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ADULT SHELDON: The
average American consumes
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55 pounds of beef per year.
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And then there's Texas,
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where we can knock that
off in a couple of months.
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Maybe faster, if we're talking
about smoked brisket...
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♪ ♪
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Curiously, the one cut of beef
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that Texans and Jews agree upon.
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[MOUTH FULL]: This is
really good, Meemaw.
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Really good?
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You're spitting the
best brisket in Texas
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all over the damn table.
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Close your mouth when you eat.
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Or aim your face the other way.
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Connie, one of these days,
you got to give me the recipe.
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You bet. For sure.
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- One of these days.
- Oh, come on.
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You can't hold on to it forever.
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Mean that much to you?
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Mary and I were dating about a month
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when she brought me home for dinner.
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I took one bite of this brisket,
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and I knew I loved your daughter.
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Gee, thanks.
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Kind of like Sleeping Beauty,
except Dad kissed meat.
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[CHUCKLES]
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I tell you what.
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You go get a...
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piece of paper and a pencil,
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I'll write it down for you.
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Okay. It's happening...
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That's the fastest I've seen him run.
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It's the only time I've seen him run.
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There you go.
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Okay.
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I might make it this weekend.
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Or you could try a vegetable.
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Vegetable? That's funny.
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Okay.
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Now, this is for your eyes only.
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You're not to share it with anybody.
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I never... I would never.
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_
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You're a horrible person.
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- [CHUCKLES]
- What'd it say?
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I want to know what it said.
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- Me, too.
- Just eat.
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Can I read it?
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You are a horrible person.
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Ain't I? [LAUGHS]
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All right, that's
enough about the brisket.
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You kids excited for the
church picnic tomorrow?
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- Not really.
- I don't know.
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Oh, come on.
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You all saw the flier.
The three "F"s:
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food, fun and fellowship.
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MEEMAW: And I'm bringing
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a big slab of my brisket.
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That's it.
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15 years in this family, and
all the time I've been nothing
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but a good, supportive son-in-law.
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I always treated your daughter right,
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I gave you three
beautiful grandchildren.
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Only thing I ever asked in
return was that damn recipe.
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You're right.
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Get another piece of
paper. I'll write it down.
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Don't mess with me, Connie.
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Get the paper before I change my mind.
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You're gonna do it to
him again, aren't you?
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I kind of have to.
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♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪
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♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
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♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
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♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
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- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --
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[TOILET FLUSHES]
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MARY: George, she was
just fooling with you.
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GEORGE: No, no, she's mean.
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She got a black heart.
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MARY: She does not.
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GEORGE: Why do you always side with her?
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MARY: Well, she is my mother.
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GEORGE: And there it is.
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There's the problem.
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You should be siding with me.
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- MARY: Over brisket?
- GEORGE: It's not just brisket.
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It's the way she's been
treating me since day one.
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Like I'm some kind of
loser, a booby prize.
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- "Booby prize."
- MARY: What was that?
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Georgie, you mind your own business.
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What did I do?
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What's going on?
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Mom and Dad are fighting.
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What about?
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Brisket.
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If they get a divorce, who do you think
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you'll pick to live with?
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Well, Mom, of course.
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I want Mom. Pick again.
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[SIGHS]
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♪ ♪
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I thought Dad was coming.
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No, he had work to do.
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- What kind of work?
- I don't know. Coaching stuff.
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Can't he do it after the picnic?
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- No, Missy, he cannot.
- Why not?
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Enough.
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How come Georgie's not going?
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He's grounded for eavesdropping
on me and your father.
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Well, I hope he learned his lesson.
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Is this about the recipe?
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I bet he's mad 'cause you
always side with Meemaw.
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And how would you know that?
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Georgie told me.
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Are you and Dad getting a divorce?
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'Course not.
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Well, if you do, I
want to live with you.
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Sheldon, no one's getting a divorce.
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But thank you, honey.
