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sync and corrections by awaqeded
www.addic7ed.com.
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Hey!
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- Look what I got.
- Wow.
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My old glove. Oh, baby doll.
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- I had this when I was eight years old.
- Wow, man.
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Oh, my God. Do you know how many
errors I made with this glove?
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- Shit.
- Never should have played the infield.
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- I don't know why I did.
- Yeah, man.
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Yeah. Shortstop. I can't play short.
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- Nah.
- I ran home, I'd go home crying.
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Making errors every,
every time I played.
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It's hard playing infield
with polio, you know?
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I don't have polio, asshole.
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Every kid with those
kind of gloves had polio.
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Well, you know what?
I'm throwing it out.
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Everything's going. My... I...
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Do you believe all this shit
my parents saved?
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I'm getting rid of all of it.
I can't stand it anymore.
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Should drop this shit off
at a nursing home.
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- Oh. Look at this thing.
- Oh, fuck.
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- My mother's mink stole.
- Shh...
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- Ooh, she loved this stole.
- Wow.
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- Fuckin' beautiful.
- Yeah. I can't throw this out.
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I'm sending it to the dry cleaner.
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Those are making a big comeback, too.
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- Comeback?
- Yeah.
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See, when they wore those things,
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ladies and gentlemen carried
themselves a certain way.
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All the, all the guys called the
ladies "toots." "Hey, toots."
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And the girls would go,
"Poo-poo-be-doop." ♪ Poo-poo-be-doop ♪
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- That's how they did it back in the day.
- What does that even mean?
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- Why would they say, "Poo-poo-be-doop"?
- It's a cute thing.
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It gets a rise out of guys and shit.
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♪ Poo-poo-be-doop ♪
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That would get a rise
out of you? A woman going,
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- "Poo-poo-be-doop"?
- Fuck, yeah.
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- If I lived in the fuckin' '40s...
- Yeah.
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...and some girl said,
♪ Poo-poo-be-doop ♪
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I'd know I'm tappin' that ass.
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Ah. A text from Jeff.
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He's got... You know Clive Owen?
He's a new client?
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- Yeah, yeah.
- He's in previews now,
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and I'm going to his show tonight.
It's a one-man show.
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- I love that motherfucker...
- Yeah. He's like lost at sea or something.
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Oh, Jeff's very excited,
'cause, you know,
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he signed Clive Owen,
he's a big deal.
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Big fuckin' deal, man. Clive Owen, man.
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- I love that fuckin' dude, man.
- Let me get that.
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All right.
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Must have been nice.
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Tappin' that ass back in the days.
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Fuckin' in black and white.
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Hey. Larry. Got a package for you.
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Oh. Thanks.
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Have a nice day.
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- Hey.
- Trying to work me today, man.
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I got a package
from discreet shipping.
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The fuck could that be?
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- Oh, shit.
- An inflatable sex doll.
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- Wow.
- Huh? Is this your handiwork?
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Nah. That shit is old-school.
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That's like Mary Ann from
fuckin' Gilligan's Island.
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Oh. You know who sent this?
Freddy Funkhouser.
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It's Marty's half-brother.
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- Why would the motherfucker send you...
- I don't know.
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- What is this? Is this a joke?
- Yeah.
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It's an old-school
joke right here, man.
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The new ones, they got one that's
sensitive around the fuckin' neck.
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You could put hickeys on that
motherfucker if you wanted to, man.
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- I'm glad they're working on it.
- You should, it's fucking fabulous.
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Hey, do me a favor.
Get rid of this, okay? And this place...
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- What's happened to this place?
- Fuckin' mess, man.
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- It's a mess.
- Yeah.
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- So just throw this box out, will ya?
- Ha-ha-ha.
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- Will you take care of that? Huh?
- I got it, man.
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- I'll get rid of this shit for you.
- Thank you.
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- So, bathroom's gonna be over there.
- Yeah. Yep.
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- Two urinals.
- Mm-hmm.
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I got a lot of ideas for the urinals.
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- You wanna redesign a urinal?
- Yeah. Exactly.
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The splashing, the puddles...
that has to be eliminated.
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- It's a big issue. Yeah.
- Okay.
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What I wanted, I want
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- two planks about this wide.
- Okay.
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Going up, you walk up to the urinal.
I'm walking...
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You want it elevated?
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Elevated planks.
Your feet never touch the ground.
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Right.
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- Why?
- That's where the puddles are.
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What if they get urine on the planks?
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Well, that can't happen,
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because of this.
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That, my friend, is the pee cube.
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- The pee cube?
- Yes.
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You pee into the cube,
and there's a chute that goes down.
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Maybe we can get a... create
a vacuum or something,
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sucking the urine down the chute.
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- And then, so, two of these?
- Yeah.
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And then on the other side, I'll put
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two or three floor toilets. Correct?
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No, there's no toilets.
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There's no defecation here.
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If a customer comes in here
and does want to defecate...
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- Mm.
- ...what do you expect them to do?
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- I expect them to go some place else.
- Okay. So...
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Look, there's no defecation
in the building.
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You want me to make it so they can't?
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Could you do that?
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I could put a sensor on there
that detects a penis.
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A little, um, penis
sensor, if you will.
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Really?
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We can make it voice-activated.
It'll go...
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Doot-doot-doot.
"Penis detected." Woot.
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The door will open up,
and then once the man is done,
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doot-doot-doot. Woot. Slide down.
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- That's terrific.
- Hello, Larry.
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I'd like to introduce you
to Mr. Ted Danson.
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Mr. Danson has just become
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the newest financial backer
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of Mocha Joe's cafe.
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Well...
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You think you're up for
this fight, General Lee?
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- Yeah.
- Yeah?
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Yeah. I'm gonna look forward
to spiting your spite store.
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- You sure you wanna get into it?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm highly motivated.
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Well,
I do declare. As I recall,
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General Lee was a loser.
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Let's go, Mr. Danson.
I think we've said enough.
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Yeah.
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Another week without wind.
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Before this journey, my life was
bereft of the wind of purpose.
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Now I have the purpose,
but without the wind.
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Now there are no days, no nights.
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- Just the relentless slap of the wave.
- Wow.
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- He's great. Really great.
- I am completely alone.
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Even my parrot Lorita has perished.
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I give my last will
and testament to the waves,
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who refuse to weep with me.
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My final epitaph written
in the froth and the foam.
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- People are just sobbing.
- Goodbye, Kon Tiki.
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Really. Clive was so good.
I really loved the show.
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I really did. I'm...
I'm not just saying that.
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- No, I can tell. I loved it, too.
- Yeah.
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It was a great show.
People were sobbing.
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To a dramatic actor,
hearing sobs must be the same
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00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,056
as a comedian
hearing big laughs, right?
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- I would think so.
- Do me a favor?
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- Yeah?
- Tell him, tell him how much I liked it?
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I got a better idea.
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You tell him how much you liked it.
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Oh, no, no. Don't do that.
Don't... You're doing that?
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- Ringing. Ringing.
- I can't believe you're doing this.
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What are you doing?
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Hey, it's Clive here.
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Um, please leave a message. Thanks.
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Oh, hey, Clive. This is, uh,
Larry David, a good friend of Jeff.
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Uh, I saw the show last night.
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I really enjoyed it. Uh, good job.
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- There you go. I appreciate that.
- Matilda?
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- Miss Susie.
- Oh!
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- You ironed the napkins!
- Yes.
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Jesus fucking Christ, you're amazing!
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And I folded your laundry
by color and style.
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And today I'm gonna clean
your makeup brushes.
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You're gonna clean my makeup brushes.
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Oh, my God.
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You're a fucking saint!
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I love this girl. She's amazing.
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I'm telling you,
she takes initiative.
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I've never had a
housekeeper that does this.
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I am so completely jealous.
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Why?
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My house is a, you know,
I got... my house is a mess.
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Lar, she just told me this morning
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her Tuesday-Thursday
moved out of town.
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She's got an opening
she's trying to fill.
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- Really?
- Yeah.
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- I'll... I'll take it.
- You'll be very happy.
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- But Monday-Wednesday is mine.
- Yeah, yeah. Of course.
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All right. She's yours.
I'm gonna go tell her.
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But keep Leon away from her, please.
