1 00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:21,452 - I'm so sorry. - Thank you so much for coming. 2 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:24,922 - It's so good to see you. - Thank you so much. 3 00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:26,550 Thank you. 4 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,151 Oh, gosh, thank you. 5 00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:36,634 - I'm so sorry about your aunt. - It was Cheryl's aunt. 6 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,094 But thank you. 7 00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:41,072 Did you fly in from Florida? 8 00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:44,440 No, her sister and her sister's boyfriend and her parents flew in. 9 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:47,480 - I live here. - I see. Condolences. 10 00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:57,118 - Nice service. - Yeah. 11 00:00:58,358 --> 00:01:01,054 Thanks for the hotel room. I appreciate that. 12 00:01:01,127 --> 00:01:02,890 Please, my pleasure. 13 00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:05,726 I was gonna ask you, is that minibar... 14 00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:09,735 Is that included with the whole thing? 15 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,737 - Sure, whatever you want. - Great. 16 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:15,070 Help yourself. Some M&Ms, Toblerone. 17 00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:18,170 - I don't drink. - It's chocolate. 18 00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:23,774 - How's Cheryl holding up? - I think she's okay. 19 00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:28,214 Cut my finger this morning trying to put that... 20 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:32,414 Make a hole in my belt. I must have lost weight or something. 21 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:35,018 It's killing me. 22 00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:41,229 - It's a good family. - Yeah, they're very nice. 23 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:45,670 - Becky's a nice girl, right? - She's a doll, she's really sweet. 24 00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:48,470 How long did you date before... 25 00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,535 you and Cheryl got married? 26 00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:55,938 Not that long. We were friends for a while and then... 27 00:01:58,251 --> 00:02:01,277 after we had intercourse, we got married very quickly. 28 00:02:02,222 --> 00:02:04,656 Becky really wants to get married. 29 00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:09,156 And I'm not into it. 30 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:14,556 And the day that we got the call, I was gonna break up... 31 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,660 I was over there to break up with Becky. 32 00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:20,397 Holy cow, so you flew out here... 33 00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:23,441 and you wanted to already be free. 34 00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,139 I missed it... 35 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:28,107 by five minutes. 36 00:02:28,548 --> 00:02:32,382 My gosh. And then you couldn't do it after she killed herself. 37 00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:35,747 What do think would be the appropriate time... 38 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,256 for somebody to wait till they... 39 00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:41,151 Till I tell her? 40 00:02:42,562 --> 00:02:46,054 If it was her mother, I'd ask you to go back on the plane and wait... 41 00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:48,692 maybe six days, a week. 42 00:02:50,069 --> 00:02:54,028 For an aunt? For an aunt who doesn't even live where you live... 43 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:56,438 who you don't see that often... 44 00:02:57,143 --> 00:02:59,839 I think you could do it when you get home... 45 00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:02,108 when you get back to Florida. 46 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:03,873 What should I say? 47 00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:08,384 Just tell her you're not happy. That's very good, that works. 48 00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:11,252 I've never actually used it myself, but I think it works. 49 00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:13,485 - Okay. - I've got a breath problem? What... 50 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,358 No, I thought I saw a bug, that's creepy. 51 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,965 We never had this conversation, by the way. 52 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,364 - No. - Okay? 53 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,999 I won't say anything. 54 00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:28,406 Thanks for your advice. 55 00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:32,367 I think I got the heat... 56 00:03:33,479 --> 00:03:35,140 turned down a bit. 57 00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:38,350 - What were you and Craig talking about? - Louise. 58 00:03:38,751 --> 00:03:40,582 - Is he okay? - Yeah. 59 00:03:40,653 --> 00:03:43,622 You would be very surprised how broken up he is about this. 60 00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:47,148 - He's been very quiet for several days. - That's so sweet. 