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You know this all goes away
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if you just give him your
recipe for the brisket.
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I know.
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And?
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I guess it's not going away.
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[FOOTBALL ANNOUNCER SPEAKING OVER TV]
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I wasn't eavesdropping.
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Don't worry about it.
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I just don't see why I got grounded.
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What are you complaining about?
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You didn't want to go
to church picnic anyway.
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I like complaining. I'm good at it.
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I'll be right back.
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Mind if I have a sip of your beer?
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You mind if I dip your
head in the compost heap?
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You could have just said no.
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♪ ♪
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- What are you doing?
- [GASPS]
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Nothing! Get out of here.
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You're looking for her brisket recipe.
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All of a sudden you got smart?
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I said get out of here.
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I won't tell, I swear.
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All right, help me look.
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- Ooh.
- Found it?
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No, this is her French toast.
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Not looking for French toast.
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She does make it good, though.
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Did you know she puts vanilla extract
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in her whipped cream?
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I did not.
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Quarter teaspoon.
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- Georgie?
- Yeah?
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We're looking for brisket!
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Cranky.
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- [DOOR OPENS]
- MARY: We're home.
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Be cool.
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I'm cool. You be cool.
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[LEATHER SQUEAKING]
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[CHAIR CLATTERS]
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Real cool.
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He thought I wrote it down.
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What a dope.
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MAN: Seltzer... [CONTINUES SPEAKING OVER TV]
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- hair tonic.
- Hair tonic.
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[MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING OVER TV]
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Need help putting the kids down?
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No, thank you, I've been
taking care of them all day.
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I think I can finish the job.
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Oh, come on, don't do that.
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Don't do what?
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Never mind.
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Just so you know, Sheldon and Missy won
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the three-legged race
because she told him
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a bee was chasing
them, and you missed it.
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I'm sorry, I-I just needed
a break from your mother.
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Yeah, well, you took a
break from your family.
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How long is this feud
between you two gonna go on?
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That's up to her.
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You are both such...
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stubborn... donkey butts!
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- [MISSY LAUGHING]
- Missy!
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Go to bed.
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MISSY: You don't know it's me.
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[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES]
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[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
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Hey.
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What do you want?
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Don't be that way.
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I brought you a cold one.
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Thanks.
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I still don't like you.
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[CHUCKLING]
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Would this change your feelings?
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Is that it?
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The Holy Grail.
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What changed your mind?
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00:09:11,876 --> 00:09:13,923
You not going to the picnic today,
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that hurt Mary and the twins.
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00:09:15,913 --> 00:09:17,580
I cannot have that on my heart.
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- Is that so?
- Absolutely.
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00:09:21,078 --> 00:09:22,677
Look me in the eye and tell me
202
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this is the actual recipe.
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00:09:25,823 --> 00:09:28,818
George, what you have in your hand
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is the exact step-by-step instructions
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00:09:31,829 --> 00:09:34,964
on how to make my brisket.
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00:09:34,966 --> 00:09:39,502
I have never written it
down until tonight because...
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00:09:39,504 --> 00:09:42,571
I was afraid someone might steal it.
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00:09:42,573 --> 00:09:45,728
But I'm entrusting this to you,
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00:09:45,731 --> 00:09:49,662
and I hope that someday,
when the time is right,
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you will see fit to share
it with one of your children.
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00:09:53,246 --> 00:09:54,746
Connie, I don't know what to say.
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00:09:54,749 --> 00:09:56,349
Don't call me Connie.
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00:09:56,352 --> 00:09:59,419
Call me Mom. [CHUCKLES]
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Thanks, Mom.
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00:10:01,292 --> 00:10:03,192
You're welcome, son.
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00:10:03,195 --> 00:10:05,996
Mmm.
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00:10:05,999 --> 00:10:08,097
♪ ♪
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00:10:08,099 --> 00:10:09,598
[QUIETLY]: What a dope.