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That I can't guarantee.
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A sex doll? I, I...
What are you thinking about?
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- I don't even understand.
- Why?
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00:07:31,330 --> 00:07:33,306
Why'd you send a doll
like that to my house?
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00:07:33,330 --> 00:07:36,146
Hey, Freddy! Where's my section?
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00:07:36,170 --> 00:07:38,106
Uncle Moke, just look around.
You'll find it.
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00:07:38,130 --> 00:07:40,806
Take a look around.
You'll find it. You like it?
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00:07:40,830 --> 00:07:43,356
- A gag gift? You're sending me...
- No, no, no. It's a real gift.
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00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,476
- You've never had one?
- You think I'm gonna fuck that doll?
191
00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:46,971
Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever played around with 'em?
192
00:07:46,995 --> 00:07:47,813
No!
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00:07:47,814 --> 00:07:48,936
You cuddle it,
whatever your journey is.
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00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,896
- No, no. I don't know.
- No, no. That's not my journey.
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00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:51,734
I don't know what it is.
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00:07:51,758 --> 00:07:53,516
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna fuck a doll.
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00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,266
- You have one of these?
- Couple of 'em.
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00:07:55,290 --> 00:07:56,205
You've got a couple.
199
00:07:56,206 --> 00:07:57,896
I love it. I'm comfortable.
I'm healthy.
200
00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,306
That's where we're at. No disease.
201
00:08:00,330 --> 00:08:02,646
It feels good.
It's something you're connecting to.
202
00:08:02,670 --> 00:08:04,106
You got a good
imagination, same thing.
203
00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:05,646
The doll is whatever
you want it to be.
204
00:08:05,670 --> 00:08:07,186
Maybe you should try necrophilia.
205
00:08:07,210 --> 00:08:08,726
Now you're picking
different hang-ups.
206
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:10,266
I'm not saying that.
I'm saying the doll's...
207
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:11,856
You're open to so many things.
208
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,516
- I'm open to something that feels good.
- Fuck a dead woman.
209
00:08:13,540 --> 00:08:16,146
Here's the good news: If I
want to fuck a dead woman,
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00:08:16,170 --> 00:08:17,585
I'll fuck the doll. Okay? And that
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00:08:17,609 --> 00:08:19,356
way, I don't have to
fuck a dead woman.
212
00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:22,186
- You hear from Marty?
- He's in China. He's doing great.
213
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:23,856
He met a girl, a real girl, no doll.
214
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:24,956
Chinese girl?
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00:08:24,957 --> 00:08:27,016
Yeah. He sent me a nice e-mail.
He's lovin' it.
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00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,106
- Excuse me. No browsing.
- I'm not browsing.
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00:08:29,130 --> 00:08:30,610
Put the magazine away or buy
it, please.
218
00:08:30,634 --> 00:08:31,736
I'm not browsing.
219
00:08:31,737 --> 00:08:32,551
Leave me alone.
220
00:08:32,552 --> 00:08:34,022
You have been here for
at least ten minutes.
221
00:08:34,023 --> 00:08:35,226
No problem. He's gonna buy it.
I'm a buyer.
222
00:08:35,250 --> 00:08:37,516
- Oh, this is your father?
- Yeah, he's just looking. I'm a buyer.
223
00:08:37,540 --> 00:08:38,680
Moke.
224
00:08:39,210 --> 00:08:40,929
You buying this?
Of course I'm gonna buy it.
225
00:08:40,953 --> 00:08:41,837
Moke.
226
00:08:41,838 --> 00:08:44,560
All the free porn on the Internet.
Why stick with magazines?
227
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,266
- It's on the Internet?
- Yeah. Do you have a computer?
228
00:08:47,290 --> 00:08:49,226
Yeah. My kids bought me a
computer, but I don't use it.
229
00:08:49,250 --> 00:08:51,896
Well, Moke, everything here
230
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,766
is a click away on the Internet.
231
00:08:53,790 --> 00:08:56,106
Come on. Don't kid me.
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00:08:56,130 --> 00:08:57,726
- I'm not kidding you, Moke.
- You sure?
233
00:08:57,750 --> 00:08:59,606
- Moke, I am not kidding.
- Just don't kid me.
234
00:08:59,630 --> 00:09:01,980
- Check it out.
- Maybe I will.
235
00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:06,640
Thanks a lot.
236
00:09:09,460 --> 00:09:12,806
Now, Carol, what exactly
do you see in this man?
237
00:09:12,830 --> 00:09:14,686
What kind of question is that?
238
00:09:14,710 --> 00:09:17,106
- I think it's a good question.
- I think behind those...
239
00:09:17,130 --> 00:09:20,766
- dark clothes lies a...
- Very pretentious man?
240
00:09:20,790 --> 00:09:22,606
What's wrong with dark clothes?
I always wear black.
241
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,686
He thinks people are aware
that he dresses in black.
242
00:09:24,710 --> 00:09:26,106
He thinks he's like Johnny Cash.
243
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:27,646
- Why do you always wear black?
- Yeah. Why?
244
00:09:27,670 --> 00:09:29,686
I've been a comic 48 years,
and people expect me to be...
245
00:09:29,710 --> 00:09:31,266
Nobody gives a fuck.
246
00:09:31,290 --> 00:09:33,436
Is anyone else cold? Are you cold?
247
00:09:33,460 --> 00:09:34,766
- A little chilly.
- I'm cold suddenly.
248
00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:36,726
I wish I'd brought
a cardigan or something.
249
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:39,766
- We can turn on the heat lamp.
- Oh, yeah. That would be great.
250
00:09:39,790 --> 00:09:41,606
Um, excuse me.
251
00:09:41,630 --> 00:09:43,556
Do you have any problem
if we turn on the heat lamp?
252
00:09:43,580 --> 00:09:45,186
- She's very cold.
- We're hot over here.
253
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,976
- We're fine. It's okay.
- We're good here. It feels great.
254
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,804
You know,
the heat lamp's for both tables.
255
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:49,543
Well, we have seven.
256
00:09:49,544 --> 00:09:51,108
Well, but we have seven
people here and we're fine.
257
00:09:51,109 --> 00:09:52,925
- You have three people there.
- You're outvoted.
258
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,266
Yeah, I, I, I know, but she's cold,
259
00:09:54,290 --> 00:09:56,056
and it's worse to be cold, than hot.
260
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,306
No, it's actually worse
to be hot than cold.
261
00:09:58,330 --> 00:09:59,232
How do you figure?
262
00:09:59,233 --> 00:10:01,306
Because when you're cold,
you can put more things on.
263
00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:03,186
When you're hot,
you can only take so much off.
264
00:10:03,210 --> 00:10:04,523
Okay, well, that's a good point,
265
00:10:04,547 --> 00:10:06,106
if there are more things to put on.
266
00:10:06,130 --> 00:10:07,726
But there aren't more things
to put on.
267
00:10:07,750 --> 00:10:10,306
- Here. Have her wear that.
- Oh, that's funny, asshole.
268
00:10:10,330 --> 00:10:12,356
Look, we're not snowmen.
We need some heat.
269
00:10:12,380 --> 00:10:14,646
Hey. I just thought of something.
270
00:10:14,670 --> 00:10:16,856
- My mother's old mink stole.
- Oh.
271
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,106
I'm getting it dry-cleaned.
It's in my car. Let me go get it.
272
00:10:19,130 --> 00:10:21,936
- Thank you. No, that would be so nice.
- Yeah.
273
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,766
I really appreciate that, Larry.
274
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,306
- Oh, sure.
- Thank you, Larry.
275
00:10:25,330 --> 00:10:26,856
- Thank you, Larry.
- Wait till you see this thing.
276
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,766
- It's a beauty.
- Thanks, Larry.
277
00:10:28,790 --> 00:10:30,509
I mean, what a,
what a bunch of douche bags.
278
00:10:30,533 --> 00:10:31,556
Oh, there he goes. Wow.
279
00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:33,640
- Is he going to get warm?
- My God.
280
00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:36,976
- There we go. Look at this.
- Aw.
281
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,896
- Look, how beautiful.
- Huh? Do you like that?
282
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,356
- Thank you.
- Beauty on beauty.
283
00:10:41,380 --> 00:10:43,516
- Real mink. Real mink.
