00:09:48,337 Whassup?! 251 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,047 (CHUCKLES) Commercials. 252 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:52,216 No skipping those yet. 253 00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:54,968 We partied the same way everyone in the '90s did, 254 00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,845 spaced apart by a few feet, 255 00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,639 dancing on our own. 256 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,183 JOE: Yeah, I was pretty much the coolest guy there. 257 00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:02,810 With the best legs. 258 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:05,312 There were these other idiots there having a bachelor party, 259 00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:06,814 but I didn't know 'em. They were losers. 260 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,857 - PETER: Joe? - JOE: Who's that? Peter? 261 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,818 PETER: Yeah, get out of my story. What the hell are you doing? 262 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:14,321 JOE: I'm telling the story of my days at the MTV Beach House. 263 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:15,906 You get out of my story! 264 00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:18,284 I'm about to tell how I met Daria. 265 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:23,038 So, you partying hard or hardly partying? 266 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,748 Hardly interested. 267 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,041 You're mean! 268 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,168 (DARIA THEME PLAYING) 269 00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,379 ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ 270 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:33,465 ♪ La-la-la-la-la. ♪ 271 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,134 PETER: I even got to meet my heroes, 272 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,095 Mark McGrath, Pauly Shore and Jamie Kennedy, 273 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,721 and we became friends. 274 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,515 Guys, come be in my wedding. 275 00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,767 Then we can all enter the 2000s together as friends. 276 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,853 Sorry, Peter, but we can't go with you. 277 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,396 We're not allowed in the 2000s. 278 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:50,149 Yeah, we have to stay back here in the '90s. 279 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,651 - Goodbye, Peter. - PETER: And then, 280 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,696 they all walked into the sea and disappeared forever. 281 00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,114 Tell the world about us! 282 00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,448 PETER: I planned to, 283 00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,409 but then I found a half-eaten hot dog 284 00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,744 that only had a little bit of sand on it. 285 00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:04,913 And most of the sand was very brushable. 286 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,416 You can pretty much wash a hot dog with soap and water, 287 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:08,959 and you can still eat it. 288 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,795 I danced for eight hours straight on The Grind, 289 00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:14,298 occasionally going into the pool to pee. 290 00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:16,383 Also, for some reason, I was the only guy 291 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,552 - a bee was following the whole time. - (BUZZING) 292 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:20,721 Maybe it was 'cause of the Country Time Lemonade powder 293 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:22,931 I'd been eating, or 'cause me and Quagmire 294 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,933 were huckin' Capri Suns at each other. 295 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:27,269 But little did I know, while I was dancing 296 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,229 and periodically peeing in the pool, 297 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:31,440 Carter was orchestrating a plan 298 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:34,943 to destroy my relationship with your mom once and for all. 299 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,778 Hey, you're Daisy Fuentes. 300 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:39,573 Oh, that's how I say my last name. 301 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,992 You're the hottest girl of 1990-this. 302 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:44,119 I've got a proposition for you. 303 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,955 (WHISPERING) 304 00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:51,752 Hey, there. You're all that and a bag of chips. 305 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,670 What a cool phrase. 306 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:56,673 I hope it never sounds dumb and dated. 307 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,300 (BOTH GRUNT) 308 00:11:58,301 --> 00:11:59,801 (CROWD CHEERING, WHISTLING) 309 00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,762 (DAISY GRUNTING) 310 00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:05,307 Look, Peter's wrestling with Daisy Foo-en-taze! 311 00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:06,725 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 312 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,769 (BOTH GRUNTING) 313 00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:10,270 (DAISY GRUNTS) 314 00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:12,606 PETER: It all happened so fast. 315 00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:16,485 Oh. We're having fun 'cause it's not 9/11 yet. Mmm. 316 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,278 PETER: But the next thing I knew, 317 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,280 I was kissing Daisy Fuentes. 318 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:23,533 And it was on national television. 319 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:26,203 LOIS: I was home doing what girls did at the time... 320 00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:28,413 Looking at pictures of John Elway. 321 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:31,541 (SIGHS) My horse-toothed dreamboat. 322 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:33,502 Denver looks beautiful. 