219
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,133
♪ What I want, you've got ♪
220
00:10:11,135 --> 00:10:13,402
♪ And it might be hard to handle ♪
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00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:16,405
♪ But like the flame
that burns the candle... ♪
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00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:18,904
ADULT SHELDON: The next
morning, my dad embarked
223
00:10:18,907 --> 00:10:22,378
on a doomed quest to
make the perfect brisket.
224
00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:24,380
Can I help you?
225
00:10:24,382 --> 00:10:26,081
Matter of fact, you can.
226
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:27,525
♪ You pull them all together... ♪
227
00:10:27,528 --> 00:10:30,953
I need 12 pounds of prime
Angus with a medium deckle,
228
00:10:30,955 --> 00:10:34,767
ideally slaughtered in the
spring, no later than mid-June.
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00:10:35,893 --> 00:10:39,154
♪ You make my dreams come true... ♪
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00:10:39,157 --> 00:10:41,163
ADULT SHELDON: For the spice rub,
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00:10:41,165 --> 00:10:43,132
Meemaw had him drive to New Orleans
232
00:10:43,134 --> 00:10:46,147
to buy ground coffee from Café Du Monde,
233
00:10:46,150 --> 00:10:50,256
and seven ounces of something
called "holy ghost root"
234
00:10:50,259 --> 00:10:53,042
from a voodoo woman named Madam Laveau.
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00:10:53,044 --> 00:10:54,376
♪ Yeah... ♪
236
00:10:54,379 --> 00:10:55,845
Could you grind my root for me?
237
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:01,850
I-I'm-a... I'm-a rub it on brisket.
238
00:11:08,426 --> 00:11:11,527
ADULT SHELDON: Then back
home, he applied the spice rub
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00:11:11,529 --> 00:11:13,996
with such erotic tenderness,
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00:11:13,998 --> 00:11:16,832
it made my mother a little jealous.
241
00:11:18,269 --> 00:11:19,902
♪ Well, you... ♪
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00:11:19,904 --> 00:11:22,514
Finally, the cooking began.
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00:11:22,517 --> 00:11:25,374
♪ You make my dreams come true... ♪
244
00:11:26,944 --> 00:11:29,578
♪ Oh, yeah, I've been waiting for... ♪
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00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:32,748
14 hours of cooking.
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00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:34,087
And basting.
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00:11:34,090 --> 00:11:35,684
♪ You make my dreams come true... ♪
248
00:11:35,686 --> 00:11:37,786
And spritzing.
249
00:11:37,788 --> 00:11:39,021
♪ Me, you, me, you, me... ♪
250
00:11:39,023 --> 00:11:41,282
And tending to the fire.
251
00:11:43,761 --> 00:11:47,396
♪ Oh, my, you make my
dreams come true... ♪
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00:11:47,398 --> 00:11:52,468
Until it was finally time
to let the meat rest.
253
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:54,603
♪ Waiting for, waiting for, waiting for ♪
254
00:11:54,739 --> 00:11:56,672
♪ Waiting for, waiting for, waiting for ♪
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00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,341
Oh...
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Rest, my darling.
257
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,346
Rest.
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00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:08,350
Mmm. This Café Du Monde
coffee is very good.
259
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:10,272
They make it with chicory.
260
00:12:10,275 --> 00:12:12,755
And what does it do to the brisket?
261
00:12:12,757 --> 00:12:14,436
Oh, I have no idea.
262
00:12:14,439 --> 00:12:18,767
Then why did you send George
all the way to New Orleans?
263
00:12:18,770 --> 00:12:21,530
Well, they don't sell this around here.
264
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:22,698
Mmm.
265
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,200
Here we go.
266
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:28,298
15 years and 14 hours later.
267
00:12:28,301 --> 00:12:30,767
Best brisket in Texas.
268
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:38,759
GEORGE SR.: Connie, you evil bitch!
269
00:12:38,762 --> 00:12:41,129
It's smoother than regular coffee.