- So sweet of you.
284
00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:46,056
You know what? Actually, uh,
285
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,646
this reminds me of
286
00:10:47,670 --> 00:10:50,106
a stole my mother had
when I was a little girl.
287
00:10:50,130 --> 00:10:51,436
- Wow. No kidding.
- Yeah.
288
00:10:51,460 --> 00:10:54,310
She used to wrap me up
in it to keep me warm.
289
00:10:54,790 --> 00:10:56,936
Yeah. And I remember when I was 12,
290
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,766
my dad and mom took me to
see La Cage aux Folles.
291
00:10:59,790 --> 00:11:01,186
- Oh, La Cage aux Folles.
- You remember that?
292
00:11:01,210 --> 00:11:02,856
Yeah, I remember.
That was on Broadway, yeah.
293
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,936
It was such a great night.
And then when we came out,
294
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,306
we, uh...
295
00:11:06,330 --> 00:11:08,516
yeah, we couldn't get a cab,
because...
296
00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:12,186
well, they were all taken,
so we decided to take the subway.
297
00:11:12,210 --> 00:11:13,686
But, um...
298
00:11:13,710 --> 00:11:15,396
on the platform, my, uh,
299
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,106
my mom and dad
got in a really big fight,
300
00:11:17,130 --> 00:11:20,226
and they started pushing each
other, and...
301
00:11:20,250 --> 00:11:22,020
and the stole, it...
302
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,560
it landed on the tracks.
303
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:26,766
Oh, my God.
304
00:11:26,790 --> 00:11:29,186
I saw the lights
of the train, and I...
305
00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:31,976
I heard the... the honk of the train,
306
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,056
and my mom, she...
307
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,726
she jumped onto the tracks,
just really quickly,
308
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:38,856
just to grab the stole,
because...
309
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,896
it meant so much to her.
310
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,766
And then...
311
00:11:42,790 --> 00:11:45,686
she tried to get back up,
she tried to...
312
00:11:45,710 --> 00:11:47,896
- to scratch her way back up, but...
- Oh, come on.
313
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,226
Oh, my God. What a story.
314
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:52,936
Oh, my God. The horn. I just...
315
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,056
The sound of the horn.
316
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,686
- Oh, baby. I'm, oh...
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
317
00:11:57,710 --> 00:11:59,766
- I'm sorry!
- Geez. I'm so sorry.
318
00:11:59,790 --> 00:12:03,730
I just have so
little to remember her by.
319
00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:08,266
You know what, if it means
that much to you, I...
320
00:12:08,290 --> 00:12:10,106
I, I want you to have it.
321
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,569
I want you to have it.
I want you to keep it.
322
00:12:12,593 --> 00:12:13,436
What?
323
00:12:13,460 --> 00:12:15,726
- Really?
- I'm positive. Carol, please.
324
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:17,306
- Keep the stole.
- No, you take it.
325
00:12:17,330 --> 00:12:18,856
No, I'm giving it to you.
326
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:19,688
Really?
327
00:12:19,689 --> 00:12:21,106
She said she has so
little to remember her by.
328
00:12:21,130 --> 00:12:24,936
- Keep the stole.
- Oh, that's so... That's really nice.
329
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:25,884
Thank you.
330
00:12:25,885 --> 00:12:27,266
Of course.
If my mother were at the table,
331
00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:29,396
my mother would give
it to you, you know.
332
00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:31,856
- No, she wouldn't, but, you know.
- Thank you.
333
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,520
Oh, I'm buzzing.
334
00:12:35,710 --> 00:12:38,686
Oh, guys, I gotta go to work.
I gotta go.
335
00:12:38,710 --> 00:12:41,146
- Oh, no.
- I didn't even get to have lunch.
336
00:12:41,170 --> 00:12:43,226
- Bye, baby.
- Take care, baby.
337
00:12:43,250 --> 00:12:45,186
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
338
00:12:45,210 --> 00:12:46,856
- Bye, you guys.
- Enjoy that stole.
339
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,646
Bye-bye. I'll speak to you later.
340
00:12:48,670 --> 00:12:50,186
Oh, my God.
341
00:12:50,210 --> 00:12:52,686
The poor thing.
Imagine being a 12-year-old girl,
342
00:12:52,710 --> 00:12:55,556
seeing your mother
get hit by a train,
343
00:12:55,580 --> 00:12:57,186
going after a mink stole, ugh!
344
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,436
Wouldn't you wake up
every morning, boom...
345
00:12:59,460 --> 00:13:01,146
the horns, do you think of the horns?
346
00:13:01,170 --> 00:13:02,856
I mean, how do you even
go to work after that?
347
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,016
What, what... What does
she... What does she do?
348
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,516
She's a professional crier.
349
00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:10,186
What? A what?
350
00:13:10,210 --> 00:13:12,016
She's a professional crier.
351
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,436
She's hired to cry at weddings,
352
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,646
and funerals, or sometimes TV shows.
353
00:13:17,670 --> 00:13:19,516
You know, if there's a sad moment,
354
00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:21,856
she's in the background sobbing.
355
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,266
Oh, my God.
356
00:13:23,290 --> 00:13:25,226
What's wrong with you?
What are you worried about?
357
00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:27,686
I'm worried I just got fleeced
for a mink stole.
358
00:13:27,710 --> 00:13:29,766
- You piece of shit. How dare you?
- Piece of shit?
359
00:13:29,790 --> 00:13:30,521
How dare you?
360
00:13:30,545 --> 00:13:32,766
Are you kidding?
I mean, think about it.
361
00:13:32,790 --> 00:13:34,606
You can hear that,
and say something like that?
362
00:13:34,630 --> 00:13:36,146
Hey, let me ask you something.
363
00:13:36,170 --> 00:13:38,646
Have you guys ever had
a disagreement of any kind,
364
00:13:38,670 --> 00:13:40,686
where perhaps she started crying?
365
00:13:40,710 --> 00:13:42,266
- Yeah, a few times...
- What?
366
00:13:42,290 --> 00:13:44,146
- What was the disagreement?
- You know, dinner.
367
00:13:44,170 --> 00:13:46,266
She wanted Chinese, I wanted Italian.
368
00:13:46,290 --> 00:13:48,396
- So she wept openly and...
- Oh.
369
00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:50,686
Yeah, and you went down...
and you had Chinese food.
370
00:13:50,710 --> 00:13:53,266
- Chinese, we did.
- Oh, my God. Come on!
371
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,056
- This is unbelievable!
- Don't Perry Mason her.
372
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,686
She fucking conned me out of that
mink stole. This is incredible!
373
00:13:58,710 --> 00:14:00,339
I don't have to buy
your defense on this.
374
00:14:00,363 --> 00:14:01,160
You saw it!
375
00:14:01,161 --> 00:14:03,146
You witnessed it. She's a con crier.
376
00:14:03,170 --> 00:14:06,146
- So what do you want me to do?
- I can't believe I fell for that story.
377
00:14:06,170 --> 00:14:09,306
Oh...
the stole was on the subway!
378
00:14:09,330 --> 00:14:11,806
And the horn, the horn!
379
00:14:11,830 --> 00:14:14,180
I want that stole back, okay?
380
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,936
- Mr. Larry! Hey!
- Oh! Hey!
381
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,056
I clean all the windows
and all the mantles.
382
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,356
- Oh.
- They were so dirty.
383
00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:45,106
- And I polished all the doorknobs.
- Good.
384
00:14:45,130 --> 00:14:46,856
- Thank you so much. Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
385
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,436
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
386
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:50,266
What, what is this, Mr. Larry?
387
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,306
Oh. It's a...
388
00:14:52,330 --> 00:14:53,936
That's a doll.
389
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,936
- What kind doll?
- Eh, you know, I collect them.
390
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,726
They're like, uh,
big teddy bears. Yeah.
391
00:14:59,750 --> 00:15:01,306
You collect big plastic dolls?
392
00:15:01,330 --> 00:15:03,890
Yes, yes. I do. They, um...
393
00:15:04,790 --> 00:15:06,606
They normally come with clothes.
394
00:15:06,630 --> 00:15:08,516
- Yeah, she's naked.
- Yeah, it's naked, yeah.