61 00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:50,785 - The service was wonderful, wasn't it? - Yeah, it worked out nicely. 62 00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:51,955 Thank you. 63 00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,226 Listen, you guys... 64 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:58,031 I want you to know if you want to stay a couple of extra days in the house... 65 00:03:58,104 --> 00:04:00,129 that's fine, don't worry about it. 66 00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:03,607 You could stay another day in the hotel. 67 00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:07,772 - That's really nice. Stay there a night or two. - Yeah, one night. 68 00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:10,179 That would be nice, because we hate flying. 69 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,310 - Neither of us like to fly. - Yeah, nobody likes to fly. 70 00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:16,753 I don't even like to drive. And I don't like walking. 71 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:21,189 So, occasionally, I don't really know what mode of transportation to... 72 00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:23,593 I'm not sure what we can do about this... 73 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:26,154 but we were a little upset that there was no obituary. 74 00:04:26,232 --> 00:04:30,066 - I didn't even think of that. - Like she didn't have a life out here. 75 00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:33,162 It sort of makes it real. 76 00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:36,402 My friend, my manager actually knows somebody at the paper. 77 00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:39,741 - I could get something in there for you. - That would be so good. 78 00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:43,407 - That'd be really sweet. - I'll write it myself. 79 00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:46,418 I'll take care of the whole thing. No problem. 80 00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:49,352 There's anything you want to add, tell me, I'll get it in. 81 00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:51,117 It's not gonna be funny, is it? 82 00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:53,852 - Mom, please. - That's what he does. 83 00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:57,225 It's not gonna be funny. It'll be very tasteful and appropriate. 84 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,697 - It'll be fine. - He's a writer, he can do anything. 85 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:03,293 - Thank you so much. - We love you, Larry. 86 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,829 I love you, too. 87 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:16,807 - Sorry I'm late. - It's understandable. 88 00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,750 It's very hard to extricate myself from mourners. 89 00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:23,019 - Why are you still wearing the tie? - I don't know. 90 00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,521 If I didn't have to, I wouldn't. 91 00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:29,994 Once you've got the outfit on, you might as well wear it to its completion. 92 00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:33,058 - Maintain the outfit. - "To its completion." 93 00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:37,494 So you think you can take care of this, this obituary thing? 94 00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:38,832 - Done deal. - Really? 95 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:40,429 4:00 is the deadline. 96 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,707 You get it to me by 4:00 and I'll fax it over to him. 97 00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:45,403 - Thanks so much. - No problem. 98 00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:47,810 - Very nice of you. - It's my pleasure. 99 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,172 That'll score some big points with the family. 100 00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:52,479 - How did she die? - Killed herself. 101 00:05:52,652 --> 00:05:55,246 - No, she didn't. - Killed herself... 102 00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:58,313 - Why? - Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. 103 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:00,858 - That is so rude, isn't that? - That's really rude. 104 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:04,090 If you leave your house for 10 minutes to get a container of milk... 105 00:06:04,163 --> 00:06:05,960 you tell somebody where you went. 106 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:07,932 I let my wife know before I go anywhere. 107 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,468 Would it have killed her to leave a note? 108 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:14,598 - I don't know. - My mom's in town with my dad. 109 00:06:14,774 --> 00:06:16,207 It's her birthday. 110 00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:19,369 It'd be great, considering what's happened between you and them... 111 00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:22,107 if, for my mom's birthday, you got her a little gift. 112 00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:25,150 Doesn't matter what it is, it's a nice gesture. 113 00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,013 It really is. 114 00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:28,585 Any ideas? 