270
00:12:41,132 --> 00:12:43,818
That wasn't the recipe.
271
00:12:43,821 --> 00:12:46,154
You looked me in the
eye, and you lied to me.
272
00:12:46,157 --> 00:12:47,289
Oh, Mom.
273
00:12:47,291 --> 00:12:49,725
You broke into my home
and tried to steal it.
274
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:50,759
Oh, George.
275
00:12:50,761 --> 00:12:52,061
You told her we went over there?
276
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:53,896
[GASPS] Oh, George Jr.
277
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,864
I didn't say nothing. I was cool.
278
00:12:55,866 --> 00:12:57,579
I am loving this.
279
00:12:57,582 --> 00:12:59,556
I don't want this woman
in my house anymore.
280
00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:01,537
- She is my mother.
- She is the devil.
281
00:13:01,539 --> 00:13:03,539
And what if the kids want to see her?
282
00:13:03,541 --> 00:13:05,474
Fine.
283
00:13:05,476 --> 00:13:07,409
Schedule it for when I'm not here.
284
00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:09,142
Or when I'm dead.
285
00:13:16,821 --> 00:13:18,756
And quit drinking my coffee.
286
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,966
Turn off your train, we've got to talk.
287
00:13:30,968 --> 00:13:32,000
[TRAIN STOPS]
288
00:13:32,002 --> 00:13:33,035
About what?
289
00:13:33,037 --> 00:13:34,670
Mom is so upset about Dad and Meemaw,
290
00:13:34,672 --> 00:13:36,171
she might want a divorce.
291
00:13:36,173 --> 00:13:37,868
No one's getting divorced.
292
00:13:37,871 --> 00:13:39,074
How do you know?
293
00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:40,542
[WHISTLES]
294
00:13:40,544 --> 00:13:42,177
Great, now I have to throw that out.
295
00:13:42,179 --> 00:13:46,318
Mother-in-laws are always held
in low regard by the father.
296
00:13:46,321 --> 00:13:48,751
It rarely leads to a
breakup of the family.
297
00:13:48,753 --> 00:13:49,986
MISSY: He's right.
298
00:13:49,989 --> 00:13:52,554
Fred and Wilma are
still happily married.
299
00:13:52,556 --> 00:13:54,456
I think if we can figure out
300
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:56,558
a way for Dad to get
Meemaw's brisket recipe,
301
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:57,893
this all goes away.
302
00:13:57,895 --> 00:14:00,136
I don't see how we can accomplish that.
303
00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:01,529
[TRAIN CLATTERS]
304
00:14:01,532 --> 00:14:02,943
Put that down.
305
00:14:02,946 --> 00:14:04,099
That's not a toy.
306
00:14:04,101 --> 00:14:05,334
Sure it is.
307
00:14:05,336 --> 00:14:06,702
Choo choo.
308
00:14:06,704 --> 00:14:09,238
MEEMAW: Choo choo...
309
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,807
Choo choo.
310
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:14,343
Open wide, Moonpie.
311
00:14:14,345 --> 00:14:16,812
Here comes the choo choo train.
312
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,850
Choo choo.
313
00:14:18,853 --> 00:14:20,883
Mmm. Ain't that good?
314
00:14:20,885 --> 00:14:22,050
[CHUCKLES]
315
00:14:22,052 --> 00:14:25,554
That's Meemaw's famous brisket.
316
00:14:25,556 --> 00:14:27,756
Would you like the secret recipe?
317
00:14:27,758 --> 00:14:28,962
[GASPS]
318
00:14:28,965 --> 00:14:31,760
You promise not to tell anybody?
319
00:14:31,762 --> 00:14:34,530
Of course you're not gonna tell anybody.
320
00:14:34,532 --> 00:14:38,100
I start with a tablespoon of cumin,
321
00:14:38,102 --> 00:14:41,503
and then a cup of brown sugar, and...