395
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:10,806
They forgot to send the clothes
for some reason. I don't know why.
396
00:15:10,830 --> 00:15:13,606
You know, they come with
a lot of different outfits.
397
00:15:13,630 --> 00:15:15,396
- Oh, like the, this American Girl.
- Yes!
398
00:15:15,420 --> 00:15:17,476
Like the American Girl! Right, right.
399
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,106
Yeah, they have a nurse's outfit,
400
00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:22,106
they have a flight attendant,
a cheerleader.
401
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,976
They even have, um, a, a maid!
402
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,606
Oh! So, you know what?
403
00:15:26,630 --> 00:15:28,396
Let me clean it,
'cause it's a little bit dirty.
404
00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:30,516
Oh, no. You know, you don't, no. I...
405
00:15:30,540 --> 00:15:31,686
That's, uh... you know,
406
00:15:31,710 --> 00:15:33,646
it's very delicate, very delicate.
407
00:15:33,670 --> 00:15:36,146
Anyway, I just want you to know,
you're doing a fantastic job.
408
00:15:36,170 --> 00:15:38,146
Thank you. I wanted to ask you,
409
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:40,106
uh, I need to switch my days.
410
00:15:40,130 --> 00:15:41,856
- Mm-hmm.
- And I would like to work Mondays
411
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:43,396
and Wednesdays for you.
412
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:45,686
No, those are Susie's days.
413
00:15:45,710 --> 00:15:48,106
Oh, no. I'm not gonna be
working with Miss Susie anymore.
414
00:15:48,130 --> 00:15:50,226
- What? What do you, what do you mean?
- Her mouth.
415
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:52,476
She's like "F" this,
"F" that. She's so vulgar.
416
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,476
Like, F-bomb for everything.
417
00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:56,806
The thing is, I have
kind of an agreement with her.
418
00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:58,646
- I can't breach her.
- Well,
419
00:15:58,670 --> 00:16:00,396
all I can say is that
I have another family
420
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:02,856
that I need to work with on
Tuesdays and Thursdays, so...
421
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,146
- You're gonna leave Susie, regardless?
- Yeah, regardless.
422
00:16:05,170 --> 00:16:06,980
I am done with Miss Susie.
423
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,266
Okay.
424
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:11,476
- Yes? Okay.
- Ah.
425
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:13,811
See you next Monday.
I'm gonna do the refrigerator.
426
00:16:13,835 --> 00:16:14,646
Bye.
427
00:16:14,670 --> 00:16:16,936
Hey, do anchovies only go on pizza?
428
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,476
- Or can you eat 'em loose?
- Hey.
429
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,146
Come here, come here. You blew it up?
430
00:16:20,170 --> 00:16:21,856
- Yeah, I blew the shit up.
- You're supposed to get rid of it.
431
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,806
- Who, Sherry?
- Oh, Sherry? You gave it a name?
432
00:16:23,830 --> 00:16:25,220
Yeah, I mean,
I got her out of the box.
433
00:16:25,244 --> 00:16:26,396
Give her a little air and shit.
434
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,516
- Oh, so you were, you were curious.
- Fuck, yeah.
435
00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:30,016
I wanna see what the fuck
she was working with.
436
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:32,356
Yeah. And, uh...
437
00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:35,356
You didn't try and get a little
friendly with her, did you?
438
00:16:35,380 --> 00:16:36,896
What the fuck you trying to say?
439
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,171
Did you get a little
friendly with her?
440
00:16:38,195 --> 00:16:38,977
I'm insulted.
441
00:16:38,977 --> 00:16:39,663
That you would say some
shit like that to me.
442
00:16:39,687 --> 00:16:41,306
Leon, did you get a little
friendly with her, Leon?
443
00:16:41,330 --> 00:16:42,476
- Nah. Not at all.
- Huh?
444
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:43,686
Why do you always
look at me like this?
445
00:16:43,710 --> 00:16:45,266
I'm trying to look
into your fuckin' brain.
446
00:16:45,290 --> 00:16:47,476
- What is this? Yeah. Uh-huh.
- I'm lookin' into you. Yeah.
447
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,396
You look down into
a motherfucker's soul.
448
00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:50,856
You think you're better
than me, Leon Black?
449
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,436
- I know my character.
- Yeah?
450
00:16:52,460 --> 00:16:53,646
And when you accuse me
451
00:16:53,670 --> 00:16:55,186
of tappin' some ass like that...
452
00:16:55,210 --> 00:16:57,516
I wouldn't put it past you,
let's just say that.
453
00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:00,890
Get rid of that fucking thing.
454
00:17:02,170 --> 00:17:04,020
Be cool, Sherry.
455
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:08,856
- Hey.
- How are you?
456
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,726
- Good. Good.
- Well, guess what, ID?
457
00:17:11,750 --> 00:17:14,226
- What?
- I did what you wanted me to do.
458
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:16,516
- And it didn't work out.
- Oh.
459
00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:18,056
And Carol broke up with me.
460
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,211
Really?
461
00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:21,106
I went over there,
I asked for your mink back,
462
00:17:21,130 --> 00:17:22,436
she wept openly,
463
00:17:22,460 --> 00:17:24,016
- and kicked me out of her life.
- Oh, she wept openly.
464
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,476
That's how she got the mink
in the first place.
465
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:27,186
Yeah, well, you ruined
another woman for me.
466
00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:29,436
I could've had a baby with this
woman and maybe become a father.
467
00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:31,976
A baby? You're 200 years old.
You're gonna have a baby?
468
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,856
Do me a favor.
Just stay out of my affairs.
469
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,556
Meanwhile, she still has the mink, okay?
And I'm gettin' it back.
470
00:17:36,580 --> 00:17:37,936
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
471
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,600
Aah, bullshit.
472
00:17:40,250 --> 00:17:42,306
What the hell is that?
473
00:17:42,330 --> 00:17:44,266
Ah, it's a... It's a sex doll.
474
00:17:44,290 --> 00:17:46,766
- A sex doll.
- Yeah. Her name's Sherry.
475
00:17:46,790 --> 00:17:48,856
Come on. I'll introduce you to her.
476
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,396
You breached.
477
00:17:50,420 --> 00:17:52,686
You made a solemn promise, a vow,
478
00:17:52,710 --> 00:17:55,106
and you fucking breached, asshole.
479
00:17:55,130 --> 00:17:57,646
She was quitting!
She wasn't working for you
480
00:17:57,670 --> 00:17:59,726
on Mondays and Wednesdays,
that was it.
481
00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:02,436
She doesn't wanna work here.
She can't stand you!
482
00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:04,106
- Oh, that's nonsense!
- You're a vulgarian!
483
00:18:04,130 --> 00:18:06,306
You use disgusting language
around her.
484
00:18:06,330 --> 00:18:07,896
She's a strict Catholic girl.
485
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,520
- Okay...
- Hold on a second, here.
486
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,106
She make you biscuits?
487
00:18:13,130 --> 00:18:14,766
- Yeah.
- Ridiculous.
488
00:18:14,790 --> 00:18:16,396
- My God.
- Well, I'm gonna tell you
489
00:18:16,420 --> 00:18:17,606
a little something
what you're gonna do.
490
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,226
When those biscuits are warm,
491
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:21,606
you're gonna get out some tin foil,
492
00:18:21,630 --> 00:18:22,896
You're gonna wrap those babies up,
493
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,436
and you're dropping 'em off
at my office.
494
00:18:24,460 --> 00:18:26,306
And when you drop off those biscuits,
495
00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:28,976
you're gonna pick up my laundry
and take it to the Fluff and Fold.
496
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:29,824
All right?
497
00:18:29,848 --> 00:18:32,356
Yeah, I have a movie star
coming over here, Larry.
498
00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:36,476
And look at me, I'm putting out
premade fuckin' salads from Metzler's.
499
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:38,226
- Metzler's? You got Metzler's?
- Yeah.
500
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:39,896
- Yeah, I got Metzler's.
- Fanta... I love Metzler's!
501
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,556
Yeah. And then
I gotta clean up myself.
502
00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:43,646
I don't know how to do
this fucking shit!
503
00:18:43,670 --> 00:18:44,976
- You know what?
- What?
504
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,186
I'll help you clean up.