115 00:06:31,023 --> 00:06:32,047 No. 116 00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:35,083 - Okay. - Good. 117 00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:39,026 Let's do this obituary thing, okay? You have a pad? 118 00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:41,066 - Yeah, I got a pad. - Okay. 119 00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:45,502 "Louise Hoenin, H-O-E-N-l-N... 120 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:48,767 "devoted sister... 121 00:06:49,675 --> 00:06:50,937 "beloved aunt... 122 00:06:51,811 --> 00:06:54,609 "died of undisclosed causes..." 123 00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:02,143 It only took us about 20 minutes, door to door. 124 00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:04,655 - Did very well. - Yeah, that's unusual. 125 00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:08,687 I wasn't worried because I have unlimited mileage on my rental car. 126 00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:11,523 - I wouldn't care how long it was. - That's good. 127 00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:14,725 We were surprised the freeway was virtually empty. 128 00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:18,430 - You can really get stuck in traffic for hours. - Yeah. 129 00:07:18,838 --> 00:07:21,671 Sometimes it gets so bad you can hardly breathe. 130 00:07:22,742 --> 00:07:23,970 That's for sure. 131 00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:25,806 I'm glad I don't live here. 132 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:29,248 - Do you think Becky's coming down soon? - I think so. 133 00:07:29,315 --> 00:07:33,547 She's been on the phone all morning with her boyfriend... 134 00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:35,382 now her ex-boyfriend. 135 00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:39,252 He broke up with her last night and... 136 00:07:40,059 --> 00:07:41,924 Isn't that awful, Larry? 137 00:07:43,095 --> 00:07:46,656 - What kind of timing... It's unbelievable. - Lousy. 138 00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,460 Anyway, I have the unlimited mileage. 139 00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,731 So I think I'm gonna go out for a while. 140 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:55,069 - Is that okay? - Where are you going? 141 00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,507 I was thinking about playing some golf. 142 00:07:58,644 --> 00:07:59,702 Are you joking? 143 00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,872 I'm not contributing anything. I'm detracting. 144 00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:04,917 - You are. - I'm a minus here, I'm not a plus. 145 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:08,681 If your aunt died, I would be right by your side to support you. 146 00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:11,985 If my aunt killed herself, I'd encourage you to leave the house. 147 00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:15,323 I'd say, "Go, have some fun. You don't have to stay here and mourn." 148 00:08:15,394 --> 00:08:19,125 - I would keep you around to mourn? - You're not going golfing. 149 00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:23,565 I know we're all going to miss Louise. 150 00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:26,065 - Yeah. - Very much so. 151 00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:29,035 But we have to continue. 152 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,910 - We must go on. - We must go on. 153 00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:34,641 Can't go on. 154 00:08:36,382 --> 00:08:37,747 Must go on. 155 00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:46,123 Laughter is a great healer and you've gotta have a smile. 156 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,658 You get over a lot of things that way. 157 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:54,160 I once performed for Norman Cousins in his hospital room... 158 00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:57,794 when he was on his deathbed. He requested me to do five minutes. 159 00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:02,200 And I bombed, actually, and he got much worse... 160 00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:07,312 and he had to watch some Marx Brothers movies to actually resuscitate him, but... 161 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:11,481 You know who's funny? That Carrot Top. Have you seen that guy? 162 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,277 He comes on The Tonight Show once in a while. 163 00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:17,480 - Big mop of red hair. - My gosh! 164 00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:22,794 - The obituary! Do we have the paper? - Yeah, we want to look at that. 165 00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:25,353 Okay. I'll go get the paper. 166 00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:29,834 - No, don't you bother, I've got the car. - You don't even know where it is. 167 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:32,370 I have unlimited mileage, I can drive anywhere. 168 00:09:32,438 --> 00:09:33,905 He knows what he's doing. 169 00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:37,500 - It's right around the corner, he'll find it. - I'm sure he will. 170 00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:40,704 Gives him pleasure to use the rental car anyway. 171 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,943 You could move over a little bit now because he's not sitting there anymore. 