1
00:00:03,629 --> 00:00:05,506
ADULT SHELDON:
<i>For most students, the weekend</i>

2
00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:07,133
<i>represented two days of fun,</i>

3
00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:09,677
<i>freedom, and in the case
of my brother,</i>

4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,596
<i>a chance to ignore
all forms of hygiene.</i>

5
00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:17,518
[quietly]
Come on, come on.

6
00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,395
ADULT SHELDON:
<i>To me, however, it represented</i>

7
00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:21,439
<i>an unwelcome break
from education.</i>

8
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,317
[school bell rings]
[excited chatter]

9
00:00:25,401 --> 00:00:27,778
Whoo! Thank the Lord!

10
00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:30,156
ADULT SHELDON: <i>But this wasn't
a typical weekend,</i>

11
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:32,241
<i>because this was the weekend</i>

12
00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,285
<i>I got to do my parents' taxes.</i>

13
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,788
Howdy do, W-2.

14
00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:40,833
<i>♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪</i>

15
00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,586
<i>♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪</i>

16
00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:46,255
<i>♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪</i>

17
00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:49,216
<i>♪ I am a mighty little man ♪</i>

18
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:52,386
<i>♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪</i>

19
00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,395
"If you were not covered
by a retirement plan,

20
00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:05,816
but your spouse was,
see the worksheet on page 14."

21
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,860
Try and stop me.

22
00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:10,613
Mom, I was going through
our expenditures

23
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:13,032
and noticed our grocery bills
are up 12 percent compared

24
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,201
to last quarter.
Any idea why?

25
00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:18,579
There's a person at the end of
the table that eats for free.

26
00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:20,748
There's a person at
the other end of the table

27
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,333
that eats for three.

28
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,459
[laughs]

29
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,836
I've been buying groceries
for the church food drive.

30
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,254
I think that's it.

31
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,215
Ooh, I bet I could
write that off,

32
00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:32,093
including the gas it took to
drive to the grocery store

33
00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:33,594
and then to the church.

34
00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:34,905
With all that driving,
maybe she can count

35
00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:36,097
her car as a home office.

36
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,308
Sounds aggressive, but I like
how you're thinking.

37
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,228
None of that is necessary,
it's for charity.

38
00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:44,897
What's the point of charity
if there are no tax benefits?

39
00:01:45,397 --> 00:01:46,524
Eat your peas.

40
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,817
I like how he's thinking.

41
00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:49,527
You eat your peas, too.

42
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:50,903
[laughs]

43
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:55,574
Dad, banking question.

44
00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:56,659
What's that, buddy?

45
00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:58,202
I noticed there's a check missing.

46
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,246
I have a copy of check 128

47
00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:02,957
and a copy of check 130,
but 129 isn't there.

48
00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:05,876
Yeah,
don't worry about it.

49
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,629
But I enjoy worrying;
I find it very relaxing.

50
00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:10,214
'Course you do.

51
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,566
I balanced the rest
of the account,

52
00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:14,385
and it appears to be
a check for $300.

53
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,762
All right, well,
let's just put it down

54
00:02:16,846 --> 00:02:18,848
for $300 for miscellaneous.

55
00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:22,059
I've never labeled anything
miscellaneous in my life.

56
00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:23,227
I'll go ask Mom.

57
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:24,979
Wait. [chuckles]

58
00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:27,565
I just remembered.

59
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:31,235
I gave the money to a friend.

60
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,154
- Who?
- It doesn't matter who.

61
00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,572
Why'd you give it to them?

62
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,241
They needed it.
It... it's like charity.

63
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,743
Ooh, another write-off.
Excellent.

64
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,287
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

65
00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:46,876
What do you say
we keep this quiet?

66
00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:48,711
You mean like a secret?

67
00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:51,630
No, no, just, you know,
something between you and me.

68
00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:52,756
What about Mom?

69
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,633
Mom is on a need-to-know basis.

70
00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:55,801
What if Mom needs to know?

71
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:57,553
Okay, it's a secret.

72
00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:59,221
Just trust me.

73
00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:01,849
It is better for everyone
if she doesn't know about this.

74
00:03:01,932 --> 00:03:03,767
But I'm not good
at keeping secrets.