505
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:48,476
- Oh, please.
- I'm a fantastic dishwasher.
506
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:52,606
Did you know that? I can put my
hands in boiling, scalding water,
507
00:18:52,630 --> 00:18:54,266
and I don't feel anything.
508
00:18:54,290 --> 00:18:56,556
- I don't need gloves!
- Let me see those hands.
509
00:18:56,580 --> 00:18:57,638
I'm really good.
510
00:18:57,639 --> 00:18:59,516
You've never washed
a dish in your life.
511
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:01,306
Well, I haven't washed 'em
in a while, but...
512
00:19:01,330 --> 00:19:03,556
You've watched somebody else
wash and went,
513
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:05,388
"Oh, I could be good at that.
I could do that."
514
00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:06,686
I know I'm a great dishwasher!
515
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:09,396
- You've never washed!
- Don't tell me I haven't washed, Jeff!
516
00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:10,936
- You never washed.
- What? I haven't washed?
517
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,766
- And your hands are soft.
- I'll tell you what I'll do.
518
00:19:12,790 --> 00:19:14,124
I'll stick my hands in the sink right
519
00:19:14,148 --> 00:19:15,476
now. Put it on as hot as you want.
520
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,766
- You don't have special hands!
- I do have special hands!
521
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,766
- You do not have special hands!
- I do. They're very special.
522
00:19:19,790 --> 00:19:22,056
I'll stick 'em under any
hot water you can find, okay?
523
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,810
That's insane!
524
00:19:25,710 --> 00:19:27,310
Listen to me.
525
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,306
Clive's coming over.
526
00:19:29,330 --> 00:19:31,016
- Yeah.
- The voicemail you left.
527
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,436
Clive seems to think
it was insufficient praise.
528
00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:35,806
- What? Insufficient praise?
- Yeah.
529
00:19:35,830 --> 00:19:37,556
Yeah. You weren't enthusiastic.
530
00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:38,410
That's ridiculous.
531
00:19:38,434 --> 00:19:40,766
No. You gotta... When
you talk to these people,
532
00:19:40,790 --> 00:19:42,766
you gotta almost give
your own performance
533
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:44,556
about how much you loved it.
534
00:19:44,580 --> 00:19:46,396
All right. You know what? That's him.
535
00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:47,730
Okay?
536
00:19:48,210 --> 00:19:51,186
And by the way, you're doing
the dishes when we're done.
537
00:19:51,210 --> 00:19:53,396
- Great. Great.
- Yeah, good. Good for you.
538
00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:56,646
- Susie, I brought you a movie star.
- Ah, bravo!
539
00:19:56,670 --> 00:19:59,726
- Hey!
- Bravo! What a performance.
540
00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:01,896
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, my God.
541
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,806
- Thanks for inviting me over.
- Movie star.
542
00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:05,556
- Larry David.
- Hey.
543
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,266
Fantastic.
544
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:10,356
So, just dig in.
We went to this new sandwich place.
545
00:20:10,380 --> 00:20:12,356
- What's the name of it, Lar?
- Yeah, Metzler's.
546
00:20:12,380 --> 00:20:13,127
Metzler's.
547
00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:14,726
- So, they're supposed to be fantastic.
- Yeah, it looks great.
548
00:20:14,750 --> 00:20:18,230
In the UK they have, uh,
cucumber sandwiches, right?
549
00:20:18,630 --> 00:20:19,519
Just, just cucumbers?
550
00:20:19,543 --> 00:20:21,436
No,
there's cream cheese in there.
551
00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:22,472
Oh, there is?
552
00:20:22,473 --> 00:20:24,056
Yeah, we have a lot of
different sandwiches.
553
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,556
Yeah.
554
00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:27,896
Hey, Clive. Uh, I...
555
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,936
You know, I want
to apologize if, um...
556
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,106
my, my voicemail, my message
557
00:20:34,130 --> 00:20:36,806
- offended you in any way.
- A little weird, no?
558
00:20:36,830 --> 00:20:39,106
- You know, I'm not good at voicemails.
- Really?
559
00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:41,106
Yes. When I would leave
a message on, on,
560
00:20:41,130 --> 00:20:43,106
on a woman's phone,
I would always get in trouble
561
00:20:43,130 --> 00:20:45,646
and the relationship would be over.
I'm just no good at it.
562
00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:47,186
Yeah, but the weird
thing is, you know,
563
00:20:47,210 --> 00:20:49,106
if you go and see a play
and you don't like it,
564
00:20:49,130 --> 00:20:51,106
you kind of don't leave
a message, do you?
565
00:20:51,130 --> 00:20:53,066
No, but I did like it.
I... That's, that's...
566
00:20:53,090 --> 00:20:53,948
Really?
567
00:20:53,949 --> 00:20:56,106
- Yes.
- "Hi. This is Larry David.
568
00:20:56,130 --> 00:21:01,056
I just want to say I really
enjoyed the show. Good job."
569
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,806
Yeah. Like I said, I'm not, I'm not
good with... If it was in person,
570
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:07,306
- I would have been much more effusive.
- Really?
571
00:21:07,330 --> 00:21:09,310
- Yeah.
- So...
572
00:21:10,460 --> 00:21:13,266
I mean, it's hard to do now.
Bec... You know, it's...
573
00:21:13,290 --> 00:21:15,484
It's like doing an impression
for somebody. It's hard
574
00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:16,646
to just do it on command.
575
00:21:16,670 --> 00:21:19,806
- You do impressions?
- Yeah. I do a lot. I can...
576
00:21:19,830 --> 00:21:22,146
I can do Raymond Massey
from, uh, doing Lincoln.
577
00:21:22,170 --> 00:21:24,056
Raymond Massey as Lincoln.
You never see that!
578
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:27,930
"A house divided against itself
cannot stand."
579
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,476
Well, I was so moved, Clive.
580
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:34,766
The pathos of this character.
581
00:21:34,790 --> 00:21:38,806
- The triumph and the disgrace of his...
- Thank you.
582
00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:42,766
- Thank you.
- Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm-mmm!
583
00:21:42,790 --> 00:21:46,186
Oh, my God. Oh. This is unbelievable!
584
00:21:46,210 --> 00:21:48,806
This Metzler's? Best, the best.
585
00:21:48,830 --> 00:21:51,686
You see that? That is genuine praise.
586
00:21:51,710 --> 00:21:53,856
I do a fucking play for 90 minutes,
587
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,936
digging deep and doing
everything I can,
588
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,516
and you give that for a sandwich.
589
00:21:57,540 --> 00:21:59,766
So you do do praise, just not for me.
590
00:21:59,790 --> 00:22:03,016
You know, that, that kind of
thing, that's not for people.
591
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,686
That's for sandwiches,
a well-struck iron,
592
00:22:06,710 --> 00:22:08,556
- a good golf shot.
- Do you know what it takes?
593
00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:11,686
Stand up there for 90 minutes,
on your own, a one-man play?
594
00:22:11,710 --> 00:22:12,527
Mm.
595
00:22:12,528 --> 00:22:14,856
A serious subject like that.
Do you know what it costs?
596
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,766
Must be quite grueling.
597
00:22:16,790 --> 00:22:19,140
One wonders why somebody would do it.
598
00:22:20,710 --> 00:22:21,896
Is he for real?
599
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,726
No, I'm just saying. It seems...
600
00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:26,396
a little crazy.
601
00:22:26,420 --> 00:22:28,556
That's what you thought
when you came to see the play?
602
00:22:28,580 --> 00:22:30,686
You thought it's crazy
that someone would do this.
603
00:22:30,710 --> 00:22:32,520
Well, kinda.
604
00:22:33,130 --> 00:22:34,896
- No, Clive.
- Clive, Clive!
605
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,056
- Clive, Clive!
- Clive! Come on!
606
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:38,806
- Clive!
- Clive!
607
00:22:47,250 --> 00:22:48,976
Hi. How you doin', Lionel?
608
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:50,850
How you doin', there, Mr. Danson?
609
00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:53,766
Just need your signature real quick.
610
00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:55,806
- How's it going today?
- Good.
611
00:22:55,830 --> 00:22:58,060
You're friends with
Larry David, right?
612
00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:01,106
Yeah, I suppose.