172 00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:47,508 - Get a little more room here. - That's okay. 173 00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:54,990 - These are pretty good. - Yeah. 174 00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:57,928 - How many can I get in my mouth at a time? - Six. 175 00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,963 - You say six? - Five. 176 00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:02,091 Three, four. 177 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:11,066 "Look what they did to my Santino. 178 00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:15,108 "Gladys, George, look what they did." 179 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,810 - Sugar. - No, Becky. 180 00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:21,319 - No. - Oh, my gosh. 181 00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:24,913 What did he say? What happened? 182 00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:28,188 He just kept repeating something about not being happy. 183 00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:29,887 We could've worked through that. 184 00:10:29,962 --> 00:10:32,021 - The nerve of this guy! - Jerk. 185 00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:35,590 - What kind of timing is this? - I just buried my aunt! 186 00:10:35,668 --> 00:10:38,193 - I know. - And he breaks up with me? 187 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:41,136 - You don't do that to somebody. - No. 188 00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:43,764 That's so awful. 189 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:48,604 - I mean, he really loved me. - Yeah. 190 00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:50,916 Did he say anything to you? 191 00:10:51,017 --> 00:10:53,679 I know how much he likes you, I just thought maybe... 192 00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:56,415 No, we just, you know... 193 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,652 he talked about Aunt Louise and the minibar. 194 00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:01,950 The minibar? 195 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,062 Oh, gosh. 196 00:11:06,265 --> 00:11:08,790 - This is ridiculous. - Where are you going? 197 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,200 I've got to get a birthday present for Jeff's mother. 198 00:11:12,271 --> 00:11:16,230 I'm sorry, I forgot, today's her birthday. I'll be right back, I'm sorry. 199 00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:19,539 Oh, God, all right, I'm gonna be back in 20 minutes. 200 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:22,080 Everybody stay here, okay? 201 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:26,713 Gladys, you're here, okay, Barbara? George, right here. 202 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:30,483 Gladys, I'll be right back. I'm just gonna get a birthday present. 203 00:11:30,556 --> 00:11:34,583 - I'm timing you. - Half an hour at... 40 minutes at the most. 204 00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:36,056 45 minutes. 205 00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,929 I'd like to buy a pair of sunglasses. It's a birthday present. 206 00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,906 - Okay. - For my friend's mother. 207 00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:51,272 - This one I like a lot. - These are great. 208 00:11:51,343 --> 00:11:53,971 Elizabeth Taylor wears the exact same glasses. 209 00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:56,105 Elizabeth Taylor? You're kidding! 210 00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:58,446 - Can I see that mirror? - They're very in vogue now. 211 00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:00,508 - They are? - Yeah, absolutely. 212 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,345 - You see why? - Yeah. I like that. 213 00:12:03,422 --> 00:12:06,357 - I think they're perfect. - Beautiful. All right. 214 00:12:06,492 --> 00:12:07,982 - Really? - Sure, come on. 215 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,290 - Let me get you a case. - I don't fool around. 216 00:12:10,362 --> 00:12:12,728 Give you a case, I'll throw in some lens cleaner. 217 00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:15,198 - How would you like to pay? - Credit card. 218 00:12:16,268 --> 00:12:19,499 - Can you gift-wrap these? - No, I'm sorry, we don't wrap. 219 00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:24,576 How would one go about getting this gift-wrapped? 220 00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:29,170 - Get some wrapping paper and wrap it. - Okay, where would I get the paper? 221 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:33,074 You know, there's a card store upstairs. You could maybe go there. 222 00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:37,282 - You need a scissor, too, right? - A scissor. 223 00:12:37,356 --> 00:12:41,087 - You need a scissor to cut the paper, right? - To cut the paper, yeah. 224 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,253 - And scotch tape, too, right? - Right. 225 00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:47,493 - Do they sell all that in the same store? - No, I don't believe they do. 226 00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,066 You could check. 227 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:54,365 If you're gonna go get that stuff, you might wanna get a bow. 228 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,532 And a card. 229 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,141 A bow and a card? 230 00:12:58,577 --> 00:13:01,205 Yeah, so she knows who the gift is from. 231 00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,975 I'm gonna be handing her the gift. Isn't it obvious? 