75
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,853
It's not hard.
Just keep your mouth shut.

76
00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:07,605
But I'm not good
at keeping my mouth shut.

77
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:11,692
Sheldon, all you got to do
is be cool.

78
00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,196
ADULT SHELDON:
<i>"Be cool."</i>

79
00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:18,616
<i>He might as well have asked me
to fly around the backyard.</i>

80
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,494
- Good night, baby.
- Night, Mama.

81
00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:25,122
- Love you.
- Love you, too.

82
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,584
Oh, hello.

83
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:32,046
I was just brushing my teeth
like I do every night.

84
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:34,173
[laughs nervously]
Nothing new there.

85
00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,257
You all right?

86
00:03:35,341 --> 00:03:37,718
Yes. I'm cool.

87
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,220
I'm very cool.

88
00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:41,013
Tell Sheldon what cool means.

89
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,765
Hush.

90
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,183
Sweet dreams.

91
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,935
Love you.

92
00:03:46,018 --> 00:03:49,104
Love you, too,
'cause you're my mom.

93
00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:50,731
[laughs nervously]

94
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,280
You're so weird.

95
00:03:59,073 --> 00:04:00,324
More than usual?

96
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,327
No, I guess not.

97
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:04,912
Perfect.

98
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,165
ADULT SHELDON:
<i>To avoid looking suspicious,</i>

99
00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:11,627
<i>I tried to interact with my mom
as little as possible.</i>

100
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,797
<i>Thankfully, it's rude to speak
with your mouth full.</i>

101
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,299
You look tired, baby.
Sleep okay?

102
00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:18,634
Mm-hmm.

103
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:23,847
So how big a tax refund
you think we're gonna get?

104
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:25,933
Mm.

105
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,227
- Mornin'.
- Mornin'.

106
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:29,937
I slept in the nude last night.

107
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,981
Felt every little breeze.

108
00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,358
Thank you for sharing that.

109
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,485
You're welcome.

110
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:39,071
<i>Fight, you cowards, fight!</i>

111
00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:41,865
HE-MAN:
<i>You fight, Skeletor.</i>

112
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:45,286
Mare, we got any batteries?!

113
00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:49,373
MARY: <i>Look in the drawer
by the refrigerator.</i>

114
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,625
ADULT SHELDON: <i>There was only
so much food I could eat,</i>

115
00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:54,753
<i>so I started avoiding my mother
whenever possible.</i>

116
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,048
[gasps]

117
00:04:58,132 --> 00:04:59,609
[whispering]
What are you doing in there?

118
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,135
[whispering]
Keeping your secret.

119
00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:02,845
You got to pull it together.

120
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,888
This is me pulling it together.

121
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:06,682
- Pull harder.
- MARY: <i>Find 'em?</i>

122
00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:09,518
Yeah. [chuckles]
Got 'em. Thanks.

123
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:12,021
You're very welcome.
Hey, have you noticed

124
00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:13,355
anything off with Sheldon?

125
00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:16,692
Uh, no, no, no.
Can't say that I have. Why?

126
00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:20,404
He's been awful quiet,
and at the risk of being indelicate,

127
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:23,282
he's gone several days
without a bowel movement.

128
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,742
How do you know that?

129
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,744
Well, I was worried about him,

130
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,370
so I took a look
in his potty journal.

131
00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:29,764
He's still keeping
that thing, huh?

132
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,458
Oh, yeah, that's why he wanted
the Polaroid camera.

133
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,669
Uh, well,
I'm sure he's gonna be fine,

134
00:05:35,753 --> 00:05:38,130
uh, but I'll keep an eye on him.

135
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,799
- Thank you.
- You got it.

136
00:05:43,761 --> 00:05:46,680
- [whispering] She's gone.
- SHELDON: Thank you.

137
00:05:46,764 --> 00:05:49,433
Batteries are in this drawer.

138
00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:54,104
[knocking on door]

139
00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:58,817
We got a problem.

140
00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:04,090
I don't know how much longer
Sheldon can hold out.

141
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,450
This is why I did not want you
to write a check.

142
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:07,853
Well, I'm sorry,
but I didn't have

143
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,328
that kind of cash
lying around.

144
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,622
I do not want Mary to find out
about this.

145
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,082
Well, what about Sheldon?