323 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:36,755 (GASPS) Peter?! How could you?! 324 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,842 LOIS: My heart shattered the moment I saw it. 325 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:45,639 I took your father's mixtape and hucked it into the ocean. 326 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,351 Right then and there, I vowed I would never see him again. 327 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:50,435 (LAUGHS) 328 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,159 She said "wood." 329 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,230 (LAUGHS) 330 00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:54,815 That was cool. 331 00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:56,941 Yeah. Wood! Wood! 332 00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:59,027 You're right! Wood. 333 00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,905 (LAUGHTER) 334 00:13:02,905 --> 00:13:05,201 (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) 335 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,413 (LAUGHTER) 336 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:19,172 Daddy, tell us more about the black '90s. 337 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:22,154 Well, Magic Johnson got AIDS, and I was like, "What?!" 338 00:13:22,155 --> 00:13:24,845 But then, he came back the next season and scored 30 points 339 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,222 in a game where no one would touch him. 340 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:30,058 And he caught it through heterosexual sex contact? 341 00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,269 Well, that is magic. 342 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,563 (LAUGHS) Terrific. Thank you, Cleveland. 343 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,857 And thank you to the entire Brown family, 344 00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,859 whose last name escapes me at the moment. 345 00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:40,569 (LAUGHS) Terrific. 346 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:41,862 Thanks, Dad. 347 00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:43,280 Now back to your story. 348 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:45,407 I had just lost the love of my life. 349 00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:47,576 So as a way to forget my pain, 350 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:51,146 I threw myself into a dot-com startup with Quagmire. 351 00:13:51,147 --> 00:13:53,582 We were two ambitious young entrepreneurs 352 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,625 at the height of the dot-com bubble. 353 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,263 Oogle? Goo goo? 354 00:13:58,264 --> 00:14:00,714 Gah-gah goo? Gee-gee goo? Go... go go? 355 00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:03,050 Keep saying baby words, Peter. You're onto something. 356 00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:04,593 We're close. We're circling it! 357 00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,763 Goo-goo gah-gah? Oo... oogle? Ooh eee ooh ah ah? 358 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:10,140 Moments late, we'd found a business idea destined 359 00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:13,518 to change the tech world forever: Googoogle. 360 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:16,313 A search engine for all the info on the Goo Goo Dolls. 361 00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:19,608 People are always gonna need information about them! 362 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,068 PETER: We were on our way. 363 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,736 We rented office space, 364 00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:25,614 and watching it gave us the idea to rent office space. 365 00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,574 (LAUGHS) Lumbergh. 366 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:29,576 (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) 367 00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:33,246 Uh, clearly, we hadn't discussed the, uh, 368 00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:34,831 tone of our work environment. 369 00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:36,636 I should say we haven't. 370 00:14:36,637 --> 00:14:38,668 I thought this was to be a place of business. 371 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,462 We got over our initial differences, 372 00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:42,297 and then spent the rest of the day doing 373 00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,091 what everybody did in the '90s... 374 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:47,094 Debating what was better... Forrest Gump or Pulp Fiction. 375 00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:48,970 Forrest Gump is ridiculous! 376 00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:52,099 One guy does what he's told all the time and makes millions. 377 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:55,477 But a girl goes off, tries to be different, gets AIDS, and dies! 378 00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:58,313 I find your argument shallow and pedantic. 379 00:14:58,314 --> 00:14:59,648 I didn't see either one. 380 00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:01,483 I saw Ace Ventura 50 times. 381 00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:03,777 Laughed so hard, I crapped myself in the theater. 382 00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:05,112 Just thinking about it now makes me... 383 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:06,154 (LAUGHS) 384 00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:07,239 - (LOUD FLATULENCE) - Ow! 385 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,157 LOIS: Meanwhile, my wedding plans 386 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,742 with Tom Tucker were back on. 387 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,494 Are you ready? I can't believe 388 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,329 the wedding is just two scenes away. 389 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,190 What's wrong, sweetie? 390 00:15:16,191 --> 00:15:18,902 I guess I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing. 391 00:15:18,903 --> 00:15:20,460 What if this is a mistake? 392 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,963 Trust me, you're doing the right thing. It's gonna be great. 393 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,965 Now, listen, we don't have too much time before the wedding, 394 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,508 so I want to go over something 395 00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:27,968 regarding the father-daughter dance. 