232 00:13:04,049 --> 00:13:06,108 You don't have to have a card, I'm just saying. 233 00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:08,847 What a process this is, a bow and a card... 234 00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:10,950 Where do you get them? 235 00:13:11,023 --> 00:13:14,390 Is that in the same store as the scissor and the scotch tape? 236 00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:17,686 - No, the card... - How many stores are we talking about? 237 00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:20,423 I really don't know. 238 00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:26,070 Boy, this is very complicated. 239 00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:43,043 What? 240 00:13:47,193 --> 00:13:49,627 What? We got a paper, that's what. 241 00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:53,694 "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"? 242 00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:59,004 - That's what you put in the paper? - This is a typo. 243 00:13:59,071 --> 00:14:02,837 - It should be "aunt"! - Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in? 244 00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,466 They have proofreaders at papers! 245 00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:08,536 The woman leads a decent life and this is how she ends up? "Beloved cunt"? 246 00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:10,206 My wife is upset. 247 00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:13,080 I'm just glad you weren't in charge of the headstone! 248 00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:16,485 I meant "beloved aunt," not "beloved cunt"! 249 00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,956 - Don't keep saying it! - Please. 250 00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,682 I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. 251 00:14:23,395 --> 00:14:27,525 It's a typo. Don't you see? It's a typo! 252 00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,968 It's a typo, it's "aunt"! 253 00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:37,969 Excuse me for a second. 254 00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:42,646 I just got off the phone with Craig, and I wanted see if this rings any bells. 255 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,081 "It wasn't her mother who died, it was just her aunt. 256 00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,811 "You should break up with her today. 257 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,411 "You don't look happy, you should break up!" 258 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,050 - What? - That's what he said. 259 00:14:52,124 --> 00:14:54,922 Did you tell Craig to break up with Becky? 260 00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:58,623 He talked to me, but I told him to wait till he got back to Tallahassee! 261 00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:01,928 - I didn't say to do it last night at the wake. - Never mind! 262 00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:06,503 - What is the matter with you? - He's a bad guy, I was doing you a favor! 263 00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:08,998 I think you should just leave! 264 00:15:11,143 --> 00:15:12,701 You mean for tonight? 265 00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:15,239 At least, please. 266 00:15:17,283 --> 00:15:18,682 I am sorry. 267 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:23,180 You know how I can get this gift-wrapped? 268 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,176 Let me ask you something. 269 00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:53,513 How would one go about getting this gift-wrapped? 270 00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:59,957 - Do you have the paper? - No, I don't have anything. 271 00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:02,820 You could probably go to a stationery store. 272 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:05,125 Stationery store for the scissor and tape... 273 00:16:05,197 --> 00:16:07,324 but you gotta go someplace else for the paper. 274 00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:10,926 - Depending on what kind of paper you want. - I don't give a shit. 275 00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:14,164 Then you should probably go to a party store... 276 00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:16,230 where you can get gift-wrapping paper. 277 00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,538 But they don't have the tape and scissor. 278 00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:22,842 I don't know, they might, I wouldn't bet on it, I would bring my own. 279 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,143 Let me ask you a question. 280 00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:28,949 If I brought the scissor and the tape to this party store you're talking about... 281 00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:31,319 - They have the paper. ...would they wrap it for me? 282 00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:35,190 They might, honestly, I don't know, because my wife wraps everything. 283 00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:38,229 But if you bring it with you, if you have it there... 284 00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:42,493 if you just tip them or something. 285 00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:46,795 How would you go about getting something like this gift-wrapped? 