613
00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:03,730
He's fucking a doll.
614
00:23:04,130 --> 00:23:05,396
What?
615
00:23:05,420 --> 00:23:08,520
I delivered a blow-up
fuck doll to his house.
616
00:23:09,540 --> 00:23:12,146
How could you possibly know that?
617
00:23:12,170 --> 00:23:15,436
The package said, "Do not puncture.
Discreet delivery."
618
00:23:15,460 --> 00:23:17,230
Mailmen know.
619
00:23:18,710 --> 00:23:19,930
Have a great day.
620
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,730
- Hi.
- Hey.
621
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,301
I'm still a little pissed
off, but I come as a friend.
622
00:23:36,325 --> 00:23:37,954
- Of course.
- Okay, thank you.
623
00:23:37,978 --> 00:23:40,476
I just have some information
I think you ought to know.
624
00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:43,686
Your ex-husband, he's fucking...
625
00:23:43,710 --> 00:23:46,646
a sex doll, just so you know.
626
00:23:46,670 --> 00:23:50,306
He's basically sticking
his penis in a balloon.
627
00:23:50,330 --> 00:23:52,100
Good to see you.
628
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,266
- Larry! How are you?
- How do you do?
629
00:24:03,290 --> 00:24:05,016
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
630
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,436
I do well. I do well.
631
00:24:07,460 --> 00:24:10,356
- Do you want to come in, or...
- No, I don't think that'll be necessary.
632
00:24:10,380 --> 00:24:13,056
I've been thinking about the stole.
633
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,241
Thank you. It reminds me of my mom.
It's beautiful.
634
00:24:15,265 --> 00:24:16,016
Yeah.
635
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,146
You know, you got so emotional.
I felt so terrible.
636
00:24:19,170 --> 00:24:20,766
I had to give it to you.
637
00:24:20,790 --> 00:24:22,646
- I appreciate it so much.
- Yeah.
638
00:24:22,670 --> 00:24:25,556
Of course, I have since
learned that...
639
00:24:25,580 --> 00:24:29,356
you're actually a professional crier.
You do this for a living.
640
00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:30,464
Yeah? So?
641
00:24:30,488 --> 00:24:33,766
And so what I can't
quite figure out is...
642
00:24:33,790 --> 00:24:37,306
did I give that stole to...
real Carol?
643
00:24:37,330 --> 00:24:41,976
Or did I give it to, you know,
644
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,806
the professional crier?
645
00:24:43,830 --> 00:24:47,106
'Cause that would be bad. 'Cause
then I would feel like I was duped.
646
00:24:47,130 --> 00:24:51,646
You know. Who knows what else
you've cried your way into.
647
00:24:51,670 --> 00:24:55,056
The couch, the coffee table,
the painting.
648
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,936
- Maybe the house.
- Okay. Those...
649
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:02,106
Those tears were
real, Larry. And I...
650
00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:04,856
I obviously cry in real life, too.
651
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,356
- I'm a real person.
- Yeah. Sure.
652
00:25:06,380 --> 00:25:08,726
You think that I'm...
653
00:25:08,750 --> 00:25:12,106
I made up a story
about my own mother...
654
00:25:12,130 --> 00:25:14,726
- You see, there.
- ...to get your stole?
655
00:25:14,750 --> 00:25:16,356
There, there, there it is.
656
00:25:16,380 --> 00:25:18,056
See?
657
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,976
- That's very difficult.
- I lost my mom!
658
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,606
No, you're very good at this.
659
00:25:21,630 --> 00:25:23,476
- If in fact you're making...
- I'm sorry.
660
00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:25,726
- Can't quite...
- Larry, please.
661
00:25:25,750 --> 00:25:27,306
- Larry, get out!
- Oh, oh!
662
00:25:35,670 --> 00:25:38,016
Larry! Larry!
663
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,476
- Hey, Freddy!
- I was just about to call you.
664
00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:42,016
- Really?
- You created a real problem
665
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:43,606
with Uncle Moke
with the Internet porn.
666
00:25:43,630 --> 00:25:45,646
Ah, you know, it's, it's better than,
667
00:25:45,670 --> 00:25:47,396
than paying money
for those magazines.
668
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,306
No, it's all day. It's a problem.
It's all he does.
669
00:25:49,330 --> 00:25:51,306
And he is paying.
He's doing the chat rooms now.
670
00:25:51,330 --> 00:25:54,436
I'm so sorry. I don't know. I was just
trying to save the guy some money.
671
00:25:54,460 --> 00:25:56,266
It's addiction.
You gotta do something.
672
00:25:56,290 --> 00:25:58,686
- Do something? What can I do?
- Whatever it is,
673
00:25:58,710 --> 00:26:00,556
you kind of started it off.
I think you should step in.
674
00:26:00,580 --> 00:26:01,450
All right, I'll think about it.
675
00:26:01,474 --> 00:26:02,766
No, don't think about.
Do whatever it is.
676
00:26:02,790 --> 00:26:04,606
I gotta think about it. I don't
know what to do. I gotta, you know,
677
00:26:04,630 --> 00:26:06,146
- I gotta think about it.
- Okay, that's good.
678
00:26:06,170 --> 00:26:07,476
Hey, did you hit the doll up yet?
679
00:26:07,500 --> 00:26:10,270
- N-No.
- Take a shot at the doll.
680
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,106
And...
681
00:26:15,130 --> 00:26:18,140
voilà, the pee cube.
682
00:26:18,460 --> 00:26:20,266
- I like it.
- You sure do.
683
00:26:20,290 --> 00:26:21,976
- Yeah.
- Take her for a spin.
684
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,266
- Sure.
- Get on in there, huh?
685
00:26:24,290 --> 00:26:26,436
- There you go. Look at that.
- Mm-hmm.
686
00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:28,306
- How does that feel?
- Feels pretty good.
687
00:26:28,330 --> 00:26:30,226
Shit. Got the prototype done, huh?
688
00:26:30,250 --> 00:26:31,856
- Yeah, you wanna give it a try?
- Nah, fuck that, man.
689
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:33,476
That shit ain't deep enough.
690
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:34,976
- What do you mean?
- What are you talking about?
691
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,476
Any motherfucker that
come up to that shit,
692
00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:38,766
with a little-ass penis,
of course it works for them.
693
00:26:38,790 --> 00:26:39,965
But you got a big-ass johnson, you
694
00:26:39,989 --> 00:26:41,436
gotta stand a little further
back, see,
695
00:26:41,460 --> 00:26:43,186
so your johnson don't overshoot
696
00:26:43,210 --> 00:26:45,356
and hit the back of that motherfucker.
I'm not bragging and shit,
697
00:26:45,380 --> 00:26:48,146
but I had a lady give me a wedgie
with my own goddamn johnson.
698
00:26:48,170 --> 00:26:50,556
Okay. Are we done here?
Uh, can you get...
699
00:26:50,580 --> 00:26:51,851
Can you get to work on
this thing right away?
700
00:26:51,875 --> 00:26:52,606
Yeah, of course. Yeah.
701
00:26:52,630 --> 00:26:55,146
- Yeah. I'll get right on it.
- Hey. Let's talk timeline.
702
00:26:55,170 --> 00:26:56,083
Oh, okay. Yeah.
703
00:26:56,084 --> 00:26:57,714
Prototype is pretty fuckin'
good, though, man.
704
00:26:57,715 --> 00:27:00,306
- Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
- You do goddamn good work.
705
00:27:00,330 --> 00:27:01,640
Hmm.
706
00:27:02,170 --> 00:27:03,726
- Hey.
- Hey.
707
00:27:03,750 --> 00:27:04,976
- Hey.
- What are you doing?
708
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,106
What are you doing?
709
00:27:06,130 --> 00:27:07,436
What brings you to Latte Larry's?
710
00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:10,476
Uh, Clive Owen. He's a mess.
711
00:27:10,500 --> 00:27:11,976
Ever since you left him that message
712
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,356
and the other day at the house...
713
00:27:13,380 --> 00:27:15,516
- What, at lunch?
- ...he's lost all confidence.
714
00:27:15,540 --> 00:27:18,056
His shows are not as good.
It's affecting his performances.
715
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:18,894
Really?
716
00:27:18,918 --> 00:27:21,396
Yeah. People used to weep.