396 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:31,138 It goes, "Dallah-hollah wallah-ballah-dallah Macarena, 397 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,181 wakka-lakka-chakka-hakka-bakka Macarena." 398 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,683 Daddy, I don't think 399 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,852 "The Macarena" is the best father-daughter dance. 400 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,354 Well, how about another song from the '90s? 401 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:42,732 ♪ Casey would waltz with the strawberry blonde ♪ 402 00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:46,653 ♪ And the band played on... ♪ 403 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,780 What? Wrong '90s? 404 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:49,990 ♪ ♪ 405 00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,533 PETER: Like everything stupid 406 00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,535 in the '90s, Googoogle took off. 407 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:56,830 We celebrated in grand dot-com bubble fashion: 408 00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,832 by having an outrageous yacht party 409 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,417 with lobster fights and hookers. 410 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,294 We did Ecstasy, which was terrible for you, 411 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,379 and only ever made me feel fantastic. 412 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,214 Kids, don't do it. It's too awesome. 413 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,550 They said it would burn a hole in your brain, 414 00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,093 - but show me the hole. - LOIS: Peter, that's enough. 415 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,262 PETER: If you hate pure, unconditional love 416 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,723 and experiencing the profound harmony of the universe, 417 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,892 definitely do not try this drug. 418 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,935 There's also, like, a 90% chance you'll hook up, 419 00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:20,270 but really, no, don't do it. 420 00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:21,563 Even if you don't hook up, you don't care. 421 00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:23,064 But you'll hook up, guaranteed. 422 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,108 LOIS: Okay, Peter, let's move on. 423 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,110 CHRIS: And what was the name of that drug? 424 00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,403 PETER: But despite our success, 425 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,614 something was missing. 426 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,032 Peter, we did it! 427 00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:34,868 What's the matter? You still sad about Brandon Lee? 428 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,412 Yeah. I never heard of him before he died, 429 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,206 but when he died, it was so sad. 430 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,960 But also, it's Lois. 431 00:16:40,961 --> 00:16:42,584 She's getting married tomorrow. 432 00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:45,045 Somehow, all this success feels meaningless, 433 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,796 knowing I'm about to lose her forever. 434 00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,632 Peter, then you need to stop that wedding 435 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,883 before it's too late. 436 00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:51,593 But we've got a business to run. 437 00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:53,428 You don't care about this business. 438 00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,472 All you've ever cared about is Lois. 439 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:56,973 This is your last shot. 440 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,309 Peter, you get to that wedding. 441 00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:00,727 PETER: They were right. 442 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,229 So I decided to get there 443 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:04,272 the way everyone got around in the '90s... 444 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,027 Propelled by an explosion. 445 00:17:06,028 --> 00:17:08,109 (LOUD EXPLOSION) 446 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,112 (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) 447 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,991 Do you, Lois Commondenominator Pewterschmidt, 448 00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:18,287 accept this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? 449 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,830 (ALL GASPING) 450 00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,500 Peter? What the hell are you doing here?! 451 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:26,002 Lois, can I talk to you privately? 452 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,088 (LOUD EXPLOSION) 453 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:30,006 What is it, Peter? 454 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,801 Before you marry Tom, what's the Mortal Kombat blood code? 455 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,177 I keep forgetting. 456 00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:37,597 It's "A-B-A-C-A-B-B," but you can't do this now! 457 00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,099 You're ruining my wedding! 458 00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,809 Lois, if I didn't come here, 459 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,852 I'd regret it for the rest of my life. 460 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:45,605 I know I screwed up, and I don't deserve you, 461 00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,941 but I can't stop thinking about you, day and night. 462 00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:50,277 It's been this way since the day we met. 463 00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:53,989 I fell in love with you then, and I'll never stop. 464 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:56,199 Unless Daisy Fuentes felt something? 465 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,076 DAISY: Uh, I didn't. 466 00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,703 Lois, you're the only woman for me. 467 00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:00,954 He cheated on you! 468 00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,123 No daughter of mine is going to marry a cheater! 