322
00:14:41,505 --> 00:14:43,005
I know the recipe.
323
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,196
What?
324
00:14:44,199 --> 00:14:45,275
She told it to me.
325
00:14:45,278 --> 00:14:46,277
When?
326
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,740
February 14, 1982.
327
00:14:48,743 --> 00:14:50,913
I was 23 months old,
it was Valentine's Day,
328
00:14:50,915 --> 00:14:52,787
and Mom and Dad went out for dinner.
329
00:14:52,790 --> 00:14:55,117
You were there. Don't you remember?
330
00:14:55,119 --> 00:14:56,626
[SIGHS]
331
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:59,751
[WIND WHISTLING SOFTLY]
332
00:14:59,754 --> 00:15:01,287
I got nothing.
333
00:15:01,290 --> 00:15:03,740
You can really remember
when you were that little?
334
00:15:03,743 --> 00:15:05,321
Uh-huh. You were there, too.
335
00:15:05,324 --> 00:15:07,362
You were still struggling
with potty training.
336
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:09,040
[CHUCKLING]: I don't think so.
337
00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:12,321
Oh, yes. Meemaw used to
call you Mr. Soggy Pants.
338
00:15:12,324 --> 00:15:13,368
Nuh-uh.
339
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:14,845
[LAUGHS]: Mr. Soggy Pants.
340
00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:16,581
Quit it. This is serious.
341
00:15:16,584 --> 00:15:18,806
Sheldon, you've got to
tell Dad that recipe.
342
00:15:18,809 --> 00:15:21,407
But Meemaw told me it was a secret.
343
00:15:21,410 --> 00:15:24,512
If you don't, and Mom and Dad
get a divorce, it's your fault.
344
00:15:24,515 --> 00:15:26,902
All right.
345
00:15:26,905 --> 00:15:28,271
Fine.
346
00:15:29,420 --> 00:15:31,620
Good job, Soggy Pants.
347
00:15:31,622 --> 00:15:33,589
[REFEREE WHISTLE BLOWING OVER TV]
348
00:15:33,591 --> 00:15:36,626
Dad, could you please
come into the living room?
349
00:15:36,629 --> 00:15:38,128
What for?
350
00:15:38,131 --> 00:15:39,461
My brain did something impressive
351
00:15:39,463 --> 00:15:41,439
and I'd like to share it with you.
352
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,399
Hmm.
353
00:15:45,269 --> 00:15:47,402
[GEORGE SR. GRUNTS]
354
00:15:50,025 --> 00:15:51,373
What are you doing here?
355
00:15:51,375 --> 00:15:52,975
Same as you.
356
00:15:52,977 --> 00:15:55,043
I want to see what his brain did.
357
00:15:55,045 --> 00:15:57,613
Please have a seat.
358
00:15:57,615 --> 00:15:59,407
All right.
359
00:16:01,051 --> 00:16:02,415
[GRUNTS]
360
00:16:02,418 --> 00:16:03,850
GEORGE SR.: Well?
361
00:16:03,853 --> 00:16:06,287
I know Meemaw's brisket recipe.
362
00:16:06,290 --> 00:16:07,290
What?
363
00:16:07,293 --> 00:16:08,325
No, you don't.
364
00:16:08,328 --> 00:16:09,758
Yes, I do.
365
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,094
And in order to bring
peace to this family,
366
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:13,782
I'm prepared to make it public.
367
00:16:13,785 --> 00:16:14,897
You're bluffing.
368
00:16:14,899 --> 00:16:16,298
One tablespoon of cumin,
369
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:17,666
one cup of brown sugar,
370
00:16:17,668 --> 00:16:19,509
two tablespoons of smoked paprika...
371
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:20,678
Okay, okay, stop.
372
00:16:20,681 --> 00:16:21,680
No, no, no. Keep going.
373
00:16:21,683 --> 00:16:23,638
How do you know the recipe, Shelly?