146
00:06:13,165 --> 00:06:15,751
The kid hasn't pooped in days.
He might pop.

147
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:18,504
Slip a little Metamucil into
his apple juice, he'll be fine.

148
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,172
Why don't we just come clean?

149
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:24,593
All right, sure,
we could do that.

150
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,180
You could rat me out
to Mary and...

151
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:31,683
I could tell her what you did
at the church picnic.

152
00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,394
Come on.

153
00:06:33,477 --> 00:06:34,937
Now you're just playing dirty.

154
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,523
We sink or swim together,
George.

155
00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:40,484
We sink or swim together.

156
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,908
Grandmas are supposed
to be nice.

157
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,119
What went wrong with you?

158
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,583
ADULT SHELDON: <i>Avoiding
my mother in our own house</i>

159
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,252
<i>was proving to be difficult,</i>

160
00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,921
<i>so it was time
to get creative.</i>

161
00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:04,758
Hello. I'd like to book a room
in your hotel.

162
00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:07,428
I'd be arriving tonight.

163
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:10,681
No, it's just me.

164
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,809
Ooh, a queen bed.
That sounds fancy.

165
00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:16,395
And how much
would this room cost?

166
00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:20,399
Wow. Is that per month?

167
00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:23,193
Per day?

168
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:26,447
By any chance, do you have
a children's rate?

169
00:07:28,157 --> 00:07:30,659
We've been friends
for a while now, haven't we?

170
00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,828
I suppose so.

171
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:35,414
Given that, how would you
feel about a sleepover?

172
00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,666
Sure. Your mom
lets you watch TV.

173
00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:39,168
<i>Jake and the Fatman</i>
is on tonight.

174
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:41,628
I meant we could sleep
at your house.

175
00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:43,422
But you'll miss
<i>Jake and the Fatman.</i>

176
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,799
Even better.
So what do you say?

177
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,385
I'll have to ask my mom.

178
00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:51,221
Well, be sure to tell her
I'm clean, I'm well-behaved,

179
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:52,574
and if you don't have
a lot of room,

180
00:07:52,598 --> 00:07:55,184
I can fit
in really tight spaces.

181
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,023
So, your first sleepover.

182
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,483
Pretty exciting, huh?

183
00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:05,402
No. It's not exciting,
it's constipating,

184
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,571
and I'm only doing it
to avoid Mom.

185
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,449
But still,
it's your first sleepover.

186
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,242
It's fun stuff.

187
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:15,579
Okay, I know you're having
a tough time with this,

188
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,998
but... you're doing great.

189
00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:20,834
You spend some time
at Tam's house,

190
00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:23,837
you know, clear your head,
and come back home refreshed.

191
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,339
And then I can tell Mom?

192
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:26,798
Oh, no, you can
never tell Mom.

193
00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:29,801
Wouldn't it be easier
to just be honest?

194
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:32,679
Usually, it would be, but...

195
00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:35,140
sometimes the truth
can hurt people.

196
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,893
We wouldn't want
to hurt Mom, right?

197
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:38,977
Of course not.

198
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:40,479
Attaboy.

199
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:42,439
[music playing over radio]

200
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:47,361
Hey, here's a funny prank
you can try tonight.

201
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:50,030
When Tam falls asleep, put some
shaving cream in his hand

202
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:51,448
and then tickle his nose.

203
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:52,950
Why?

204
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,660
'Cause then he'll go to,

205
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:55,803
you know, scratch his nose,

206
00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:57,829
and he'll get shaving cream
on his face.

207
00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,331
And then what?

208
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:02,876
Well... that... that's it.

209
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,586
But I'm a guest
in their home,

210
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,338
and that doesn't seem
like a very good way

211
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,756
to repay their kindness.

212
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,008
Never mind.

213
00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:11,903
And what if the shaving cream
gets in his eyes?

214
00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,178
That would sting.

215
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,513
Sorry I mentioned it.

216
00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,236
Also, I didn't bring
my own shaving cream.

217
00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:17,450
I'd have to use his dad's,
and that...

218
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,268
Forget it!
[clears throat]

219
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,355
[doorbell rings]

220
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:28,527
- Hello.
- Hi. You must be Mrs...

221
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:29,778
Tam's mom.