286 00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:49,869 - Just go to a Hallmark or something. - A stationery store. 287 00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:53,241 That's for the paper. They don't have the scissors and the tape. 288 00:16:53,312 --> 00:16:55,678 - They will. - They got scissors and tape? 289 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,576 - Really? - Ribbon and bows and cards. 290 00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:01,813 - They have everything there. - Hallmark has that whole thing there? 291 00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:03,411 Where's the Hallmark? 292 00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:05,823 I don't know. 293 00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:09,352 - You gotta fix this pump over here. - Okay. 294 00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:12,056 All right, forget it, I'm all done here. 295 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,296 You don't know where the Hallmark is. 296 00:17:20,139 --> 00:17:24,200 I thought maybe tomorrow, if you're up to it, we'd go to the outlet center. 297 00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:27,673 - All right. - Hi! Look who's here. 298 00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:29,839 - Hello. - Hi. 299 00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:31,610 - Hi. - Be nice. 300 00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:32,741 - Hi. - Hi. 301 00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:35,249 Happy birthday. 302 00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:37,747 That was sweet of you. 303 00:17:39,691 --> 00:17:42,421 What kind of present is that? Not wrapped nicely. 304 00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:44,894 Yeah, I'm sorry about that. 305 00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:47,523 I looked in stores, I couldn't find any wrapping store. 306 00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:50,193 There's no wrapping stores anywhere? 307 00:17:50,269 --> 00:17:52,601 Oh, my gosh! 308 00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:56,139 - Sunglasses! - Look at those. 309 00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:58,199 My gosh, look at this! 310 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:04,272 Elizabeth Taylor wears glasses. She has the exact same glasses! 311 00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:06,681 - You hear that? - I can't use 'em. 312 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,778 I have a prescription in my lenses. 313 00:18:10,189 --> 00:18:13,352 - I'm sorry. - All right, no, I'll get... 314 00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:17,589 - I'll take care of it. - I want to do it. I'll get lenses put in. 315 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:21,422 Give me your prescription and we'll make them prescription glasses. 316 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,333 Isn't that nice? How did the obit go? 317 00:18:25,070 --> 00:18:27,868 - You got a paper? - Yeah, it's over there. 318 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,408 Obituaries, it's in the back there. 319 00:18:31,376 --> 00:18:34,368 Here, I'll show you how it went. Here's how it went. 320 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:37,645 "Louise Hoenin, devoted sister, beloved cunt"? 321 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:41,281 What? It says that in the paper? Let me see this. 322 00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:43,253 - That's unbelievable! - I know! 323 00:18:44,356 --> 00:18:48,019 You said "aunt," I wrote down "aunt"! That's bullshit! 324 00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:50,891 - Don't they proofread these things? - I am so sorry. 325 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,430 Oh, God, Larry. 326 00:18:52,498 --> 00:18:55,865 - I need a letter of apology from your friend... - Retraction. 327 00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:57,265 What are they gonna say? 328 00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,861 "We're sorry we called her a cunt, we meant 'aunt"'? 329 00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:02,964 Point well taken, I'll have them write a letter of apology. 330 00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:05,407 - And you, too. - I'll write one, too, I promise. 331 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:08,446 Still, to print this... Cheryl must be so upset. 332 00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:10,209 She kicked me out of the house. 333 00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:11,579 She kicked you out? 334 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:15,211 Her relatives, her parents, friends, they came after me like a pack of... 335 00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:17,949 - I thought they were gonna kill me. - You'll stay here. 336 00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:21,686 - I can't, I have nothing to wear. - I've got lots of stuff for you to wear! 337 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,991 You'll stay here. Mom and Dad are here anyway. 338 00:19:25,063 --> 00:19:28,499 - It's no big deal, I'm making a great dinner. - I'm so sorry. 339 00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:32,162 - You should call Cheryl and apologize. - I will. 340 00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:35,934 Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, okay? 341 00:19:36,575 --> 00:19:40,238 - How much longer till dinner? - 25 minutes, 30, tops. 342 00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:43,008 - Dad, let's go finish the movie, come on. - What movie? 