374
00:16:23,641 --> 00:16:26,748
Meemaw told it to me on
Valentine's Day, 1982.
375
00:16:26,751 --> 00:16:28,610
You were out with Dad
seeing Cannonball Run
376
00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:30,045
at the dollar theater.
377
00:16:30,047 --> 00:16:32,548
That's impossible, you
weren't even two years old.
378
00:16:32,550 --> 00:16:34,349
Three tablespoons of dried mustard,
379
00:16:34,351 --> 00:16:35,915
one cup of Lone Star beer...
380
00:16:35,918 --> 00:16:38,308
Okay.
381
00:16:38,311 --> 00:16:40,044
Okay.
382
00:16:40,047 --> 00:16:41,747
Go ahead.
383
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,959
Give it to your father.
384
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,961
I can write it down for you.
385
00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:49,231
That's okay, I don't want it.
386
00:16:49,233 --> 00:16:51,423
[QUIETLY]: You have
got to be kidding me.
387
00:16:51,426 --> 00:16:52,934
Connie, you've had every opportunity
388
00:16:52,937 --> 00:16:54,436
to give me that recipe
and you never did,
389
00:16:54,438 --> 00:16:56,271
because you've always
treated me like an outsider.
390
00:16:56,273 --> 00:16:57,239
No, she has not.
391
00:16:57,241 --> 00:16:58,540
Oh, of course I have.
392
00:16:58,542 --> 00:16:59,841
See? She admits it.
393
00:16:59,843 --> 00:17:01,877
- [SIGHS]
- Damn right, I do.
394
00:17:01,879 --> 00:17:05,380
Never thought you were
good enough for my daughter.
395
00:17:05,382 --> 00:17:07,849
There you were, riding around
on that dumb motorcycle,
396
00:17:07,851 --> 00:17:08,917
knocking her up.
397
00:17:08,919 --> 00:17:10,415
Why don't you kids go in the kitchen
398
00:17:10,418 --> 00:17:12,040
and fix yourselves some ice cream?
399
00:17:12,043 --> 00:17:13,843
I'm not going anywhere.
400
00:17:15,704 --> 00:17:18,251
Hey. I get it.
401
00:17:19,096 --> 00:17:20,462
I have a daughter.
402
00:17:20,464 --> 00:17:24,254
I wouldn't want her bringing
home someone like that.
403
00:17:24,257 --> 00:17:26,724
But I've come a hell of
a long way since then.
404
00:17:30,681 --> 00:17:32,841
Okay, you're right.
405
00:17:36,781 --> 00:17:38,414
George.
406
00:17:40,217 --> 00:17:41,751
I'm sorry.
407
00:17:44,388 --> 00:17:47,196
That means more to me than any recipe.
408
00:17:49,093 --> 00:17:51,059
Come here.
409
00:17:51,061 --> 00:17:53,428
[MEEMAW CHUCKLES]
410
00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:59,314
ADULT SHELDON: Don't let the hug fool you.
411
00:17:59,317 --> 00:18:02,439
The minute she went home, he
made me give him the recipe.
412
00:18:04,857 --> 00:18:08,052
Here we go, maiden voyage.
413
00:18:10,212 --> 00:18:12,379
Mmm, mmm.
414
00:18:12,381 --> 00:18:13,771
Hot damn.
415
00:18:14,456 --> 00:18:16,278
GEORGE SR.: Hot damn.
416
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,086
[GEORGE SR. MOANING]
417
00:18:20,088 --> 00:18:21,922
Hot damn!
418
00:18:21,924 --> 00:18:24,291
MARY [LAUGHS]: George! Language.
419
00:18:24,293 --> 00:18:25,625
Sheldon.
420
00:18:25,627 --> 00:18:27,359
Want some?
421
00:18:27,362 --> 00:18:29,560
Uh, no, thank you. I'm not hungry.
422
00:18:29,591 --> 00:18:33,403
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