222
00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,947
I'm Sheldon's dad,
George Cooper.

223
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,030
Nice to meet you.

224
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:34,741
Thanks for letting him
spend the night.

225
00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:36,368
It's his first sleepover.
He's excited.

226
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,287
Actually, I'm quite apprehens...

227
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:39,955
He's really looking forward
to it.

228
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,373
Uh, in case something

229
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:43,500
comes up,
just give us a holler.

230
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:45,520
I mean, a call. If you hollered,
we wouldn't hear you.

231
00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:46,795
[chuckles]

232
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,506
That-that was a joke.

233
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:51,300
[forced laugh]

234
00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:53,510
Okay, buddy, have fun.

235
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:57,723
ADULT SHELDON:
<i>Visiting Tam's house</i>

236
00:09:57,806 --> 00:10:00,434
<i>for the first time was
an emotional roller coaster.</i>

237
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:03,520
<i>For example, it's traditional
in Vietnamese homes</i>

238
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:06,607
<i>to have gruesome religious
iconography near the entrance.</i>

239
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,442
<i>I did not like that.</i>

240
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,694
<i>However, it's also customary</i>

241
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,112
<i>to not wear shoes
around the house</i>

242
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:14,239
<i>for sanitary reasons.</i>

243
00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:16,074
<i>I did like that.</i>

244
00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:17,909
<i>Interestingly,</i>

245
00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:20,287
<i>one of the main ingredients
in Vietnamese cooking</i>

246
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,999
<i>is an extremely pungent
condiment known as fish sauce.</i>

247
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,834
<i>I did not like that.</i>

248
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,878
<i>But before every meal,</i>

249
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:31,173
<i>it's common for everyone
to wash their hands and face.</i>

250
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,924
<i>I did like that.</i>

251
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:36,637
<i>Forks are not customary
in a Vietnamese household.</i>

252
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,221
[giggles]

253
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,058
<i>I did not like that.</i>

254
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,935
<i>And instead of napkins,
there was one towel</i>

255
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,646
<i>for everyone
to share at the table.</i>

256
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,900
<i>Seriously,
what are they thinking?</i>

257
00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:52,653
I can't help thinking
how odd it is

258
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:55,364
that Shelly volunteered
to go on a sleepover.

259
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:56,448
Oh, I don't know.

260
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,325
- Hmm?
- He's growing up.

261
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,786
It's natural for a young boy
to want to spread his wings

262
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,621
a little bit,
try something new.

263
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:03,955
That's nonsense.

264
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:05,374
Last week,
I brought home

265
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,226
the Raisin Bran
with the sugar on the raisins.

266
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,211
He almost lost his mind.

267
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,046
If you ask me,

268
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,547
you're worried
about nothing.

269
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:14,716
[sighs]
Maybe it's me.

270
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,427
Maybe I did something
to upset him.

271
00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:19,304
What are you talking about?

272
00:11:19,388 --> 00:11:21,473
He loves you like crazy.

273
00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:23,517
Much more
than he loves this one.

274
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,477
- It's true.
- I don't know.

275
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,479
I just feel
like something isn't right.

276
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,940
MISSY: <i>Mom!</i>

277
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,775
<i>I got my hair stuck
in my zipper!</i>

278
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:34,027
That's the kid you need
to be worried about.

279
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,408
[quietly] Okay, Connie,
why don't we just come clean?

280
00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:41,576
- No.
- [scoffs] You heard her.

281
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,537
Now she's blaming herself.

282
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:44,705
And Sheldon's so upset

283
00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:47,082
he's... he's acting
like a regular kid.

284
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,251
- All right, let's tell her.
- Thank you.

285
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,437
But first I'm gonna tell her
what you did at the picnic.

286
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,338
- Oh, Mary!
- Okay, okay, shh.

287
00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:57,426
[sighs]

288
00:11:58,343 --> 00:12:00,154
I don't know how much longer
we can keep this going.

289
00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:02,597
I'm willing to find out.

290
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:12,524
So, this game is called
<i>Mystic Warlords of Ka'a.</i>

291
00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:13,608
It's pretty fun.

292
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:15,736
There are six kinds
of secret warlords...