469 00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:04,499 Daddy's right. 470 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,501 Peter, I'm sorry, but you blew it. 471 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:10,046 I was in love with you, too, but then you cheated on me. 472 00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:12,048 You kissed Daisy Fuentes. 473 00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:15,010 Lois, there's something you should know. 474 00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:17,846 He didn't kiss me. I kissed him. 475 00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:19,806 Because you felt something? 476 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,349 Because Carter paid me. 477 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,517 Well, that's something! 478 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,894 Daddy... is that true? 479 00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:28,231 I only did it to protect you from making a huge mistake! 480 00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:30,984 Lois, I may not be as smart or as handsome 481 00:18:30,985 --> 00:18:33,153 as the guys your dad wants for you, 482 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:36,031 but I love you more than all of 'em put together. 483 00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:38,158 That's a fact. Just as sure 484 00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:41,411 as the Star Wars movies are a perfect isolated trilogy, 485 00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:43,457 unmarred by additional canon. 486 00:18:43,458 --> 00:18:45,448 Oh, Peter! 487 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:48,418 (ORGAN PLAYS "WEDDING MARCH") 488 00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:50,337 - Damn it, stop them! - PETER: One by one, 489 00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:53,757 members of Lois' family tried to stop me, but I laid 'em out. 490 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,508 There's something about punching someone 491 00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,926 - in a church that just feels good. - (YELLING) 492 00:18:57,927 --> 00:19:00,264 (BELL TOLLING) 493 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,058 (LOUD EXPLOSION) 494 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:05,894 Cleveland picked us up in a white Bronco. 495 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,476 (TIRES SQUEALING) 496 00:19:07,477 --> 00:19:09,939 Why did you have a white Bronco, Daddy? 497 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,067 I was driving my innocent friend O.J. 498 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,611 and his ex-wife's head down to Mexico. 499 00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,404 PETER: We eloped at Fenway Park, 500 00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:18,531 which I paid 50 grand to rent out 501 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,660 the day before the dot-com bubble burst. 502 00:19:20,661 --> 00:19:25,081 I now pronounce this the last straight marriage. 503 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,832 - (BOTH MOANING) - PETER: And I think 504 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:29,209 I got swindled on the Fenway deal 505 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,877 because there was a game that night. 506 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:33,254 - (BAT CLACKS) - STADIUM ANNOUNCER: It's a hit! 507 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:36,383 No! That would have been the game-winning run! 508 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,343 The Red Sox lose. 509 00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,261 ALL: Boo! 510 00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:41,971 LOIS: I was having serious regrets 511 00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,599 about my decision, but was already pregnant with Meg, 512 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,434 so there was no backing out. 513 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:47,811 ALL: Boo! 514 00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:50,480 (BEE BUZZING) 515 00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:52,774 This bee's chasing me! Somebody call Ace Ventura! 516 00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,109 - (LAUGHS) - (LOUD FLATULENCE) 517 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,945 Ow! 518 00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:59,406 (BOTH LAUGHING) 519 00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,449 (ALL THREE LAUGHING) 520 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:02,910 Aw. 521 00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:12,585 Wow, Mom and Dad. I feel like I learned so much tonight. 522 00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,505 And not just about you guys, but also about the '90s. 523 00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:18,299 Oh, there's a lot more to learn about the '90, Meg. 524 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,009 Like, for instance, are you familiar 525 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,761 with a band called "Counting Crows"? 526 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,264 I think I might have heard them in a Starbucks. 527 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:25,849 Yes, you have. 528 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:28,935 Anyway, their lead singer is this thing called Adam Duritz. 529 00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,646 He looks like if Marc Maron had sex with a scarecrow 530 00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,982 and gave birth to a baby made of hemp. 531 00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:36,317 I always thought he looked like the Cowardly Lion 532 00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:39,195 in a suburban white high school production of The Wiz. 533 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:41,239 - That's not what that is? - No, Chris. 534 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,949 But actually, the joke's on us, 535 00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,493 because this Sideshow Bob burnout slept 536 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,829 with a primo roster of '90s tail. 537 00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:49,664 - Jennifer Aniston. - No. 538 00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:51,374 - Courteney Cox. - What?! 539 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,418 - Winona Ryder. - That guy?! 540 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:56,129 Christina Applegate, Lara Flynn Boyle, Emmy Rossum. 541 00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:58,506 Ooh, this is just making me angry. 542 00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:01,969 - Mary-Louise Parker. - I hear she's difficult.