343 00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:46,141 Larry, let me see those glasses again. 344 00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:49,153 - Those sunglasses. - Okay, sure. 345 00:19:49,221 --> 00:19:51,917 I can't see through them, but I can get an idea. 346 00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:54,652 They're beauties. Elizabeth Taylor. It's no joke. 347 00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:58,321 Wait a minute. I think I can see my reflection in here. 348 00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:02,128 - Wait, hold it, I'll help you out here. - Good. 349 00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:22,948 So I'll get the prescription for this thing. We'll get that taken care of. 350 00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:26,513 It shouldn't take too long, you know? They look good, though. 351 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,518 See, Mom, I told you, he's got a very, very sweet side. 352 00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,622 Very. 353 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,405 Yeah? 354 00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:55,218 - You gotta go. - What? 355 00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:57,255 - You gotta go. - What are you talking about? 356 00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:59,813 You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go. 357 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:02,993 I copped a feel off your mom? What are you saying to me? 358 00:21:03,061 --> 00:21:05,791 She was moping around. I'm saying, "What's the matter?" 359 00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:08,924 She said, "Larry touched my bosom for several seconds." 360 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:11,060 Schmuck! Listen to me for a second! 361 00:21:11,136 --> 00:21:12,330 What? 362 00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:17,365 We're in the kitchen. She wanted to try on the sunglasses again. 363 00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:21,276 She was looking in the toaster and I was holding the toaster... 364 00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:24,110 she wanted to get a better look at her face in it... 365 00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:26,548 and she leaned against the back of my hand... 366 00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:29,746 and so, I didn't want to just turn... 367 00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:32,813 I didn't want to hurt her feelings by taking it away fast. 368 00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:33,983 I'm sorry. 369 00:21:34,559 --> 00:21:36,151 She's all freaked out. 370 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:37,890 You gotta go. 371 00:21:38,597 --> 00:21:40,428 Are you kicking me out? 372 00:21:40,499 --> 00:21:44,993 All right, look, set the alarm. Do you know how to set the alarm? 373 00:21:45,771 --> 00:21:46,795 7:00 a.m. 374 00:21:46,872 --> 00:21:49,170 She rubbed up against the back of my hand! 375 00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:52,733 - I believe you, it's not about that! - You think I feel up old ladies? 376 00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:55,905 I apologized, it's not about that! It's not about that. 377 00:21:56,682 --> 00:21:59,344 You gotta get out of here at 7:00 in the morning. 378 00:21:59,418 --> 00:22:01,409 I'll be out of here early in the morning. 379 00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:03,647 Grab a bagel from the kitchen and get out. 380 00:22:03,722 --> 00:22:05,553 I won't grab anything, I'll just walk out. 381 00:22:05,624 --> 00:22:08,855 Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick. 382 00:22:08,927 --> 00:22:12,294 It's what she thinks, what can I say? Sweet dreams. 383 00:22:13,932 --> 00:22:14,956 "Sweet dreams." 384 00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:18,468 I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams." 385 00:22:40,392 --> 00:22:42,053 - You! - Quiet. 386 00:22:42,127 --> 00:22:44,254 - How dare you. - I didn't do anything. 387 00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:47,730 - Let me explain what happened. - Do you think I enjoy that kind of thing? 388 00:22:47,799 --> 00:22:51,428 - Don't be ridiculous, I didn't do anything. - This has gotta stop. 389 00:22:51,503 --> 00:22:55,769 - Please tell her I didn't do anything. - Ma, he didn't do anything. 390 00:22:56,575 --> 00:23:00,306 It was the toaster and the hand. You rubbed against me. 391 00:23:00,846 --> 00:23:02,973 You're gonna wake up Sammy. 392 00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:07,485 - Did you see what he did? - I explained to her, it was an accident. 393 00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:09,850 - It was an accident. - How convenient. 394 00:23:10,122 --> 00:23:13,250 It was an accident, you rubbed up against me. 395 00:23:13,825 --> 00:23:16,988 What kind of human being are you? 396 00:23:18,630 --> 00:23:22,259 Yes, you pushed up against my hand! I didn't do anything! 397 00:23:23,635 --> 00:23:25,967 - It was an accident. - You have to go. 398 00:23:26,037 --> 00:23:28,904 I think it's better. Okay, Ma? He's gonna leave. 399 00:23:28,974 --> 00:23:31,408 - Go back to sleep. - Sick person. 400 00:23:31,476 --> 00:23:34,377 Enough with the "sick person," he's not a sick person. 401 00:23:45,490 --> 00:23:47,185 I'm really sorry. 402 00:23:48,193 --> 00:23:51,128 This is horrible, I'm so sorry. Please accept my apology. 403 00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:54,529 - It's not you. - I'll straighten it out tomorrow. 