293
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:19,072
- [echoing] <i>Secret warlords.</i>
- GEORGE SR.: [echoing] <i>It's a secret.</i>

294
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:20,240
It's a secret.

295
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,003
Have you noticed anything off
with Sheldon?

296
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,285
Something between me
and you.

297
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:24,995
Mom is on a
need-to-know basis.

298
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,830
I took a little look
in his potty journal.

299
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,166
- It's a secret.
- Several days without a bowel movement.

300
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,001
- TAM: Sheldon.
- Secret. A secret.

301
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,836
- A secret.
- TAM: <i>Sheldon.</i>

302
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,421
Did you hear
anything I said?

303
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:38,800
Sorry, I was reliving
a traumatic experience.

304
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:39,884
What do you mean?

305
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:45,140
Tam, I have a secret
that's weighing on me,

306
00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:46,892
and I need to tell someone.

307
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,185
Okay. Tell me.

308
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,187
But I promised I wouldn't.

309
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:52,063
Okay. Then don't.

310
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:54,065
But it's driving me crazy.

311
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:55,442
Too bad you're not Catholic.

312
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:56,902
You could confess
it to a priest.

313
00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,738
That's a great idea.

314
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,656
You're Catholic.
I'll confess it to you.

315
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,033
I'm not a priest.

316
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,117
I'm not a Catholic.

317
00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:05,702
It makes perfect sense.

318
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,747
Okay, whenever
you're ready.

319
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,208
What are you doing?

320
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,418
I'm assuming the position.

321
00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:14,961
Okay.

322
00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,839
Forgive me, Tam,
for I have sinned.

323
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,716
This is my first confession.

324
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,052
I forgive you, my son.

325
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:26,640
I was doing my parents' taxes
and noticed a check was missing.

326
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,493
- I asked my father about it...
- ADULT SHELDON: <i>As I walked Tam</i>

327
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,227
<i>through the whole
sordid affair,</i>

328
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,938
<i>I could feel a weight
lifting off my shoulders.</i>

329
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:35,482
<i>It was a relief
to finally unburden myself</i>

330
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,067
<i>of this deception.</i>

331
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,735
<i>By the time I reached the end,</i>

332
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:41,029
<i>I felt like a new person.</i>

333
00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:43,073
That's the whole story.

334
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,534
Cool. Can we play now?

335
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:47,494
<i>And now that my conscience
had been cleared,</i>

336
00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:50,205
<i>my colon was ready
to do the same.</i>

337
00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:53,458
Excuse me. I need
to use your bathroom!

338
00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:56,586
[door creaks closed]

339
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,636
Thank you for letting me sleep
in your bed.

340
00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:07,472
My father taught me that
we must always honor our guests

341
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:09,391
and treat them
with the utmost courtesy.

342
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:12,310
The Vietnamese
are a very welcoming people.

343
00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:15,397
Yeah, that hasn't
always worked out for us.

344
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,776
[sighs]

345
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:22,571
Do you think
your dad would ever ask you

346
00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,531
to keep a secret from your mom?

347
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:25,699
Oh, no.

348
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,909
He's so honest, it's annoying.

349
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:29,870
Enough talking.

350
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,204
Sleep now.

351
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:35,458
She's just annoying.

352
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,377
♪♪

353
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,718
Well, you did it.

354
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,011
[grunts]

355
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:48,638
How was your first sleepover?

356
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,602
They feed you any weird food?

357
00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,770
When I was in 'Nam,
we ate fish soup for breakfast.

358
00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,147
[chuckles]

359
00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,608
Sheldon, I'm
talking to you.

360
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:01,776
Well, I'm not talking to you.

361
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,653
Okay, what's going on?

362
00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:06,031
After having my first
good night's sleep in a week,

363
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,408
I woke up
with a fresh perspective.

364
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,076
And that is...?

365
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,745
It was irresponsible of you

366
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,371
to burden me with that secret.

367
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,166
Sheldon, we've been
through this. [stammers]

368
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,001
It's complicated.

369
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:21,171
While I may not look up to you
from an intellectual standpoint,

370
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,256
I've always looked up
to you as a role model.

371
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,054
I can't do that anymore.

372
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,559
And don't worry...
we made a deal.

373
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:37,062
I'll continue
to keep your secret.