Nobody's weeping.
717
00:27:21,420 --> 00:27:23,306
And we open in two days,
718
00:27:23,330 --> 00:27:26,140
and I'm scared that the
critics are gonna kill him.
719
00:27:26,790 --> 00:27:28,056
Oh, boy.
720
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:30,770
I gotta do something,
and I don't know what.
721
00:27:31,710 --> 00:27:33,186
Oh.
722
00:27:33,210 --> 00:27:35,226
- Lewis's girlfriend.
- Yeah?
723
00:27:35,250 --> 00:27:36,516
- Carol.
- Yeah?
724
00:27:36,540 --> 00:27:38,226
She's a professional crier.
725
00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:39,856
- Yeah?
- Hire her for opening night.
726
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,056
Let her sit in the audience,
she'll sob away.
727
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:43,556
- Really?
- Once she starts sobbing,
728
00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:45,516
everyone else will start sobbing.
Sobs are contagious.
729
00:27:45,540 --> 00:27:48,186
- You can never have enough criers. No.
- Abs... I know. You can't.
730
00:27:48,210 --> 00:27:50,140
What the hell is that?
731
00:27:51,210 --> 00:27:53,516
That, my stout friend,
732
00:27:53,540 --> 00:27:56,476
is a urinal revolution.
733
00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:58,646
She's a good
ship, the Kon Tiki.
734
00:27:58,670 --> 00:28:00,806
I named her Kon Tiki
735
00:28:00,830 --> 00:28:03,646
in memory of the Peruvian sun god.
736
00:28:03,670 --> 00:28:05,056
And here I am,
737
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,856
following in Tiki's footsteps.
738
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:11,396
My only companion was a parrot
739
00:28:11,420 --> 00:28:14,396
that had snuck aboard.
740
00:28:16,170 --> 00:28:19,146
- He's not doing good.
- ...used to be a tough school.
741
00:28:19,170 --> 00:28:21,856
Those first few weeks...
742
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:23,976
...in the Humboldt Current.
743
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,766
- Which one is she?
- Before this journey,
744
00:28:25,790 --> 00:28:27,556
- my life was...
- Oh, there she is.
745
00:28:27,580 --> 00:28:29,476
She's got my mother's stole on.
746
00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:31,266
She's wearing the stole.
747
00:28:31,290 --> 00:28:33,556
I have the
purpose, but not the wind.
748
00:28:35,580 --> 00:28:39,516
Now there is no day, no
night, just the relentless...
749
00:28:39,540 --> 00:28:42,606
Ah. There. She's gonna start.
750
00:28:42,630 --> 00:28:45,890
I am completely alone.
751
00:28:46,630 --> 00:28:49,766
Even my parrot Lorita has perished.
752
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:00,520
Perished.
753
00:29:04,500 --> 00:29:06,106
Lorita.
754
00:29:06,130 --> 00:29:07,560
Perished!
755
00:29:10,420 --> 00:29:13,016
Look out.
It's really catching on now.
756
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:16,856
I give my last will
and testament to the waves
757
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,976
who refuse to weep with me.
758
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:23,056
My final epitaph written
in the froth and the foam.
759
00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:26,356
Pity the man, who thought
760
00:29:26,380 --> 00:29:28,770
he could go back in time.
761
00:29:31,790 --> 00:29:33,306
Goodbye, Kon Tiki.
762
00:29:33,330 --> 00:29:35,140
No!
763
00:29:43,290 --> 00:29:45,976
From a distance, could it be?
764
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:47,976
It's land!
765
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,930
Oh! Praise be, Tiki!
766
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:56,516
Praise be!
767
00:30:00,380 --> 00:30:01,856
Yeah! Yeah!
768
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,930
Bravo! Wow!
769
00:30:10,500 --> 00:30:13,356
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Yeah.
770
00:30:13,380 --> 00:30:16,020
Thank you. Worked like a charm.
She did great.
771
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,436
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
772
00:30:23,460 --> 00:30:26,516
Hey, Carol. Carol.
773
00:30:26,540 --> 00:30:28,016
Oh, Larry, hi!
774
00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:29,226
- Hi.
- How are you?
775
00:30:29,250 --> 00:30:30,686
Good. So, um...
776
00:30:30,710 --> 00:30:32,856
I just wanted to
congratulate you on that...
777
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:34,396
magnificent performance.
778
00:30:34,420 --> 00:30:36,516
Oh. It was a very emotional play.
779
00:30:36,540 --> 00:30:38,396
Yeah, it was really special.
780
00:30:38,420 --> 00:30:40,686
I really got to see you
do your thing.
781
00:30:40,710 --> 00:30:43,226
- Mm-hmm.
- And the more I watched you,
782
00:30:43,250 --> 00:30:45,226
the more I'm convinced
783
00:30:45,250 --> 00:30:48,766
that what you did at the table
at lunch that day
784
00:30:48,790 --> 00:30:50,726
was total bullshit.
785
00:30:50,750 --> 00:30:51,584
Wow.
786
00:30:51,608 --> 00:30:54,146
Your mother didn't fall
into the subway tracks.
787
00:30:54,170 --> 00:30:56,606
That's a cock-and-bull story
if I ever heard one.
788
00:30:56,630 --> 00:30:58,266
- Give me the stole back.
- You're just being rude.
789
00:30:58,290 --> 00:31:00,556
- Carol, give me the stole.
- Get... Larry!
790
00:31:00,580 --> 00:31:02,766
Hey.
791
00:31:02,790 --> 00:31:05,056
- Hey, hey, hey. What's the problem?
- Larry, this is...
792
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:06,766
What's going on?
793
00:31:06,790 --> 00:31:08,766
Okay. She's a professional crier,
794
00:31:08,790 --> 00:31:12,306
and she conned her way
into getting that stole off me.
795
00:31:12,330 --> 00:31:15,436
- It's my mother's stole.
- Excuse me. Officer, he is mocking me.
796
00:31:15,460 --> 00:31:18,396
He gave me this stole.
My mother passed away.
797
00:31:18,420 --> 00:31:21,016
And this stole reminds me of her.
798
00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:22,646
- And this is all I've got.
- Okay. You see?
799
00:31:22,670 --> 00:31:24,436
- This is the same story.
- This is the only thing I've got
800
00:31:24,460 --> 00:31:26,516
- to remember her by.
- She told me the same story about,
801
00:31:26,540 --> 00:31:28,396
about being in a subway.
802
00:31:28,420 --> 00:31:29,936
But she took that stole from me.
803
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:31,476
That's my mother's stole.
804
00:31:31,500 --> 00:31:32,936
She... I inherited that stole.
805
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,936
- She gave it to me.
- You can't take it back!
806
00:31:37,830 --> 00:31:40,306
Stop. Stop it. Hey. Hey, guy.
807
00:31:40,330 --> 00:31:42,436
- Hey, what are you doing?
- I want my stole!
808
00:31:42,460 --> 00:31:44,146
- I want... Aah!
- Hey, hey.
809
00:31:44,170 --> 00:31:45,686
Hey, what are you doing?
810
00:31:45,710 --> 00:31:48,186
- Crying?
- No, that's crying. That's not crying.
811
00:31:48,210 --> 00:31:50,186
- No, she's not!
- I'm crying!
812
00:31:50,210 --> 00:31:51,976
I'm crying, Larry!
813
00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,266
- I paid her to cry like this!
- All right, let's walk it off.
814
00:31:54,290 --> 00:31:55,992
Walk it off?
She's a, she's a bullshit artist!
815
00:31:56,016 --> 00:31:57,106
Let's take a walk. I know.
816
00:31:57,130 --> 00:31:59,059
I know. Come on.
Let's walk it off.
817
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:00,172
Thank you, Officer.
818
00:32:05,540 --> 00:32:07,430
Excuse me.
819
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,516
- Oh. Hi.
- Hi.
820
00:32:10,540 --> 00:32:13,356
I, uh... I couldn't help
noticing you out there.
821
00:32:13,380 --> 00:32:15,976
You seemed very moved.
It was very inspiring.
822
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,856
Oh, I mean, you inspired me.
Your performance was incredible.
823
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,516
Honestly, you were... It was amazing.