404 00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:57,233 They get a little crazy, my parents. 405 00:23:57,302 --> 00:23:59,862 I'm sorry. It's an awful thing. 406 00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:03,203 Even when I was dating, I would wait four months... 407 00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:06,267 before I would try and make a breast move, you know? 408 00:24:06,578 --> 00:24:07,670 I understand. 409 00:24:07,746 --> 00:24:11,147 Not in their kitchen, in front of their daughter-in-law and son... 410 00:24:11,216 --> 00:24:14,982 I know, it's horrible. I'll smooth it all over tomorrow. 411 00:24:15,353 --> 00:24:18,584 Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses. 412 00:24:18,657 --> 00:24:21,751 - The sunglasses? - Give them to me, let me take care of them. 413 00:24:21,827 --> 00:24:24,694 - You want me to give her a gift now? - You gave it to her. 414 00:24:24,763 --> 00:24:27,231 - After this entertaining evening? - You gave it to her. 415 00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:30,791 - I don't think so. No. - That's called "Indian giving." 416 00:24:30,869 --> 00:24:32,962 I know what it's called. 417 00:24:33,038 --> 00:24:35,506 It's a very racist term, but I'm okay with that. 418 00:24:35,574 --> 00:24:38,236 What could you possibly do with them? 419 00:24:38,543 --> 00:24:41,239 I'll give them to somebody who likes me. 420 00:24:42,047 --> 00:24:43,708 Where are you going now? 421 00:24:43,782 --> 00:24:45,716 I don't know, I can't go home. 422 00:24:46,384 --> 00:24:48,079 Guess I'll go to a hotel. 423 00:24:56,394 --> 00:24:58,862 Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, how can I help you? 424 00:24:58,930 --> 00:25:01,160 I'll see you this evening, thank you. 425 00:25:02,067 --> 00:25:05,036 - Welcome, how can I help you? - I'd like a room, please. 426 00:25:05,103 --> 00:25:08,664 I'm very sorry, we're completely filled to capacity this evening. 427 00:25:09,207 --> 00:25:10,299 Okay. 428 00:25:12,444 --> 00:25:15,504 There's a guy in this hotel, his name's Craig Butler. 429 00:25:16,448 --> 00:25:18,882 I'm paying for his room. I don't want to anymore. 430 00:25:18,950 --> 00:25:21,418 Wake him up, get him out, that's my room. 431 00:25:25,457 --> 00:25:29,325 The room's paid for through tomorrow. The cards have been run for this evening. 432 00:25:29,394 --> 00:25:32,659 He's authorized to be there till 11:00 a.m. Tomorrow, check-out time. 433 00:25:32,731 --> 00:25:36,690 Our manager will work out the bill with you, if you come back tomorrow at 10:00. 434 00:25:36,768 --> 00:25:39,862 You don't have a room for me in this hotel tonight? Not one room? 435 00:25:39,938 --> 00:25:42,031 Don't you always keep extra rooms for people? 436 00:25:42,107 --> 00:25:44,541 Not one. You're not the first person we've turned away. 437 00:25:44,609 --> 00:25:47,476 I'm Frank Sinatra, Jr., you're turning me away tonight? 438 00:25:47,546 --> 00:25:50,913 - Jr. Walks in and you turn him away? - Yes, sir, unfortunately. 439 00:25:50,982 --> 00:25:53,280 The Pope is being shooed out into the street. 440 00:25:53,351 --> 00:25:56,411 - Are you going to shoo The Pope out? - Yes, sir. 441 00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:58,546 We are filled to capacity, sir. 442 00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:04,218 - A pair of sunglasses? - Excuse me? 443 00:26:04,296 --> 00:26:06,389 I have a pair of sunglasses here. 444 00:26:06,898 --> 00:26:08,832 - You want to give... - Yeah. 445 00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:11,198 - Elizabeth Taylor sunglasses. - They're very nice... 446 00:26:11,269 --> 00:26:13,669 Elizabeth Taylor wears these sunglasses. 447 00:26:15,173 --> 00:26:18,472 Thank you, sir, I wear prescription. Thank you very much. 448 00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:21,370 - You ever watch the Seinfeld show? - Yes, sir. 449 00:26:25,317 --> 00:26:26,807 Just curious. 450 00:26:30,855 --> 00:26:33,085 - Hey, Larry! - Larry, hi! 451 00:26:33,158 --> 00:26:35,456 - Hi, buddy. - This is Larry? 452 00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:38,858 Thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it. 453 00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:40,022 I did not rat you out. 454 00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:44,159 You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything. 455 00:26:44,235 --> 00:26:45,725 That's your problem. 456 00:26:46,137 --> 00:26:48,765 - What a jerk. - I'm a jerk? Is that right? 457 00:26:50,141 --> 00:26:51,608 Are you going to beat me up? 458 00:26:51,676 --> 00:26:54,474 - Maybe I will. - Go ahead, take a shot. 459 00:26:54,546 --> 00:26:55,843 You Hollywood people... 460 00:26:55,914 --> 00:26:59,850 Gentlemen, I cannot have the two of you standing in the lobby of the hotel... 461 00:26:59,918 --> 00:27:01,010 yelling at each other. 462 00:27:01,086 --> 00:27:04,613 Excuse me, are you guests at the hotel this evening? 463 00:27:04,689 --> 00:27:07,249 - Yes, I am. - Can I see your room key, please? 464 00:27:07,425 --> 00:27:09,017 - Yes, sure. - I'm paying for that. 465 00:27:09,094 --> 00:27:11,289 Excuse me, one at a time. 466 00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:14,432 It would be best if you go back to your room. 467 00:27:14,499 --> 00:27:16,626 Very good, thank you very much. 468 00:27:16,701 --> 00:27:19,192 He's here because I'm paying for him. 469 00:27:19,270 --> 00:27:22,433 Sir, do you have a room key here at the Roosevelt? 470 00:27:24,209 --> 00:27:26,700 - No. - Then I need to ask you to leave. 471 00:27:38,289 --> 00:27:42,589 - Can I interest you in some sunglasses? - No, just leave, please.