374
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,941
♪♪

375
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:44,444
[engine starts]

376
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:46,655
[birds singing]

377
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:49,532
Hey.

378
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:50,825
What's up?

379
00:15:50,909 --> 00:15:52,994
Um, I need to tell
you something.

380
00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:54,204
What did you do?

381
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:57,290
[sighs] When Sheldon
was doing our taxes,

382
00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:58,959
he noticed a missing check.

383
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:00,168
What did you do?

384
00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,729
Before I answer,
do you trust me enough

385
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,713
to understand
it was for a good reason

386
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,298
and j-just leave it at that?

387
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:09,886
[gulps]

388
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:11,763
What did you do?

389
00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:13,658
It's all your mother's fault.
She is a bad person.

390
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:15,433
I've been telling you for years.

391
00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:17,310
What did you do?

392
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,312
Okay, now,
before I answer that...

393
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:20,689
Just tell me
what you did.

394
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,065
I got a DWI.

395
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:23,858
Mom!

396
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,485
It's not as bad as it sounds.

397
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,904
How is driving drunk not bad?

398
00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,364
I wasn't exactly driving.

399
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,700
I don't follow.

400
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,952
I was at the dog track
with Georgie,

401
00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:35,412
and I had a few...

402
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,746
<i>Georgie?</i>

403
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,456
With God as my witness,

404
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:40,792
I've never been to the dog track
in my life.

405
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,794
[quietly]
She knows.

406
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,337
Oh, I've been
there a bunch.

407
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,673
Will someone please tell me
what happened?

408
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:50,176
Okay, me and Meemaw were
in the bar at the track...

409
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,137
You took him to a bar?

410
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:53,763
He wasn't drinking.

411
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,348
She had a few
too many margaritas,

412
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:56,683
so I drove us home.

413
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,393
But you don't have a license.

414
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:01,312
That's why we swapped places
after the cop pulled us over.

415
00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:02,689
Oh, dear Lord.

416
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,041
I had nothing to do
with this part.

417
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,859
- Shut up.
- Will do.

418
00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:07,277
MEEMAW: I didn't
want Georgie

419
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,528
to get into trouble,

420
00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:10,238
so I got behind the wheel

421
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:12,073
before the cop
walked up.

422
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,409
And then I got arrested,
and, uh,

423
00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:16,202
he bailed me out.

424
00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:18,621
So you all thought
you should keep this from me?

425
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,141
[all talking at once] - Absolutely.
- 100 percent.

426
00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:22,208
Okay, here's what's
gonna happen:

427
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:23,877
You and you
are staying at her house

428
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,920
until I say otherwise.

429
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,964
One could argue I was
the hero in this story.

430
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,967
You went gambling and you drove
without a license

431
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,594
and you lied to my face.

432
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:33,970
Heroically.

433
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,680
Go.

434
00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:43,021
I love everything about this.

435
00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:49,819
I'm guessing you're mad at me.

436
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,279
Aw, forget about it.

437
00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:53,073
I appreciate you not...

438
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:55,700
ratting me out about the picnic.

439
00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:58,912
Well, we had a deal.

440
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:02,123
Besides, your marriage
is already hanging by a thread.

441
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,708
It is dangling there.

442
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,378
All right, well,
I'm gonna turn in.

443
00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:08,880
Mmm.

444
00:18:08,963 --> 00:18:09,964
Good night.

445
00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:13,301
Night!

446
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:19,140
[phone rings]

447
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,225
Hello?

448
00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:21,601
MEEMAW:
So, get a load of this.

449
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:23,937
Last church picnic,
your husband

450
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,064
snuck in a six-pack,

451
00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:27,357
polished off the whole thing,

452
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,818
then went to wait in line
for the bathroom...

453
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:30,944
Hey.

454
00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:32,654
You got an extra toothbrush?

455
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:34,405
Under the sink, darlin'.

456
00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:35,573
Thanks.

457
00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:38,076
You got it.

458
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:42,038
So then the big gorilla decides
he doesn't want to wait in line,

459
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:45,208
so he stumbles over
to the church vegetable garden

460
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:49,546
and proceeds to irrigate
the whole damn thing.

461
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,006
I've eaten those vegetables.

462
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:54,801
Sweet dreams.
[laughs]