824
00:32:21,540 --> 00:32:24,186
- Wh-what's your name?
- I'm Carol.
825
00:32:24,210 --> 00:32:25,936
I'm Clive.
826
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:27,770
I know.
827
00:32:29,670 --> 00:32:30,936
Leon!
828
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,560
Leon, where's my jacket?
829
00:32:34,540 --> 00:32:36,140
Leon!
830
00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:42,266
Leon!
831
00:32:42,290 --> 00:32:44,146
Leon! What the hell's going on?
832
00:32:44,170 --> 00:32:45,766
You said you were
going to deflate it.
833
00:32:45,790 --> 00:32:48,516
You know what?
I didn't get around to it. I'll...
834
00:32:48,540 --> 00:32:50,436
- Slipped my mind.
- Slipped your mind.
835
00:32:50,460 --> 00:32:52,266
- It was there, then the shit was gone.
- You know what I think?
836
00:32:52,290 --> 00:32:54,556
I think you gave it a name.
You're keeping it around the house.
837
00:32:54,580 --> 00:32:57,016
You can't get rid of this thing.
You're fuckin' her, aren't you?
838
00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:58,686
I'm not gonna sit here and let
you do this shit to me right now.
839
00:32:58,710 --> 00:32:59,976
- Oh, you're not?
- No, I'm not.
840
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:01,436
Okay. Well, you know what?
841
00:33:01,460 --> 00:33:03,226
Say goodbye to her,
'cause I'm deflating her right now.
842
00:33:03,250 --> 00:33:04,856
- Fuck you, Larry.
- Fuck you, Leon.
843
00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:06,106
Fuck you, Larry.
844
00:33:06,130 --> 00:33:07,680
Be good, Sherry.
845
00:33:26,250 --> 00:33:27,980
Mr. Larry!
846
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,896
I found your jack...
847
00:33:34,500 --> 00:33:35,726
Asco!
848
00:33:35,750 --> 00:33:37,356
- No. No. Basta!
- Oh!
849
00:33:37,380 --> 00:33:39,356
- Eres un pervertido.
- No, no, no!
850
00:33:39,380 --> 00:33:41,646
I quit! You're worse than Miss Susie!
851
00:33:41,670 --> 00:33:43,556
No, I'm just deflating her!
852
00:33:43,580 --> 00:33:45,646
No! Wait! No!
853
00:33:45,670 --> 00:33:47,230
Aah!
854
00:33:49,420 --> 00:33:51,556
Oh, my God!
855
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:54,730
Larry.
856
00:33:55,540 --> 00:33:56,896
Oh, God.
857
00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:59,556
God.
858
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,896
Ha-ha.
- So, here's to the play.
859
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:07,356
- Yes!
- Kon Tiki.
860
00:34:07,380 --> 00:34:09,556
- Cheers. Cheers.
- Fantastic.
861
00:34:09,580 --> 00:34:11,106
- Kon Tiki.
- Cheers.
862
00:34:11,130 --> 00:34:12,726
God, that was just...
863
00:34:12,750 --> 00:34:14,266
Hey, do me a favor.
864
00:34:14,290 --> 00:34:15,896
Just the one line from the review.
865
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,226
- Oh, no.
- Read it! Yes!
866
00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:20,186
- Come on, man.
- You should be proud!
867
00:34:21,058 --> 00:34:23,556
Want to hear it in
your beautiful, dulcet tones.
868
00:34:23,580 --> 00:34:24,896
Okay, here we go. It says,
869
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:27,976
"Clive Owen's portrayal
of Thor Heyerdahl
870
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,106
"is as nuanced, varied, and moving
871
00:34:31,130 --> 00:34:33,056
as the ocean he traversed."
872
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:34,606
- Oh.
- Fuck, yes!
873
00:34:34,630 --> 00:34:36,106
- Fuck yes!
- So good!
874
00:34:36,130 --> 00:34:37,606
Thank you, honestly.
875
00:34:37,630 --> 00:34:39,766
Thank you for making it all happen.
876
00:34:39,790 --> 00:34:41,976
- I've had the best time, honestly.
- I've had the best time.
877
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,056
Best reviews I've ever had.
878
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:45,146
And also, you know,
879
00:34:45,170 --> 00:34:47,606
it's introduced me to the most
880
00:34:47,630 --> 00:34:49,936
- beautiful, amazing woman.
- Oh.
881
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:51,726
Thank you, Clive.
882
00:34:51,750 --> 00:34:53,976
Have some more.
883
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,686
Mm. Oh, sweetie, actually, no.
I have to go to work.
884
00:34:56,710 --> 00:34:58,646
- Oh, you're leaving so soon?
- Oh, my God.
885
00:34:58,670 --> 00:35:00,306
I've been so consumed,
886
00:35:00,330 --> 00:35:01,686
I haven't even asked you what you do.
887
00:35:01,710 --> 00:35:04,016
I'm a professional crier.
888
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:05,896
Bye, baby. Bye, guys.
889
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:08,560
- Thank you for everything.
- Bye, Carol.
890
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:17,520
Carol.
891
00:35:18,330 --> 00:35:19,252
Hey, baby.
892
00:35:19,253 --> 00:35:20,806
A professional crier.
What the fuck is that?
893
00:35:20,830 --> 00:35:23,686
I get paid to go to, you
know, TV shows, commercials.
894
00:35:23,710 --> 00:35:24,514
Funerals sometimes.
895
00:35:24,538 --> 00:35:26,396
You get paid to go
to funerals and cry?
896
00:35:26,420 --> 00:35:28,169
Yeah, it's my job.
It's what I do. Sometimes...
897
00:35:28,193 --> 00:35:29,251
The play.
898
00:35:29,252 --> 00:35:30,396
When you were crying in the play, was
899
00:35:30,420 --> 00:35:31,686
that, was that a job
or was that real?
900
00:35:31,710 --> 00:35:34,226
No. No, it was real.
I mean, it was 10% more,
901
00:35:34,250 --> 00:35:35,442
because that's what I'm paid,
but I would have cried...
902
00:35:35,466 --> 00:35:36,505
Did somebody pay you?
903
00:35:36,506 --> 00:35:37,646
- It was...
- Did Jeff pay you?
904
00:35:37,670 --> 00:35:40,646
- No. Honestly, I'm not gonna have...
- So all of this is fake.
905
00:35:40,670 --> 00:35:42,056
None of this has been real.
906
00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:43,686
No, no, it isn't fake,
actually, Clive.
907
00:35:43,710 --> 00:35:45,516
- Isn't it?
- Yes, okay, it is fake!
908
00:35:45,540 --> 00:35:47,556
Is that what you want to hear?
It's fake!
909
00:35:47,580 --> 00:35:50,310
You... Don't go!
910
00:35:50,420 --> 00:35:51,936
Get... Leave my...
911
00:35:58,790 --> 00:36:01,106
Carol, no! Carol!
912
00:36:11,290 --> 00:36:13,020
Enjoy.
913
00:36:14,170 --> 00:36:16,310
Stay off the Internet.
914
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:39,856
Leon! Leon! Where are you?!
915
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:42,226
- I'm back here!
- Look what I got!
916
00:37:42,250 --> 00:37:43,186
Ooh!
917
00:37:43,210 --> 00:37:44,396
We're gonna have some fun!
918
00:37:47,540 --> 00:37:50,516
I'm having a surprise party
for Jeff for his birthday.
919
00:37:50,540 --> 00:37:52,516
- People hate surprise parties.
- No, no, no, no.
920
00:37:52,540 --> 00:37:53,896
- That's fun? That's fun?
- Yes.
921
00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:55,306
Nobody's doing...
922
00:37:56,380 --> 00:37:57,396
Why did you pass me?
923
00:37:57,420 --> 00:37:58,766
Did you hear footsteps behind you?
924
00:37:58,790 --> 00:38:01,306
I heard footsteps and then,
whoosh! Right past me.
925
00:38:01,330 --> 00:38:03,146
You should've moved over
to the right to let me pass.
926
00:38:03,170 --> 00:38:04,306
You should've given me one of these.
927
00:38:04,330 --> 00:38:07,856
- He's here!
- Surprise!
928
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:10,060
sync and corrections by awaqeded
www.addic7ed.com.